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Coming Undone and Back Again
Huasca Brew (B. caapi & A. confusa)
Citation:   Samantha. "Coming Undone and Back Again: An Experience with Huasca Brew (B. caapi & A. confusa) (exp101421)". Jun 18, 2014.

T+ 0:00
94 g oral Banisteriopsis caapi (tea)
  T+ 0:20 8 g oral Acacia confusa (tea)
Beginning at 10am on Saturday, I started the brew. I had 8gm of acacia confusa in one pot and approx. 94gm of b. caapi in the other pot. I had 3/4 of a lemon that I split in half and squeezed into each pot. I let the two plants brew for 4 hours, then drained each pot with cheesecloth, then put a small amount of plant material back into each pot and let the liquid simmer for 2 hours to reduce down. I then strained them again into two separate mugs and let them cool.

In the two weeks leading up to Saturday, I had been following a modified ayahuasca diet; no alcohol, no vinegar, very little salt, no red meat, no sugar. I basically had poultry, eggs, fish, fruits, veggies, and whole grains like rice and buckwheat. I had also been putting effort into meditating more frequently and working to align my chakras through binaurals and sound healing.

While brewing, I had spoken my intention to the brew. I had wanted a gentle journey since this would be my first time and I was doing it alone, but I also wanted to get something out of it as well. Many people speak of feeling lighter, more at one, and experience emotional healing. I spoke my main goal of wanting truth and clarity, and I read the long laundry list of things I wanted to know or work on, but spoke the intention that I would trust where the plants wanted to take me and asked for healing. I prepared my house by cleaning it and smudging each room with sage and sweetgrass, meditated, did yoga, and selected some stones to accompany me on my journey. I also mostly fasted that day, having only coconut milk with spirulina and chia, a small portion of buckwheat, a rice cake, and a tiny piece of a hard boiled egg, all before 4 pm.

At 6:10 pm, I drank the caapi. It was bitter, but not as horrible tasting as I had expected. I sat back on my bed and within 10 minutes felt very physically relaxed, yet slightly nauseous.

At 6:30 pm, I drank the acacia which tasted like bile.

At approximately 7:15, I still felt very physically relaxed like I was very stoned. I did have the faint sensation of kundalini energy rising up my spinal column. I did experience nausea, but besides urinating frequently, did not purge at this point. I never experienced any OEVs or CEVs and was fully capable of moving around my house. I should note that I also had an album of icaros playing. At some times, they seemed to be too harsh sounding, but when I turned them off, I felt I needed to turn them back on again immediately.

By about 8:10 pm, I turned the icaros off for the evening, and was wondering if the dose I had taken was too small. When I had reduced the liquid down while brewing, I only got small portions of the acacia and caapi that were probably about 1 oz and 3 oz respectively. I had not had any sort of experience at this point beyond the previously mentioned stoned feeling and nausea.

Around 8:30 pm, I began to feel like perhaps something was wrong with me; maybe I was broken. Or maybe I had done something wrong. At this point, I began to cry out of feeling like a general failure, then that feeling of not making the right choices brought up a recent pregnancy I had lost, and I began to bawl with guilt, shame and self-hatred.

At 9:00 pm, the smell of the brew that was still lingering in my house just began to smell disgusting to me. I went in and wiped down my kitchen and stove, while still crying, but the smell lingered and I couldn't take it anymore. I remember through sobs saying that I just wanted it out of me and I wanted it to be done, referring to the pain and loathing, and at this point I vomited what little was in my stomach. I did not really feel better though. I still continued to cry and now my throat burned from the bile. I drank a little water and rinsed my mouth out, then brushed my teeth to try and get the taste out of my mouth.

At about 9:30, I still felt utterly miserable but tired, and was still crying though to a lesser degree. I laid down in my darkened room and dozed for about half an hour though I did not intend to.

At 10:30, I got up and wanting to try to relax myself, I attempted to watch Carl Sagan's Cosmos, as that normally has a calming sedative effect on me, but anything I put on the tv just felt too harsh.

By 11:00 pm, I laid back down in my room and thought maybe I should put on a meditative album, but even that sounded too harsh. I was still crying intermittently, felt miserable, and my nerves felt completely raw. I was asleep shortly thereafter hoping that I would feel better when I woke.

My sleep that night was very restless; constant nightmares, headaches, and hearing creaking in the wicker box that I use for a night stand.

By 6:30 am on Sunday, I awoke for the day. I awoke crying from yet another nightmare and continued to cry for several hours. I attempted to go for a walk, sit in nature, do some yoga, but nothing seemed to stop the miserable agony and crying but for a brief moment.

At about 8:30 am, feeling exhausted and unable to stem the flood of tears and pain, I called my mother (we are very close) and spoke with her for a while and made myself a grounding breakfast of eggs, bacon, and chamomile tea.

Finally at about 9:00 am, the tears and agony subsided some. I still felt like the pain was there, but I at least feel like I am able to function.

This didn't really feel like a journey, it just felt more like I had come undone, like I was that raw depressed girl I was at 15. I had gotten the impression that with ayahuasca and its analogs, that something was supposed to be gained from the journey, that you are supposed to work through the pain, but I just feel like every negative feeling and experience I've ever had just got dredged up and then left there for me to stare at even after the process was over. I am by nature a very introspective person, and have spent much time facing my problems and trying to work through them over the years. I have never been one to stuff my feelings, but I feel like after my experience, that I had more of a setback than any sort of forward progress or learning experience. I acknowledge the usefulness of crying and purging emotions and pain, but I didn't expect the pain to still be there just as intensely the next morning.

Being as it is only 11:00 am on Sunday, I may discover that the experience was more beneficial than I believed it be initially and I certainly hope so. I know that MAOIs and DMT can have different effects on different people, so I certainly hope that I am not the type to be turned into a blubbering depressed mess every time without feeling or seeing any of the beauty and love that others report. Will I try the brew again? Perhaps; time remains to be seen, but if so, it will definitely not be for some time.


So a quick addendum to my previous experience report:

As Sunday progressed, my mood gradually improved, and I was able to gain quite a bit of perspective on my experience of Saturday night. I realized that the emotional purge had been more valuable than I gave credit, and over the course of the day, I did have some great insights as far as my place and purpose and my inner guilt cycle.

By 10 pm Sunday evening, my heart felt practically buoyant and I feel appreciative for all the pain I went through since it opened the way to some really valuable insight and growth.

Exp Year: 2013ExpID: 101421
Gender: Female 
Age at time of experience: 32
Published: Jun 18, 2014Views: 15,706
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Acacia confusa (664), Banisteriopsis caapi (169), Huasca Brew (268) : Alone (16), Depression (15), Glowing Experiences (4), Difficult Experiences (5), First Times (2), General (1)

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