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My Cycle of Death in the Void
Mushrooms & Alprazolam
Citation:   A.Bluntsdell. "My Cycle of Death in the Void: An Experience with Mushrooms & Alprazolam (exp105207)". Dec 23, 2022.

T+ 0:00
2 g oral Mushrooms (ground / crushed)
  T+ 0:40   smoked Cannabis  
  T+ 1:00 0.5 mg oral Pharms - Alprazolam (pill / tablet)
  T+ 0:00 75 mg oral Pharms - Bupropion (daily)
Drug usage at the time: daily marijuana use(0.5g-1g) for several years, 75mg Wellbutrin daily (prescribed about a month before this trip), and had only 2 mushroom experiences prior; a 1g dose for my first and 1.7g dose for the second.

Set & Setting: My boyfriend, R, my friend, C, and I choose my apartment to split a quarter of Golden Teachers amongst ourselves. I received 2g ground to a powder, R and C both had 2.5g lightly broken down. We put the mushrooms into our favorite local BBQ sandwiches. The boys had a hard time chewing the chunks of shroom, but mine went down fine. Grinding it down was a great idea! (1st mistake)

My mindset going in was to have a chill night and enjoy the trip with my closest friends, but boy did I get more than I bargained for. I'm having R help me write this report, since I had no perception of time during the trip.

T 0:00 We eat our sandwiches with little to no problems. I was shocked at how little I tasted the shroom. I had eaten the 1.7g dose in the same sandwich but hand ground; it was also a different variety of cubensis. I decided I would like to play the new Call of Duty game before it got too intense. (2nd mistake)

T 0:05 I venture from the kitchen two steps into my living room (apartment life) to the TV and turn on the Xbox 360. I got about a game and a half of Hardcore Domination on CoD: Advanced Warfare. C comes over wanting to play Infection but I give my controller to R. I retreat to the couch behind the 2 gaming chairs.

T 0:15 I laid on the couch and stared at the ceiling, feeling very heavy. My eyes would flutter and my vision blurred, even through my glasses. R came to the couch and we decided to put on South Park. I had the controller in my hand but it seemed like a foreign object. My hand jerked over the buttons as I tried to navigate through Hulu. My fingers moved on their own. I choose a random episode and set the controller down, finally able to lay back and relax.

T 0:25 I was drifting in and out of being awake and in this weird reality, and being stuck inside my body every time I closed my eyes. I felt like I kept sinking into the couch infinitely...never reaching the bottom. Meanwhile, South Park got intense during an episode when Randy does cock magic in front of a group a children and they all start screaming because he 'cut off his dick'. This FREAKS me out. I jolt up and pause the show. Both R and C look at me in agreement, but R notices I'm seriously freaking out.

T 0:40 R suggests we smoke a bowl and C agrees. I just nodded and mumbled yes. I'm not seeing visuals at this point, but everything just seems off and wrong. I just laying on the couch, trying to calm down but I was slowly losing my mind. R handed me my bong and I hit the bud. As I watched the chamber fill I remember feeling like I was being sucked through a wormhole as I inhaled the smoke. I remember thanking the weed for bringing me out of that stuck feeling.

T 0:50 At this point R was beginning to feel his trip more and became more in tune with me and how I was feeling. I wasn't doing that well. I was just sitting on the couch completely confused. I just looked around the room. Everything still looked normal so I started to panic. Why was I feeling like this but had no typical visuals like a 'normal' mushroom trip?
Everything still looked normal so I started to panic. Why was I feeling like this but had no typical visuals like a 'normal' mushroom trip?
R got me to go into the bedroom to lie down. I stumbled into my bedroom and practically belly flopped into my bed. As my face slammed into my pillow I saw an endless geometric pattern of 3D pentagons rushing at me.

T 1:00 R realizes completely that I will be a handful so he decides to ask C to leave so he could take care of me (3rd mistake). C being the party animal he is had no problem driving home. [Erowid Note: Driving while intoxicated, tripping, or extremely sleep deprived is dangerous and irresponsible because it endangers other people. Don't do it!] I felt extremely guilty afterwards. R comes into the bedroom where I'm exploring the continuous pattern in my mind. He touches me and it brings me soaring back into 'reality' where I was still having the panic attack. I jolt up and we hug for what seemed like forever. I ask him to bring me one of my Rx Xanax 0.5mg to help calm me down. I take it and sit on my bed to wait for the calm to kick in.

T 1:20 I started to feel nauseous so I made my way to the bathroom. I dry heaved a few times and stuck my fingers down my throat to try and force it. It was in vain. I felt like my body was being sucked into the toilet over and over. I felt like I was dying every time the toilet would take me in, then I would spiral back out...then right back into the death toilet. I looked up at R who had been consoling me and asked 'Is this all real? Who am I? I work at '---'? Did I do something bad? When will it end? Is this normal?' R answered all my questions, but none of it made any sense to me. I demanded that he Google if anyone had ever died from eating mushrooms. He did and assured me that it wasn't possible unless you hurt yourself.

T 1:30 I didn't want to keep dying over and over in the bathroom so I freaked out and said 'I've got to get out of here,' so R brought me to my bedroom and laid me down on the bed. This room had a different feeling than before. It was almost like the room was filled with invisible jello, it was difficult to walk through. I felt the room push me back. I got off the bed feeling suddenly hot and started stripping my shirt and sweatpants off without even realizing I had done it. R made me get in bed and got me new clothes. I laid on the bed quietly on the outside, but on the inside I was in full panic mode. I felt a weight push my soul in my body down into the bed. I felt myself losing grip with my consciousness and the real world. I felt myself black out but it never ended. I never saw any visuals after the first pattern I saw. It was a compete mental shut down and ego decomposition.

T 2:00 I shot up out of bed needing to vomit, R took me to the bathroom. I was only able to dry heave. R got me a towel and put me against the bathroom wall. I had no idea what was going on. The bathroom seemed like an evil place where I kept going to die. It was a vicious cycle that I was stuck in. I felt weak as I was unable to do anything about being so dissolved. I kept feeling completely disconnected with everything. I was a stranger inside my body. I was going back and forth from the bathroom and pacing my bedroom. I was breathing hard and staring at everything but having no idea what anything was. I have never been so genuinely confused and terrified in my life. During this, R decides he needs to call my mom and have her come over to help. Now, my mom never had a drug policy with me. She knew I did stuff, but never asked questions. She was immediately concerned and promised she would be leaving shortly.

T 2:15 R starts hiding bongs and puts me on the couch with a blanket. I'm staring around my living room trying to figure out what is happening. Did I take something? Was I just dreaming? Was this how life actually was? My step dad called my cell phone but R answered it for me. I just ignored the sounds. He was asking R what was going on so R lied and said I was just feeling sick. Mind you, R is also tripping this whole time. For some reason I recognized that R had just lied and blurted out 'Tell him the truth tell him.'. I really have no idea how I knew that R had just lied to my step dad, I was lost in a sea of darkness and that lie was like a small light coming on. After I had my moment of clarity I was immediately sucked back into the void. From here on my memory is blank up until certain parts.

T 2:20 *All of this I got from R and my mom as I'm currently not attached to my body and have no memories.* The scene is madness for R. He thought the universe was plotting this against him. I kept standing and freaking out looking around at everything. He put me in the bed and reassured me that my mom was on her way and that everything would be okay. Now R is going back and forth from calling my mom to coming back and comforting me.

T 2:40 (ish) My mom finally arrived and goes straight to me in the bed. I'm basically zonked out in the bed. My hands acted like they were seizing and just kept reforming into weird gestures. My eyes darted around my dimly lit room. I would randomly gasp like I've done something or something bad was happening to me in my mind. She came to my side and started talking to me. I immediately reacted to her being there. I still have no memories at this point. R tells me my mom kept talking to me gently, telling me stories of who I was every time I asked about the body I was in.

I kept asking the same questions from before. What was happening? Was this my body? My mom would distract me and I would come just a little closer to reality, then I would roll over and ask R (who was finally able to enjoy his trip) 'will this last forever?' And he would reply 'no, but you've completed one more cycle.' I would rejoice in that, then immediately begin the cycle again. Asking the questions, mom calms me, brings me close, I wake up just a little bit, ask R if it will end, then repeat again. This lasted several hours before I finally regained enough consciousness to not cycle back into confusion and dissolution.
This lasted several hours before I finally regained enough consciousness to not cycle back into confusion and dissolution.
I stayed alert.

T 4:00 *I'm back to writing from my perspective* I feel as though I've woken up from some kind of weird dream. I'm laying in my bed covered in blankets, my mom is sitting on the edge of the bed to my left and R is laying down to my right. 'Oh shit. Mom's here' I say nervous. I'm still fairly in the trip, so I start asking questions again. I didn't feel as panicked this time though. I knew my mom would know all the answers.

I tell her she can go home but she wants to stay. This is the first time I'm getting to enjoy the trip. I feel happy and gentle vibrations float through my body. This is where I shoot myself in the foot. I ask my mom if I could smoke a bowl, and she declines. Then, uncontrolled, I ask R out loud if my mom has seen our weed money (we used to sell bud, but quit about a month before the trip so we had old reup money in a jar). I then just straight up ask my mom if she's seen the jar of money. I planned to tell her I wanted to run away from my current living situation and start somewhere fresh. Little did I I know, I only communicated that we had a jar and used to sell bud. R facepalmed. I had spilled the old beans. I ended up releasing all my secrets to my mother. It felt nice having a clean slate with her. We continued to talk, well I was trying to. I felt like I had autism. I had the words I wanted to say, but they came out slurred and jumbled. My arms still failed around uncontrolled like the thoughts I would blurt out. At one point I called it the ultimate truth serum.

T 4:40 My mom helps me to the restroom where I get a good look at who I was now. I looked the same on the outside. I didn't seem the same. I eventually went back to bed and my mom decided she should leave. She had to go explain what just happened to my step dad. Once R saw her out he plopped on the bed with the bong already packed with a bowl. 'we have got some shit to talk about'.

We stayed up for hours talking about the experience. I was so in awe about what had happened. I had felt myself die over and over, and came back not knowing who I was. I felt relieved I had come back in one piece.

We ended up calling C to make sure he was okay, and he was. Luckily his tolerance is much higher since he trips on a regular basis.

So basically, this mushroom experience gave me questions that I have slowly started answering. I've read tons of reports that seemed at least a little similar to mine. It's opened my mind to an entirely new way of considering death and what follows death. I feel like if I had just let the void take me without struggle I would've been able to accept this entirely different. I have not tripped since, simply because of a supply issue. I will be much more prepared to handle the void and hopefully see what lies beyond that toilet bowl.

Exp Year: 2014ExpID: 105207
Gender: Female 
Age at time of experience: 21
Published: Dec 23, 2022Views: 691
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Mushrooms (39) : Difficult Experiences (5), General (1), Families (41), Combinations (3), Small Group (2-9) (17)

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