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I Have Been Taking It for Twenty Years
Amphetamines (Adderall)
by Dr. Adderall
Citation:   Dr. Adderall. "I Have Been Taking It for Twenty Years: An Experience with Amphetamines (Adderall) (exp101223)". Erowid.org. Apr 23, 2022. erowid.org/exp/101223

 
DOSE:
T+ 0:00
120 mg oral Amphetamines
  T+ 9:00 120 mg oral Amphetamines

BODY WEIGHT: 177 lb


[Erowid Note: The dose described in this report is very high, potentially beyond Erowid's 'heavy' range, and could pose serious health risks or result in unwanted, extreme effects. Sometimes extremely high doses reported are errors rather than actual doses used.]

Two Decades of Adderall : An Amphetamine Autobiography

Thirty-five minutes ago I took a second 120 mg. dose of Adderall, the first was at noon -nine hours ago. 240 mg in total so far, -an enormous amount, but not to me.

My mindset is contemplative. I want to create a treatise on the subject. Be author of a seminal work. Somehow from my mind engineer an article on Adderall so profound it stands alone like a speed Mona Lisa. This may be the Adderall talking. Yes Adderall can make me unrealistic about my abilities. I notice a change in how I use language. With practice I no longer act on such absurd delusions of grandeur.

I am not manic. Mania from Adderall has a distinct quality, as voluminous as it is incoherent. Anything I remember doing while in that state is not nearly so compellingly interesting to marvel over after the drug wears off. I recall a fascination with math which was particularly hilarious and over-the-top. Yet the typography I drafted remains pure art.

Emotionally I am on the whole stable. Mild/severe transient bouts of depression this afternoon I can’t attribute to any one particular cause. I suppose it could be the emotion lability amphetamines have purportedly been known to cause.

Amphetamine use/abuse over many years imparts a distinct perspective on the way things seem: One moment all is right with the world, the next instance all wrong. Small change like the thought, “what a beautiful waterfall” can morph suddenly to “God what a failure I am, life’s for nothing.”
Small change like the thought, “what a beautiful waterfall” can morph suddenly to “God what a failure I am, life’s for nothing.”


A lot of things on my mind are heavy, difficult to handle. I have cancer in full remission. My brother is just out of jail and in college for the first time. My twin sister is an extraordinary success (in career and life she beats me by an order of magnitude), whereas I consider myself to be functioning far below potential.

Maybe that is what this is -an attempt to chronicle Adderall’s effects and prove myself capable of producing something. My mood remains positive. I feel like this is a confession of sorts. A cathartic undertaking worthy of others' consideration, articulate and unique, a different perspective on Adderall. I feel determined. I feel concern soon Adderall will cease to be effective.

I choose not to drink tonight, a problem I’ve faced in the past. Adderall can serve as a substitute I suppose. I may adjourn briefly to the bar if I run out of steam. But in my experience Adderall and alcohol equal poor quality.

Feeling quite alert, in command and driven is a powerful combination. I no longer feel as euphoric an effect that even a year ago Adderall produced. I pray for reverse tolerance. I pray to find a way to be prescribed the mythical ADD drug Desoxyn.

I intended to spend the night awake. A choice I made while hiking earlier. The inner “in touchness” I always feel being in nature informed this decision. I knew before dinner something had to be done, just not what. And so maybe I’ll try my hand at some pharmaceutical anthropology.

I am 28 and have been taking Adderall for twenty years. This is an attempt to share my experience -both occurring in the here & now -with an account of important historic information. It is now 9:16 pm. I am in the kitchen. The night noise of crickets and cicadas sounds louder than usual. Light is brighter. My pupils are at maximum dilation. A look in the mirror confirms definite intoxication. My CNS is fully aroused. This is what Adderall does: If it doesn’t “riff,” that is to say just sound like jazz -then it isn’t right.

I would not advise anyone to attempt such high dosage. Moreover I know half an hour from now I’ll be crushing a pill to insufflate. Here a definite tolerance to amphetamines is the obvious reason I am not hospitalized or dead.

In the past, several years previous, an “unwise” binge (let’s say a thousand milligrams over the course of a single night!) caused my kidneys to fail.

Rhabdomyolysis, a condition where a massive breakdown of muscle tissue “clogs” the renal system, impairing the body's ability to filter toxins. A build up of creatine, 1-2 units being within normal range -mine upon admission to the ER was 9. Think of a disposal jammed with meat. I thought I was psychotic. Paranoid the police were after me. Fearful my neighbor planned on killing me with a hammer. Unable to get rid of the voices I heard. Aware the van across the street could not possibly be broadcasting through my laptop and no one could be reading my thoughts.

Metabolic delirium as a result of stimulant abuse is truly an awful outcome.

8 days in the hospital being fed fluids intravenously at an accelerated rate to flush out an evening’s bad decision was the end result. What an unenviable place to be. I told the physician when they were searching for an explanation that “I ran long distances in preparation for a marathon.” This was a half truth. He was asking leading questions.

No one mentioned Adderall at the time as a possibility. Because I lied. And I can in truth say my conclusion is accurate. However it fits. I did not mention to the doctors, “by the way two days ago I took ~1000 mg. of amphetamines, then drank 1.75L of vodka in an effort to “relax.” That was one really negative experience out of thousands either neutral or beneficial. Call it coming close to dying.

Let’s get back to the present.

It is now 10:35 pm. Time flies. I feel motivated and sharply focused. It’s Labor Day tomorrow, so work/school pose no issue. Sleep is out of the question. House-sitting for my girlfriend allows for the quiet and time alone necessary to work for the next approximate 12-24 hours. This total absorption in completing a project (any project) typifies the ‘appeal’ of Adderall. Without hesitation I can commit myself totally to any task, knowing that it will (emphasis added) be rigorously worked at, sweated over, honed, polished and shined to see a reflection in when finished. This aspiration for a “mirror” quality is a side-effect of the drug. It also makes me narcissistic.

I find Adderall perfect for writing. Other activities significantly “enhanced” as it were by amphetamine use are many. Sex especially of late Adderall has “improved,” difficult to orgasm but endless in duration. Although I at times have been unable to achieve an erection. The effects on my libido now are neutral.

What compels me to write this is (in my opinion) a general lack of long-term experiential documentation of the drug. By this I mean, “look at how my brain thinks it is razor keen.” I see room in the annals for another report on Adderall while on Adderall.
Now it is 11:26 pm. I appreciate an increasing awareness of being “up.” I know if I were to stand and walk my gait would be stiff from hours of maintaining the same posture. I need to stretch my legs, one’s asleep -has been for 45 minutes.

A drink or two sounds nice. The idea of going out however is unpleasant. I will feel all eyes in the room on me. Hear murmurs of people thinking. It is going to be a long night. It is midnight and I feel satisfied with progress so far.

Exp Year: 2013ExpID: 101223
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: 28 
Published: Apr 23, 2022Views: 843
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Amphetamines (6) : Retrospective / Summary (11), General (1), Various (28)

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