Citation: Eos. "Only I Am Entitled to My Body: An Experience with LSD & MDMA (exp105122)". Erowid.org. Jan 22, 2019. erowid.org/exp/105122
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I am not an inexperienced drug user, though I like to think the majority of the time I am a responsible one. I have taken LSD probably 25 times in the past 2.5 years, and “ecstasy” 3 or 4 times. I have no idea how much MDMA was in the shitty pills I had taken when I was younger, but I am relatively confident there have been only 3 times that I have taken straight up MDMA. There have been 3 occasions where I combined LSD and MDMA, although the first experience is null because of the stupid amount of other substances I ingested that night. The second and third times were magical. Candy flipping has become the most beautiful chemical combination I’ve ever experienced.
This story is about the third time. It had been about 5 weeks since I had taken LSD, and 4 months since I had taken MDMA. It was December and an uncharacteristically beautiful, sunny day, and I had just written my last exam for the semester. Happily, I decided to pop into one of my partner‘s houses to pick up a few grams of weed (he sells it) so that I could finally just sit and smoke my face off and relax. While I was there, I ending up chatting to one of his roommates friends about various festivals and eventually the topic moved onto substance use. He told me about how proud he was of his product, which I was curious about. He ended up showing me the clear, beautiful crystals he was selling (MDMA), insisting that crystal form is the only form he would ever sell. I casually inquired about his price and fate was smiling on me that day, and I bought half a gram. I don’t trust most “M” dealers in my city because I find darknet sources to be much more reliable and trustworthy, but I got so many good feels from this guy, and all the people that were hanging out there vouched for his product. I smoked a bowl with my partner, and went off on some errands with him before arriving home with my new goodies around 4PM. I was stoked!
Apparently at some point before I got home I decided I was going to candy flip and go to a show tonight. After cleaning up a bit and making sure my space was cozy before I became too high to do anything about it, I popped half of an acid gummy (which are supposedly 150-180ug each, though they feel much much stronger… so I’m just going to average it and assume I took around 90ug), which is a light dose for me. I checked, and it was 4:15 when I dosed. For the next 20 minutes I made myself some toast, fed the cats, and got some of my favorite music ready. I’m not sure if it was because I was already a bit stoned from earlier, but I started feeling it earlier than I normally do.
I’m not sure if it was because I was already a bit stoned from earlier, but I started feeling it earlier than I normally do.
Music was a bit distorted, sounding ethereally far away and pleasurable. I was elated! I decided before things got too far I should shower. It was without a doubt the most intense shower. I have some pretty thick dreadlocks that I usually tie up in the shower to avoid getting soaked (washing the roots instead) but the water felt so good on my skin, I just wanted my entire face and head to be in the magical stream of water. I scrubbed my skin, washed off, and ran my fingers against my hypersensitive skin, noticing the closed eye visuals I was experiencing from the sensations of the shower. It is worth mentioning that I identify as a masochist; this is not usually a form of self harm, but rather an exhilarating test of my own strength and determination. Pain perception on LSD is fascinating. I can feel the sensation I would normally feel, but my pain receptors don’t seem to register it as painful enough to avoid the stimulus. I turned off the cold water and stood back as the increasingly hot water pelted my skin. It was delightful. I could see the steam clouding around the water, and realized my skin was starting to feel somewhat itchy. I could feel the hot water but I simply didn’t feel the pain. Fascinated, I decided I should probably stop burning myself and get out of the shower.
I got out and realized just how high I was as I tried to find clothes to put on back in my room. Fuck it, I thought, my roommate is away this weekend. I spent 2-3 hours just wandering around naked trying to get dressed. Unfortunately, because I had become so overheated, I seemed unable to regulate my temperature. It was somewhat uncomfortable. I decided it would be a good idea to take some ibuprofen (prevent headaches), drink water, and eat a banana.
The next 4-5 hours progressed in an exciting yet somewhat confusing manner. I would get lost in the middle of tasks and spend long periods of time immersed in music, or staring at my body in the mirror. When I finally put clothes on, it was time to leave my apartment! It was 10:00 PM, I needed to take the MDMA now before I started noticing the acid comedown, and I needed to meet someone in 20 minutes. I struggled trying to figure out the dose of the MDMA (now in powder form), and ended up parachuting somewhere around 100-150mg. I put on a knee-length dress and a thin shirt, my jacket and boots, frantically trying to beat the clock and grab everything I needed before the MDMA kicked in. I stepped outside and almost turned back around. It was cold! But hey, I was positive I would not be able to choose a new outfit, so I shrugged and just walked through the cold mist down the deserted street. I was meeting a friend of a friend who had messaged me online saying he’d be up for hanging out that night, and I decided while high that having someone to hang out with was a good idea.
I met him and as I started talking I realized “WHOA. I am way way high”. I apologized to him (let’s call him G) and said that I might not be able to hold a stimulating conversation as I was tripping pretty hard. He was cool with it, and we made our way down the street so I could go to the bank and he could get some water. I decided I wanted to spread the goodness and gave G a small container with probably 125mg of MDMA. He took most of it and chased it with his juice and asked me if I wanted the rest. I smiled and poured some juice in the vial and shot it.
Rolling is such an interesting feeling to me, and it seemed to amplify the dosage of the LSD. We walked by a moonlit fence and the shadows on the ground moved in waves, it was beautiful. I realized that I felt confident, attractive, and incredibly relaxed as I chose my deliberate steps down the street. I tried speaking but my words came out comically slow and I realized how high I sounded. It was about a 40 minute walk to the show, and on the way we smoked a bowl, which just furthered my relaxed body. It was around this point that I started wondering if G was going to stick around the whole night; he was talking about how he hallucinates without drugs, and the way he was talking about it came off as bragging, which I was unsure how to respond to. My legs were itchy. I have cold induced urticaria (literally a cold allergy), which results in me breaking out in hives after prolonged exposure to cold stimulus. Once again, I couldn’t feel the pain associated with cold, but I could feel itchiness and I realized that I was super underdressed (it was around 3 degrees Celsius).
I don’t remember much until we got to the bar. I checked my coat and went to stand by the stage to watch the openers. People were having a blast and it was such a fun venue, colourful lights and interesting pillars and wooden benches strewn about. G approached me and pulled me over to the bar and bought us drinks. I wasn’t particularly interested in drinking, but I figured one drink would probably be okay. I thanked him, and went back to the sensory feast that was happening around me. I was beginning to feel uncomfortable with G. He was kind of awkwardly standing there trying to figure out how to talk to me (which was pointless, as it was really loud and I was really high) while I just wanted to relax into the scene and enjoy my psychedelic roll. As the set changed I made my way over to a bench and sat down, propping my legs up on the rail in front of me. G followed, which was unfortunate as he wanted to continue talking about something that wasn’t especially interesting. I was feeling so in touch with my body, and running my fingers against the smooth wood of the table was pleasurable. Out of nowhere G leans into me and nudges his leg against mine. I startle and abruptly shift my body posture to be facing away from him.
This is a heavy side note. Over the past year and a half I have been struggling with how to come to terms with being sexually assaulted. I have written a lot about it and spoken to counsellors, and started volunteering at a local women’s centre. This is something I feel passionately about, and the fire inside me is easily lit when triggered. There were several people who had assaulted me, but something they all had in common was that they had acted without my enthusiastic consent. They acted on assumptions that they were entitled to my body, and they laughed my “no’s” and “don’ts” off. They took away my autonomy and my right to choose who I share my body with. When people touch me without making it either verbally or nonverbally agreed upon I am triggered and pushed into an extremely uncomfortable space, and it essentially brings me back to the feeling and memory of someone raping me. It wasn’t a big deal at this point in the night, but I still wasn’t sure how to articulate “don’t fucking touch me” to G without coming off overly rude. I excused myself and went to the bathroom and took down my hair, running my fingers through it, staring at my face. My body felt so good and I still felt euphoric and confident even if I was anxious. I recognized the feeling of anxiety and instead of suppressing it. I melted into it. I became warm steel. I realized I love myself and it is up to me to choose how I handle situations and what I want in life. I smiled at a girl entering the bathroom and went to sit back down. The next half hour was enjoyable. There was a guy at the other end of the table who noticed me staring at the lights and gripping the wooden table, and we made eye contact several times. He was gorgeous and I wish I had talked to him.
Finally, the band I had really wanted to see was on! They are a local band that is a sort of jazz-reggae fusion that is perfect for people on drugs. I was ecstatic, and I jumped up to feel my way to the stage area so I could dance and feel and hear the energy they were putting out. I don’t even think there is anything more satisfying than dancing on MDMA (especially in a delayed candy flip); my body is literally an instrument being tuned by the rhythm and sound of the setting, and it feels so right and perfect, there is no anxiety or discomfort. I share myself with this band, and give all of my attention and love to them as they make my body move in the most wonderful ways. Then all of a sudden someone grabs my side, I am startled and raise my fist but it is G. I am still bothered so I mock punch my fist, but make no effort to apologize. He appears surprised that I responded this way, and nervously laughs and takes off shortly after. Yay! I am free again. It is orgasmic. After some time I go to the bar and pour myself some free water, and it is delicious. I am still overheated so I go outside to cool off. I don’t feel the cold. I see G but I go back inside because I know he will never understand why I respond the way I do at his hopeful advances. As I go back inside I lose my shit as I recognize friends that I had tripped with at a festival a few months previously. I felt love for them and I felt safe, and it was so reassuring to be with people who are awesome. As I was talking to them someone behind me said my name, and as I turned I shrieked and embraced him; it was my partner’s roommate who had been there as I purchased the MDMA earlier, and he was all smiles as he realized just how good I was feeling. I thanked him profusely, and was once more overjoyed to be with people that I like and know. It was a good moment, and I exchanged some somewhat intelligible dialogue with him before I went to dance for the remainder of the set.
I was in such high spirits, and felt at ease and beautiful and loved and loving. Moving to the natural rhythm once more, and that’s when I am snatched out of my blissful state as someone’s hands appear out of nowhere to slide along my hips. Typically when I am groped when dancing it is so sharply unsettling that most times I will freeze, angry, but unsure how to respond other than by coldly ignoring the touch and moving away. Not today. I am done with this. I am surrounded by a beautiful crowd and it moves me to see so many happy people, and I care about my fellow human beings. But when this random guy that I haven’t even seen or acknowledged just pulls my hips into his grasp, I am startled and saddened. It is the most glorious time and I don’t want to be reminded of people thinking they are entitled to my body again. I look at him and just grab his hands and place them back on his abdomen, tapping them lightly in a disapproving manner. He is obviously rejected in a “wtf bitch” sort of way. I turn around and feel the music tune my body again and I almost burst into joyous tears.
I turn around and feel the music tune my body again and I almost burst into joyous tears.
I can take care of myself! I am OK! I can be loving and open while roaming through a glorious psychedelic state, and I realized that I love myself and no one is going to make me feel bad about my body and my needs as long as I am not silent, as long as I let them know this is not okay. I am empowered.
The rest of the night passes by and even though I am coming down I still feel so fucking good, it doesn’t even matter. Around 2:30 the show ends and I spend some time moving against pillars and touching the bar before I leave. I make my escape and do the 40 minute walk home through a sketchy part of town but I don’t give a fuck because no one is fucking with me. I am so strong. When I got home I just took off my clothes and put on a setlist from that band and spent time dancing and moving, because I could, because it felt amazing. I had a smooth comedown and fell asleep around 7AM. I had to wake up around 10:30AM as I was meeting my sister to help her buy shit for the consumerism season, and I felt very tired but nowhere near as drained or terrible as an average alcohol hangover.
This is really drawn out, but it is so important to me that I write it. This experience was both recreational and therapeutic (and even spiritual to an extent) and I have learned a lot about myself that brings me to tears. It’s my mind, my body, my soul and I get to choose who I share it with.
-In a few months I would like to try increasing the LSD dosage and taking the MDMA sooner, maybe 3 hours in. But overall I liked this timing/dosage.
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