Have You Had a Belief Changing
Psychedelic Experience?
Take this Survey from our friends at Johns Hopkins
Center for Psychedelic and Consciousness Research!
My Lifelong Nightmare
Fentanyl (patch)
by nomatter
Citation:   nomatter. "My Lifelong Nightmare: An Experience with Fentanyl (patch) (exp105066)". Erowid.org. Nov 23, 2015. erowid.org/exp/105066

 
DOSE:
    Pharms - Fentanyl

BODY WEIGHT: 170 lb


I have been addicted to Fentanyl for 4 years now. It is my nightmare. Please read this to the end, I will give it to you straight and hopefully something here will help somebody.

I have had access to it without having to steal, get it on the street, etc. It's always been the pharmaceutical grade patches, so I can't comment on stuff made in clandestine labs or reports of drug dealers mixing it with heroin, etc. I've had both the gel filled type and the matrix style plastic strips. My experience applies to both.

First, a quick history: due to a back injury and worsening DDD [Degenerative disc disease] with severe annular tearing in multiple disks, I have a back problem - no doubt about it. I started taking hydrocodone (vicodin) occasionally, then more and more frequently, and pretty soon, I realized I was taking it every day and sometimes several times a day. And eventually, it wasn't just for pain. It relaxed me, made me feel more personable, enjoyable, lovable, generous, caring. I liked who I was on it. I never thought of myself as being 'high' - just relaxed. I could drive, work, do anything - and it was better with Vicodin. I was a better version of myself.

One day, I took three of my Vicodin pills, the 10/325's, and I know that this is one point that will be very different from other peoples experiences, but this was too much for me. It gave me an awful headache and made me nauseous. That day, it ruined the receptors in my brain forever.
One day, I took three of my Vicodin pills, the 10/325's, and I know that this is one point that will be very different from other peoples experiences, but this was too much for me. It gave me an awful headache and made me nauseous. That day, it ruined the receptors in my brain forever.
That was six or seven years ago, and since then, I have not been able to regain even a minuscule amount of the pleasurable 'relaxation' that I used to. No matter how much I take. Sometimes now I will go back and try it again - I'll do a cold water extraction on 20 or 30 pills, literally - I feel nothing.

When it first happened, I quit it cold turkey for 3 months, then tried a couple pills again, and to my dismay - it had not grown back. I then laid off it again for 6 months, and tried it again - and still, nothing. I'm convinced that it's gone forever. Perhaps with years of no opiates, maybe it would grow back, but I'm convinced that for me and my body - it's not going to happen. Then I tried Fentanyl for the first time. I had a close friend that gave me a Sandoz matrix style patch, I think it was a 50mcg. Sandoz doesn't even make fent patches anymore, but now that I've had many brands, these were some of the best. They were paper thin, like cellophane wrap, not thick like a business card (ie; Mylan brand) I tried wearing it for a few hours, and it wasn't doing much, so a quick online search said cut it up into 8th's and put a strip between gum and cheek without swallowing the spit. The first time I did that, the gentle relaxation and no pain came back - like what I used to have with the Vicodin. Different, but similar. I took my wife for a walk, I felt so gentle and caring. I fell asleep and woke up in the middle of the night with the same feeling. Mind you, this was a small amount of Fentanyl, perfect dosage for me at the time.

Over the next few months, I kept doing this and found that if I did two of these strips in a single day, I'd get nauseous and sometimes throw up. It was too much for one day. But that changed quickly. It grew to where I'd have to take half the patch at a time, and what's worse - it was no longer euphoric and relaxing, it was mostly just tiring. I'd nod off playing music, reading - anything that required me to sit down and focus on something specific. Not so much out working, but to sit and focus I'd get tired quickly.

Skip ahead 3-4 years now, and I have a tolerance that would drop your jaw. I can easily cheek three 100mcg patches in a day without getting sick. But of course, I can't keep anywhere close to that kind of stock. While I still have a genuine need for pain relief because of this damn back of mine, I know that my need for the medicine is far beyond that now. I did a home rehab stint for a month, spent over $1200 for doctor's visits and suboxone. And let me tell you - Suboxone did nothing for me. It might as well have been Advil. The doc said 'it won't make you feel great - it will just help you from feeling awful'. That was not the case - I wanted to die. He had obviously never treated Fentanyl addiction before. After about 10 days of feeling so miserable, he increased the Suboxone by a lot - I don't remember the amounts now, but he tripled the dosage for me, and it still did nothing to help me. I ended up going back to the patches eventually. And now, I have been able to try several other things; morphine pills, oxycodone, hydromorphone - I'm honestly not kidding when I say none of them lets me feel anything at all. And I'm not talking about small amounts either. The bottom line - when you hear people say that fentanyl will raise your tolerance - that's an understatement of a lifetime. It kills your ability to feel.

I will admit - I have never done street drugs like heroin - I have never put a needle in my veins - but I'm at the point now where I can't keep a supply of patches and I've honestly been considering trying to make the fent gel into an intravenous solution. I'm so afraid of that though because I know myself, and I know that if I ever do that, I'll never come back. I am stuck. I don't know how to kick this, but I don't feel any joy from any of the normal things that should bring you joy and happiness.
I am stuck. I don't know how to kick this, but I don't feel any joy from any of the normal things that should bring you joy and happiness.
Truth be told - if I didn't have an amazing family that loves me, I'd probably end it all with a quick bang. So there it is.

If you're thinking about getting into Fentanyl, please reconsider. It honestly never felt as good as vicodin did in the first place, and when it does feel good, it won't last long. It will only make it so that nothing else will ever help again. That's my story, honest to God.

Exp Year: 2014ExpID: 105066
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: 32 
Published: Nov 23, 2015Views: 5,269
[ View as PDF (for printing) ] [ View as LaTeX (for geeks) ] [ Switch Colors ]
Pharms - Fentanyl (223) : Medical Use (47), Addiction & Habituation (10), Various (28)

COPYRIGHTS: All reports are copyright Erowid and you agree not to download or analyze the report data without contacting Erowid Center and receiving permission first.
Experience Reports are the writings and opinions of the individual authors who submit them.
Some of the activities described are dangerous and/or illegal and none are recommended by Erowid Center.


Experience Vaults Index Full List of Substances Search Submit Report User Settings About Main Psychoactive Vaults