Citation: vokest. "I Ended Up Praying to Jesus Christ: An Experience with 5-MeO-DMT (exp105060)". Erowid.org. Feb 27, 2016. erowid.org/exp/105060
||(powder / crystals)
It was a sunny day in spring. Me and my friends had just finished classes and went to a forest near school to test out the 5-MeO-DMT we had received in the mail. I arrived after my friends were there and was greeted by the sight of a few younger kids from my school lying blissfully on the ground and giggling. My friends were passing a joint. I took one puff on it and it did not get me notably high. I was supposed to come back home after school pretty quickly, but I figured out that I could fit a 15 minute trip into my schedule.
I eyeballed a line, about half the length of a matchstick and snorted it. I lay on my back looking at the sky. I did not feel comfortable at all. For a while I had had this problem of feeling a certain tension around my lower back when on drugs and I felt that, but the substance was intensifying it and making any sitting position uncomfortable. I felt as if every single neuron of my body was firing at the same time. I looked around and saw my philosophy teacher, chatting with a friend of mine. I had told her plenty of stories about our trips and she always enjoyed listening to them, but her seeing me in such a state made me somewhat uncomfortable. As she was speaking I was hearing long gaps between every word. It seemed as if every single sound took on a life of its own and spent a while lingering in my head and getting modulated. Slowly everything started to sound more and more like psytrance.
I panicked and got up, feeling an intense urge to run as the energy my body was feeling was too overwhelming. Running helped dissipate it to some extent, but the fact that I was hallucinating intensely made me feel completely lost. Suddenly I felt like there were hundreds of people, sitting on the trees around me, talking and laughing and making psytrance sounds. I felt overwhelmed by panic.
I thought that I had been gone forever, that I had spent hours walking through the forest and remembered that I would have to give my parents an explanation of what I was doing and why I was gone for so long. Furthermore I knew that the drug should not last more than 20 minutes and I was convinced that I had spent at least an hour on it, leading me into thinking that I had taken too much. This combined with the unease I was feeling already turned into an intense fear-feedback loop, until I became absolutely convinced that I was dying.
I became absolutely convinced that I was dying.
I guess that it is due to my christian upbringing, but I felt as if God was laughing at me, that he had punished me. I felt as if I had been deluded and had fallen into Satan's trap to seek out 'enlightenment' with drugs and I had ended up killing myself and feeling so terrified and disoriented at the moment of my death that I could not even comprehend it and enjoy it.
I felt enraged at myself and started yelling and running faster. I felt so angry that I had wasted my life away and I felt as if I had also wasted my death away, for I felt so confused that absolutely nothing made sense. The prospect of dying in such a state where I could not even look back at the good moments of my life or forward into death terrified me. It seemed as if my entire life had been reduced to a computer glitch. I continued running and eventually reached a metal pole, sticking out from the ground. I started considering stabbing myself in the throat with it to finally get myself rid of that state of perpetual death and terror and to just skip to death and peace. Thankfully some rationality managed to form out of the chaos of my mind and I decided that it would be silly to abandon all hope and just kill myself.
I continued running, biting at my t-shirt and angrily yelling 'NO! NO! NO!' and eventually almost got hit by a car. At one point I started praying to Jesus to save my soul from the torment I was experiencing and some seconds after that I started coming down. I was convinced that all of my friends had left and that I had been gone for hours, however when I returned they told me that I was only away for 15 minutes.
A week later I tried the substance again, smoking an unidentified, but smaller amount than last time. I started panicking and running again, until I realised that that was exactly what I had done last time at which point I laughed, lay on the grass and enjoyed the rest of the experience.
That was almost 3 years ago. I have had six or seven more bad trips ever since, where I was convinced I was dying and I would always fall into the feedback loop of thinking that God had punished me and praying to some higher force. Eventually it happened to me again a few months ago, but this time I imposed a ban on myself from reaffirming that behavior and engaged in blasphemy instead. I am now happy to state that to a large extent I have overcome my christian upbringing and no longer believe in gods that can get angry at you or want to punish you. Hail Eris! Hihihi
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