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Relived Love
Methoxetamine, 25I-NBOMe & Cannabis
Citation:   anjovis. "Relived Love: An Experience with Methoxetamine, 25I-NBOMe & Cannabis (exp100255)". Dec 8, 2013.

T+ 0:00
36 mg oral Methoxetamine
  T+ 0:10 127 ug insufflated 25I-NBOMe
  T+ 0:30   smoked Cannabis
T+00min: 36mg of mxe orally
T+10min: 127g of 25i-nbome insufflated
T+30min: small amount of cannabis smoked

Set and setting: in a very quiet, remote place with no people around, no stress whatsoever.

Relevant experience: 10+ years of recreational cannabis user, 10+ years with variety of psychedelics, some experiences on dxm, ketamine and lower doses of mxe.

I had arrived to countryside by train. My mother had gone to north with her friends to enjoy some skiing and social life. My father had died the previous summer so somebody had to help my mother with feeding the cat and watering the plants while she was gone. Although there would have been some helping hands in the village, I provided my assistance to be able to concentrate on work at daytime and enjoy the silence and seclusiveness for some days. So, back to the train. I saw a very old friend while leaving the train, a girl I had known and had had the biggest crush of my teenage years about 20 years back in school. I had hardly heard anything about her since then, we changed a few words and decided to see when I have some tasks to do in town. So I had continued to the countryside by bus and walking, looking forward to hear how the years had served her. This morning I had been to town to take care of some paperwork related to my father's death and we sat for a good hour over lunch and talked about the past 20 years. It was very delightful event and I enjoyed her company very much. The feeling seemed to be mutual as well and we departed with the intention to see once more before I head back south to my family and normal daily routines. This second meeting actually never took place, but nevertheless the meeting was a very good one.

Mxe comes up slowly, but very steadily without any waves like some other psychoactives have. After about 1.5 hours from the mxe ingestion I am quite intoxicated with the effects, walking or any physical activity is rather clumsy, my feet do not quite touch the exact point I want them to, everything feels like in a big, slowly sailing boat. I lay down, music runs around me and I begin to drift deeper and deeper into the realms of music and thoughts. I feel emotionally quite detached, but still the music gives fine imagery. The detachment from the reality can be best described as if being inside a cylinder. The surface of the cylinder divides me from the outside world, I can see the reality, but it is not really touching me like on serotonergic psychoactives it is. I feel slowly getting more and more detached, the radius of the cylinder keeps growing slowly over time and finally I do not care about the real world. I am fully immersed in the internal imagery and thoughts.

There I was, laying on the floor and swimming through musically inspired internal imagery, unaware of much else. Slowly, with the change of music, I began to think about the morning and meeting with this old friend. I realized that I had some rebouncing of my old and long forgotten feelings from the teenage years, I could remember a few things here and there, how it felt when I was a teenager full of hormones going around. I tried hard to remember all occasions I had seen, talked or danced with her back then 20 years ago and with each wave of effort, I could remember more and more details. There seemed to be a kind of threshold after which I began to remember the details of emotions, physical surroundings, sounds and even smells to such extent that I began to relive some short and very intense moments from 20 years ago. The love as a teenager is somehow very all-encompassing, fully immersive feeling. We had dog back then, a labradorian, that I had taken outside sometimes for a run. Together with her (the dog), I had looked at sunset and dreamed of future life together with her (the girl), looking at the bright golden sunset to paint the sky and the perfectly still lake reflecting the sky with bright and vibrant colors. Sitting on a pier with the dog, waving my feet in the water, watching sunset again and talking to the dog as if she was there next to me. Confessing my eternal love and devotion to her. Remembering all this in great detail, as if it had happened just moments ago, was emotionally strong experience but fortunately very pleasant as I was getting also the warm rush of feeling in love. Suddenly I remembered how I had sworn to love her always.

When I was young, the future seemed so distant and I could not quite grasp how the emotions will change over time, I was very much in love for the first time and I thought this would be something that lasts forever. I remember the words that I had spoken to our dog, my dear friend that was always listening and never complained nor revealed my secrets to anyone. So, I had sworn that no matter how many years pass, if I ever see her again I would be ready to sacrifice everything just to spend a day with her. Everything. I have two children that are the most important thing in my life now, I also have a wife that I do love very, very much despite all the problems the marriage and running the routines in family brings with it. I had fallen in love with my wife as deeply or actually even more than with this girl some years after the teenage years and I would not give away these things for anything. This I realized very clearly, despite the fact that I was reliving some of the strongest emotions of my life, love for another girl. The emotions were so strong that my eyes began tearing, not for sadness really, nor really happiness but just for the sheer emotional intensity that I had through reliving those moments and realizing simultaneously the absurdity of my devotion back then. 20 years has passed and we both have changed a lot, this I could not grasp as a teenager. I could imagine me and her getting older, but I always imagined that she would be the only one I could love and even if I had a family I would still deeply love her as soon as I would meet her again, no matter how many years had passed. I had to wipe my cheeks as they were getting wet from the tears. I had danced with this girl a couple of times in a local disco. The habit with slower love songs back then (perhaps still?) was that you would ask somebody to dance and you would just slowly roll around the dancefloor, it could hardly be called dancing. Her fingers had touched my shirt, I could feel every finger through the shirt, how happy I had been at that moment, just to hold her in my arms. That was the moment I had hoped would last a lifetime. More tears.

After the most intense moments had passed, I came to think of writing these feelings down, it seemed a miracle or at least a great gift that I could remember such details from events that had happened 20 years ago. So I took my laptop, which I could just barely operate, and began to write down the details of what I remembered.

Memories started to slowly fade after a while. The comedown from mxe was very steady and slow, much slower than I had anticipated. I happened to open facebook and realized she was online. I did not think much about the possible consequences before I was already writing to her, not about the memories I had had, but just about things in general where we had been left off at daytime. Chatting came easy, felt very meaningful and it seemed to escalate to rather sensitive and private things in very short time. We talked about the relationships we had had over the years, current situation and what the future expectations would be. It felt like having a very therapeutic session of matters over relationships, all in the clumsy but soft afterglow of the mxe experience.

It took me about 9 hours after the ingestion of mxe until I was able to sleep again. This was somewhat longer than what I had thought or planned, I had to work the next day but luckily the work schedule was rather flexible. If this had happened with a pure serotonergic psychedelic like lsd or 2c-e, I would have had much more negative feelings for not considering my work and sleep rhythms enough, but with mxe I did not feel much regret nor other negative feelings despite the fact that the my schedule had not been solid. I can see that this might be actually a very bad thing assuming a more regular habit. I might not care about my real life issues enough to actually take good enough care of them when mxe mind-body state is such a stress-free flow. How could have I known that mxe is such profound experience and with such low amount. Seems like I might be a little sensitive towards mxe as the effects for this amount seems much more than what some friends have had or what I have read from here or other trip forums.

I felt gratitude for having had this experience for days and weeks after. In a way I had been right, due the great detail of reliving some of my love from teenage years, I had a small but definite feeling of love towards her afterwards and enjoyed chatting with her on several evenings afterwards. Leaving family is out of the question, nor cheating my wife with her even if the situation would appear for that. It was an experience I wish other people could also have.

As for the mxe, I might try it out again some other time, with better prepared schedule. This was clearly the most positive dissociative experience I have ever had.

Exp Year: 2013ExpID: 100255
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: 37
Published: Dec 8, 2013Views: 4,515
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Methoxetamine (527), 25I-NBOMe (542), Cannabis (1) : Combinations (3), Glowing Experiences (4), Relationships (44), Alone (16)

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