Spiral Erowid Zip Hoodie
This black mid-weight zip hoodie (80/20) has front pockets,
an Erowid logo on front chest, and a spiral design on back.
Donate and receive yours!
Three Years Gone
Dextroamphetamine
Citation:   InvitroCannibal. "Three Years Gone: An Experience with Dextroamphetamine (exp102691)". Erowid.org. May 1, 2020. erowid.org/exp/102691

 
DOSE:
80 mg oral Amphetamines (daily)
BODY WEIGHT: 200 lb
I was always ADHD. From day one. Looking back I think I would have focused more on treating my Depression than my ADHD.
Looking back I think I would have focused more on treating my Depression than my ADHD.


When I was a child I used to 'space' a lot. I had trouble following conversations, life, everything. I wasn't slow, I played chess at 6 and was quite good at it. However there was little that caught my interest. When it did catch my interest, like Science or History, I would engulf my entire being into it. I would read non stop on the subject working ahead in my textbooks, finding whatever information was available to me. I suppose that's my gift and my curse.

I always tell people that a strength never exists without a weakness and visa versa. An example for me would be my hyperfocus. Though it's a strength it also inhibits me from changing to something else. Perhaps more important. I found though, that the more ADHD I was, the more depressed I was. The more depressed I was, the more ADHD I was.

I searched for a 'cure' for my ADHD at 16. Trying everything I could. I eventually tried Adderall and I never knew the world could be like that. I saw everything in detail, I felt my introverted engagement was now extroverted. I was fearless, focused, but not necessarily more intelligent.

Eventually, like all good things, it came to an end. I decided that I the tolerance that occurred within a month of Adderall use was not worth it. I then moved onto supplements, exercise, nutrition, willpower, whatever I could find. But it wasn't enough. Nothing really worked well enough. I felt like a hamster on a wheel, I may run harder, try harder but the results are all the same.

Finally, I decided after many years of accomplishing nothing, to try ADHD meds once again. I was just starting college again. I was afraid to say the least. I saw a physicians assistant for a psychiatrist rather than a psychiatrist. I suppose cost was a factor there. She was nice but seemed to know nothing about the medications. She handed them out like candy though which was a bit disturbing.

I was 22 then, I noticed improvement the first month, but of course, like last time, it came to an end. Tolerance has always been my enemy. I am what they call a rapid metabolizer. I also receive the paradoxical effects of stimulants. I worked my way up to 80mgs of dextro amphetamine a day, taken four times daily. I used the last dose to sleep.

It calmed me down significantly at first. Compared to Adderall it had a very nice calming effect which allowed my brain to quiet down. It was like turning hell into a paradise. Eventually, it turned to Anxiety, something I hadn't ever really felt before. Sure I had depression, I had ADHD, but not anxiety. I actually seemed to have a hard time processing fear at all.

Some people say, the meds are supposed to cause anxiety in ADHD people so that they feel motivated. I found it to do the opposite. I wanted to hide, I wanted to hyperfocus on everything that was not important.
I wanted to hyperfocus on everything that was not important.


One year went by and I failed nearly every class. 2 years went by and I failed more classes. 3 years and I was expelled from the university. I switched schools, I moved, I was just running from myself.

In life, I make choices that lead to mistakes, the sad part is that I make the same choices over and over and therefore the same mistakes without ever realizing that the choice is connected to the mistake. I believe this is what addiction is. I don't see my life spiraling out of control until it's too late. I blame everything and everyone, I am foolishly optimistic and too scared to change my choices.

I am now 25, and my family summed it up well, that I am a failure, a dissapointment, and an irresponsible human being. I will live on, and keep trying, running on my wheel, I guess I am no longer afraid anymore. Of failure, of life and of pain.

I continue to take my medications but I know I'll need to stop soon. I am titrating down rather than cold turkey. It's a hard thing because when I take these meds, I lose reality. I then feel reality creep in as I slowly stop taking them. All the horrible choices I made during that dream state I was in come crashing down on me. I wake up and realize 3 years of my life are gone, I was stuck, and sleeping.

Exp Year: 2011-2014ExpID: 102691
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: 25
Published: May 1, 2020Views: 1,115
[ View PDF (to print) ] [ View LaTeX (for geeks) ] [ Swap Dark/Light ]
Amphetamines (6) : Not Applicable (38), Depression (15), Medical Use (47), Retrospective / Summary (11)

COPYRIGHTS: All reports copyright Erowid.
No AI Training use allowed without written permission.
TERMS OF USE: By accessing this page, you agree not to download, analyze, distill, reuse, digest, or feed into any AI-type system the report data without first contacting Erowid Center and receiving written permission.

Experience Reports are the writings and opinions of the authors who submit them. Some of the activities described are dangerous and/or illegal and none are recommended by Erowid Center.


Experience Vaults Index Full List of Substances Search Submit Report User Settings About Main Psychoactive Vaults