Citation: QuietBickle. "Candy-Flip Psychotherapy: An Experience with LSD & MDMA (exp103902)". Erowid.org. Sep 28, 2018. erowid.org/exp/103902
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I utilize Yoga and Meditation as long-term practice in life.
Some background: I’m a 23-year-old Atheist male, and was diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder at the age of 16. After an inpatient hospital stay, several months of psychotherapy, and an experimental regimen of mood stabilizing pharmaceuticals (Risperdal, Depakote and Trazodone), I was deemed 'okay' and allowed to stop taking my prescriptions. The medications made me feel defective, sick, or like something were wrong with me. I took a pill daily when I woke up, which made me feel dependent on the pill and I thought, 'I’ll always have to take this dumb pill every day.” The side effects were immensely displeasing, and I didn’t like that dependent feeling at all. In turn, I made up my mind to say the 'right,' things, while genuinely using the psychotherapy sessions to help me as best I could. I needed to get the green light off that prescribed garbage. I was soon weaned off the Depakote (the main pill I took daily).
Meanwhile, I always had a keen interest in exploring the realm of consciousness on my own, under my own terms, in my own set and setting. So, after finding a Pure Source, I took to psychedelic drugs for healing, and I experienced spiritual awakening along the way. “Awakening” is a term/concept I wrestle with because it feels disingenuous to suggest that I have a better understanding of how things are than the 'average,' person. However, “Awakening,” is a pretty solid description of my psychedelic experiences, so I suppose I claim it, still with a healthy dose of skepticism.
“Awakening,” is a pretty solid description of my psychedelic experiences, so I suppose I claim it, still with a healthy dose of skepticism.
This story is the most beneficial psychedelic trip I've had (so far).
I’m a History Major in college because history and social studies are basically the only academic pursuits that really “click' with me. I enjoy learning the history of how things came to be. I feel the study of history is the only true way to understand one’s current position and how one gets there. I enjoy philosophy as well and wish to pursue that field of study further.
For many years I confidently claimed Atheism, but I have recently taken significant interest in Hinduism. Taking Humanities in college introduced me to The Bhagavad Gita. I am currently reading a small paperback copy of The Gita, which was passed onto me through a series of events that could only be explained by the ever-giving and wonderful loving Karma of the Universe. I wouldn't have purchased this book (Remember: Staunch Atheist), but it was given to me by a Rasta-Man while I was on a journey…so obviously I have to read thru it, lol. I’m on Chapter 4 (Transcendental Knowledge).
Okay, enough exposition, onto the CandyFlip. As of this writing, the Trip was approx. 1 year ago. I originally planned to watch the movie Inception, but I ended up staying in my room instead. I smoked some weed to enhance the experience. I dropped LSD first (one tab blotter with dolphins printed on it) and at two hours in, I dosed 175 mg of MDMA.
The come-up on acid was pretty intense, as it usually is for me. First, I noticed my laptop was kind of swirling around in front of me. Both the image on screen was swirling, and also the laptop itself. It’s a familiar thing I look for when I’m about to blast off. The swirly laptop began about 15-20 minutes after placing blotter under my tongue. I swallowed the blotter after 45 minutes or so. During the acid come-up, I watched some trippy videos online.
As I prepared to dose the MDMA, a light-bulb of an idea came into my head: talking myself through some underlying psychological issues that I’d been pondering (this was an idea I’d read about previously in a report). My bed is very comfortable and makes for an optimum setting. My younger brother was in the other room on the TV, anyway, so if I wanted to watch Inception, I’d have had to interrupt him. I decided to stay in my room. Listening to music is one of my favorite things to experience while on LSD. I’m able to hear the music on a deeper level than when sober. It’s hard to explain in words, but somehow I just feel the music more. The Positive Acid Vibrations are intense, and I feel them throughout my entire body at this point. I repeat to myself over and over throughout the trip just how wonderful and amazing this experience is.
At two hours (peak of the come-up), I dosed 175mg MDMA, and I began recording the talk-therapy on my phone. I was able to address at least two major issues from my childhood. I’d repressed some memories far back in my mind to the point of blocking them out entirely, and this trip brought the memories to the forefront in a way I’d never experienced before. I was finally able to accept the way things were, and what had happened. I was able to accept them not with anger and resentment, as I’d done before, but with love and compassion for myself and my family. It is great to know what actually happened, to truly look forward now, and be able to finally move on. Or, at least, to better understand my path and the direction in which I am moving. As with most of my psychedelic experiences, it didn't take long for the MDMA to kick in. I’d say, probably 10 minutes, and I felt a surge of love, emotions, and euphoria rush throughout my entire body.
The Candy-Flip was super intense, almost like a turbo boost, because my mind was flooded with a seemingly endless stream of thoughts and feelings all at once. My thoughts were coming in very fast, and continuously branched off into different directions. Time seemed to pause…Or more-so, it seemed that time didn't exist; I was simply in the moment and euphoric. Although I could see the time changing on a clock in the room, the relevance of those numbers wasn't present or apparent to me. Sometimes it seemed as if my thoughts would collide into each other. And at one point, I felt this weird/cool sensation of being able to move thoughts from one side of my brain to the other. It felt really cool to be able to follow a thought around inside my mind and to be able to shift them to different parts of my brain. It’s difficult to describe the phenomenon, but it was totally amazing to feel that much in tune with my own consciousness. Although I’d done psychedelics before, this feeling was totally novel to me.
I remember being glad to have been recording the Session, for two reasons: 1. Talking out loud helped prevent the common MDMA Side-Effect of chattering teeth. 2. So I’d be able to review the session & integrate later on, once I’d sobered up. What I was experiencing was an intense awareness of the connectivity of all beings through some Divine Source…this is something that flies in the face of my claim of Atheism, and so it’s quite a bit for my mind to handle. In some ways I am still integrating the trip now, a year later.
Irony or some sense of coincidence struck me as I realized my night of simply re-watching Inception had turned into something much more valuable than I’d planned beforehand, and all due to my karma and the wisdom/healing potential of psychedelics. The thoughts that followed in this self-talk therapy session also helped me overcome some issues with respect to my diagnosis of Bi-Polar Disorder. For many years after I got off the Depakote, I denied to myself that I had BPD. I tried to pretend I was fine, and that everything was okay. But my mood swings, and anger issues had been on the way to destroying some relationships with those I was closest to. My denial of the way things are, how my mind works, etc., lead to me being a ticking time-bomb, just waiting to explode on those who didn't give me my way. During this trip, I was able to perceive myself outside of my own Ego, and I came away with the understanding (and acceptance) that my symptoms clearly fall into the realm of BPD. I remember the precise moment when this happened. Again, it was almost like a light-bulb shined brightly in my mind: “I am Bi-Polar. Whoa!! It all makes sense now...”
I no longer deny my diagnosis; I understand it for what it is. And for how it affects me. This understanding has helped me find ways to maintain my balance (Meditation, Yoga, Positive Affirmations), and ensure that my mood swings don’t take over my normal, extremely positive demeanor. Before, when I was denying the fact I was bipolar, I’d have temper tantrums if things didn't go the way I wanted, and I never thought to attribute that to Bi-Polar, I would just argue until I got my way. In my mind, I was not bipolar. Before psychedelics, I attributed the diagnosis to foolish doctors who didn't really understand me and just wanted to label me. Now, with the understanding that I exhibit Bi-Polar symptoms, I’m able to notice ahead of time before things go down a negative path. Or if I feel a manic or depressive episode coming on, I’m able to circumvent the resulting bad behavior & get back to my sense of Balance & Inner Peace. Meditation and yoga help me a lot more than the psychotropic medications ever did.
Meditation and yoga help me a lot more than the psychotropic medications ever did.
Finally, after a few hours of healing, I ventured out into the other room and spent time with my brother, getting to know him on a deeper level. I work a lot and don’t get to spend as much time with him as I’d like, but this night was perfect: We just talked, I learned about the games he likes to play, his friends, thought processes, etc. And I expressed my true purpose to him more clearly than I’d really ever been able to previously.
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