Citation: Not a Prophecy. "I Felt Like I Died: An Experience with DMT & Dextroamphetamine (exp104982)". Erowid.org. Apr 20, 2021. erowid.org/exp/104982
Canonical DMT Death Experience w/Amphetamine
DRUG INTAKE: 15mg Dextroamphetamine, spaced throughout the day. Last 5mg dose taken at T-7 hours. 60-65 mg N,N-DMT torch-vaporized in a dry bong, using a Hellstone volcanic rock bowl. I should note that the DMT used here was from a synthesis procedure and not an extraction, so the purity was very high.
BACKGROUND: 21 years old, student. Study cognitive neuroscience with an interest in drugs. Taken: LSD & mushrooms (many times), 2CI, 25i-nBOME, smoke weed, DXM, MDMA, other milder psychoactives. Taken DMT before at low doses, but with nothing near a breakthrough.
Within the first 2-3 seconds of holding the smoke in my body, edges in my visual field began to fractionate, hard. Then, there was no tunnel, no light approaching me, it was a near instantaneous transition into the most profound experience of my life. I lay my head back against the couch and closed my eyes, and everything got very silent, setting the stage for the most intense 'visionary' experience of my life (forgive my liberal use of this description, nothing else suffices). I began to experience undulating visionary experience. I was completely arrested from any recognition of what was going on in any conceptual sense - in other words, I was experiencing an ego-death already, and the drug was still getting stronger.
I became a part of a multi-plane fractal existence. Many large 'planes' of visions dancing about and warping were evident, with smaller, fractal-like subplanes intersecting the larger planes in unique geometric fashion, everything coalescing together in this beautifully unsymmetric way. I very much wish I could draw it. Cannonballs of emotion plowed through me - kaleidoscopic visions blistered into (or out of) my frame-of-reference, each vision so intense and powerful in its own microsecond -- silently and freely flowing into my consciousness. This continued for a while, and I was naturally convinced of, and unwittingly surrendered to, this new strongly 'visionary' reality. I had a strand of a feeling of a thought, something about the fact that I attended the school I did, School X. It wasn't a linguistic thought in the slightest, it was like the whole soup of emotion and experience I had had in my time at School X, represented as a constituent feeling -- which was undeniably a part of the fabric of the whole DMT experience. It was not merely visions, it was the melting and coalescing of a great many thoughts, feelings, and modal perceptions.
It was not merely visions, it was the melting and coalescing of a great many thoughts, feelings, and modal perceptions.
Were they my thoughts, feelings, and perceptions? Or was the experience my neural representation of a great influx of information available at my fingertips, from the whole of the anti-Me -- namely, the universe? This is an unsolved question that arose, and was discussed with friends.
Another important strand of a feeling of a thought, which was my only other minuscule tie to reality, was the knowledge that I had done dextroamphetamine earlier in the day, and I had done some research as to the combination. All of those thoughts and worry-inducing judgments were funneled down into one 'feeling strand'. This one would become very important. Important to note also is the totally unfamiliar taste (from the DMT) in my throat, which was a permeating part of the experience, offering as its contribution an overwhelming sense of unsettling novelty.
As I tripped more and more (which felt like hours), being a part of the multi-plane fractal-visionary state of existence, the dextro feeling-strand, combined with the unsettling unfamiliarity of the taste in my throat, began to offer to the whole experience a shift towards an insoluble doubt as to my own existence. At this point I became aware -- though with decidedly non-linguistic concepts -- that I was unsure whether I was dead or alive. To translate to norm-existence concepts, I had none of my usual sober faculties to verify my own existence.
Still tripping really hard, some aspects of the room came back into view, though still unrecognizable to me at the time. It was about here that I began to wonder whether I was having a heart attack, and whether I had triggered some sort of endogenous DMT release because I was actually in the process of dying. The intense multi-plane fractal visions were definitely not helping to ground my existence either. At one point here, I remember placing the palms of my hands together (as in a meditation pose), to try to calm my overwhelmed faculties. This felt very trippy, but did nothing to ease my existential discomfort. Slowly, I began to see more coherent aspects of my room, shapes of things, and my friends sitting around the room. Something I noted which felt important to me, was that boundaries of things in my room were grossly overlapping -- to the point where it almost hurt trying to comprehend the edges as I normally do. I remember back now, and this is I feel when the 'boundaries' of my norm-universe were re-forming from that 'other place'. I couldn't make out what my friends were saying for a little while. Then I found my glasses which I was wearing to be entirely cumbersome and uncomfortable, so I threw them on the table, at which my friend joked, 'He doesn't need glasses, he can see clearly now' - but I was too busy wondering whether I was dead to process that witticism.
Finally, I began to ask questions. 'Wh-what happened? ...Did I... (pointing to a bong)? .....What time is it?'. I still was unsure whether I was 'gonna make it' though I was coming down very slowly. The room began to exhibit edge-fractionation similar to the first 2-3 seconds of inhalation, though a profound amnesia now accompanied me. The room now also exhibited an amber hue, or dull golden hue. By degrees, I discovered that I had taken DMT, that my friends had also taken DMT (I forgot that too, of course), and finally, that I wasn't going to die after all. Coming to this realization was PROFOUNDLY relieving. I grabbed my friends by the shoulders and thanked them for being there, and continued to thank them repeatedly. I kept repeating my astonishment at my experience -- 'Holy shit', 'What the fuck just happened?', 'I felt like I died' -- over and over.
Now being at the point where I could use linguistic concepts to describe things again, I started a voice recording and talked with my friends about everything that had happened to me, and to them. The recording has helped me piece together disparate aspects of the trip, so I highly recommend it if you so choose to use DMT.
If this experience is what it feels like to really die, then I am perfectly happy with that. It was the most profound experience I've ever had in my life, and probably ever will (until I do DMT again). No other philosophical insights into life here. I just want to have the best possible description I can make of what happened to 'me'.
COMBINATION NOTES (Dextroamphetamine + DMT):
Dextroamphetamine definitely affected my experience, but as far as I can surmise, only psychologically (as described above). Regarding the general stimulant nature of the chemical -- its pharmacological properties -- it is unknown to me whether it affected the experience (either the kind of visionary state or the above-mentioned psychological strands melted within that state), since DMT is so powerful on its own. It's possible. However, I don't have another breakthrough experience to compare with.
REFLECTION (two days later):
The first time I left my house, I couldn't stop looking at the familiar houses and other sights. There is 'something else' there with me now it feels like. What, I cannot put my finger on. Maybe this is what people mean when they say you never quite come back fully from a breakthrough DMT trip.
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