Citation: bluestorm50. "An Attempt at Non-Duality: An Experience with DMT (exp102933)". Erowid.org. Apr 21, 2021. erowid.org/exp/102933
Why did I do it?
I wanted to find answers. I was looking for the meaning of life. I wanted to 'Go deep.' I wanted to find contact with the divine feminine. I had an idealistic streak in me, and I followed it to its peak of inspiration/insanity.
My hands shook as I handled the box that contained my sacred spice. My stomach was churning as I opened it. I had done this substance in smaller doses a few times before, and I knew full well where I would be 'going' with its ingestion at higher amount. And yet, I was fully convinced that despite my previous reactions, that somehow a larger dose would be necessary. I needed to break through, and break through I did.
Have you ever done something where you knew you crossed the line? This was like that, only projected out into infinity. I seemed to recall and experience dying simultaneously into infinity. Words cannot describe this state that I was in.
Needless to say, I freaked out. I could go into detail about different personifications of the wrath I expired that evening, but those I feel are not the important part. It was the feeling of infinite death that left a huge rift in my psyche.
It was the feeling of infinite death that left a huge rift in my psyche.
Thankfully(?), the evening didn’t have such a bad conclusion. The drug left its permanent mark by wrenching open something in my head that I had “forgotten about.” It was the good side of death. White lights, the whole shebang. Very strong and seemingly pure joy arose, as did peaceful and colorful visions.
I spent the next three years trying to cope with what I had seen. Every action was colored by my fear/desire for the states I had experienced. OCD symptoms, which had previously been manageable, spiraled out of control into full time “dark night” episodes. I lost my job, my girlfriend, and moved into the house with my parents. I would be hospitalized four times for psychosis.
Why did I write this?
I write this A) Because I want people to know what a powerful drug DMT really is. B) Because I have been chasing my experience ever since it occurred and am trying to move into a better alignment with reality.
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