DOSE:

IV

Heroin

BODY WEIGHT:

180 lb

On one warm summer night I was introduced to a substance which would govern almost every aspect of my life for several years to come. When I was only 11 years old I had a botched surgery done at a teaching hospital and was put on a PCA (Patient Controlled Analgesic) pump of morphine. My estranged family, whom I had little respect for, paid me a visit one day. To my surprise, my usual resentment was 100% gone and I made it a point to hug every one of them. My uncle was the one to finally make the connection: 'he's just being sweet cuz he's all doped up on morphine.' Suddenly it clicked: this wonderful drug fits into my brain like a key - filling every hole of self-doubt while seeming to erase every flawed aspect of my personality. As a kid I was diagnosed with chronic depression which haunted me for years - and just ONE shot completely erased it. Once I was finally released with a perscription of my own, it felt as if my life's calling finally revealed itself.

From morphine I slid back to hydrocodone, then ahead to oxycodone, and eventually discovered the heavenly oxycontin. Paying almost 40$ a pill for a 4-6hour high wore my wallet down pretty quick yet no other drug could compare. Even with an oxycontin habit, I still was able to maintain a job and house of my own. Everything was going great until one night the supply ran dry. Withdrawal had begun to set in and I was desperate for a fix. My friend Davey told me he could get some tar action if that could help.
'You mean Heroin?' I asked
'Yeah, it's a hell of a lot cheaper. Stronger too.'
'I've always been afraid to try that shit. Might like it too much'
'Just don't be stupid with it man and you'll be fine.' he assured me.

Giving him 15$ he left the house returning 15 minutes later. In a small plastic bag he showed me what looked like brown sugar, dotted with black specks and having a talc-like consistency. I opened the bag and sniffed it. To my surprise it had a scent of vinegar mixed with hickory barbecue sauce. Shaking with anticipation, I asked him to demonstrate how to prepare it. Using a spoon, a little heat, and a small cotton ball - he drew up the amber colored fluid before holding it up for me to examine. Like I said, I'm no stranger to hospitals, and being poked and prodded several times by untrained nurses cured me of any aversion to needles I had before.

2:30PM
I held me outstretched arm toward him. With practiced fingers, Davey slid his hand up my arm locating a vein in no time. After a quick stinging sensation, I waited and held my breath.

Nothing.

'I thought this was supposed to be instant?' I said, 'I dont even feeee... Oooooooh wooooow.' A warm curtain was pulled around my entire being shrouding me in a blissful euphoria greater than I'd ever felt. Nothing even came close. My lips had the sensation of being pinched tightly as prickly sensations traveled up and down my body. Imagine being a kid again, having fun playing outside on a snow day. The temperature drops low and it's time to go inside. Your mother hands you a warm blanket, hot cocoa, and a seat by the fire. Now take the blissful relaxation from that and multiply it by 10 and you may just start to understand the feeling of Heroin. It felt like a curtain descended on my being.

Once the initial rush had passed, the high leveled out taking on a strong resemblance to morphine. Compulsively itching my nose, my body slipped into transcendent relaxation, drifting in an out of consciousness. Dreaming vividly while still awake, I sunk into my sofa and eased into the best nod of my lifetime. Finally achieving a high that surpassed a 80mg oxy and cost 1/6th of the price gave me renewed hope while boosting my confidence. Maybe I can keep the drugs I love and still afford a modest lifestyle. It was love at first sight. This was the thing I'd been searching for my entire life. All good stories eventually end though.

At the time of my first Heroin experience: I had my own place, a great job, a beautiful fiance, and we were making payments on a brand new car. Only 6 months after my first shot of Heroin, none of these things remained. I was completely alone sleeping in an alley next to a convenience store. My only possessions were the clothes on my back since anything of value had long since been traded. This was the loneliest period of my life. There was only one thing that kept me going - only one thing I continued to live for. I gave Heroin everything I owned, my family relationships, my stability, my home, my fiance, my friends, and my dignity. For years I lived from fix to fix until finally was able to move far away from Portland. Since moving here I've flirted with Opiates once in a while, but it's glory days are over. Opiates left a hole that I'm not sure will ever be filled.

And it's far from over.

Exp Year: 2003	ExpID: 100444
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 26
Published: Jun 3, 2020	Views: 1,405
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Heroin (27) : Retrospective / Summary (11), Addiction & Habituation (10), Small Group (2-9) (17)