Citation: Korrok. "Joy Dampened by Immaturity: An Experience with MDMA (exp100699)". Erowid.org. Oct 8, 2020. erowid.org/exp/100699
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In terms of experience, I have smoked cannabis on and off for perhaps 8 years or so now, though between the ages of 16 and 19 I didn't do much of anything, even alcohol. I have used MDMA three times now (including this experience) and Speed a couple of times several years ago. I tried pills a couple of times when I was younger; sorry that I can't be more specific, they were pills 'acquired' from a friend when I was at an age where I didn't consider risks and just took them. From my limited experience with MDMA now I'm almost certain they weren't MDMA as the experiences were barely alike.
Onto the actual experience then!
I'd like to point out first that while it may seem that I'm banging on about crap not related to the experience directly, I think it gives a lot of insight to how this night could have severely affected my mood and how in the end it did. Also, while it may sound like we were drinking a lot of water, it had been a very hot day and I'd been getting very sweaty from moving around so much so I didn't want to be dropping whilst already dehydrated.
I had finished my year at university earlier on in June and was due to move in with my best friend H and another close friend, W. H and I had decided to treat ourselves with some MDMA about a week after the move when everything was sorted out and settled. We had been looking forward to this for months now and in that regard our mindset was very positive.
We had been looking forward to this for months now and in that regard our mindset was very positive.
The excitement even blocked out some of the negative crap that happened on the day of the experience, we were just really REALLY looking forward to it.
I had done a little work out earlier in the day as that always boosts my mood and the day itself had been lovely weather wise, nice breeze and warm as hell. While H had been relaxing all day to prepare for the evening I had been moving the rest of my belongings from my old place to the new one which was quite stressful, but I was moving my things with my mum and as I hadn't seen her in months the happiness overtook the stress. When everything was moved I said goodbye to my mum, teared up a little but had really enjoyed my time with her so my mood was still pretty lifted by 17.30. I said hello to my new house mates and went up and had a lovely long soak in the bath, taking my time getting ready. The plan was to wander around a few pubs in the city then go to an alt club night our mutual friend C had gotten us on the guestlist for. With this in mind, and considering we were taking MDMA and the night was due to be very warm, I made sure I wore clothes I felt comfy and happy in.
During the day we had sorted out everything in the house and the living room was nice and cosy and best of all uncluttered. We had invited around C for drinks and come 19:00 there were four of us in our living room; me, H, W and C. H and I weren't drinking as we don't like to mix things, but C and W were as they weren't partaking in the MDMA. W wasn't coming out with us either, so it would just be me, C and H. It might also be worth noting at this point that while C is an absolutely lovely person when sober they have the habit of getting blind drunk and getting very depressed/aggressive. In hindsight our night may have gone somewhat better had it just been myself and H.
After sitting in the living room for a while and chatting we decided to go out, this was around 20:30. The club we were going to didn't open until 23:00 so we were in no rush and ambled into a taxi to take us into the city centre. We went to a nice little pub we frequent and sat enjoying the atmosphere, H and I drinking a half pint of water each. We had eaten lightly earlier on in the afternoon and hadn't eaten 4 hours prior to this in order to reduce the potential nausea. C had smuggled a bottle of vodka into the pub and topped up her soft drink with the equivalent of around 3 shots of the stuff. H and I were still excited, the mood was good and we were having fun.
We decided to leave the pub we were in and go to another close by en route to the club. C decided to buy a bottle of wine on the way and H and I assumed she would drink it in the next pub (we were carrying an MDMA pill each and we REALLY didn't want the police spotting C drinking a massive bottle of wine in the streets and getting involved with all that potentially nasty business). C decided to drink it down a side street, which was the first point of contention in the evening. H and I were wanting to get to the next pub and take our pills as we both didn't relish the idea that we were carrying illegal drugs. Standing here in the streets on a Saturday night with a heavy police presence in town with someone openly drinking was making us edgy. Despite us telling C this she didn't really seem to grasp the importance of what we were telling her, and I could see H was getting frustrated. This in turn began to annoy me as I didn't want anything affecting our mindset prior to dropping. I also desperately needed the toilet and the more I seemed to point this out the slower C seemed to drink, to the point where I was beginning to get genuinely angry. Despite this H and I were constantly internally telling ourselves something along the lines of 'It'll be fine, once we're in the club and up we'll be fine, this is just a snag, we're adults' etc.
Once C had finished around a third of the bottle we found a toilet and finally headed to the other pub. It was at this time that C spotted and ex of hers and immediately went into fucking meltdown mode. This is a very common happening with C and it was beginning to take the piss, to put it bluntly. I immediately read H's face the minute C spotted her ex and we both shared an almost telepathic moment of 'For fuck's sake...NOT AGAIN'. We eventually managed to wrangle her into the pub where she rushed straight to the toilets. I gave H and shrug and pained look and went in after her while he got us a half pint of water to share. When I got into the toilet my mood again took another hit because C was stood in the middle of the toilet openly chugging the bottle of wine. I don't know why she was being so fucking stupid because she didn't seem to understand that if she got kicked out WE got kicked out and I didn't fancy the bouncers searching mine and H's shit because of what we were holding. One pill each or not, it's still illegal and I couldn't seem to get this through to her. I asked her if she wanted to drink in the toilet stall, to which she said no. Usually I can handle this woman's attitude when drinking quite well but H and I had been looking forward to this night for a long time and her childish behaviour tonight was seriously getting under my fucking skin, so I left her in there. I went back in about 10 minutes later to find she'd entered a cubicle finally.
It was at this point I dropped my pill, with it being around 22.30. I washed it down with some water and was pleased to notice the typically acrid taste of MDMA in my mouth and the back of my throat. The pill itself was smaller than my little fingernail but quite thick. It had the Mistubishi logo stamped on it. We had been informed that they contained around 100-110mg of MDMA which was a dose we were happy with. We had deliberately avoided powder as we both lacked the experience and scales with which to take them safely. The pills were obtained from a reputable vendor, otherwise we wouldn't have purchased them.
I passed H his pill and he dropped maybe 5 minutes after me. C had emerged from the toilets by now and was sat at the table with a face like thunder. H and I however, having taken our little stash were on cloud nine just at the prospect of the next few hours and did our best to just ignore her sour mood. We then started walking to the club and it was during this time we realised just how drunk C was. She demanded we wait for her while she sat down (this was 5 minutes after exiting the previous pub). We tried to get her to get a move on as we didn't want to miss the window of free entry to the club. She responded in quite a passive aggressive way which always immediately gets my back up and wouldn't move for about 10 minutes, during which time I could see H getting ready to erupt. I tried lightening the mood by making silly jokes and talking about anything to get Cs mind off her ex and whatever else it was that was bothering her. We finally got C moving again and arrived at the club about 15 minutes later.
The entrance to the club was located in a tunnel under railway lines. It was quite long and lit by dim lights. We had been waiting at the door for around 10 minutes and a queue was slowly forming behind us. We then heard some sirens blaring and watched a first responder vehicle shoot down the tunnel, lights flashing. I felt a bit weird at this point but didn't know if it was just because we were in a dimly lit tunnel. I also know that the past two times I have had MDMA and 'bombed it' (wrapped in a Rizla) it has taken over an hour for me to come up, and thought incredulously 'It's only been half an hour what the hell is happening??' H looked at me and I could suddenly feel the familiar tightness in my jaw.
I could suddenly feel the familiar tightness in my jaw.
A second emergency response vehicle came past in the same fashion as the first and I felt myself come up quite suddenly. I noticed the bricks in the wall at the opposite side of the road were warping slightly and moving and I started chuckling.
C was sat next to me and I asked her if I could stroke her hair, which I did. I still wasn't convinced so I gave H and cuddle and we both confirmed that 'it was happening'. I was aware that I was talking very fast and stroking C's jumper like a fucking madwoman because it felt nice. We finally got moving into the club and I became a little paranoid that the bouncers would notice my gigantic pupils (even despite the lighting) and we'd get into trouble. They just waved us in and the relief was fantastic. Upon walking in I noticed that my body felt incredibly light and I realised I was still coming up, I hadn't peaked yet. I think we'd taken the MDMA around an hour ago at this point and the sensation was a lot less speedy than previous times. Like usual I felt like I'd let out a breath I'd been holding for years and I just felt incredibly content. I was constantly hugging my two friends.
Unlike previous experiences I didn't quite feel the need to speak to everyone I saw. Shortly after coming into the club I noticed that there was a group of three friends next to us and two of them were a couple. The third friend was trying to speak to them and dance with them, having a laugh, and I noticed that they were both taking very little notice of them. This made me feel very sad so I remember walking up to the third friend and telling him he looked 'very dapper' in his suit. His face lit up and he said thank you and I recall feeling immensely happy that I had cheered him up.
H and I had mercifully had the foresight to bring chewing gum on this trip with us and my jaw thanked me for it in the morning. I remembered going to the toilet (I have no trouble peeing on MDMA for some reason) and the coat hook on the back of the door had been ripped off, leaving a darker circle on the wood. I then remember seeing this circle move around the door and it make me laugh my head off. I then gave the door a thumbs up and strode out of the toilet, thinking 'Jesus christ this shit it trippy as hell'. It wasn't until later when I got a text and realised I couldn't read it for shit because my eyes were shaking so much that it most likely wasn't the MDMA making me hallucinate, my eyes were just shaking so damn badly.
As was expected music sounded absolutely phenomenal on this drug and I danced for a while, absolutely no shyness or concern that people might be looking at me funny. I was just enjoying myself and feeling comfortable in my own skin, knowing my best friend was tripping his tits off a few feet away. On MDMA I also enjoy wandering about, mainly because walking (and everything else) feels fantastic on this drug but also because I am nosy as hell. I noticed that the feeling of lightness lasted far longer than the empathogenic effects. I was wearing large New Rock-esque ankle boots and they felt light as a feather the entire night. Walking was just pure joy because I felt so light and bouncy. I also had the shock of my life when I pressed my hands together and for some reason for the first time I can ever recall fully realised just how small my hands are. It's like my spatial and bodily awareness had been turned off prior to that night, it was crazy.
There was also another little tunnel near the smoking area of the club that felt absolutely phenomenal to walk up and down with it's slight slope. The wind in my hair made me feel like some enlightened being and I loved the feel of the breeze on my face what with the hot air. I had also noticed the sweat pouring off me inside, mostly down my back, which is unusual for me especially in an air-conditioned club. I wasn't overly concerned though and just had some sips of water to top me back up.
C had wandered off at this point, still absolutely blitzed (and still drinking despite being told to calm it down). We found her outside, sat on the floor in tears. We tried cheering her up, tried getting her to come inside with us. She was meant to be staying at our house that night so we wanted to make sure she was safe. There was a guy sat next to her trying to cheer her up and H and I ended up talking to this guy for what must have been an hour. Turned out he was also on MDMA and the three of us had a really wonderful, deep conversation and felt a lovely connection. We said goodbye to our new friend and went back inside when we couldn't get C inside for love nor money.
We danced a little more and realised it was approaching 01.30. This shocked me a little as the past two times I had MDMA time seemed to go at a snails pace, but the past few hours had just disappeared. The event with C outside had also put a bit of a downer on my mood too and I just wasn't 'feeling it' anymore. H and I went back outside again and tried finding C, only to bump into her calling a guy to come and pick her up. I knew the guy and wasn't too concerned but I felt snubbed by her going home with some random guy and not her friends and the MDMA seemed to amplify that feeling to the point of it feeling like rejection.
H and I decided to call a taxi and go back to our house. Whilst both of us felt content still and were basking in the lovely afterglow of the peak we just didn't feel happy to be at the club anymore. IT's hard to explain, it almost felt wrong to stay there and that we were out of place. It wasn't necessarily a horrible feeling but it was certainly an odd feeling that we couldn't seem to budge.
We let C know we were going and I sat her near the bouncers so she wouldn't get into any trouble. H and I got into the taxi and the drive felt absolutely phenomenal. I would love to go on a long drive whilst coming up on this stuff, it was divine during the come down so I imagine it would feel lovely at the start. We arrived home and we decided to sit on our front porch, looking at the stars. It was very quiet and we both felt totally at peace. We also felt that our friendship had grown even stronger by experiencing what we did together and seemingly almost totally in sync. Our third housemate W came outside after he heard us talking and I got the urge to give him a hug. We then sat in our living room talking for about an hour.
I then got a text on my phone, it was C. Telling me she was outside. The guy had picked his friends up as well as her and didn't want to go home with her, so she had got him to drop her off at our place. Had I not been basking the in afterglow of this wonderful drug I think I would have drop kicked her off the porch. She came inside covered in grass as she'd been sat in a field at some point. I had cleaned the house the previous day and she didn't even care she was stomping crap into our house. We then gave her an ice cream and she threw the wrapped and stick on the floor. I remember looking at it then back and her then to H, and we both agreed after she had left the next day that had we not been on such a powerful drug things might have gone very differently that night. Whilst MDMA appears to have increased our tolerance for cuntish behaviour we still had the thoughts going through our head that were angry, we just didn't want to act on them. This drug almost forces you to be nice, it makes you want to be nice as possible. I think it's why I tend to overlook behaviour whilst high that I would normally find very whilst sober. I think it's also how you seem to instinctively recognise when someone else is on this drug, you read into some behaviours a lot more than others.
She eventually fell asleep on the sofa and the rest of us retired the bed. From past experience I worried I wouldn't sleep very well. My last experience induced a week of about 6 hours sleep altogether and no appetite whatsoever (though I now believe this may have been a different drug sold to us under the pretence of MDMA), so I worried that the come down would be similar. However, when I got into bed I was absolutely dog tired. It took me a bit longer than usual to fall asleep but I got a full 8 hours and barely any of the night sweats that usually plague me on MDMA. I had to get up a few times to use the toilet but not as much as H said he had to, though I had been able to pee whilst high the entire night which may have explained things.
I felt fine the Sunday morning when I got up and whilst I didn't have an appetite, I was hungry. It was like I knew I wanted to eat something but I couldn't think of anything appetising, if that makes sense. We went to have a burger and while I ate less then I normally do I still enjoyed it. H also managed to eat his meal without issue too. We also managed dinner absolutely fine. That night I ended up going to A&E with C as she thought she had sat in some glass the previous night and that it was still embedded in her leg. At around 23:00 Sunday night I still felt an overwhelming sense of internal peace and calm (and was also incredibly tired). I woke up Monday morning feeling a bit cranky, but I'd had an ice cream before bed and it's usual for me to wake up feeling a bit crappy after having sugar before bed.
It's now Tuesday and I'm feeling absolutely fine. I've been taking Vitamin C and Multivitamin supplements to help my body back to normal since Saturday and I can't really report any bad comedown effects in the three days since I took the MDMA. All I can think of is that the pills we got were very clean, as I've never had such a 'clean' feeling high before. I've also never had a comedown that smooth and, well, nice. It was lovely. I STILL feel lovely.
MDMA is a nice drug when taken in the right manner (much like everything else). I took an average dose because I didn't want to be out of my skull, I was with nice (for the most part) people and I had a pretty good night. However, I rambled on about C so much because I can't stress how important it is to ensure you're in good company. Shitty attitudes and childlike behaviour can really bring you down and had that been my first time using this drug it might have sent me to a bad place. I also would encourage people to use or be around friends when using that you don't have to fucking baby sit. Whilst this drug enables me to talk to everyone around me it also does cause me to look inward quite frequently. I realised just how much I love my partner and how much I miss him and that I'd been repressing this for a while because the physical distance between us was upsetting me. It's a drug that can really help but it must be thoroughly respected and used right. I absolutely love it, but for future reference I definitely won't be using it around C again; despite the experience being absolutely wonderful, her presence and attitude did put a noticeable dampener on the evening that I don't want to experience again.
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