Citation: Sherab Nambad. "The Oddest Most Beautiful LSD Trip of My Life: An Experience with LSD (exp104044)". Erowid.org. Aug 14, 2019. erowid.org/exp/104044
The Oddest Most Beautiful LSD Trip of My Life
Last night I had one of the weirder experiences of my life, and I have had a few. I have to share this. It was a complete mindfuck, a profound teaching, and a case of a very special connection arising. It may not be very significant to anyone but me, but I need to write this out. If you reach the end of this: thank you.
I thought it was this girl, whom I had been with for about a month, writing me, when I replied: “Sure come over”. I realized fairly quickly that it was a common friend of me and my regular trip-buddy. I had not met her before, only talked to her on Facebook, though the three of us had been planning an ayahuasca ceremony, which had not materialized yet. She is in her late twenties I think.
Seeing as I had just received about 625 mcg of good acid in the mail, I thought “why not?”
She arrived at my place a couple of hours later and we spent a few hours talking, reading Hoffman and Grof, getting to know each other. We had a good connection, I felt, both being practicing Buddhists of two difference Tibetan lineages within the same school.
We had our first ayahuasca experiences about the same time a year back, and had experienced similar realizations. The chemistry was good, and after a few hours of preparation, making offerings, preparing fruit and drinks, and me laying out my previous experiences with LSD (she had only taken ayahuasca), we were ready.
We settled on my mattress on the floor and took the blotters. She is tiny, so I gave her about 300 mcg and I took 350 mcg.
The onset was beautiful, after about 20 minutes we started having visuals. Colors became intense and the music materialized as beautiful patters, stairway-like constructions in mid-air, fractals and I remember everything vibrating around me.
I laid down, looking at the ceiling, enjoying her presence and at some point, like I have experienced before on LSD, became moved by love and affection for all the people I love or have loved, the countless beings that have crossed my path in this life.
My tears started flowing freely. My emotional response felt completely pure and beautiful. I perceived it as an amalgamation of positive and negative baggage, all dissolving and flowing out of my, deeply purifying, completely honest. As I have experienced before with the drug, my tears didn’t sting or burn at all.
Our connection felt profound, and my heart opened in an amazing way. She took my hand, and I looked in her eyes, filled with compassion and care for my state, my emotions clearly affecting her. We were like to aliens, making a temporary landing in this most significant corner of the vastness of all of existence. It felt as though the warmly lit, glowing confines of my living room was the only place in existence.
We hugged and held hands, she leaned on me and I do not remember even feeling as much care or affection without attachment or words for anyone. It was beyond sexual attraction, beyond concepts, and completely free somehow.
When I finished my crying, I felt completely purified, and it was her turn. She broke down in much the same way. She put her head on my chest and I do not remember ever having this kind of care and love for another being. I held her, gently caressing her forehead, stroking her hair as she cried. We both felt this amazing open state of a deep connection without concepts. What felt like a complete integration of our beings, much deeper than anything I have experienced through sex or anything else.
We went to my kitchen to look at the trippy wallpaper, the physical effects were starting to wane and the trip became deeper. She sat on the couch, crying again and started saying: “I love… I love Aaron… I love him so much.”
I asked, “Who is Aaron?” and she wouldn’t tell me. This is where things started taking an unexpected turn.
She was in a state of deep affect, crying and calling out his name. I tried calming her, and she started telling me: “You’re him, it’s you, I know it's you, I can see it in your eyes. It’s the heart, can’t you feel it? Can’t you remember?”
She got agitated and started walking around. I comforted her, asking her to breathe and relax, but she started crying and screaming his name. I left her alone for a bit, hoping the change of scenery would help, but from the kitchen I could hear her stumbling about and calling out his name.
I waited for about ten minutes before returning, and at this point, she had regressed to the state of a young, defiant girl, trashing about, messing up my plants.
It got worse and worse, she was waking up my neighbors, and Airbnb guests in the next room and I was worried she would harm herself.
I sat her down and helped her relax and breathe, but it did not really work. I tried giving her a tiny amount of a sedative to break the loop, but she wouldn’t drink it. Tripping hard myself, I switched my phone off flight-mode and was about to call our common friend for advice when the girl I had been seeing called and I accidentally picked up.
She asked if she could come over, but heard her calling out in the background, and said “oh I guess not” before she hung up. After that I couldn’t reach her.
I tried different things, but she kept insisting I was Aaron. She started throwing herself at me, hugging me at first, putting her head on my chest, telling me she knew it was me: “Don’t you remember?”
All the while, I still felt this amazing connection with her, this tiny, beautiful being lost and in need of comfort, but I did not understand who the hell Aaron was or why she thought I was him.
She told me how she recognized my scent, how she knew it was me, that she loved me, that is was all in the heart, in my eyes. I have intense eyes, especially on LSD: Big, blue, bright and shiny it seemed. Hers were tiny and dark, almost black, and we lost ourselves again and again.
I kept trying to calm her, but it didn’t help. She started rubbing up against me before she laid down and exposed her gender, playing with herself in front of me, begging for my attention and affection. I was not unaffected, but I was convinced it had nothing to do with me, even though the feeling of our initial connection was so strong.
I held her and gently stroked her back, feeling larger than I had ever felt before, that she needed me somehow. I felt immense love and care for her, wanting to protect her in the most universal sense I can imagine.
I finally got her to lay down and I laid next to her, hugging her. While we were there, I had the realization, that it had been me, she was talking about all along, but she had been too afraid to say it outright, too overwhelmed by this deep and spontaneous connection we had.
I don’t know how long it went on, but in my afflicted mind, a consistent narrative, making sense of her behavior arose. I caressed her gently, telling her: “I’m so sorry I messed up your trip because I’m so slow. I should’ve known all along. I felt it too.” I started contemplating the idea, though I felt overwhelmed at the prospect of acknowledging the depth and implications of what felt like the deepest love I had ever experienced.
She wrapped her tiny legs around me, rubbing herself against me, my hand on her tummy, gently feeling her while she was pushing herself against me, clearly wanting me to touch her in the most intimate of ways.
I never felt this close with anyone, I was completely taken over. We kissed, but I was still holding back, trying to acclimatize to the reality of the situation, our whole coming existence together playing itself out in images in my head, while I contemplated how I would go about this, knowing we were completely right for each other in every way.
I was so happy. It felt like coming home. I had finally understood how I had not allowed myself to give myself fully to anyone before, but I knew I would be able to now.
I told her: “You know I can’t have sex with you in this state, it would be rape almost.” and she just giggled and tucked herself closer against me. I caressed her as I kissed her neck and chest softly, and it was as though she almost orgasmed from that alone.
I felt like I was finally home, as though I had been reunited with a long lost friend, lover, someone who was a completely inseparable part of me. How could I have been so blind for so long, that I almost took her to the emergency room to get her a shot of something to put her to sleep?
I almost told her I loved her and had always loved her, but I kept it inside, still wary about the situation.
As we laid there, completely a part of each other, I thought about how I would tell this other girl, how I would end that in a proper way.
She was so into me, she loved me so much, I felt, and she had stopped calling me Aaron finally. I knew I was home, but I was still rejecting her on some level.
We stood by the window, her close against me as I tried to acclimatize to the newly found connection, feelings, and its implications when she started coming to, probably from the 400 mgs of niacin I had finally gotten her to take about an hour earlier.
I was so in love, and I was so taken by her affection for me. I told her: “I think I have to be not-on-LSD before I know exactly how I feel about this"
“I think I have to be not-on-LSD before I know exactly how I feel about this"
, trying not to hurt her feelings, as I explained to her how deep a connection I felt we had, though I might not be able to reciprocate at this very moment.
Her state of projecting her love for her boyfriend onto me lasted for at least three hours.
Then she told me: “Aaron’s my boyfriend. I love him.” And my illusion collapsed completely. On a superficial level I was unaffected, but I felt my hear caving in. All the hopes and dreams that had just vividly manifested in my mind shattered in that familiar pattern of realizing that things, people, and emotions are not always what they seem.
I sat with her and talked, though she was still out of herself, and I was not quite sure if she was kidding, we hugged and felt each other just as close as before.
I had to ask her: “You actually have a boyfriend named Aaron?” And she told me, that she did, in fact.
She could not remember what had happened, and as I laid out the course of events she was in disbelief. Whenever I looked in her eyes, whenever I moved in or gestured, she would recognize it as just the way someone she knew and loved did, she would fall back into our connection, completely confused.
Her state gradually changed, and I realized how I had constructed layers upon layers of narratives, based on her reactions, and probably on my own feelings of loneliness and longing for a true connection.
We both still felt this amazing connection and she seemed as confused as me by this point. We hugged and talked and I broke down again, realizing it was all just in my head, while the basic, unadulterated feeling of love still remained.
I felt as though I received a profound teaching on my own tendency to idealize women, of the dynamics that have caused me harm in my previous existence up to this point.
We talked some more, viewing the situation and possible causes from different viewpoints and models of explanation. We went for a walk, and I told her how she had probably just destroyed my relationship with that other girl.
When we returned back home, I went to sleep on the couch with her on the floor next to me. I wanted nothing more in this world than to hold her and make her feel safe and loved, but I relented and thought of the consequences for her, her Aaron. My own insecurity returned at full strength.
When we woke up, we spend hours talking and turning the events of the trip. It felt as though I had lost the most significant relationship I had experienced, like a long lost friend and soul mate had appeared only to break my heart again, and we both cried again and again. She was so mild and compassionate; I did not know what to make of it.
It was as though I had wasted the opportunity: If only I could have given myself completely, not holding back, maybe it would have been different.
Having taken vows to never harm another human being, I could not do that, and though I felt closer with her in the midst of the experience, than I ever had with anyone else, I realized how circumstance prohibited taking it any further; how I had to realize that our connection meant that I had to hold her interest as high as my own, as well as that of her boyfriend, who has every bit as much right as me to be happy.
I walked her to the bus and she went on her way back home in the middle of the afternoon.
I wrote back and forth with my girl, explaining the situation to her, but having had this profound connection with another, it felt contrived and dishonest. I do not know where to go with her. I do not feel confident I will ever again experience this kind of connection with any other human. It was as though we had known each other forever.
When I told my girl about Aaron, she asked: “Oh Aaron ?”
I didn’t know, but I just found out. My girl knows her boyfriend very well, they are close friends.
I am confused. It feels like I imagine the trauma of birth would feel if I could remember it; as though my umbilical cord has been cut using the rustiest of scissors.
I am choosing to make this a lesson in my mind's propensity for constructing stories and making a fool of myself, but I cannot let go of the feeling, that if I had only been able to surrender completely, it would have been different, yet I do not think I would be better for her, and I cannot even consider the idea of taking her away from someone else, knowing her qualities and having experienced exactly that myself. I would not wish that upon anyone.
But here I am: heart broken, yet completely content, in excruciating pain, yet grateful. It is the most conflicting experience I have ever had, and I am still trying to integrate it.
I do not know what to make of this.
I want to reduce it to an illusion in my head, but she told me how she felt that connection too, and I know she is being honest.
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