Citation: Goddess Mode. "Dominance and Submission: An Experience with LSD & Salvia divinorum (extract) (exp103269)". Erowid.org. Apr 19, 2020. erowid.org/exp/103269
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For this trip I dosed at 11:00 PM (T+0:00) on the night of April 18th, so that I would start really tripping exactly at the start of Bicycle Day, and this would be my celebration for it since I wouldn't really have another chance to really have one. I was thinking about taking fourteen hits for 2014, but I decided to start with an initial dose of seven to see how I would feel after it started kicking in. Since I've always been breaking up my large doses with this LSD, this was actually the most of it I'd taken at one time so far. At first I felt like it was a little bit of a rough comeup, but then I realized that I still had this mindset from when I was getting panic attacks and the like from psychedelics
it was a little bit of a rough comeup, but then I realized that I still had this mindset from when I was getting panic attacks and the like from psychedelics
(and other drugs) that I might still need to monitor a drug's effect to avoid that sort of situation, but I already knew that this was real LSD and there's truly no reason to worry. At that moment all of my past psychosomatic symptoms cleared entirely, and I was filled with a powerful euphoria. I would even go so far as to describe it as ecstasy; it was an intensely freeing and spiritual feeling....
At T+0:45 I decided to take another of the four hits that I had cut out. I felt it kicking in over the next half an hour or so, along with the first dose really reaching a full effect, and at T+1:15 I took the last three hits I had prepared for my total of fourteen. With the second and third comeups, there was no sort of anxiety at all, and there was never any sort of increasing feeling that I wouldn't be able to handle what was coming or that it would be anything but I smooth. I remember thinking that it kind of just felt like drinking water and hallucinating harder from it, it felt so benign on my body and mind in every way.
The comeup of LSD tends to be very inwardly focused and psychological for me, so even though there often are powerful visuals growing, I don't often pay attention to them enough to really have that concrete of a memory of the first phase of the trip, if I'm alone anyway. Of course, the higher I dose, the harder it gets to remember all the random little things I thought about. What I do know is that like usual with my high dose trips, my thoughts started to pick up very, very quickly. My mind was racing in a way comparable to a synthetic cannabinoid trip, but not as frantic as those tend to feel for me, but rather LSD feels more just like being deliriously excited. I was also smoking weed pretty frequently throughout this, just to add to it all.
What I *do* remember about the beginning of the experience is that I had basically entered a state that I would describe as lucid dreaming while awake, or a level of consciousness at which my imagination was seamlessly blending into reality around me without preventing me from being able to interact with what was actually there whenever I needed to. There was no point at which I felt as if I was not lucid enough to do that if I wanted to, but the hallucinations I was seeing were very powerfully integrated into my surroundings. As usual on high doses of LSD, I was starting to see furniture transforming into and other furniture and surfaces being covered in vivid and often three-dimensional perceptions of people in the room with me, and also as I always experience with LSD the images given to these people were reflections of how I felt at the time, which in this case made them all females who were representative of many (both regular and psychedelic) sexual aspects of my personality both in relation to what I find attraction in women and what sorts of desires I have for myself. Because of how all of this was blended into the room I was in, which was usually my bedroom, I felt very much like I was inside some sort of virtual reality room of my mind.
It didn't take me long to decide that this was the best LSD trip I had ever had. I felt so relieved of all stresses and anxieties after everything that had been happening in my life lately, and now this experience was really just incredible. I had the sudden desire to try to get the most out of this trip that I possibly could, and so I reached over to the side of my bed and grabbed the rest of my salvia extract; there was still enough for about a bowl left after my last experience using it with LSD, one which had ended with the salvia giving me a message about what would happen if I took this any further.... I actually have an interesting sort of relationship with salvia that I don't often meet people who say they can agree with me on, but I can definitely notice it in my experiences. I find salvia to be in many ways like the antithesis of LSD. I say this because many things about their trips for me are more similar to each other than just about anything else I've tried - their general visual style and many of the more complex motifs, the way their entity perceptions are formed, the way that they both feel to me to touch a more primal aspect of myself more deeply than other hallucinogens do.... The difference however is that LSD is a substance for me which causes intense control and the trip often bends to my will without me even having to put it in any effort, while salvia is more like an intense lack of control where I am completely subject to the will of the trip. In this way, I tend to relate them most directly as my dominance and submission drugs....
All psychedelic experiences, in which I include salvia, have a very sexual feeling to me in one way or another, and the LSD trip always tends to feel like it allows me to enjoy a very dominant energy whereas the salvia trip just attempts to force me into submission, which can also be very satisfying especially upon reintegration into reality. The trip that I was experiencing on these fourteen hits of LSD so far was to me proving to be the most powerful kind of dominance trip I had ever had, the first one where I was ever able to utterly and completely let go into it without fear and let the electricity flow through me. And now, it would seem, it was time for me to experience total submission as well.
I loaded the full bowl of salvia extract, probably the last of this fascinating plant I would be able to obtain for a while. I figured that this would be as good a time as any to enjoy it. I ended up taking two or three big hits until the bowl was cashed, and then I leaned back and closed my eyes to just let it hit. Another way that salvia is comparable to LSD for me is how much it has a reverse tolerance.... In my second to last salvia trip, during a recent LSD experience, I had had to let go of fear of the unknown to the point of knowing that I wouldn't be able to monitor my own bodily state, but the emotional impact that this had on me was more like taking a risk, in the way that thinking 'I'm not sure if I'm alive or not.' would not hit me nearly as hard as 'I'm definitely dead right now.' This was made evident to me when I came down and smoked it again immediately, and instead experienced on the verge of an out-of-body experience that I was certain would show me what it was like to experience my own death.
The message was very clear to me at the time: if you take this even deeper, you will experience it. Given that, this trip was really not surprising. The first thing I noticed is that I became consciously aware of some (quite possibly entirely delusional) process by which my entire exterior world as I perceived it was constantly refreshing itself in order to create the seamless stream of awareness that I experience at all times. I was again, as seems to be a common theme with me on LSD now, experiencing things on what I would call the neurological correlate of the subatomic level, and at this moment I could actually see each individual 'pixel' which composed my entire matrix of reality. These pixels all appeared to be blue hands reaching up and out; definitely a salvia contribution. The process by which my reality was refreshing was actually that every single one of the pixels would update themselves according to my sensory input literally one individual pixel at a time, but I just simply knew that this normally occured so unbelievably rapidly that it created the sensation of an image stream constantly in motion in my normal real-time consciousness.
So like I said, normally this process is always moving forward in the same direction, but at this moment it suddenly froze. When that happened I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that this was because my brain was no longer working to sustain my existence, because I was dying. I had finally fucked up, gone too far, made one too many mistakes. This realization brought me a profound feeling of despair and fear. I started thinking that there must be some way to undo this, there has to be something that can be done to make things just go back to the way they were before, back before I did this... but none came to mind. I started thinking about what my parents would think... and once I did the (perceived) gravity of the situation really began to sink in.
Suddenly, the pixel-refreshing process started up again, but in reverse; it was slowly dissolving my current perception of reality, and once that faded away I would simply be gone forever.... I felt myself start to panic, as even though I had no normal visual input, I could still feel my body pretty well. I tried to get up out of bed and feel my way to the door, but I just ended up stumbling over and crashing into the wall and falling to the floor, very thankfully not injuring myself in the process. I felt so hopeless in the physical realm, so all I had left to resort to was the metaphysical. I could attempt to 'grab' this process in the same sort of ineffable gesture by which I could hold back a normal salvia trip's hallucination (the kind of resistance one shows instead of letting go) and this would stop the dissolution for just a second or two, but then it would just resume even more quickly than it had already been going. My fear grew, and my heart was pounding so hard and fast that I thought it might explode out of my chest. It got to the point where the process was almost finished and the moment felt very 'final'. My heart sank. I had already known that there was nothing left to be done at this point, but this was the moment that I really resigned to it. There was no reason to fight it anymore. It's over, and all I can hope is that if something's waiting for me on the other side then maybe it'll be good....
At that point, everything faded to black, and there was silence. After a few moments though, an image of my room from the perspective of my body collapsed on the floor next to my bed began to fade back into existence. Everything had happened so quickly - I barely even got to think any 'final thoughts' - that even when it did it still took me a few minutes to really realize what exactly was going on. As soon as I did though, I was filled with an immense appreciation for life and thankfulness for the fact that I was still in it. I started laughing so hard that I was sobbing. All of the euphoria that I had been experiencing before with the LSD came rushing back into me in full force, but now even more enhanced by my new mindset.
The visuals, which had also reached a realism I hadn't seen before even before the salvia and included lots of vivid eyes, now started to resemble Alex Grey artwork, like astonishingly so. When the salvia had hit there had been an initial frame that entered my perception which I believe to be centered at the tips of the fingers of one of the pixel hands, and that frame was now repeating all throughout my vision in the imagery, such as all other the faces of entities who were otherwise covered in what looked like veins. These entities all appeared massive, and while some of them were staring at me directly, others I was given bird's eye views of things such as one just appearing to be towering over the ground in this transforming hyperspatial room. The frame that the salvia had contributed was also starting to peel away in all of its locations, mimicking the way the camera angle seems to spin for me around that image on the salvia, and as this frame was ordered by the mirrored set this would actually create a visual of these frames unzipping something underneath the surface where they are, something that I'm very familiar with with salvia, and this was opening up to reveal even more eyes all of the entities' bodies. From the intensity and emotion of it all, I felt as though I was watching an interacting with these cosmic titans who preside in dimensions aside from our own. There was so much more going on as well but I can't even begin to describe the complexity of it; the entire visual experience was just awe-inspiring.
The way that the trip basically felt at this point was just the lucid dreaming while awake from before but now with the dream world pushed all the way up to some sort of lucid hyperspace. I still never lost the ability to interact with reality properly, but I was hallucinating harder than ever. Various scenes would wash by me in the visuals effortlessly, and entities constantly danced through my room. They had gone from just being a few entities as they had been on the LSD alone to having a style similar to what I get on DMT, where I see a whole group of the same entity (like seeing quintuple) moving together, and the visual style have become very sharp and electric, and so sexual sometimes in ways I'd never even thought of before that I couldn't believe that my mind was generating this so effortlessly. I also just couldn't stop laughing and crying because everything about the experience was so intense and overwhelming in the most wonderful way. The body feeling I had was incredible, it was like an undending, toe-curling orgasm.
I was in pure bliss. I kept thinking to myself that the only way I could possibly describe this state of mind and overall experience would be to call it heaven on earth. And I really mean that in the sense that heaven is a very human concept.... Even in a religious context, it's meant to represent a place or state in which all of one's earthly desires are being fulfilled at once. I say this to differentiate because some psychedelics to me, especially some particular tryptamines, tend to have more of a 'meeting with the divine' kind of feeling, but while LSD does have that mystical aura to it for sure, the experience to me is very much down to earth
while LSD does have that mystical aura to it for sure, the experience to me is very much down to earth
. It allows me to explore my animal self much more than any other psychoactive I've yet to try. On that note, this trip also reminded me just how phenomenal an actual orgasm is in this mindset, on these doses of LSD. I had no one there but myself and my imagination and even still afterwards I was completely immobile and out of breath for at least a good five or ten minutes. I've yet to try anything that even *approaches* high doses of LSD in this way.
The full experience with lucid control of the hallucination actually continued for much longer than the heavy trip phase of LSD usually does for me, though I'm sure the salvia helped with that. Those kinds of integrated visions continued to exist for the next several hours, though as often happens at such doses I've forgotten many of them now. All I can say was that it never stopped being fantastic, and the body feeling continued to last far beyond the end of the trip. Until about the afternoon of the next day I was still very wired as well. The afterglow that this trip gave me was great. I felt totally released of so many stresses in life. The death experience especially was, of course, very moving to me.... I thought about it for quite some time afterward, and still do.
In some ways I don't feel as though it has actually directly helped with my general fears about death in the way that it might for some people, though I would say it did help me get started down that path... but rather, I feel that it helped to rid me of some old defense mechanisms that I developed while growing up and no longer need anymore. Before I came out and started transitioning I always had this fear that because of my risk-heavy and generally unhealthy lifestyle choices I might die before I got to live the life I always wanted and felt I deserved, and so every time I ever had a panic attack where I thought I might die (which was a lot) that was always the first thing on my mind. The fact that that didn't even cross my mind this time actually had a much more profound impact on me than giving into death itself, which to me felt more like accepting that there was no other choice rather than making peace with it.... It made me realize that I finally have reached a place where I'm happy with life, and I no longer feel like if I were to die I would be cheated out of anything, and now I've been able to simply let those feelings go.... And though it didn't quite help me overcome a death fear yet, it definitely prepped me for the experience which I now feel like I can start to work on in a healthy way for the first time after dropping my old baggaging surrounding it. It's an amazingly freeing feeling, and I'm very excited for future experiences.
Since that was the end of my salvia however, that will probably be the last time I can use it for a while. The last thing I would have to say about it is that my experiences combining LSD and salvia so far have always been intense, but in terms of powerful experiences I think it may be one of my favorites of all. A euphoric LSD trip is the perfect place to reintegrate to from the depths of salvia's madness, and it keeps all of the good aspects of the trip around for a long time afterward while integrating them into its own and still letting the most overwhelming loss of control part of salvia only stick around for its regular amount of time. The visions are always just so incredible too, I feel like LSD really helps bring out salvia's more sexual side as well, which I have seen with it alone but it's rare. But since they do have such similar motifs for me, I feel that they actually synergize in this way very well.
In the end, I would have to say that it was a pretty successful Bicycle Day celebration!
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