Citation: peopler4eating. "Short Life's Retrospective: An Experience with Cannabis (exp101469)". Erowid.org. Apr 6, 2016. erowid.org/exp/101469
I am a 30 year old white male who has graduated high school, and studied a couple years at University but does not have a degree. I have always had an interest in altered states of consciousness. As a child I was fascinated with magic mushrooms after hearing about them from some older kids at the church I went to. Church, at that time, also interested me for very similar reasons. I enjoyed the the altered states of consciousness I could achieve by being still. I studied the bible with a small group of friends. We met at a youth pastor's house at least once a week outside of our normal Wednesday and Sunday Church Bible studies. At that time I also spent time experimenting with drugs vicariously by reading about their effects in library books. I had always been exceedingly cautious about actually taking psychedelic drugs though. In fact, chicken is what most people would call it. Young people never say exceedingly cautious. So I was a chicken, up until 7th grade when I smoked Cannabis for the first time.
My best friend's older brother invited us to sneak out and smoke out of a small south park (it had kenny on it) glass pipe filled with what smelled to me like; fresh shit mixed with skunk spray. I kinda liked it. We smoked until he got a good laugh about how silly we were acting and sent me on my way. After walking into one of the house walls I managed to make my way down the side-street between our houses. As I climbed into bed my mind was racing. I stayed up for I don't know how long thinking about how the music in my earphones sounded incredible, and how my whole body seemed to be floating and buzzing. And then I began to think about myself; the things I did to my brother that hurt our relationship, the things I'd done by lying to myself and others. It started to spiral into what most people would probably consider a bad trip. And to most people, including me at the time, it probably was.
I woke up the next day and did not try another psychedelic for 5 years. I hadn't liked the WORK it had started in me. I felt poisoned spiritually, I felt worthless and broken. I didn't realize at the time that it was only the negative in me, my ego used to being fed compliments, that was feeling that emotion. It was so powerful at that time that I did not know that elation and joy lay underneath, pulsing from the initial experience smoking Cannabis. As those 5 years rolled by I saw more and more the selfishness and hatred and judgement in myself. I couldn't control it. I was headed towards rock bottom and I wasn't even using a single substance. I continued to hurt people emotionally and to keep my own emotions properly guarded.
Maybe at the last minute, maybe miles from bottom. I can't be sure. But thankfully, I never hit that bottom, I was saved. Though, I know when, who and what saved me.
It was my first semester of college. My first time away from home for a length longer than a month. I still maintained a healthy lust for inquiry about all manner of psychedelics. I had begun to read internet articles from various websites and had in my head at the time what I thought was a solid foundation in how psychedelics 'worked'. HA! So it was after a couple weeks feeling my dorm mates out for who would be 'cool' about trying some weed I struck up an awkward conversation with who I considered the most likely candidate for coolness (we lived in a particularly restrictive area in the dorms that promised extra punishment for illicit activities). Turns out I had an eye for the right person. An, AVID weed smoker we'll call B. I mean, his motto was 'smoke weed everyday, daily.' His parents thought that the substance-free dormitory area would be good for him and keep him out of trouble... parents can be kinda ignorant, amirite? Ok, back to me. And Salvation. As you can probably infer, Cannabis is my salvation.
When I smoked with B for the first time, the same initial feelings I had as a youngster started to come back. I was light-headed, and warm and music sounded great. But then, the same introspection I had such an aversion to started to manifest. I awkwardly excused myself and went back to my dorm room where I prepared to feel really uncomfortable about myself again for several hours. I lay down, and as I did thoughts came into my head and quickly desseminated into a million different seemingly random mental pathways. With my eyes closed I was traveling at lightspeed through a network of multi-colored fibers, each one representing to me, a thought. A thought that would eddy and disappear quickly in the current of my consciousness when I tried to grasp it. And somehow instead of negative emotions and egotistical walls presenting themselves as they head done previously, a connection was made. I saw in my minds eye the love and joy and peace that was pulsing beneath a sea of my ego and self delusion. It was a song of love, being called out from the depth of my hatred and anger and pain. I knew in my brain at the same time that I had to reach that space.
I set into my head at that moment that I would do whatever I could to know that song and know that love. Then Cannabis spoke. She spoke to me with words, and pictures and ideas. She showed me how I was poisoning my relationships and how I was poisoning myself. She began the good work in me I had never experienced in all of my years of rigorous biblical study. And right then and there I took up that work. And I has been a very, very long hard road. One I have not seen the end of. But; through daily cannabis use, and through focused attention to my path and my personal work, and the use of other psychoactive compounds and plant allies, I have come to know that song a little better. I have honesty on my side, I have love on my side. And every day I do the work, the melody gets sweeter.
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