DOSE: T+ 0:00	1 hit	smoked	DMT
T+ 1:10	1 hit	smoked	DMT
T+ 2:05	1 hit	smoked	DMT
T+ 2:50	2 hits	smoked	DMT

BODY WEIGHT:

180 lb

30 March, 2007

I was 50 years old at the time of this experience. I have a significant history of psychedelic drug use; somewhere well north of a couple hundred trips over 30 years, including numerous high dose and a few very-high-dose LSD, mushroom and mescaline trips, as well as a couple go-rounds with peyote itself. I have been “truly humbled” by LSD, including one requisite soul-destroying experience--which I consciously set myself up for--that I felt reverberations from for about ten years.

Of course, most of that was in my early- to mid-twenties, though fairly steady into my thirties. I’d since tapered off to a low- to moderate-dose trip once every year-or-three. I’m significantly more sensitive to and aware of Set and Setting, as well as dosage. (E.g., no more “Fear and Loathing” at work, out on the town, or Las Vegas.) Moreover, though it’s still a bit of a crapshoot--one never has complete control over Set, Setting, or dosage--I still consider the psychedelic experience to be immensely worthwhile. On some level, it is now even more profound--and definitely more meaningful--than during the heavy tripping I did in my twenties. Perspective is everything, and I think there’s something to be said for “maturity” as well.

Although I’d heard about DMT long ago, it wasn’t much talked about in my peer circle, and definitely not readily available. Since other psychedelics were readily available, and because LSD quickly became my psychedelic of choice, DMT was never on my radar “back in the day.” However, over the 10 or so years leading up to this, I’d had an increasing curiosity about DMT, and had read and listened to a lot of information about the experience. (Thanks, Terence, et al.) I decided that if the time was ever right, I would go out of my way to try this elusive and intriguing substance. Well, I finally decided the time was right--one of my “winter projects” of 2007 was an extraction of Mimosa hostilis, which turned out to be a success.

The literature gives fairly detailed information on what the DMT experience entails and “proper” dosage. However, as an experienced acidhead, I’ve learned that it’s generally best to start out on the low side with any new substance. I like to get a feel for the subtler aspects of the experience to begin with, and to gauge any personal reaction that might’ve been missed in “the literature.” Metaphorically, I prefer the initial match I strike to start a nice campfire, or at most, a huge bonfire suitable for a pagan ritual. I’ve found that it’s best to avoid igniting a firestorm that consumes the entire forest, including me. At least not right away...

+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +

30/03/07. Alone; in my bedroom; comfortably warm; soft, indirect lighting; Aeoliah’s “Angel Love” playing as ambient background music, otherwise it’s virtually silent. After several minutes of deep-breath meditation, I settle down from extreme nervousness to slight apprehension, accepting whatever is in store.

10:10 p.m. One hit, moderate, held a long time. Intense Blast!-off; suborbital.

11:20 p.m. One hit, large, held a very long time. Lips, teeth, and gums cold/numb where smoke passed. Room temperature warmer than normally set, yet I feel chilled. More intense Blast!-off; still suborbital.

But that Blast!-off? How to describe? Physical: insectile reptilian electric ZZzzzzztttch! Mental: psycho Peter Max Yellow Submarine Blue Meanie EYOWww! I become The Fractal. From “here, now” to “THERE-WOW!” in 30-60 seconds; perhaps similar to arriving about an hour into a high dose LSD trip in 60 seconds. Yet, not quite. Somehow, more disconcerting. (Though perhaps my saying that is just due to its unfamiliarity. A high dose LSD experience is certainly nothing to dismiss lightly.)

12:15 a.m. One large hit, held a very long time. I intend to take a second hit but am swept away...

... what is real...? what is reality...? what is universe...? what is GOD...? I am nothing, toying with the very fabric of reality, tempting GOD to annihilate all that exists... WHAT HAVE I DONE!?!?!? yet, now what do I do...?

I don’t know if the preceding means anything substantial to the reader. It is what I wrote shortly after returning. The only metaphor is--possibly--“GOD” (which is why I used all caps). There was no memory of a past, no prospect of a future, and no “time” to make “me” “real.” Yet I had sufficient presence of mind to be aware of a “reality” (in this case, the entire physical and spiritual universe, other possible dimensions, etc., i.e., everything that exists) that was threatened. Truly terrifying. (I mean, heck, I was only expecting “elves” or somesuch.) Utterly exhilarating? Yet I’m back, so was it really such a big deal?

...YES...

Will I try it again?. . . . .?. . . . . . . .?. . . . . . . . . .?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Why not . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

1:00 a.m. The two hits I try are harsh, nasty, and I can’t keep them down. Too soon to break through again... and simply, too soon. Think I’ve had enough for tonight.

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I wish I could better articulate the “hallucinations” that accompanied the experience. Physical almost on par with the psychological (though since of course it was all in my head, “physical” seems a bit of a misnomer). Both were intense. “Digital Alien.” A sense of “behind the scenes.” Not the familiar “observation” of the visual, audio, and tactile hallucinations of psychedelics that I’m familiar with, but I think somehow being the colors, sounds, and physical sensations. Uniquely DMT, yet somehow not totally unfamiliar. But truly, truly, bizarre...

And yet, I somehow think that perhaps the “true” DMT experience lies beyond “annihilation of all that exists,” rending the “fabric of reality,” possibly into another “dimension.”

I must contemplate this for a while...
.
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Epilogue, 2013:
I wrote the above shortly afterwards (later edited to make the discussion less time-specific). My first intention was to leave it at that and submit it as such, leaving a bit of “mystery.” But that’s really only half of the story. The rest--the human side to all of this--was the aftermath.

Ever since that first DMT experience, I’d been meaning to try it again, in order to “flesh-out the story.” But it unexpectedly pulled the rug out from under me for quite a while. It’s one thing to be “thrilled and entertained” by going to the cinema and being temporarily swept into the fantasy of watching The Matrix. It’s quite another to go through day after day, for weeks, with the subtle but distinct and unavoidable feeling that I might actually be in a version of The Matrix--that this truly is all an illusion, and the veil is about to slip and I’ll see the man-chine behind the curtain pulling the levers, flipping the switches, and turning the dials. For the first week or so after, I found I had to consciously repress the urge to blurt out this “revelation” to passersby while in public. (Cue Twilight Zone theme...)

Perhaps that would’ve been novel in my twenties (though I have every reason to believe the experience and/or reaction to it would’ve been significantly different at that point in my life); just way too the-other-side-of-sane now. And since I had every intention of substantially increasing the dosage (if possible) to get past the ambiguity of the first experience, I felt quite certain I would’ve been propelled further along that vector. So it wasn’t a headspace I could be cavalier about recreating.

In the intervening time waiting for the Right Time, I’d had a few encounters with Salvia divinorum, another weird, fast-acting reality-warper--though, at least from my experience, not even remotely in the same league as DMT--which was legal and available over-the-counter at head/smoke shops at the time I did it.

To stir the pot further, I also survived an absolutely hellishly devastating experience on psychedelic mushrooms, by inadvertently combining them with hydrogen peroxide(!?) (A whole other story all its own. Needless to say, I don’t recommend the combo. At least it was “food-grade” H2O2...)

Anyway, I reached the point where I had to seriously ask myself what the fuck I’m continuing to do this for.

I then went through my second 10-day Vipassana meditation retreat. During that time I had a few epiphanies. One being: It is time to discontinue my ongoing if sporadic and increasingly weird dance with psychedelics. The underpinnings have simply become too fragile, my current reality a bit too unstable. This “psychonaut” is, at least approaching, perilously close to becoming a psycho-nut.

Although I’ve been through many psychedelic experiences that I’m oh-so-glad I’ll never have to endure again, the vast majority I will always treasure, and I have absolutely no regrets about what I’ve done. I feel privileged to have lived in a time and place where I had the opportunity to explore the limits of my own consciousness way beyond my wildest expectations. My use of psychedelics has had a major influence on my worldview and the trajectory of my life, and though there are definitely less-than-desirable “side effects” to parse out, I believe the vast majority of their influence has been unquestionably positive.

So it’s time to move on--stick to meditation, the increasingly-occasional toke, and good sex. Not a terribly unappealing fallback, if I really stop to think about it. Life is good. I don’t rule out tripping again sometime in the distant future, but I’m no longer seeking it out, and it would have to be a very special occasion.

Exp Year: 2007	ExpID: 100953
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 50
Published: Jan 19, 2018	Views: 6,614
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DMT (18) : Alone (16), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Retrospective / Summary (11), First Times (2)