Citation: lost-soul. "Resist Temptation of the Unknown No Exeptions: An Experience with Cocaine & Heroin (exp100918)". Erowid.org. Aug 30, 2019. erowid.org/exp/100918
Now myself and all those who knew or were especially close to me have seen and been shocked and surprised by what I'm about to share with the readers in the hope I may get through the seriousness of drug use whether it a controlled occasional enjoyed pastime many do in their lives or whether they are facing new and sometime more serious occasions that can often present in forms of manageable oneoffs that some do luckily go through without suffering the potentially hrorrific escalated situations so many of us ďusersĒ end up living through and not just personally suffering from but creating a full on pain programme for those around you that luckily we have that love us.
Now I'm a 32 yr old guy who thought he had lived life to the max, finished school and uni and always worked, a number of relationships with nice girls and ran a business for myself and worked abroad on high profile jobs with everything ahead of me and there for the taking if I played my cards right. Now I'm not saying I was squeaky clean as all through my growing up years I experimented and socially used drugs in a way so many do and I would say I donít regret any of that as some of the best experiences and good times were during these times.
There unfortunately has always been an element of danger to my persona and a false sense of confidence and self control I thought I had until I was eventually overtaken by curiosity and took plunges I told myself I never would. After watching a close relative destroy his life with heroin and spending years as a support and shoulder for him to try and help him through the darkness of his addictions, unbeknown to me somewhere along the journey my demons gained the strength to slowly let myself experience firsthand the attraction of these unknown pastures.
First big step was moving up from the once in a blue moon special occasion few lines of cocaine to trying the white with smoked at a weekend with a select few that were in the club of members only that formed at weekends in a place were no non-members would ever be allowed. As a step up from the coke I found it to be very similar to good quality powder but instantaneous and a noticeable kick to the system not felt from anything I'd sniffed before. This point in my mind I was not hooked on it and never sought it out or even thought about it enough to arrange a session.
Months down the line and countless efforts of trying to assist this close relative and knowing when where it was happening and after getting drunk on alcohol and intending to go to lecture my man my subconcious had turned to wanting to know why and what this one was about. I was refused a number of times by him as he didnít want me to go down that path and obviously knew its power but me knowing I could get what I wanted by showing the bread when he was in need he inevitably gave in and let me sample the golden brown that is so famous for its therapeutic effects on a troubled mind.
Even at this point I was in some sort of control and I kept it as a monthly treat to curb the physical hold that develops with continuous use
I kept it as a monthly treat to curb the physical hold that develops with continuous use
but sure enough as the time went on weekly use then daily use eventually crept in and one day I hadnít had anything and sure enough a flu like feeling started to take hold of me, only once I'd spoke to my man and he said you're rattling, have this, did it dawn on me that it had sucked me in and got a grip that was now a ball game of dire rules and regulations that eat into your very soul and change personal traits and self worth beyond your own visibility.
A year or slightly more in when I've lost all dignity and strength, in debt and managing day to day life is out the window, it becomes known to me that coke is supposedly the biggest rush I could ever get from a iv hit. Me being the self destructive junkie fool I'd now become immediately sets out to sample this delicacy. In fact at the time I could only score a freebase rock of high grade shit and was not going to put a powder cocktail of shit on my experimental new experiment. Alone and a virgin to the experience I proceeded to put a 20 rock about.3-4g rock on the spoon and broke it down with citric and without a sensible thought smashed the whole thing into a groin hit not knowing what to expect.
Well let me tell you, it was one of the most instant noticeable feelings of any hit I'd ever done as even before I'd plunged the whole barrel a wave of heat came over me and I was shocked at the force of the feelings pulsing through my body, I managed to get out the pin and sank to the floor with what I can only describe as a kind of paralyzed feelin, couldnít swallow but felt v sick could hear the popular train sound and could not move or spk to shout for a housemate that was downstairs in the same house. My heart felt as if it was going to penetrate through my ribcage and I honestly thought my days were up. Without doubt for a first try of such a heavy hit I'd gone too far and it must of been 10 -15 mins before I started to come out of the comatose state I was in.
And the worst thing is, it didnít deter me from trying again and again with both powder and the rock form and its even been sometimes a way I can only describe as selfharming, knowing that this time could be the last. But nothing else will ever touch that high again and for an addict who is hopelessly at rock bottom with severe self hatred and mental health issues its a oneway ticket to total oblivion. I wish everyday I wouldnít of gone there
I wish everyday I wouldnít of gone there
and am seeking help even residential detox and rehab to get my old or even a glimpse of my old self back before my chances are up.
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