DOSE:

repeated

oral

Huasca Brew

(tea)

BODY WEIGHT:

200 lb

DMT had me utterly captivated for the last five years. It was on my mind constantly and it was the absolute most interesting thing I knew about. The key things that made it so interesting were the reports of people actually going to a different realm that existed outside of the mind and the fact that it is naturally occurring in humans with its function unknown to science. It sounded a lot like the “red pill” in the movie, The Matrix.

I had smoked small doses of DMT several times; however, I was never successful at breaking through to the other side. During those experiences, I would often ask the question, “Is this the divine realm?”. It was unclear what it was exactly, but it felt like if there was such a thing then this was it. Throughout all of my Ayahuasca and DMT experiences, the main and most persistent sensation was that of a completely alien love. This type of love can’t be imagined with a normal state of mind, but it seemed to make up the fabric of the experience.

After failing to enter DMT hyperspace by vaporizing, I decided that perhaps it wasn’t meant to be and that a more traditional approach might be better. It’s been said that DMT happens too fast, but Ayahuasca is gradual, longer lasting, and more natural, thus allowing you to integrate the experience easier. I believed the brew would be a better alternative so I went to the Amazon jungle.

After some strange ritualistic preparations such as tobacco juice in the nose, herbal saunas, and leaf shaking waterfall cleanses I was ready for the brew. As instructed, I put my intention into the cup, which at that point was basically, “I’m here to be acquainted with Aya and my intentions are pure.” It was very general, but I didn’t want to ask anything until I had a feel for the experience.

I was basically placed in a meditative state with strange visions and my thoughts being directed gently by some type of entity or perhaps just a force of some kind. I asked the question, “Is this the spirit world that I’m observing?” Instantly, my thoughts were directed to the realization that my concept of the “Spirit World” is not actually based on experience. Rather, it is based on my idea of what I think the “Spirit World” would be like, comparing its suspected differences to normal life. Therefore, my question is a useless question and I can simply call this space whatever I choose.

After a few hours of icaros, cleanses, and constant now-forgotten visions, I was back to reality and was offered a second cup. I drank it and waited, but it didn’t seem to have much effect. Drifting off to sleep began peacefully with the second cup perhaps kicking in slightly. The visions at this point are hard to describe. I felt like I was observing something like the source code of consciousness. Its strangeness is truly ineffable. I remember getting the distinct impression that this dimension that I was observing is extremely important in the universe. It seemed real enough that science could potentially someday measure it within normal reality as if it was simply quantum phenomena that I was observing. The visual aspect of it was like unbelievably smooth rolling bends in some type of non-matter material that was getting smeared very slowly. I got the impression that if you took an object from our 3D world, cut it in half from a higher dimension, and pulled it apart, this ultra smooth, smeared quantum fabric would be seen between the halves. How I came to that conclusion I cannot say.

Somewhere between sleep and tripping I felt myself losing it. Something was very wrong and complete chaos and confusion was ensuing. I didn’t know what was what and everything was basically a jumble of otherworldly sensations and nonsensical thoughts. I violently jolted upright and tried to find my senses as I was lost in this psychedelic sleep storm of sorts. I was struggling to leave that world and begin perceiving with my senses again and after two minutes of soft scream-sigh’s and scaring the hell out of everybody, I was back. For some reason, I don’t think the brew mixes well with sleep.

The second ceremony consisted of me sitting outside on a warm night, shivering like crazy from some type of cold-like DMT realm material that seemed to be moving in and out of my body. I was also having visions of what seemed to be heaven as viewed from outside. The draw and attraction to that place was infinite, yet equally as terrifying and intense. The ultra smooth material seemed to be present here as well and the vision overall was beautiful beyond description. I was more terrified the more I started to let go so I never ended up letting go completely and entering that place.

It is impossible to completely describe, imagine, or even remember what happens subjectively when DMT begins to take effect. Our brains seem to have evolved with the capacity to only remember things that exist in conventional reality. The place DMT takes my consciousness is unfathomably strange, alien, and completely unlike anything in this reality.

There is a distinct sensation that appears once the drug takes effect. It is as if a new sense is opened up and it is above all, otherworldly. It seems to reach to the core of my consciousness or soul and essentially affects me at the deepest level which I were previously unaware of. For myself and probably most others, it is the most interesting thing in the universe as it seems to be truly spiritual, for lack of a better word. I dislike using the word spirit because of preconceived notions about what that means. Regardless of the word choice, the DMT realm is of the same magnitude of importance as most understandings of a spirit world.

Despite its utter strangeness, it feels more real and raw than normal waking reality. I suspect it may be possible to gather information about that realm from within our current dimension as it seems to be the foundation to consciousness and existence. What I mean is that it is very real and it exists independent from the individual. I believe that when in that state, the observer is possibly viewing something such as quantum phenomena from an objective perspective, not through the typical senses. I do not believe DMT causes the brain to generate the experience. Rather, I agree with Aldous Huxley regarding the brain’s function being like a reducing valve, restricting consciousness and only allowing the type of input that evolution has proven valuable for survival and reproduction purposes.

As you may have guessed, the attraction to this new world is infinite because it seems to be the core of existence. It appears to be the inner workings of the universe. The beauty of the entire experience is infinite. It is as if I am viewing beauty in its complete, raw, and objective form. It is not just visual beauty, but the sensations of the experience as a whole. Because of this unfathomable beauty or perhaps another reason, I was completely terrified. I wanted to go as deep as possible and lose myself to this realm, yet being terrified of what I saw and what may lie beyond, I was holding back. At the time, I knew that this was big. It is no joke. The power and intensity of the realm is infinite and I don’t believe the ego can survive past a certain point.

For my third ceremony, I can’t recall the initial visions. After the peak, I began my cleanse with the Shaman. It involved tobacco smoke, shaking of leaves, fragrant liquid plant mixtures and icaros. The cleansing always appears very strange and I don’t understand exactly what it is doing. I suspect it may help the individual psychologically to cope with the extreme sensations as you are basically being serenaded and the idea is that the Shaman is directing good energy at you. I believe it’s possible that the Shaman, with his vast experience, may be doing something at the spirit level, but I cannot be certain.

I was having a positive experience prior to the cleanse, but afterward I felt extremely pure and surrounded by good energy. It felt as if I was completely free of negative energy or sin. The effects were wearing off, but I was still very much tuned in to that realm. I went to my room and laid down and had the most profound positive experience of my life. An extremely alien, incomprehensible, infinite, otherworldly, completely unconditional, and infinitely intimate love surrounded my entire body, mind, and soul and grew in intensity, wrapping itself around me, filling my entire being, and squeezing tighter and tighter. It was spiritual ecstasy unlike anything of this world. I thought that the healing power of this love could cure anyone of anything negative. To lose oneself in that love would be the highest goal of any conscious entity. It was infinite comfort and I had the impression that this was The Source or God, if you will.

If you want to finish this recount on a positive note, do not read any further. Things are about to get very, very dark.

Naturally, the third ceremony made me want to go deeper. For my fourth and final ceremony, I drank two cups instead of one. After drinking the brew, I got into a brief disagreement with another partaker. Talking to them a few days later, we realized it was over a simple misunderstanding and managed to reconcile, but I don’t believe I started the night off in the most ideal way. I laid in the hammock and forgot about the disagreement and tried to focus on having a positive experience.

The DMT hit hard and fast. I knew I was in for a ride. Utterly alien sensations were very strong and I thought I would try and purge. However, there was no nausea and I wasn’t able to.

After the intensity grew to a certain point, I purged. It was violent and very uncomfortable. I realized that I probably needed a cleanse so I went and sat by the Shaman. He was performing a cleanse on someone else so I waited.

At this point I was beginning to lose it. I was being shown horrible things that should not exist. I cannot describe them as they are not from this reality. I became extremely confused and disorientated. I began to cry and cry out, “Why? WHY?, Please! Please! Please…”. I was directing these words to the entity or force that was affecting me, but I was also hoping that the Shaman would notice that I was going through turmoil. He didn’t seem to have a clue.

I’m literally trembling as I write this and the memories come back to me. Waiting for the cleanse to finish seemed to stretch on and on and on. I felt I had to push the cleansee aside and demand spiritual assistance as it was becoming far too much. However, I didn’t want to be a douche so I tried to contain myself and be patient. The anxiety grew to painful levels and I began to slip. I became nauseous and stood up to leave the area. I stumbled outside and violently purged again. To the outside observer, I was stumbling around, crying out for mercy, desperately begging for water, and purging constantly for at least an hour.

I could hardly walk and was completely disoriented in normal reality as well as hyperspace. Extreme confusion and powerful dark sensations were being directed at my consciousness. An evil spiritual entity or perhaps force of some kind seemed to be toying with my mind and soul. It literally felt like this being was infinitely more powerful than I and they were playing with my soul and showing me the most horrid things that should not be allowed to exist. In this realm, I was naked and vulnerable, not to mention navigating it was extremely difficult and at times seemed impossible.

I was at its mercy. I kept thinking that you’re not supposed to fight the effects, but the intentions of this entity seemed very sinister. It had no empathy. It was cold, evil, and it was toying with my soul for some kind of sick pleasure. It was like a possession. I had the impression it was rewiring my brain or modifying my DNA for some sinister purpose. At this point I realized, humans are not fit for this realm. I said aloud, “Don’t fuck with this plant. Don’t fuck with Ayahuasca.” What I meant was, “Do not do DMT; no one is meant to go here.”

At the time, I would have volunteered for solitary confinement for the rest of my days, eternity perhaps, if it would make this end. I came to the conclusion that no matter what possible benefit, nothing would be worth enduring this. It was invasive. An extremely powerful evil entity was invading the core of my being, my soul. I don’t mean that was the impression I got. I mean, that’s exactly what it felt like. It was incomprehensibly uncomfortable. It was hell.

No one will understand what I went though that night. Any form of torture with a sober mind would have been preferable. Strange, strange, otherworldly sensations of extreme intensity and evilness are so infinitely more uncomfortable than anything on this good earth. I don’t mean uncomfortable like when your seat isn’t soft enough. I mean the complete absence of any form of comfort and it’s opposite in full. This entity or force was toying with my body, mind, and soul for some sick, twisted pleasure. I saw things that simply should not exist. They are too evil. The complete strangeness of everything made it even worse. I felt like I had made a grave, grave mistake in taking that brew. Something wasn’t right in the universe; god was dead and negative energy was in charge. To be honest, I could not distinguish between this entity and the all loving one the previous time. It seemed to be a different side of the same thing. That’s scary when I’m convinced this is the source of existence that I’m dealing with.

I felt pathetic and weak. I was seeing myself as completely hopeless and useless. I felt complete doom, defeat, and failure. I thought I was going to die and if I survived, I didn’t think I would come back completely. More than myself, I was concerned with the nature of consciousness; it didn’t feel right. It was as if an evil force, something like magnetism (very unemotional) was causing this horror. There was no reasoning with it.

In spite of the negative, everything was still beautiful beyond belief. I don’t mean it was good, it was just beautiful. Also, I felt a lot of love. However, it was a twisted form of otherworldly love that made me sick. It was an evil mutation of love that was very uncomfortable and unwanted. I don’t think I can grasp that concept in my sober mind and I don’t want to.

I was exhausted and wanted to sleep, but if I slept, I would end up letting go and possibly not returning. It may seem like letting go is the right thing to do, but the above paragraphs should have made clear my reasons for not wanting to do so. After some time, I laid down and was hoping to sleep without problems. However, every time right before I was about to drift off, things would get far too strange and chaotic and I would jolt awake and try to keep myself grounded in this reality. I spent the whole night trying to stay grounded, breathing consciously and tapping my fingers. I didn’t sleep a wink and was still slightly altered in the morning.

After the experience, I basically didn’t say a word to anyone for two days. I was shell shocked to the core. No one had the slightest idea of how hellish my experience was. However, a couple more days later, I was back. I was ecstatic. Even now, a few weeks later, I am infinitely grateful for the reality that we live in. For perhaps the first time in my life, I am content with whatever happens as long as it’s in this reality.

I believe I benefited immensely from the four experiences overall. There were many unmentioned personal insights and realizations that are positive, of vital importance in my life, and have made my life better to this day. After surviving six hours of intense spiritual torture, I feel that anything this world throws at me will not be a problem. Nothing negative on this good earth can compare with that night and I believe I can deal with anything without a problem. This is all a side effect of the experience and I don’t believe it was the intention of the entity to cause this benefit.

So this begs the question, “Was it worth it?” Absolutely not. I wouldn’t have wished that experience on any human or any conscious entity. The sensations I experienced should not exist. Yet they do. I’m looking forward to my future years on earth, but I’m wary of the afterlife. Also, it’s somewhat unnerving knowing that my body is producing DMT on a regular basis. If the hypothetical mass DMT release takes place before death, I know what I’m hoping for.

<3 <3 <3

Notes:

- No prescription or other drugs were involved aside from a bit of guayusa tea for the ceremony and cigarettes prior to the ceremony.
- Mindset was generally good, with pure intentions

Exp Year: 2014	ExpID: 104218
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 23
Published: Feb 22, 2018	Views: 3,458
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Huasca Brew (268), Diplopterys cabrerana (157), Banisteriopsis caapi (169) : Combinations (3), Difficult Experiences (5), Bad Trips (6), Entities / Beings (37), Group Ceremony (21)