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Please Let Me Not Hurt Anyone
by Uuid
Citation:   Uuid. "Please Let Me Not Hurt Anyone: An Experience with LSD (exp102311)". Erowid.org. Nov 10, 2019. erowid.org/exp/102311

4 hits sublingual LSD (blotter / tab)
Age at time of experience: approx. 30 yrs old
Age at time of writing: 47

This describes one of my last experiences with LSD. Before this experience I had taken LSD maybe 20 times and mushrooms less than 10 times. I also had prior experiences with marijuana, inhalents, alcohol, and nicotine but I was not a regular user of any of these. It had been about 5 years since my previous experience with hallucinogens. The intervals between LSD experiences had grown longer with time
The intervals between LSD experiences had grown longer with time
, and the doses had grown larger too, in an effort to somehow test myself and touch back on something very wonderful that I'd once experienced on LSD. I was not taking any prescription medication; although, I probably would have been a good candidate for Prozac at that time and was what you might call depressed.

I was spending my birthday alone. I recall it was going to be the world premier of Madonna's 'Erotica' video on MTV. I was at a place in my life where I very much wanted to be successful at something, but I didn't think I was accomplishing much. I can see now that I was pulled in too many directions by my naive ideas of 'success' or 'doing right.' I was in graduate school, nearing completion of a PhD in a subject I wasn't much interested in, and I was feeling very sorry for myself. I was lost and trying to get found, either by finding my self or finding my non-self. I was a Buddhist and practicing meditation and had a pretty good vocabulary to describe my experience.

I had bought some LSD from a friend who assured me it was very good and strong. I had really quite forgotten what the actual experience of acid was like, and I wanted to get an unambiguous dose, so I decided to take all 4 hits at once. It was early evening (8pm), my housemates had already come home and gone out for the night, so I took four hits under my tongue and swallowed the paper when I felt myself starting to get altered. As the buzz increased, it was like, 'Oh yes, I remember this. Hello. This is really it.'

I was laying on the couch and watching TV and getting quite high. I hung on as long as I could stand to watch (waiting for the Madonna video), but the faces on TV kept flashing to weird and sinister forms
the faces on TV kept flashing to weird and sinister forms
. Of course I kept telling myself that it was all my projection, just the inner part of my mind manifesting, and, yes, it was unpleasant. I did some stretches and deep breathing to try to relax. I prayed to the drug and my mind to please let this be a learning experience. And please let me not hurt anyone.

By this time I was really getting overwhelmed by the visuals and had to turn off the TV and reduce the stimulation. Madonna's video came on and I couldn't understand it, but it had some powerful images and I liked the music. I was giving myself worrying thoughts. How would I know if I did something to hurt myself? What would prevent me from drinking poison or stabbing myself or mistaking a housemate for an evil being and killing them, etc., etc., etc., ad nauseum into the most extruciating loops of yes/no, 'who said that, 'who said that?'.'

Somehow, of course, there is a part of the mind in all this that is still just observing. Even as the panic was intensifying, there is something which is capable of noticing things, and which is capable of directing action. As I noticed this, I somehow formed the thought that, 'Yes, you might do something to hurt yourself or others. But if you notice something that doesn't seem right, just slow down a little and consider changing course.' This was not a complete relief from the looping thoughts or fantasies, but it did provide a little fresh air. Even if I had no confidence or was lost in confusion, I could just notice things as best as I could, and just try to do the reasonable thing.

This helped a lot, and it inspired me to call a friend. I don't think I outright asked for help, but she spoke to me very plainly, asking what was going on. I explained I had taken the acid her friends had sold me and I was very confused and scared and ... But suddenly, the most interesting thing happened. As I tried to explain what was happening, I tried to find a center or a problem or a locus of my experience, and I could not find it at all. It was as if a great space had just become apparent. I still felt quite high, but I had to conclude that absolutely nothing weird was happening. I had taken this drug, and, moments ago, I had been completely delirious, but now it seemed as if there was nothing but a kind of dumbfounded responsiveness. It was all happening and yet nothing was happening.
It was all happening and yet nothing was happening.

I'm not sure how to explain this part, but somehow the trip transitioned. It was about 11pm, and I recall not knowing what to do with myself, so I called up the girls who had sold me the acid. They were two very cute lesbians, possibly bisexual, and they invited me over to their apartment to hang out. Still feeling very high, and now somewhat sexually excited, I got myself together enough to walk over to their place. The evening air was cool and refreshing, and the walk of 1.5 to 2 miles was very grounding.

When I got there, my mind was somewhat racing, but it was still possible to connect in a good-natured way. I feel somewhat shy and awkward, but it seems always possible to get along with a little humor and honesty. They had another fellow visiting who showed us the scars on his abdomen where he had been nearly severed in a motorcycle accident when he was pinned between a semi and a car. Wow. The girls and he had been drinking and had snorted a little speed. We just hung out watching music videos and talking. The other chap left around 3 or 4am, and I stayed until dawn. I had some unrequited love-type feelings for one of the girls, who was very attractive, but it seemed to be okay to just experience that lustful feeling without trying to particularly act on it. I finally walked home as the sun was coming up and enjoyed the sunrise and feeling of activity starting to pick up in the small town.

LSD is really great. But you never know what will come of it. There is always a journey involved, usually with some struggles, fear, and paranoia. Seeming truths arise and pass away. It may be possible to hold them for a while, but in the end you are holding to something different than the truth that once was. The psychedelic and entheogenic qualities of the drug seem to allow the mind to compress and expand experience without as many walls or rules as usual. It is interesting how there are consistent patterns to one's experience, though. The senses and the habits of personality, emotion, and cognition do flex and bend, but there is regularity and repetition. Sometimes it is happy, sometimes sad; LSD is a great potentiator. This experience was a culmination of many acid experiences. Yes, it is everything; yes, it is nothing. The journey continues.

Exp Year: 1996ExpID: 102311
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: 30
Published: Nov 10, 2019Views: 686
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LSD (2) : Various (28), Difficult Experiences (5), General (1)

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