Citation: motty. "Empathy: An Experience with MDMA (exp102582)". Erowid.org. May 6, 2020. erowid.org/exp/102582
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In the morning of the experience I had my last exam of my 3 years of university, I was exhausted from lack of sleep and hyped up on caffeine but any tiredness evaporated the instant I was finished. My mood was a mix of relief and the building nervous excitement as I thought about trying MDMA for the first time in the evening. I had 2 grams of crystal MDMA, planning to share with 3 friends and hold onto the rest. I thought 150mg each would be good for a first night as I was planning to have more at a house party 2 days later (An unwise decision as I now know, always space 1 month apart).
The MDMA was white/yellowish crystal. I weighed and placed in rizla bombs within gelatin capsules. I had previously done this with DXM and found it the safest way to not drop anything from scales to cap. There usually isn’t any issue with absorption I found with DXM, I figured the paper just unwraps when the capsule dissolves.
The night starts by drinking to ease my nervous tension (excitement) at a friends place. We decide to have 150mg by my method and head to the club so that we could get in. There is no problem getting in so we end up drinking more and chatting while we are “waiting”. I start to feel uncomfortable and anxious thinking as if I had been ripped off even though it was from a trusted friend. It’s been an hour and half and only one of us feels slightly different than normal. We debate whether it’s a slow absorption from my method or whether we didn’t take enough or it wasn’t MDMA. A solution appears, we should get the rest. We leave the club and head back to my house planning to push each of our doses up to 250mg.
This is when it hits.
I am walking with a friend, who says he is clearly now feeling the effects, moving around strangely and pointing out that breathing has now become the single most incredible experience in life. I feel really jealous for an instant, annoyed why it isn’t working for me, but then all those negative feelings completely disappear.
It begins with the utmost subtlety, I don’t even notice it, but then it is there, a complete serenity, contentedness, energy yet calm… utter bliss.
We start walking so slowly yet we could sprint, I just want to savour every moment and movement because it is incredible. As my friend was pointing out breathing was unbelievable. I have never felt more alive than in this moment, alive as a human being, as a part of human-kind and alive as a soul. Already I am running out of superlatives to describe the sensations I was feeling in that moment. I could use every positive descriptive word possible and still not come close to explaining what I felt deep within my core.
It dawned on us the irony of having left to get more when by the time we had gone all the way back it was fully upon us, we decided to take more of course :). It seemed that whatever we did in any moment was the most incredible thing we had ever done. Looking up at the stars, talking, smiling and walking, all felt like I had never done these things before or ever really appreciated them. We hadn’t even started dancing.
We take 100mg more each via the crystals dissolved in water. We head back to the club and all we can do for the next 2 hours is dance. I remember the clarity of my mind, it was so unlike being drunk and being drunk now seemed so stupid. I could spot those who were drinking, they seemed sluggish, uncontrolled. I felt completely in control yet any inhibitions were gone, everyone became my friend in my mind.
I felt completely in control yet any inhibitions were gone, everyone became my friend in my mind.
Rather than completely lose myself in the music I sometimes just felt like swaying and letting the vibrations flow through my body, I could even feel my hair vibrate. I should also point out the music was a mix of drum n bass and some dubstep. I had never normally listened to this music but ever since I love it. It was perfect at that time. Even though nothing could bring me down I don’t think I could have enjoyed pop music. Other things I noticed were how much we were chewing our jaws, and other strange things we would do, haha! I seemed to be the most normal apparently, even though I would just standing & swaying with my eyes closed, rubbing my hands across my chest. My other friend kept making crazy faces because of his jaw tension and rubbing himself all over, the other had his eyes half closed and would constantly rub his hair. We all knew we were doing these things but it did not matter in the slightest, there were plenty of other people around clearly on MDMA as well and it just felt so good to do it.
Since we came back to the club so late, we only had 2 hours dancing so we were still well in our peaks when we left. It was decided we should walk about 20mins to the riverfront/quay and wander around. It was the best idea possible, walking was no effort at all, in fact it was still absolute joy. At this point I started getting very strong but subtle visual hallucinations. I would see something like a wooden toy sword or a huge white tiger. Everything I saw I didn’t take much notice of, I just thought, “hm, a tiger” and just kept moving, not realising how bizarre it really was. We lay down on the grass, just rolling around or staring at the stars. We four were now so open with each other, we kept on praising one another, I got many undeserved thanks for acquiring the MDMA and we all kept hugging! This carried on for at least 3 hours, wandering, looking, remarking on the beauty of everything and exhaling in constant pleasure. I was in total awe of how incredible this planet is and how magical human life is, it’s so cliché but there’s no other way to put it. I loved life.
Eventually the sun started to come up so we headed back to a house to smoke a joint and wind down. On the way home we started to notice some negative emotions and sensations creeping back in. When I say negative I really mean banal things such as tiredness or soreness, they only seemed negative in contrast to our moods. We would be talking about friends or family and make a comment that we realised wasn’t a compliment, it surprised us all for some reason. There was a realisation that we had spent at least 6 hours not feeling any type of negative thought, fear, hunger, anger, sadness, jealousy, nothing at all.
When we got back to the house the joint brought the high back slightly but also settled my thoughts somewhat. I lost the clarity of mind but by that point I was looking towards sleep anyway so I wasn’t bothered. Throughout the night I was constantly comforted by the fact that I was so lucky to have someone I loved so much that loved me (girlfriend). When everything in front of me couldn’t have possibly been any more beautiful than I imagined possible this thought brought even more unbound joy and happiness. I wish she had been there or that I could share this experience with her because I felt that everyone should know this happiness, if we all felt this how could there be any bad in the world? This is clearly flawed and naive because it is impossible to stay in this state. However since I have now been there I feel that just the knowledge of this place has brought me more everyday happiness and calm. Sadly my girlfriend is not the drugs type person, she’s perfectly happy with my use as she trusts me but I think she is afraid deep down of things she doesn’t understand. We all are really.
Once I got home and to my bed I spent probably an hour listening to the morning birds thinking about how lucky I am and all the things I take for granted. All my friends, all my experiences, both positive and negative, I was so thankful for all of it. I was overcome with emotion. It was truly empathy, a word I had never really understood until that point. The description that it is a feeling of love towards everything and everyone cannot do it justice. It needs to be felt to be understood.
“First MDMA experience, what an experience indeed. Never felt more alive before, or has pure happiness released its floods. Lots of fleeting visual disturbances, objects looking like animals seems to be quite popular, I saw a white tiger, butterfly and little wooden sword. (Very vividly). Was so content to do whatever in the world that was immediately possible. Pure bliss and amazing energies felt. The energy of a room full of people jumping up and down to Drum n Bass/ Dubstep, The power of the speakers and sounds vibrating through my already oscillating body mass. Amazing synergies felt. Experience.”
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