Citation: Shloomth. "Self-Hatred Fixed: An Experience with Ketamine (exp101465)". Erowid.org. Apr 15, 2018. erowid.org/exp/101465
||(powder / crystals)
||(powder / crystals)
I first heard about ketamine about a year ago and thought it sounded fun but didn't decide to try it until I found out about the clinical studies where it's been shown to treat the cause of depression. I've always struggled with self-hatred and depression so I figured I'd give it a shot.
I snorted 200mg straight from a pile on the scale dish, which taught me to do it in lines next time. I then lay down on my bed, and waited. I remember thinking after about 3 minutes had passed, 'this is taking awhile…' and I let my mind wander. This, I think, is why when it hit me all at once, I totally forgot I'd done a drug.
I started to slide backwards, down and to the left diagonally into the space between my bed and the wall and into an infinite white space populated by me and a shapeless black figure in front and to the right of me. I felt like I was floating down and down, I had forgotten that I had a body, and I had mostly forgotten what reality was. After a disappointingly short time in this sizeless, shapeless, white space, I was pulled back upwards onto my bed, into my body, and into the arms of my lover J, who had laid down next to me and was cuddling me. I liked the idea of that but I couldn't really feel her.
After this point I was basically conscious but I felt as if the world was in slow motion and everything was sort of faded out (not dark or anything, but nothing felt 'solid') I then started talking to J, not unlike a young kid coming out of the dentist's office having just been knocked out and acting loopy. I vividly remember that when she spoke, I could hear her, and her words sounded completely foreign, but I still could understand and respond to her. When I heard her spoke I could see what looked like a waveform at the bottom of my vision.
When I regained consciousness, I lay in bed for another 15-20 mins or so, and when I felt I could manage it I ventured out into the living room. I didn't have full control of my legs yet, so I ended up walking really weirdly. Not like a robot, but more like someone trying to dance-walk and failing miserably at it.
For a few hours after that I felt normal but very at peace.
Now: It's been a week since I did the k, and since then I have not had a single self-hating depressive episode, and the depressive episodes I've had were much shorter than before. I would venture to say that ketamine actually helped me. It's made me value myself more as a person.
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Grazing the K-hole
[Re-write of Report, Two Months Later]
A bit of background about myself.
I’m 19, a film student, and had moderate experience with marijuana, and have done acid, shrooms and 25i once each. I’ve also struggled with depression and anxiety for most of my adult life. I read about how ketamine is being tested as a treatment for depression, and have read many interesting stories about it.
My girlfriend at the time, “cat,” prepared me a dose of about 200mg and a smaller one for herself (roughly 20mg if memory serves.) The idea of the k-hole didn’t appeal to her but she was curious about the drug.
This was when I learned a valuable lesson about snorting things. I had never snorted anything before and so I sucked in the whole 200mg pile at once. It felt like a fireball sliding up my nose, spreading all around my face and down the back of my throat. I made a mental note to remember to make lines next time.
I then lay back on my bed, and waited for the drug to hit me. I remember thinking it was taking a longer time than I’d expected. About 4 or 5 minutes later, I immediately felt the full force of the drug. The initial onset was like falling asleep in that I suddenly became almost completely unaware of my surroundings and my own body. It took me a few seconds to remember that I’d just done…a drug? Some kind of drug? What drug? It starts with a k…ket…oh yeah ketamine!
As time went on, I began to feel as though I was sliding down and backwards into a space that was underneath and behind my bed. A sizeless white space, with what seemed to be some sort of barrier to my right. I began to move freely within this space, choosing to try and get to the other side of this barrier. I kept going down and down, eventually I passed under the barrier, and shot up the other side. I then found myself back in my room, and slowly noticed cat had crawled in bed next to me and was holding me comfortingly.
I remember trying to find my hands and fingers, then moving them and marveling at how weird it felt. For lack of a better explanation, my fingers were echoing, fading in and out of different positions as I wiggled them. I also remember repeatedly moaning “holy shit…holy shit…” very slowly, as to try and convey what I was experiencing to cat. In a brief moment of insight I realized how loud I sounded to myself, and I somehow managed to ask, “I’m not making too much noise am I?” to which she responded, “no you’re barely making any noise.” this put me at ease enough to go back to enjoying myself.
This entire time, I had forgotten all my worries. All my troubles were far away and needed no attention from me right now. Bliss.
An unknown amount of time later (which I later learned was about 40 minutes) I felt more or less awake again. I was able to find my limbs without issue, but moving them was a task I found more difficult than I’d expected. I tried to sit up and planned to eventually move into the living room. Upon sitting up I immediately felt nauseous. Knowing I would never be able to make my way to the toilet in time I begged cat for a plastic bag to throw up in. The moment she handed me the bag I threw up into it effortlessly. Usually when I vomit it’s extremely unpleasant but I remember thinking it was no more big a deal than, say, burping. Cat disposed of the bag and went into the living room. I promised I’d meet her there once I could walk.
Something like 5 minutes later, I thought I’d try getting up. I reminded myself of someone in the hospital getting up from their bed. Slow and uncoordinated. I walked slowly into the living room the only way I could, which to onlookers would have seemed like some sort of overly exaggerated funny walk. It was the only way I could maintain balance.
I sat on the couch next to her, continuing to feel complete bliss in regards to my ongoing problems of the time. This feeling remained for at least a couple hours, long after I regained full control over my limbs.
That night, cat had left and I remembered how much k I had left. I decided to try taking a much smaller dose to see what that was all about. I estimated that I must have about 250mg left, so I eyeballed a pile of roughly 30-50mg (being unable to use the scale as I was, on account of my vision).
I formed the pile into a line and snorted it half in one nostril and half in the other. This time it was much less eventful as I’d expected. I tried watching a tv show on netflix but it was simply too hard to focus. For whatever reason I stood up and walked to the other side of my room (don’t remember why) and then I just stood there, perfectly still, for something like 10 minutes. Again, I had no worries, no concerns, and really no desire to move or do anything. I was quite amazed at my ability to stand so still for so long. Then I climbed back in my bed and had the best sleep in months.
On the subject of ketamine as a depression treatment, I can say that for a few days I did feel freed from my depression and anxiety. However, this was short lived as cat was a primary source for a lot of my anxiety, and she managed to coax an anxiety attack out of me, and then the general feeling of bliss was gone. I have read that ketamine treats these disorders by repairing neuronal connections in the brain that have been damaged by chronic anxiety, and based on this, my theory is that she gave me enough anxiety in those few days to re-do the damage the ketamine had repaired. Of course I’m no expert on the subject, just my theory.
In conclusion, it was a fun and truly unique experience. I can definitely see the addiction potential for this drug, as well as the possibility for treating my depression with it. However if I were going to self-medicate with this stuff I’d need to be extremely careful not to get too into it. Only using it once a week and only when I thought it would benefit me.
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