Citation: InvitroCannibal. "Three Years Gone: An Experience with Dextroamphetamine (exp102691)". Erowid.org. May 1, 2020. erowid.org/exp/102691
I was always ADHD. From day one. Looking back I think I would have focused more on treating my Depression than my ADHD.
Looking back I think I would have focused more on treating my Depression than my ADHD.
When I was a child I used to 'space' a lot. I had trouble following conversations, life, everything. I wasn't slow, I played chess at 6 and was quite good at it. However there was little that caught my interest. When it did catch my interest, like Science or History, I would engulf my entire being into it. I would read non stop on the subject working ahead in my textbooks, finding whatever information was available to me. I suppose that's my gift and my curse.
I always tell people that a strength never exists without a weakness and visa versa. An example for me would be my hyperfocus. Though it's a strength it also inhibits me from changing to something else. Perhaps more important. I found though, that the more ADHD I was, the more depressed I was. The more depressed I was, the more ADHD I was.
I searched for a 'cure' for my ADHD at 16. Trying everything I could. I eventually tried Adderall and I never knew the world could be like that. I saw everything in detail, I felt my introverted engagement was now extroverted. I was fearless, focused, but not necessarily more intelligent.
Eventually, like all good things, it came to an end. I decided that I the tolerance that occurred within a month of Adderall use was not worth it. I then moved onto supplements, exercise, nutrition, willpower, whatever I could find. But it wasn't enough. Nothing really worked well enough. I felt like a hamster on a wheel, I may run harder, try harder but the results are all the same.
Finally, I decided after many years of accomplishing nothing, to try ADHD meds once again. I was just starting college again. I was afraid to say the least. I saw a physicians assistant for a psychiatrist rather than a psychiatrist. I suppose cost was a factor there. She was nice but seemed to know nothing about the medications. She handed them out like candy though which was a bit disturbing.
I was 22 then, I noticed improvement the first month, but of course, like last time, it came to an end. Tolerance has always been my enemy. I am what they call a rapid metabolizer. I also receive the paradoxical effects of stimulants. I worked my way up to 80mgs of dextro amphetamine a day, taken four times daily. I used the last dose to sleep.
It calmed me down significantly at first. Compared to Adderall it had a very nice calming effect which allowed my brain to quiet down. It was like turning hell into a paradise. Eventually, it turned to Anxiety, something I hadn't ever really felt before. Sure I had depression, I had ADHD, but not anxiety. I actually seemed to have a hard time processing fear at all.
Some people say, the meds are supposed to cause anxiety in ADHD people so that they feel motivated. I found it to do the opposite. I wanted to hide, I wanted to hyperfocus on everything that was not important.
I wanted to hyperfocus on everything that was not important.
One year went by and I failed nearly every class. 2 years went by and I failed more classes. 3 years and I was expelled from the university. I switched schools, I moved, I was just running from myself.
In life, I make choices that lead to mistakes, the sad part is that I make the same choices over and over and therefore the same mistakes without ever realizing that the choice is connected to the mistake. I believe this is what addiction is. I don't see my life spiraling out of control until it's too late. I blame everything and everyone, I am foolishly optimistic and too scared to change my choices.
I am now 25, and my family summed it up well, that I am a failure, a dissapointment, and an irresponsible human being. I will live on, and keep trying, running on my wheel, I guess I am no longer afraid anymore. Of failure, of life and of pain.
I continue to take my medications but I know I'll need to stop soon. I am titrating down rather than cold turkey. It's a hard thing because when I take these meds, I lose reality. I then feel reality creep in as I slowly stop taking them. All the horrible choices I made during that dream state I was in come crashing down on me. I wake up and realize 3 years of my life are gone, I was stuck, and sleeping.
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