DOSE: T+ 0:00	4 g	oral	Syrian Rue	(tea)
T+ 0:00	15 g	oral	Acacia confusa	(tea)
T+ 0:30		oral	Ginger	(tea)

BODY WEIGHT:

145 lb

Brewing:
I first brewed the Syrian rue following a recipe online. The recipe calls for 16g of Syrian rue and 60g of acacia confusa. This gives 4 servings, so I took 1/4 of what I made.

I brewed the Syrian rue first because it came first in the mail. I cut a whole lemon and squeezed the juice into a pot of boiling water (I filtered it first so there wouldn’t be any seeds or pulp). The amount of water I used was roughly 750 ml. The type of water I used was Pellegrino Sparkling mineral water. I put the rue seeds in the pot and checked up on it every half hour for four hours. I refilled the water back to the 750 ml level every half hour. It tended to be half its water level every half hour. Remember to have proper ventilation when brewing these. The smell made me a bit nauseous. Once the brewing of the rue was done, I filtered it through a mesh strainer and cooled it in another pot which was in a cold water bath. Once it was sufficiently cooled, I saw that I had 330ml of liquid, which turned out to be roughly 4oz or half cup of liquid per serving.

Now for the acacia confusa. I measured out 60g of the powdered root bark. The powder was so fine that I bought some cheesecloth for the filtration part. I did similar instructions as with the Syrian rue. I took 750ml of Pellegrino water and added lemon juice from another fresh lemon. I was pretty impatient at this point. I brewed the acacia confuse at a VERY low flame because it was prone to bubbling uncontrollably if the flame were to be anywhere close to medium. This is more of a trial by error approach. Play with the flame until you see that it is barely simmering. This will ensure that you won’t be running back to your stove to see if it has burned or spewed over. I put a lid on it and kept the lid slightly to the side so there's a thin crescent shaped crack for the steam to vent out of. I checked up on it every half hour for roughly 5 hours. Normally the recipe said to brew it for 6-8 hours but I was impatient. 5 hours was good enough for me. The smell was pretty earthy at the end and the color of the liquid was reddish brown. I let the liquid boil down to half its volume. I took the cheesecloth and filtered the acacia confusa liquid. The remaining stuff in the cheesecloth had a clay-like consistency. I ended up with roughly 330 ml of this liquid as well. Thus I had to take two shots of half cup each for the trip.

Ingesting the brew/Experience:
My current life situation is a key role in this journey. I was going through a chronic depression for the past couple of months. I was failing in my job, my social life was suffering, I was having sexual frustration, and overall I was pretty weak-minded. I would lose myself in video games so that I wouldn’t have to deal with the emptiness that I felt in my heart. I kept myself going by watching motivational videos online, reading motivational stuff and practicing bits of gratitude when I can. However, there were many moments where I felt helpless. I am a scientist at heart. I question if god exists and whatnot, but at those moments of helplessness, I begged god (if there was one) to help me, to give me strength. I had no other mental strength left.

This is why I wanted to try ayahuasca. Other experiences I read online said people came into contact with entities. I thought maybe I can finally have a conversation with a god-like entity and figure out what my next move is. I wanted to figure a way out of my depression.

So, I got into the proper headspace. Before ingesting the ayahuasca, I watched some motivational videos. I had some questions I focused on such as: “What should I do?” “Who am I” “Who will I become?” Also, half hour prior to drinking the brew, I had some ginger tea to counter the nausea that other experiences talked about. (**CAUTION: Remember to eat only certain foods with MAOIs. I was lucky to eat only a little bit of food that fell under allowed categories for foods eaten with MAOIs.)

The time now is 12am. I had waited for my parents to sleep. I also had guests from out of country in the other room. They were fast asleep. I had finished my ginger tea; I had watched my motivational videos and gotten into a good headspace. I was still feeling apprehension and a bit of fear but I calmed myself saying that everything will be all right. I went into the bathroom and pulled out my two bottles. One was filled with the Syrian rue and the other was filled with the Acacia confuse liquid. I also had a new bottle of Pellegrino to gargle out the bad taste. I mixed half cup of Syrian rue liquid with half cup of the acacia confusa liquid. It smelled funky. I was having low expectations thinking that I only brewed the Acacia confuse for 5 hours instead of at least 6. I looked down at the murky brown liquid. The Acacia confusa wasn’t really mixing with the rue. It looked like muddy water. (As I am writing this, I’m cringing now thinking of how it tastes.) As a recent college grad, I’m no stranger to foul tasting liquids (Plastic bottled vodka anyone? Haha.) I looked at this cup and gathered enough mental strength to down the entire cup in one go. The taste was intensely bitter. I gargled with Pellegrino for a good 5 minutes until the bitter taste went way. Sadly, some of the liquid was up in my nose so I smelled it a bit but it was manageable.

Again, I was a bit skeptical. Maybe the Syrian rue was fake. Maybe the confusa bark wasn’t really confusa bark. I expected nothing. I placed both bottles into a freezer and went back to my bed. I started a stopwatch and went back to listening to music and other things.

After thirty minutes I felt nothing. I thought to myself: “Well this must not be working. I knew I should’ve boiled the acacia confuse longer.” It was nearing almost 1’o clock and still nothing. I felt nothing. I started to get sleepy. I pulled into my bed and closed my eyes for a bit.

This is where the trip starts. I think about 20 minutes later, I wake up. I have the most immediate urge to vomit. I rush to the bathroom, tightly clamping my right hand over my mouth. The liquid was already in my mouth. I puked everything out. I tried to be quiet about it but I had no control over my body. I felt animalistic as I was puking. I was sitting on the floor, gripping the toilet seat, purging my system. My head rested on the toilet seat. At that moment, I didn’t care if the toilet was a bit dirty. All I cared about was the puking to stop. The puking intensified. I let out large bellows and loud puking noises. I was scared I was going to wake up everyone in the house. At this point I thought: “Fuck it, if I get caught I get caught. I’ll explain myself later.”

Now, what happens next is going to sound like I went crazy. I actually thought I was going crazy. There was a being inserting itself into me like a glove. Someone or something else was taking space in my head. Every time it did, I felt intense nausea. It entered me. I felt intensely nauseous. The best way you can visualize what I was going through, I would direct you to Carl Sagan’s description of dimensions higher than 3d. I felt like the 2D square being interacted with by a 3d thing. I was the 3D person and a 4D thing was entering me. Now, I thought here: Maybe I’m just going mad; maybe the drug is just doing its thing. I'll ride it out.

As that thought came in, my head shifted to the left. My facial expressions changed. I was watching from my consciousness, my face changing expression without my control. However, it wasn’t like any grotesque or retarded face. It was a real true facial expression. Every time I had a thought or behavior that was representative of my ego, my facial expression would shift to something along the lines of a kid rolling its eyes followed up with intense nausea. My eyes narrowed. As if a hunter was looking at its prey. I was watching my own ego working. I saw my ego’s entire structure.

However, little by little, the entity was conditioning me. Every time my ego came up, I would feel intense nausea. At first I thought the nausea was just the drug doing its thing. However, like how a dog is trained, I noticed that every time my ego was coming up to take control of my mind, I would feel nausea. The entity smiled through me. It grinned. It was proud of me for figuring it out. Every time I was fully present, I felt no nausea. The entity would smile. However, every time the ego would pop up, when I thought about my self-pitied circumstances and whatnot, my head would shift to the left. I would feel intense nausea, the entity would create faces of annoyance, my nose cringed up in disgust, and I felt anger towards the ego. The entity was showing me that it was a structure that exists in my head. It compartmentalizes my life and hides my consciousness from what is really real. For example, an anorexic thinks that he or she is actually fat. That is a mental trick. Our egos do that as well without lives. It blinds us to what reality really is. I realized that through sheer presence, I can overcome all my problems. However, to maintain presence I would have to practice it, like a muscle. Thus I realized the importance of meditation.

I finally felt free. Since I became fully present, I felt animalistic. I felt the real man in my come out. I felt the ego death and the masculine energy within me finally unleash itself. I grinned. I felt primal. At one point, I nibbled a bit of my pant just out of curiosity. I looked up at the bathroom light above me. The entity looked back at me in my mind. Well, it wasn’t really looking at me; I was mostly looking at it. I thanked it.

Every time the ego pops up, I feel a slight pang of nausea. This condition is allowing me to differentiate between true presence and getting lost in my ego. I am grateful for this experience. Whatever that entity was, whether it was god, an angel, or a simple figment of my imagination induced by the drug, I felt truly grateful for it. I found a well of strength I didn’t know I had. I learned the difference between.

However, the nausea was continuing. What now? What now? I begged. The entity was stripping me to my core. It was stripping me to the most serious part of myself. It wanted, for once in my life to be fully serious about something. I tried to be serious, I felt nausea. I tried to be even more serious. When I finally reached a level of seriousness that was akin to true presence, I felt like I “really meant it”, it stopped the nausea. It made me understand that I must be this serious to make changes in my life. “I understand.” I told it. I just wanted the nausea to go away. “I understand I understand I understand.” I was whispering to it. However, it continued it until I became fully present again. It told me: “I don’t think you are serious. I am afraid you might have to take ayahuasca again to gain clarity again.” It feared that my ego will control me again once it leaves.

“No!” I yelled in my mind. I did not want to puke again for 4 hours. “No! I’ll show you!” the nausea came again. This time I controlled it. I became present, I became serious. I looked at the entity. “I’m serious. I can do this.”

“I don’t think you can.”

I felt the fire within me. I felt animalistic, like a dog growling at something. I took back my body. I was fully present. I told it through my emotion. I meant it. My determination was at 100%.

It backed off; only through presence I was able to control myself. I smiled. It tested me again and again and repeatedly I practiced my newfound skill of presence. I pushed myself up from the floor. The entity was going away.

It told me: “Well I have to go. The stuff is wearing off, you remember my lessons now. There are going to be so much more ahead. I have given you the tools, the gift of presence.”

I nodded, “thanks man.” It felt like I was talking to god. But now that I think about it, more like a guardian angel or something. Maybe they are both the same thing, I don’t know.

Just as it left, literally 5 seconds later, the alarm in my parents’ room rang. I smiled at the entity which was barely there.

I said: “Really? You sly guy.” I smiled at it. I was reminded of all the coincidences that I had in my life which made me question if there was a godlike thing working the fabric of reality. This was just another coincidence which was left for me to interpret.

The entity took ahold of me one last time, very weakly. It gave me a wink and a grin and a little shrug. Then it was gone.

I sat on my bathroom floor for another half hour, hearing my parents press the snooze button. I was fully present, filled with clarity about what I need to do. In addition I was having residual nausea every time my ego came up. I cleaned up the bathroom, I took a hot shower, brushed my teeth. The time now was 6am. My dad came to the bathroom to take a piss.

I told him it was a bit of food poisoning. I told him I was ok and was going to sleep. I fell asleep and had no dreams. I woke up tired but at the same time it wasn’t the same tiredness. My sheer presence showed that I had more strength than my tiredness. I could’ve stayed awake if I wanted to. I’ve always wondered how people stayed awake for days. It was simple. They just have to be on that level of seriousness and wanting it to happen. That night, I was on that level. I was wide awake but decided to sleep. As I write this, I practiced going against my tiredness as an act of being present.

Because of this experience, I have found a new strength within me. I might be a bit religious now. I don’t care what people will say and think. What I perceived is what I perceived. I am happy that I had that conversation with that god/angel entity. It cleansed my mind of the ego. I can now notice when my ego is taking hold. I am aware that this level of presence will last only for so long since it is new to me. I will work at maintaining it longer and longer through meditative sessions. My mind finally feels unclogged as if my mind was a pipe and the ayahuasca was the plumber.

I tell you, the lessons that I learned from this experience were priceless.

Exp Year: 2014	ExpID: 102657
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 23
Published: Mar 16, 2018	Views: 7,075
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Huasca Combo (269), Acacia confusa (664), Syrian Rue (45) : Alone (16), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Depression (15), Entities / Beings (37), First Times (2)