Citation: Xorkoth. "Cosmic Singularity: An Experience with Methoxetamine & Cannabis (exp102742)". Erowid.org. Mar 2, 2014. erowid.org/exp/102742
Methoxetamine. When you refer to MXE by its full name, it becomes evident it is a cousin to ketamine, which seems to have attained an image as the archetypal dissociative. Most of the time you read about its lighter effects, but this report will serve to assure that even at normal dosage ranges one can experience a journey every bit as profound and extreme as with ketamine.
Allow me to paint the scene. I am at home by myself, having had within the past two weeks a powerful experience on MXE, and several low-dose experiences that were pleasant. About 4 weeks ago, my wife went to temporarily live with her mother and we decided to get a divorce. I am just beginning to adjust at last to being single at thirty years old, living alone for the first time and being, for the first time in twelve years, not with the person I had decided to be with forever. The circumstances are truly bizarre as well, she has fallen off her rocker for lack of a better phrase, and is barely functioning in the world. And shortly before she left she had told one of my close friends that she had feelings for him. Suffice it to say that I have a lot of mixed emotions about the entire thing and nearly every other aspect of my life. I describe this to illustrate the state of mind I was in going in to the experience, and to give purpose to my desire for the deeply introspective headspace I had discovered during my previous powerful trip.
It's about 11:00pm when I finally decide to give it a go. I have a small quantity left from a larger bag I had used up aside from this dose, and no working milligram scale to measure it, so going by previous sight comparisons I estimate that I have 60mg. [Erowid Note:
Two samples of powder (even of the same chemical) with equivalent volumes won't necessarily weigh the same. For this reason, eyeballing is an inaccurate and potentially dangerous method of measuring, particularly for substances that are active in very small amounts.
See this article on The Importance of Measured Doses.]
I had been debating whether to just eat it, or to plug it, that is, ingest it rectally. At last, my eyes tired from rapid-fire reading about the topic of MXE dosages, I decide to eat half of it and plug the other half. But I accidentally end up eating about two thirds of it, so I'll estimate my dosage between at 40mg, orally. I swish it around my mouth and gums for maybe 15 seconds and then swallow, and follow it with water. I ate a few hours ago and can still feel food in my stomach, but previous trials with lower dosages have shown me that food doesn't affect the absorption too much, for me at least.
At this point I go upstairs to get in bed, bringing along Shpongle's 'Nothing Lasts... But Nothing Is Lost' album, some great enveloping headphones, my water, a small pipe with a hit of quality nuggets in it, and my laptop. I get in bed and start watching Family Guy while I wait for it to come up. I am thinking it will probably be around T+0:30 when I plug the remaining third. As I wait, I relatively quickly begin to notice faint alerts, probably five minutes in, a feeling that things are off somehow, and a light tingle in the center of my body. This feeling grows, and pretty soon the show begins to seem very odd and a bit disjointed, and forced, as if it was a badly acted play. At about T+0:40, I finally realize I'm pretty high, and I get up to go downstairs and plug the remaining dissociative crystals I have in my gel cap. Walking down the stairs is odd, I feel much less of a connection between my legs and my conscious brain control, and I feel that I need to rely on muscle memory to achieve locomotion.
It's T+0:45, and I have just finished plugging about 20 milligrams. I wash my hands and wobble back upstairs, get in bed, and plug in my headphones. Suddenly a bit nervous, I insert the disc, and already the process of working my computer is difficult to achieve, both because my vision is lagging powerfully and because the very concept seems bizarre. Mission accomplished; my headphones are on my ears, the CD is beginning, and all I have left to do is reach over there and take a big hit off my pipe. Lay back, and let's see what happens...
...At first, not much. Shpongle begins to emit its organic vibrations, the CD starts out slow for the first minutes. Behind my eyes, I see only dark redness, blackness coated in soft incandescent closet light and nothing else. I do not feel any sense of movement, no sliding, no stretching, no bending, no patterns. A couple of minutes go by with little development... and then as the music moves closer to breaking into a more kinetic beat, I think I begin to sense movement around the edges. I feel my bed tilt slightly down, then right. It becomes apparent that behind the scenes, something is happening. Then at once, the music emerges into an expansive and urgent beat. The square of velvet darkness tilts, becomes a diamond, and begins to slide down the way my bed is tilting, its presence and a mass I am suddenly aware is tremendous making its tilt grow until I become vertical and slide down into something beneath the receding cover plate within my mind.
As I fall, I begin to realize that the shapes I am seeing are in actuality the music itself, and before I fall far the music reaches me and I merge into the side of its shape. The shape of the music is massive, and I continue to fall but now I am falling along the outline of the dimensional presence of the music. The more I fall, the more twists and turns and ridges and bumps the music reveals to me, and the greater structure of it comes into view, each part I have touched remaining visible and the whole picture zooming out to always contain the entire arc I had traversed. I begin to realize the titanic and awesome presence of the music, and I repeatedly marvel at what a genius the person behind Shpongle is, and how it seems to me to be made specifically for this experience right now.
As I get to a certain hugeness with the current musical shape, it begins to overwhelm me with its scale. I suddenly become aware that I can't detect my own presence anymore, as I am too insignificantly small next to the galactic structure of the music I have been experiencing beyond sensory input. As I experience this, the album suddenly begins a stationary, cosmic resting place in the ferociously progressive beat, and in its glorious, pure white rays I realize that in fact I AM the musical shape, in its entirety, who had just been stuck focused to a particular point. As I contemplate this, the beat begins to flow again, moving downward to a darker place. I begin to descend toward the surface of my ethereal music-body, and descend into its structure. What appeared to be a smooth surface was in fact an infinite expanse of ever-smaller geometries. I enter one and it too is the same music, in a separate form that was also connected to every other structure and the super-structure.
As I descend through a multitude of designs, the music begins to crackle and pop, notes begin to repeat, sections begin to replay, mix, sift, and form new structures. My velocity accelerates as the music begins to sound completely different, more repetitive, more ferocious, all-encompassing. I begin to sink to such a minute level that there begins to be space between the different writhing musical shapes, and as I descend further a few of them are all that remain, appearing as a mountainous horizon around a ground that descends, spiraling, down into obscurity. And even smaller still, down a slippery spiral that has no bottom, down into the earth on the tide of a rhythm of equivalently spaced bursts of sound, the initial burst of the last note I can recall hearing clearly from the music. The precise frequency of these notes seems to trigger a reaction in my mind, a burgeoning awareness of something nearly forgotten. The tempo of this droning rhythm, now clearly different from what it sounds like normally, increases along with the rate of my spinning descent. It's almost as if the same exact moment of the music is repeating endless, rapidly, so rapidly my mind cannot fathom it. And then the spiral begins to decompose into its individual pieces, which are straight lines of such tiny length and width that each appears part of a smooth spiral structure, but which if seen magnified enough, are revealed to be straight paths of moderate length. My essence becomes attached to the top of one, and I follow its path as I slide ever downward, the entire line curling into a convex arc as the weight of my presence bends it. As I get to the end of it, I am in two places at once as I also begin sliding down the top of the next line down on the chain. That line emerges as a tangent line from the arc formed by the previous line, and I follow this downward, slower and slower. As this is happening, I am becoming more and more aware that I have been here before, this is the eternal moment, the core of existence, the processing loop of the multiverse experiencing itself as a processing loop. I remember that I am the universe, and it is a rare moment where I shed the experience of any one of the miasma of life forms in the universe that is experiencing itself through the limited window of itself, and I experience only the core essence of awareness, the place in which only I exist as the presence bringing life and consciousness into every living thing, existing in a timeless, dimensionless, isolated moment of inhalation.
As the last vestiges of my Xorkoth mind reel with the impact of the reality of the experience I was having, the beat and motion suddenly stop entirely and I become utterly still. A searingly beautiful tone of crystalline purity and heavenly intonation suffuses my existence and bursts through my astral form, and a wave of sublime warmth and peace fills it, fills the human-shaped astral form I am attached to somewhere under the position of my awareness, but which I can feel fully. My limbs become utterly limp and an intense wave of pleasure rolls across the whole form, and the place I normally feel my heart in relative to the perceived position of my awareness, through my eyes, begins to radiate a stable waveform of love, so wide as to appear as a straight line but so massive as a result that its power overwhelms me and I exist only as bliss, for eternity. The scope of my awareness is so gargantuan that I dimly realize in the last parts of my humanity that are unshed that I have never been so far away from the life-dream before, that I could decide not to go back if I wanted, that here is where I am for eternity, because this IS eternity, I have more than touched it, I have returned to it. Perhaps my body has died. This is the real thing, everything else is just a massively complex dance of geometries aware only of itself in the grand structure of our being.
At this point, this point lasts forever. A singularity occurs and it becomes everything.
...But then, I become aware again, aware in the way I 'usually' am. I become aware of the concept of 'usually' as it is when I am subject to the slow drifting of time and inexorably locked into its malleable but steadfast confines. I realize there is a pressure down there somewhere, and after a moment I realize it's the need to pee. I also realize that the music has stopped, the headphones are off and set somewhat far away from me, and that my vision is taking a good half second or so to catch up as I first realize what and where my head is, and then turn it toward the exit to the room. Next thing I know, I am standing, I can tell because the room turns sideways and I shift up. Or wait, the room WAS sideways, and now it's righted. Total lack of feeling accompanies the movement of my legs as I carry my awareness over, through the door, to the top of the stairs. Okay, stairs... I suppose I should take care in this scenario. I am actually surprised as my numb body carries me slowly and deliberately but, dare I say, elegantly down the steps, pure muscle memory wired into my physical brain supplying the robotic intelligence necessary, as before, for locomotion. As I descend to the bottom step, and pass through the archway into the downstairs floor, it feels as if I have popped through a bubble membrane into a different world. I walk the rest of the way to the bathroom and do what is sometimes necessary for all living creatures, liquid waste elimination.
The walk back upstairs goes much as the walk down, but I can feel my legs ever so slightly this time. As I float back into the bed, I consider my next move. I am back into my body enough to be away from the singularity, and my mind is reeling at the awesome truth of the experience I just had. In fact it is literally reeling as well, I am having a hard time telling what I care to do besides lay here in comfort, as the blissful calm heavy feeling is still buzzing in my flesh. I briefly consider putting on another album but a combination of factors results in this idea never materializing. Instead, I turn on an episode of Family Guy on Hulu so it will keep automatically going to another episode. The show barely keeps my attention, and as before, it seems forced and awkward, like a badly written play. But this time, the play is even worse. I am mostly just splayed out and reeling. I am still partway there; there is a sense of an endlessly repeating frequency just under the level of audible sound. I am tired, yet there is no way I can sleep because my head is floating and I am relentlessly aware. I lay there watching episodes halfheartedly, basking in the physical comfort provided by my situation, until about 6am, when I finally drift off to true slumber, and my consciousness continues, as always, to exist within the singularity, that eternal moment at the core of all life.
* * * * *
The next morning I got up to work (I work at home) at about 9. I wasn't tired but I was still off balance. I operated at an average level for the rest of the day, and my vision was a bit laggy until 1am.
I was shocked by the awesome significance and power of my experience. It is definitely one of the most intense, extreme psychedelic states I have ever been to. I have never managed to have such a complete, 'hole' style dissociative experience on ketamine or anything else. The dissociative state can be extremely profound, and extremely impossible to describe. The words I have communicated are a shadow of the experience, the true experience could never be communicated through words. Nevertheless, I've given it a try.
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