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Don't You Dare Die on Me
5-MeO-DMT
by Antibody
Citation:   Antibody. "Don't You Dare Die on Me: An Experience with 5-MeO-DMT (exp103843)". Erowid.org. Jan 31, 2016. erowid.org/exp/103843

 
DOSE:
16 mg insufflated 5-MeO-DMT (powder / crystals)

BODY WEIGHT: 165 lb


Iíve had 4 experiences with 5-MeO-DMT, two of the first three resulted in a bliss I had previously thought unattainable, they were also accompanied by the most incredible sensation of mind expansion and ego loss. The insights I gained were so staggering that upon return baseline, my mind was left with only the memory of omniscient knowledge, but not the knowledge itself. Almost as though my human brain was a container insufficient for the knowledge I had been exposed to briefly.

What I wanted to share was my fourth experience. Iíll be the first to admit that my use of this and other potent psychedelics had become reckless in the past year or so. I had returned from a four-day outdoor psytrance festival, where I had existed in a psychedelic haze of LSD, 2-CB, 25C NBOME, mushrooms, DMT, DPT, Ketamine and MDMA. At the time of dosing I had had less than 8 hours sleep over the previous 96-hour period.
At the time of dosing I had had less than 8 hours sleep over the previous 96-hour period.


My girlfriend came over to visit the night I returned from the festival and we had done 2 hits of MDMA and a few bumps of ketamine. I had wanted to share the 5-MeO-DMT experience with her for a while. It was about 3am when I weighed out a 10mg dose for her and a 16mg dose for myself. She snorted her line first. I snorted mine and followed her to the bedroom, where we lie down to wait for it to kick in.

She began to writhe in ecstasy, and I began to feel an intense full body orgasm, we began to hold and caress one another, somehow our clothes ended up coming off. Along the way I spin off into the most intense state of ecstasy that I have ever experienced. There are no words that describe what I experienced, other than to say it was an awakening of my true self, the realization of the underlying unity of all that exists. I became eternity, except that I was no longer me.

The next thing I know my girlfriend is telling me to breath, to come back, she is forcing me out of bed, to stand, telling me I need to get some fresh air. Afterwards she told me that I had had a seizure, and that my muscles had seized up completely, I had turned completely white and had stopped breathing. She had had to put her fingers down my throat to open my esophagus, and then gave me mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. She said that I was telling her that I loved her, saying I love you, I love you, I love you, over and over again, but that it was as though I was caught in a loop, and that I began to recede as I was saying it until finally I had disappeared, and the seizure began.

Yet I was not unconscious. My consciousness throughout this experience was seamless, I was simply no longer in my body. I had died. I was somehow aware that I had died, but having experienced the other side, it simply did not matter. Death was bliss unimaginable and beyond words. But as I reentered my body, I was explaining this to her. She got me out of bed saying I needed to move around, get some air. We made it to the kitchen downstairs, and I was explaining how irrelevant life is, how earlier I had been feeling sad to see my pet dog getting older, closer to death, but with my new found insight, I explained how ridiculous it was to feel sad about death, that death was the gateway to nirvana, and how we should rejoice in death, and that I no longer feared death, and that all that was, was love, and infinite, never ending, all encompassing love. I wanted to take her with me, too. We were one. I began to tell her that I loved her. She later told me that I had begun to fade away again, she was telling me to breathe, donít stop breathing, donít you dare FUCKING DIE ON ME!

She took me outside to get some air, but on the dock I had another seizure. From my perspective I was spinning off into eternity again. She is screaming, DON'T YOU DARE! DON'T YOU FUCKING DIE ON ME! She is slapping me in the face, scratching me, anything she can do to keep me in my body. She is bringing me inside the house again, and she is mad, so mad, telling me ďReality sets in. Never againĒ over and over, she is so angry with me, I begin to believe that she is going to leave me, the whole sugar coating on this trip has fallen off. That the karma of the beautiful experience I just had is the nightmare of her walking out on me. She is taking me upstairs again to lie down, at the top of the stairs I have another seizure, and she is slapping me in the face, screaming hysterically, scratching screaming. My beautiful trip has turned into the worst nightmare ever.
My beautiful trip has turned into the worst nightmare ever.
All of a sudden, it's like my denial is torn away, and I see myself in a very ugly light, what a fool I had been to live the life I was living, and now I am to pay the price. I am locked into a loop for the rest of eternity as the price to pay. I will suffer the nightmare of her resuscitating me for the rest of time. It's no longer beautiful. I am lost in purgatory and there is no exit, as this pattern repeats itself over and over and over again. My biggest regret is what I have done to my daughter, that she will have to live with the stigma of having a father who died of a drug overdose. Iím not afraid to be dead, but dear god, not like this Ö not dead of a drug overdose, fuck Ö

Somehow she has brought me to the front door and we are about to go out on the porch for some air, when she says there is a car in the parking lot, itís the police. We are both completely naked. We go back inside the house and close the door, running upstairs, trying to find clothes to put on, but weíre both so messed up it is impossible to get clothes on. I see my life go before my eyes, as I realize that this is the end. Everyone will find out, my family will know, the neighbours will know, the world will know. My life is over. Somehow I get a pair of jeans on, she is wrapped in a bed sheet and follows me downstairs. There are drugs all over the place, scales, baggies, vials. What a mess.

With resignation, I open the door to face the police. At this point I did not realize that my girlfriend had been screaming, as I had been out of body at the times she had been screaming. So when the police officer said they were responding to a complaint from a neighbor about screaming, I assumed that the screaming must have been from me while I was out of my body. The police want to come in because the bugs are soo bad outside and I think they were suspicious. Inside my mind is racing and I cook up a story about having gone off my meds and that I must have just had a psychotic episode, none of which I can remember. My girlfriend picks up on this and we tag team bullshit our way through this. They are asking for details about my condition, but I am being very vague, and my girlfriend is telling the cops that I need an ambulance, they call one.

I ask the cop what the complaint was, and he said that a neighbor had reported a domestic dispute. Boy did I feel relieved. I thought it was plain as day what had happened, but not to them apparently. They did notice a bag of weed on my coffee table and told me they had to flush it down the toilet. I thanked them for their discretion. It is now 5am. This episode took place over a two-hour period. Walking back from the hospital we piece together what happened.

I walk away from this experience with one immeasurable gift. I now know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I AM ETERNITY. There is no question of it in my mind of it. I have had the proverbial spiritual awakening. I have been walking around in a state of bliss for days now, weeping tears of joy and gratitude. I see the beauty in everything. It is clear to me that I am not dead because the universe has plans for me. I will fix myself and become an example of how to fight addiction.
It is clear to me that I am not dead because the universe has plans for me. I will fix myself and become an example of how to fight addiction.
I will teach people how to attain the state of bliss that I experience, without the use of drugs. I will polish myself so bright that I will become a light that you can see all over the world.

We are getting married, going to Narcotics Anonymous, the world is our oyster, the future is OURS, and we are one Ö for all eternity. May you be so fortunate as to experience the light. God bless.

P.S. I am not religious, I use the word God to denote the universe and all that is and ever will be. Wow, it just keeps getting better. I have given away all my drugs, paraphernalia and lab equipment. My compulsion to use has been lifted. I am finally free (tears of joy Ö).

Exp Year: 2014ExpID: 103843
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: 50 
Published: Jan 31, 2016Views: 7,153
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5-MeO-DMT (58) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Relationships (44), Mystical Experiences (9), Health Problems (27)

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