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Joys and Fears of Losing Control
Salvia divinorum, 2C-B & Beer
Citation:   KsMnt. "Joys and Fears of Losing Control: An Experience with Salvia divinorum, 2C-B & Beer (exp102150)". Erowid.org. Aug 15, 2019. erowid.org/exp/102150

  smoked Salvia divinorum
  10 glasses oral Alcohol - Beer/Wine
  1 tablet oral 2C-B
These are two events in which psychedelic drugs were taken. Some of the findings in the first event may have been actually only realised in the second event. Some of the findings in both may have been realised whilst sober or whilst high on mary jane. I live in the Netherlands and during both of the events the only language heard, spoken or read was my native language: Dutch. Furthermore, it would be interesting to know that I am not a very religious or spiritual person, though these events really changed the way I look at life and ever since the second event I have had a lot of restless nights where I seem to be pulled back into these trips.
I have had a lot of restless nights where I seem to be pulled back into these trips.

I'm sitting in a room with some people I barely know, but it's where I get my drugs from and I enjoy chilling with them. At this point I've already snorted a line of speed, but with no noticeable effects. We decide to do Salvia, about 0.25g of 15X.

Taking a step back to a year ago, my friends and I are in my living room, I'm excited to try Salvia for the first time, though we don't have the right tools, I stuff about 0.25g of 10X in a small 5 euro pipe, take a regular lighter and smoke. I take a few more hits. With the pipe now down on the table I sit back in the couch and wait for the effects to hit me. Seconds later I notice the chair in the dining room with a fake fur blanket on it, I look at the wrinkles in the blanket and notice the wrinkles in the blanket extend across the entire room. Describing what I'm seeing to my friends is incredibly hard, sentences aren’t coherent at all and I can't find any of the right words, I look at my mate and feel funky but not trippy at all, that felt incredibly short. My friend told me later that I had passed out right after I started describing what I saw and didn't wake until a half an hour later. I have no recollection of anything I saw or experienced except for the moment before I passed out.

Knowing I hadn't used Salvia the right way then, I always wanted to try it again. So here I am, got a good bong in my hands, Salvia loaded up, torch lighter ready. I light the bong and fill it with smoke, exhale and then fill my lungs with the smoke. I put down the bong and keep my breath in, it's a lot easier than I had imagined with a bong, but before I can think more about how comfortably the smoke sits in my lungs, I feel that I exhale. I get pulled backwards, through the couch.

Moving backwards fast, looking forward I can see the room I was just becoming smaller and smaller in a massive black void. Next thing I see is two women holding signs saying “Here goes” and “Another one”. I start moving forward in between the two women. Everything I see leaves a trace behind and it feels like I’m flying freely in between loads of different people, people I know, or at least feel like I know. There’s isn’t much time to think, but I hear something thinking, I hear something saying “Calm down, this is a rollercoaster ride you’re enjoying”. I start laughing, I feel so amazing and I just dont know why! “I’m laughing but there’s nothing funny, so something must be tickling me”, I rhymed.

Suddenly I see it, the room I was in, but it wasn’t in a black void, it was in the body of a giant yellow robot shaped like a human that was walking through a stormy desolate realm. The room sat inside the bottom land of a cog, in fact, everywhere around the cog sat the exact same room. But they didn’t feel like the same rooms, there was something “off” about them. I fly back into the room, I can’t move my body. “Wow, is this a new world?”, I ask. I’m told it’s a new world. And from this point on I discuss with these people on what to do in this new world, before I realise an hour later that I just had a very intense and odd experience. To just call it a trip felt wrong, because the feeling during that “trip” was amazing, feeling that I have discovered how existence works. During the discussion a possibility of suicide was discussed. Something convinced me that if I jumped down from the 6 floor high flat I was in, I would return to the same world, except I wouldn’t know what I had just learned. What had I just learned?
What had I just learned?

Two weeks later I’m at a birthday party, my parents are away from home tonight. After ~10 beers I take a 16mg pill of 2c-b, wanting to enjoy the weekend to the absolute fullest. Biking home is nice, the cold wind feels nice and I’ve got gloves on to stay warm. Like always when I go on my bike I have a headset on playing a variety of deep house tracks and mixes. I arrive home and go watch some tv. Some time later I feel that the drugs are working their first effects, I feel funky and decide to go upstairs to my room to chat on my laptop. I’m not sure what triggered it, but I started thinking about something and couldn’t find the answer, so I kept thinking but to no avail. I say “How do I know what comes next?”, bad feelings start running down my body and I can feel that this is not the way I want the trip to go. I try get some distraction by putting a track called Schlang Bang by Barker & Baumecker. It sounds like I’m boiling in a cauldron. Something is telling me that I have to let go to enjoy the rollercoaster ride. I sit back and empty my mind.

It’s not easy to clear my mind as I’ve been stuck in a mindloop for what feels like forever. I close my eyes and try to focus on the CEV’s. Suddenly I see a group of people sweeping by fast above me (still with closed eyes), one of them had their arms extended towards me. “Did we get him?”, “No”, I hear them say. Wanting to know more about what that just was, I try to focus and grab on to that person that just swept by. After another 2 tries or so I start seeing a countdown from 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, the group of people starts swinging by again...

I’m still not sure how I grabbed on, but it felt amazing. It felt like in my mind I tap into something and I can immediately feel the connection down my entire body. I start laughing hard, I feel so good I should laugh, I laugh. Though it feels really good, I should be wondering why I’m laughing. There isn’t anything funny, so I must be getting tickled. I look down and see that my body is covered by fingers of arms that are behind me. It’s like the fingers are part of my body and they have the same colour as my shirt painted on them. I jump up and look around, laughingly saying “No! No way! You’re kidding me! I see it now!” My entire vision is overlayed by human eyes, mouths, feet and hands, they’re colored in a way that makes up my vision. I’m cheering and I feel incredibly joyful, as if I’ve won a game show, no even better: I feel like I just discovered how this universe we live in works. My vision breaks up when the limbs I see move backwards. Now I can see the human-like figures that seconds ago built up my vision, I feel like I know them, but I can’t recall their names. Sadly this only lasts for a second and I get released back into the regular world. What just happened? Should I know this? Is this really something I want to know? And more importantly, is any of it real, or am I becoming insane?

Because of the difficulty to think properly I spent the next hours trying to tap back in but usually to no avail. I get to the point where I can see the countdown and I repeatedly jump up from my chair or bed saying the exact same things every time. Until I notice the time, 6 ‘o'clock, I’ve been doing this for like 6 hours now, I need to get some sleep. I lay in my bed, trying to get to sleep, but damn I’m still so twitchy. I weigh my options: I can let go and go for the ride again, or I can let myself go on a bad trip and enjoy the full-on scary visuals and thoughts. At this point the ride seems too much, it’s showing me stuff I really feel I shouldn’t know or don’t want to know. I completely take control of my brain and direct it to scary thoughts. As I expected the scary thoughts aren’t as scary as they’re made out to be. I see a landscape where the ground is made up of flesh and intestines, odd creatures walking towards me. Some 10 seconds into the bad trip I see my family and friends, they’re eyes falling out of their skulls. “OKAY THEN! THIS IS OBVIOUSLY NOT GOING TO WORK!” I yell. I give back control to the drug and relax. Almost instantly the bad thoughts and visuals morph into things I again can’t understand. The countdown starts again, I contemplate whether I should let it count down to 0 or not, though it’s already at 5 before I realize I can’t stop it. I can’t move my body and my thoughts are stuck on a track going in a single, and what feels like a pre-determined, track.

Something makes my body jump out of bed, I start rhyming/singing and laughing again. I can’t remember what I said but I felt like I had said it or heard it before. I start running downstairs, through the living room, into the backyard. “Stay calm. Don’t worry. Before you realize what is going on, you’ll be dead…”, at this point I realize that without doing anything myself, I had run outside in my underwear, towards the ditch behind our house. I stood in front of the ditch, right in front of me a group of people. They’re the same people that made up my vision, they seem incredibly familiar this time as I am standing face to face to them. “You have to jump”, they tell me. Jumping into the ditch will kill me I thought, but they tell me it’s the only way to live a normal life again. “If you jump in, you get in the same world again, you just won’t know what you know now.”

I walk around talking to myself (?) for a few minutes, saying that it’s soooo fucking lame that I have to kill myself whilst on drugs. It’s such a lame cliché it seems, but I suddenly understand why people do it. This is some kind of fixed track I could get stuck in, and it would force me into a path to self-destruction… I decide it is best not to kill myself and try sit out the trip, to see if it will bother me as much when I wake up as how it’s bothering me then. After another hour or so I wake up, thank god I managed to fell asleep. I go to sleep again and sleep until noon.

Still confused as to what I saw I clean up the house. I destroy some papers in my notepad, they have some really weird texts written on them and they feel like suicide notes. Why in the world did I lose control, and to what? I’m still not sure, maybe I’m just going insane, that seems like the easy way to explain all of this.

Exp Year: 2013ExpID: 102150
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: 21
Published: Aug 15, 2019Views: 546
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Alcohol - Beer/Wine (199), 2C-B (52) : Combinations (3), Various (28)

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