Citation: Fitzy. "Journey Through My Psyche Alone: An Experience with Mushrooms & 2C-B (exp101100)". Erowid.org. Nov 22, 2016. erowid.org/exp/101100
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At the time of this experience, I had tripped a few times, on either shrooms or 2C-B, and like most, had plenty of experience with weed (though I'm not the type to smoke every day, some weeks I go without even one joint). All of the previous experiences with psychedelics had been with other people however, and I often recalled thinking during the trip how much I wished I didn't have to keep my inhibition up around my friends. I wanted to be able to fully explore the experience without consideration of whether my friends would find my behavior weird, and also so as to not be distracted by them (I have found that when I trip with people, often we spend most of the trip remarking about the visuals, distracting ourselves from the internal processes
when I trip with people, often we spend most of the trip remarking about the visuals, distracting ourselves from the internal processes
Just a bit of background to myself; I'm an 18 year old guy who's extremely introverted, yet also outgoing (I consider myself very self-aware without being a loner). My thought processes revolve around logic, and as such I'm a very grounded person. I analyze my psyche often, seeking the roots of my insecurities and dealing with them as best I can. As such I'm a very independent person emotionally and rarely rely on others to resolve my emotional issues (not that I'm afraid of intimacy however). I think the rigor of which I enforce logic on my thinking helps me avoid bad trips, or making bad decisions while under the influence of psychedelics. This is why I felt able to trip alone outside my house. On to the story.
I had found a good spot in a conservation near where I live; deep in the woods and off the trail there's a clearing. The weather was perfect, a mild summer's day. It's only about a 10 minute walk out from there, but it's out of the way enough that it was unlikely anyone would stumble upon me accidentally, and had wander-room. I brought a ton of things with me, including: a thick towel (as a blanket), Gatorade (better than water in case of dehydration due to balanced electrolytes), light snacks, knick-nacks to play with, bug repellent (a must have in the woods) and a jar of L-Theanine (an amino acid that helps to calm without tranquilizing. It has a fairly mild effect but always find it helps to alleviate edginess), which I took roughly a quarter teaspoon of. I also had my phone loaded with music and a good happy movie (Kiki's Delivery Service). I had taken the 2C-B when I departed for my forest sanctuary about a half hour earlier, so that I would be in a positive, energetic mood when I took the shrooms.
After settling in, I feel a little trepidation, I worry that I might hurt myself in a delirium while alone in the forest. But I relax myself with some good music and finally take the shrooms. I start watching the movie, expecting to take about an hour to come up, but in as little as 20 minutes I find myself experiencing very strong visuals, which I often do not get. The moss is snaking its way around on the ground, but in a gentle pleasant motion. It occurs to me to put my headphones on and listen to music, so I do so and put on the album 'Calling All Dawns' by Christopher Tin. It's an amalgamation of various ethnic inspired classical tracks (French, Sanskrit, Swahili, etc), a lot of tribal music with a modern spin. I start with 'Baba Yetu', which is an extraordinarily powerful and uplifting track sung in Swahili. It reaches the soul.
The moment the first line of the song was uttered I was hit with the beauty of the forest around me. Suddenly, I felt as if my vision perceived more than it ordinarily did, as if I could see almost everything around me. As the song progressed, I saw glimmers of the sun through the leaves and was so touched by the beauty of the world I just stared slackjawed, unable to even cry at how glorious the universe was. The song carried me away from my ego, away from the now seemingly irrelevant concerns of my life (not in a numbing way like say ketamine, but more in that I became aware of something greater than me, the glory of merely being alive overrode my petty wants and desires). The song felt as if it lasted forever, but when it drew to a close, the next one, 'Rassemblons-Nous' (french) started and I was filled with the desire to get up and dance. I wildly undulated and leapt around my small clearing, filled with passion for life. I felt as if my personality was erased and filled with dance, I ceased to exist and became merely a channel for the music. I believe that at this time I experienced ego death of a sort. Perhaps not the kind where you become aware of all your flaws simultaneously, but more death in a literal sense; my personality just ceased to manifest itself, I merely 'did' without thought of 'why'.
As I returned to myself at one point, I became nervous at the intensity of the previous experience, but the track changed yet again to 'Sukla-Krsne', a Sanskrit song sung by three women, I believe one elder and two youths. I felt a profound connection to the song, as if the elder woman singing was guiding me, and that I was accompanied by the two other young women singing. My fear melted away with the realization that I was going down the path that many other humans had tread before; that many tribes around the world had explored their spirituality in the same way I was, and I felt safe knowing I was walking the same, well worn road (Just a note, I felt spiritually safe if that makes sense, tripping alone always has an inherent risk to it, and I think should only be done after experiencing a substance of choice several times, and feeling in a relaxed mindset).
During the trip I often got up and wandered around, though I never strayed far from my 'base camp'. I instinctively kept close to where I had established myself with my blanket, food, and belongings. At some points I was up and dancing around, while at others I sat huddled under my blanket with my eyes closed, simply taking in the music and glorying in what I can only describe as a fierce sort of peace. I felt gloriously at peace, rather than tranquil, I was filled with the excitement of it. In some fevered moments, I developed a close acquaintance with a slender tree stump jutting up in the center of the clearing, having some quite enlightening, though unfortunately one-sided conversations with it.
Finally as I began to come down, I decided to leave, as it was getting very dark (being about 9 PM). I packed up my things, said my goodbyes to the clearing and departed for the trail. I was in good spirits despite the darkness and solitude in the forest, until I got to the open part of the trail, where you are still closed in by tall trees, but there is lots of open space beneath the canopies. Essentially you feel very in the open in vulnerable, yet unable to see far beyond the trail in any direction. This was very unnerving, and several times I had the creeping sensation of being watched or pursued, though despite the nastiness of this sensation, it was still an interesting experience, for I realized that for some reason, I feared the unknown creatures in the dark, yet I feared not for my life. Strangely the thought of being killed on that trek back by some horror was not particularly disturbing to me at that moment (not that I desired it, but I didn't feel the usual sickly horror), but rather simply being watched was much more unnerving. This mindset was rather interesting, and focusing on exploring it was what I believe helped to ground me from freaking out. I eventually emerged from the forest onto the road, immediately feeling much better, as if I had overcome a great fear.
At this point I was no longer strongly inebriated, but was still a little shroomy. I got on my bike and began riding home (this is a country rode with little traffic, so I felt safe doing so) and enjoyed the exhilaration of zooming down the side of the road. I decided to make my way to the neighboring town instead of going right home, as I felt like exploring. I enjoyed riding through the town, particularly stopping in a grocery store and puzzling over the fact that they did not carry skittles, my favourite candy. I eventually settled down in a park and finally finished Kiki's Delivery Service while enjoying the beautiful moon above me.
All in all, this was an incredible experience, worth the risk of tripping alone. I can say that without the burden of concerns for other people around me, tripping can be an altogether far more introverted and freeing experience, offering me that much sought after 'connection with the universe'.
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