Citation: Goddess Mode. "Two Days of Emotional Release: An Experience with MDMA, Cannabis, Nitrous Oxide & LSD (exp103447)". Erowid.org. May 22, 2019. erowid.org/exp/103447
A close friend of mine was back in town from recently moving half way across the country in order to be the maid of honor at a wedding, to which I was invited. Another friend and I met up to head that way, where we met the first friend. This second friend was hanging out with us for the entire first night of this experience, but he was just smoking weed and enjoying watching us be crazy. For that reason, when I refer to 'my friend' here I'll mainly be talking about the maid of honor. The wedding was an old rave friend's, and it was a nice service but my friend was actually going through some drama with the bride, so we were all anxious to get out of there and enjoy her last night in town together.
Originally we were thinking about taking some LSD, but considering that she had had a stressful week and this was our last chance to see each other for a while she wasn't really in the mood to trip. There were three 100 mg MDMA pills I had at home that we had been storing for some time, so we decided to take one each; she had only ever taken half of a dose before, so this was a new experience for her. I had also gotten us a good amount of nitrous oxide to use during our experience, which was completely new to her. Based on the way this particular friend had responded to two hits of LSD in the past, I had a hunch that she might be one of the people who hallucinates to at least some degree for pretty much the entire MDMA experience, so I was thinking that it might be especially fun for her to try the nitrous on top of that. This turned out to be good intuition.
As for myself, I personally hadn't taken MDMA in I believe a couple of years now. MDMA was the first drug that I had ever decided to retire from my collection of psychoactive allies
MDMA was the first drug that I had ever decided to retire from my collection of psychoactive allies
, because I had definitely abused it a bit when I first started using it and by the time I finished with it I felt that I had gotten pretty much everything out of it that I was going to be able to, except for one thing. I loved the incredible feeling of rolling when I first started out, like most people do, but after a few months what actually started to appeal to me much more than anything was waiting until about four and a half hours after dosing and then smoking weed like my life depended on it to bring out the psychedelic properties of MDMA. I used to do this with friends all the time, and as far as hallucinations go it was actually my favorite experience for a long time. It was a very philosophical mindset as well but just not very deep or overwhelming in the way that something like LSD is, but on the other hand I actually found that its visuals were very much like LSD for me but even more delirious and dream-like, with a little less of the traditional fractals and patterns. I loved this trip so much, but I had stopped being able to enjoy it along with all other psychedelics a few years ago when I still had a lot of issues to work on, and so without the roll appealing to me much either MDMA just sort of dropped off of my radar.
This time though, it just seemed like a good time to use one of those saved capsules. Because in my previous trip I had also decided to add weed to my list of retired drugs, but that entire experience was decidedly shitty due to the massive amount of physical side effects I was getting from morning glory seeds, I thought that this might be the ultimate way to give weed a fair send-off, by mixing it with my first retired drug, which together formed what was once my favorite drug combination of all time.
We got home and dosed at 6:45 PM, our T+0:00. As we were waiting for it to kick in we lied down on this big pillow which is in our living room, and we practically didn't move for the entire experience. The roll part of this dose really wasn't the significant aspect of the experience for me, but I will cover the key points.
I was starting to feel a euphoria and empathy unlike any I had gotten from MDMA in a long time by the time I quit, but my body was definitely still used to sort of rejecting after all of the stupidly high doses and days of redosing I had done years back, some of which I definitely feel has had an impact on my mind and not necessarily always for the better. A few isolated rolls certainly would have been healing for me, but the rest was just me trying to escape reality and not really always using it in the best settings, and so the experience became sort of shallow for me. Because of my body's reaction I was a little bit anxious on and off for the more stimulating phase of the roll. That's not to say that I really felt like getting up and moving all that much, except for some dancing I did at the very beginning, but I was definitely feeling a little out in the ether and my heartbeat was getting very fast, which kind of bugs me these days. I reminded myself that I knew how MDMA affected me though, and so I did my best to ignore this and just enjoy the experience by sharing in the ecstasy that my friend was really starting to experience around T+1:00, especially after we bumped it up with a balloon of nitrous. We had a lot of fun just hanging out as usual but with the even easier connections, and as I had predicted she was actually tripping pretty decently from that one dose. It sounded like a very fun time, and so I took the opportunity to just keep the fun going for her by continuously handing her weed, nitrous, stuffed animals, blankets, pillows, fruit, and whatever else I could get my hands on while putting on lots of happy and energetic music. Basically, my usual routine when rolling with a newbie.
Whenever I would load her a balloon I would do so for myself as well, so we would do them at the same time. This was my first time combining nitrous with MDMA, and it was certainly an enjoyable ride. It still didn't appeal to me nearly as much as doing nitrous while tripping fully, but it was fun without a doubt. Every time I would do it it would calm me down a bit and lessen the body stimulation while bringing out the euphoric and more mentally psychedelic effects of the MDMA, which was definitely my favorite part about the combination during that phase of the experience. It allowed me to think about more meaningful things than I felt I would have from just MDMA and weed alone. We had started out with doing one or two chargers per balloon, but we worked our way up to a pretty steady rate of doing four at a time, until pretty much the end of the night, some time around T+4:30, quite conveniently. I loaded us each a balloon of five, and by this point my friend had started following my advice of lying on her back with her eyes closed for each balloon. I felt very refreshed after mine, and she seemed to be enjoying just getting lost in her own mind for a while so I let her do her thing while I talked to our just high companion who was playing a MMORPG on his laptop for a while. At one point around the middle of a fairly intense club song, I heard my friend start to snore; she had tranced herself into sleep. We decided to just call it a night around that time and let her rest, since as I mentioned before she had had a long day and week leading up to it. Our companion got ready to watch some Netflix in the living room while I get him sleeping utensils, and then I packed up the weed and the nitrous and headed into my bedroom for some more fun.
Since the timing had matched up so well, at first I just smoked some weed and lied in the dark to see what I could bring out particularly with the help of my usual HPPD-like clouds. These became very colorful and intricate visual static, but nothing overly impressive. I think I did a smaller balloon to help relax myself into my new setting as well, but that one really wasn't the important part for me. I had eight chargers of nitrous left, and I decided that I was going to get the most out of this that I possibly could. First I loaded myself a big bowl of weed, and then I loaded all eight chargers into my balloon. I powered through the bowl, took a deep breath and got myself nice and comfy, and started inhaling the balloon. I felt the usual sensations of coming on to a high dose of nitrous with each breath, which for me involves some very bizarre feelings of insanity accompanied by starting to forget to finish my dose, but generally I'm able to get it done with a little more effort. This one hit me particularly hard, so I don't even really remember a whole lot about it, but I know that there was some very serious ego death going on. The main feeling I remember taking back with me was that it was definitely the furthest dissociated from my self that I had ever been, something I experience basically every time I do that much nitrous. It reminded me very much of my first complete salvia ego death, but even more emotionally intense despite somehow being easier to handle. I also vaguely remember some female human imagery that was appearing, but I couldn't tell you very much about the details of it.
The real focus of this trip however came for me upon returning to my body, which is when things got really crazy. The old complete MDMA trip I hadn't experienced for so long was finally back, and with my new open mindset toward tripping I was experiencing it more strongly than I ever had before. I was getting very vivid visions of 2D grid-based SRPG-type games popping into existence and transforming and disappearing just as quickly as they appeared, all over my field of perception. I also started getting a visual of flying upwards into clouds which surrounded a bright light, and this had a very 'holy' feeling to it, a term I don't use lightly as I'm not religious. It was just a very spiritual feeling, though I wouldn't say that I actually took any significant meaning away from it. Watching it however suddenly landed me in a dream sequence that was playing out before me, the only big part of which I remember was that our just high companion from before was a part of it. These visions were admittedly sort of faint which could be expected from the fact that it was just one normal-sized dose, but they were completely realistic and well-formed in their design. This only occurred for a moment at first though, after which I realized that this was actually the strongest MDMA trip I had ever had, as no matter how delirious I had gotten from it before I had never completely slipped into a different scenario, though I had seen it happen to people before.
When I came out of that hypnagogic state the general visuals I was getting were even more enhanced, and again I felt that it was remarkably similar to the visionary state I get on LSD of human entities wandering around doing various random things, only still a little less abstract but also more complex in its dream-like nature. I used this state to continue going in and out of those other scenes, more than one of which for some reason centered around Barney from How I Met Your Mother and experiencing his sexuality, an odd little excursion into another mindset, and at least one of which (not the Barney ones, though) actually involved receiving some sort of supposed spiritual message in an incomprehensible language from an entity, which was the first time I ever experienced in my life the sort of entity contact that people report from DMT breakthroughs. However, given the nature of this experience, the message must not have been very deep as I don't really recall what it was, but it certainly gave me a nice taste of things to come in that respect. Some time after all of that, I eventually passed out for just a few hours, after which I had to get up and drive my friend to the airport. We said our goodbyes, and then I dropped off our other companion at home and headed that way myself.
I was still mentally feeling really good from the trip, but my body still felt kind of crappy from the roll, unlike how it would have been back when I first started taking MDMA when the next day I would still feel fantastic. This reassured me that having MDMA on my retired allies list is a good idea, but now for the first time I felt like I had actually completely tied up all my loose ends with it. I really have no desire to dose again on it and especially not any higher than that for multiple reasons, and as for the trip that comes with the doses I would be willing to take I felt quite satisfied. I was pretty happy with the way the night had gone. I had a few errands to run during the day, but I had initially planned for this to be a multi-day experience; back when I thought we were going to take LSD for the first night, I figured that I would stay awake all night and keep it going the next day, because I also had already made plans to trip with a coworker of mine who had come across 25C-NBOMe when trying to find LSD before and I told him that if he wanted to experience the real deal and in full force I could help him with that. After taking a few hours to get my stuff for the day done, I went to pick up some more nitrous from the head shop and then prepared our doses and went to pick up my coworker so that we could dose right away, as he would have to be home before too late at night. I had actually wanted to avoid nitrous for the next couple of trips I had now just to give myself a break on it as I've done it quite a bit this week, but I figured that since I was still going from last night and this coworker if a big fan of nitrous I could manage at least one more trip's worth. When I finally got to where my coworker was, we dosed at 4:45 PM, placing this at T+22:00 from the previous night's dose.
Most of this trip I actually spent pretty much just watching over my coworker and making sure he was still handling his trip well, just because this was going to be his strongest trip by far and he had told me he was a little bit worried about getting himself into a bad trip, but he told me he could handle a lot and I know this LSD is so clean that I figured that as long as I did all the work to make sure he had a good time it would all go smoothly, which is why we had each taken five hits. We went walking through the forest by my house for a little while before the sun started to go down, which was pretty fun. I had brought along a little bit of weed for him as well, and at the very beginning I took a couple of hits just as the admitted habit-induced weed fiend within me was still itching to make the most of my last experience with it since I was still technically sort of feeling the MDMA aftereffects as well, but I quickly found this to be pointless. My experience with it the previous night had actually been pretty fulfilling, unlike the one I had had the week before, and so now I really felt no pull to continue using it when I've gotten everything out of it that I expect to at this point in my life. From that point on I didn't smoke anymore, and I felt pretty good about it. My coworker was going out of his mind and rambling to me about all sorts of things, just usual LSD kinds of thoughts. He seemed to be going through a pretty heavy insanity-themed trip, and was laughing his head off fairly often. At some point we were both ready to do some nitrous, so we started walking back to my house.
This whole time I was happy that my coworker seemed to be having a pretty powerful experience like he wanted, but I was admittedly having a fairly difficult time myself. It has nothing to do with my coworker, whose company I was genuinely enjoying. The problem was that I didn't feel that I could be fully at ease with him, for one very significant reason: he doesn't know that I'm transgender. Work is really the only place where I haven't made that transition these days, because I had to start applying for jobs as my legal sex and I'm still working on making that final step. However, what I hadn't realized is that this was the first time I had ever tripped since coming out and starting my transition where I wasn't able to be my real self again. Wow, what a crappy feeling! I am lucky to say that I had completely forgotten how bad of a feeling this was, which I was now experiencing as if for the first time again due to the LSD, so it was very much like a flashback to my youth in that way. It was just the most uncomfortably dissociated and weird feeling I could possibly imagine, more repressed than I could put into words. It sucked, but I feel that this has given some extra motivation to make that last push as well.... I really, really don't want to have to feel like that in my life ever again. So, despite that difficulty, I would still say that some good came out of this experience for me.
Anyway, by the time we got back to my house it was getting a little bit easier on me, especially since I knew we were headed toward the nitrous. We got there and went through probably about twenty-eight chargers or so going one or two at a time, and alternating a shared balloon because for some reason I can't find my other two at the moment, even though we were using them the previous night. These balloons helped me somewhat, but they mainly showed me more of the trip which I knew would be overwhelming and sexual and just freaking brilliant as usual if I had been able to relax, but as of that moment I was really just riding out. I was genuinely enjoying the laughter though, and my coworker was getting very into it as well. He was still completely nuts of course, which wouldn't have really bothered me except for from the thought that he would need to start heading home within a couple of hours. Before we had started this I had warned him that if he wanted me to trip with him he would have to skateboard his way home, because I wouldn't be able to drive him in that state of mind. He told me he would be fine so I trusted him, but of course I was still being cautious as I felt responsible for his safety.
When it got to be about forty-five minutes before he would have to start getting ready to head out and he still couldn't even get a full regular sentence out, I gave him 2 mg of clonazepam which my friend had conveniently left with me the previous night for just such an occasion. He seemed a little paranoid that I was drugging him for a second, but I told him to trust me and that he would thank me when he sobered up a bit, because I was just looking out for him. Over the remaining time before that moment of truth came, he did become a bit more lucid and started marveling at just what he had experienced over the course of the evening, which did seem quite profound from my perspective anyway. When he was ready to head out, I had prepared for him a baggie to take which included 2 mg more of clonazepam as emergency doses to take in case he was still tripping too hard and got lost on the way home, and some weed to help him get his tripped kicked back in again once he did make it there safely. He took one more of the pills just to be extra prepared, and then I walked him down to the end of the street while talking to him about his trip and got him to a point where I could easily give him directions to go home which involved only a single step, and that had him confident enough to start heading home. Not long after he got there he texted me as well to verify that he was still perfectly fine and tripping quite nicely when he arrived, and I felt satisfied with my trip sitting duties afterward.
After he had left I really just felt exhausted from the past two days and not all that much sleep or food in me, and I just wanted to do a big fat balloon of nitrous to make the most of what was left with the trip and then get to sleep. I loaded eight chargers and then got myself comfortable in my bed in the dark, and then starting inhaling. The usual nitrous sensations were kicking in again, but this time I was actually able to bring a little bit more of it back with me than normal. I experienced this strange feeling that I get every time I start to go out-of-body on nitrous but which I couldn't really quite recall until now, where it feels as though everything I do, no matter what it is, follows a totally predictable and inescapable stereotyped pattern. I definitely feel like there are some pieces missing to this puzzle which would cause this to make a lot more sense than it does currently, but I can't promise that those pieces actually even exist at all. Basically though, what I can say is that every sound or movement I make echoes within my perception, and with each echo this is taken as 'proof' that the pattern I'm sensing is indeed undeniable and all-encompassing.
with each echo this is taken as 'proof' that the pattern I'm sensing is indeed undeniable and all-encompassing.
This is always taken with the emotional intensity of some sort of life-changing realization, like some totally earth-shattering moment of my life, and what I remember is that the further out it goes, the more it somehow relates to my death. I experienced something which I actually remember from almost every nitrous experience now but which I never could have recalled until now, and something which I actually felt when I experienced my own death on the combination of LSD and salvia on Bicycle Day: I was in a spinning realm which had always existed and always would exist both before and after my run in this life, and which was totally indifferent to me but which paradoxically somehow was also something that my frame of reference was experiencing. Like I did on the salvia, I interpreted this as simply the form of consciousness which would exist after death. I don't particularly take these things seriously once I come down, but it certainly felt incredibly profound to me in the moment.
After I returned to mainly just the LSD state, I started sending texts to X about things that I was thinking about at the time. I wanted to fall asleep like I had originally planned at first, but this was definitely not an option, especially considering that I had just stopped smoking weed. The first of these thoughts was that, at least for the time being, I think I'm done tripping with anyone who I don't consider to be 'family'. Basically, X, my few closest friends in the world, and my actual family. After the experience I had had during the day, I had decided that I never again wanted to experience a trip where I couldn't be completely and utterly open about who I am and just totally at ease, and since tripping is such an intimate thing for me, the only way for me to do that is to trip exclusively with people who I truly care about and can feel that comfortable opening up around. The one exception would that I would be willing to trip with other people if X was also there tripping with us as well, as with her around I would feel totally at peace in any case.
The second of my thoughts was based on the first one, and revolved around me realizing that the way I find friends who I can truly consider to be family is actually reflective of the same sort of like that X and I had talked about wanting in having a polyamorous relationship and building up a family in that sense who we could be that open with, and that even though these friends of mine are not people who I started connecting with with the idea in mind of going about it in a romantic or sexual way like I would with that, the amount of love and empathy and desire to see all their wishes and dreams fulfilled that I have for them is exactly the same as it would be in those cases as well. I knew this already about the love, but thinking about it in this context really made me feel as though I'm truly moving toward the right kind of future that I was made for.
The last of these thoughts was that there is so much immense suffering and tragedy in this life, and in the big picture of things all of humanity is just a blip. I thought to myself that thinking about the first humans to ever exist is not nearly as trippy to me as thinking about those poor, poor bastards who will inevitably be the last humans to ever live and who will undoubtedly face greater difficulties in life than anyone alive today (at least, I hope) will ever have to experience. Given this incredible pain of our existence, all of the trivialities of this life just seemed unimportant to me. The truth is, my life is fucking awesome. We are living in a modern age of exponentially growing technology, forward thinking, understanding and exploration of the mind, and the freedom to simply reach and out and take from this world whatever we are truly motivated to strive for. We are truly some of the luckiest living beings who will ever exist in this reality.
This thought process was incredibly important to me, because lately I have had some issues with holding negative feelings toward people who have hurt me, and X and I had been talking about myself learning how to forgive people more than I currently felt able to. I always say forgiveness as a way to reconcile with those who had hurt me, but now I was seeing what X had said to me about forgiveness truly setting free the forgiver more than the forgiven; what's actually important about it is accepting that everyone in this life is simply doing whatever they can to achieve the best possibly lives for themselves, and it would be entirely unfair to ever expect any more of someone than that. With this in mind, even if relationships change over time, I now felt able to let those feelings go and not hold such things against people forever. After all, they're not doing anything different by just living this life than I am, and with so much inevitable suffering over the course of humanity, if we can't learn to live with each other in peace and just let things be even when we are living in what is to me without a doubt a golden age of consciousness, then there's really no point in living at all. Given that life is a constant uphill battle, and there must always be adversity in order to find motivation to live, I can't just promise that my mind will be permanently more opened now, but I did feel as though these thoughts would be an important step down the road of me existence.
A couple of hours after that, I was finally tired enough to fall asleep, and stayed that way for just a few hours. After that I got up, paced around, and then started writing this trip report, so that's about where the experience ends for now. Despite everything, I'm very pleased that I took the LSD on the second day; in the end it helped me a lot, and after my last three experiences including DXM, morning glories, and MDMA, I felt extremely refreshed feeling a trip that was totally and utterly benign on my body even when it was emotionally uncomfortable. This is also made me feel that I am still doing the right thing by trying to find only the psychedelic allies which go best with my body and brain chemistry, and due to a very fortunate circumstance which happened on this second day, soon I should be able to start exploring some more tryptamine friends as well. The future is looking brighter than ever for me!
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