DOSE:

1 g

oral

MDMA

(powder / crystals)

BODY WEIGHT:

170 lb

[Erowid Note: The doses described in this report are potentially life threatening. The amount taken is beyond a heavy dose and could pose serious health risks or result in unwanted, extreme effects. Doses such as this have been known to cause hospitalizations and/or deaths. Sometimes extremely high doses reported are errors rather than actual doses used.]
Death Drugs and My Experiences

Going to say this as edgy-less as possible. Ever since I started doing drugs, the subject of death has always creep on me, Had a couple close encounters in my time. Not once would I ever be 'that guy' and bring up death while tripping with people, I personally don't get freak out but others may.

However, its become more and more evident on my mind, more like a fetish almost. I love philosophy and theories/concept of thing to think of while high. Death, has prominently became a interest now. Not in I want to die, actually far from it; the subject just interest me. This is the one thing I have solidly muster from my trips, 'Death itself is not a entity, its like a shadow. Where a shadow only exist with the lack of photons, Death merely exist with the lack of life. When life stops, there will be no death, for there is no life. In order to have one you must have both.'

Let me share a experience with you, Once night when I was living in Boston (also still the time I dealed MDMA) Had one of my mutual FWB come over and she loved to get it on with me being high as fuck, really cool chick (Bro tier gal). She didnt do it herself but was chill with it, anyways I proceed to drop a Stupid ass amount, about 1 Whole fucking gram of Molly (crystal MDMA). Well first two hours were great, Hadn't even peaked when she had to peace out. Proceed to about the 3rd hour where it feels like I am peaking, Great feels, I am in the zone. I feel in one with the world, Happy, can easily solve any problem that enter my mind.

Enter hour four, it Peaks and plateaus for a bit, say fuck it and I light up a couple cowboy killers (Marlboro reds) and chain smoke three. This is where it starts to go down hill quickly. After I finish smoking I try to stand and my body starts to lock up. My arms and legs can't move. However I watch in the scariest way my fingers, tightening side by side into a death grip lock down. I couldn't move my wrist or finger, with my seal hands (for lack of a better term) I open my door and run to the bathroom and somehow manage to get a cold water shower going before I completely lock up. This is Boston in January and my oil heaters arent on in the house except my room to let you know how cold this water was.

After a few minutes my body starts to unlock and I proceed to dry off then it hits me, all the water/Gatorade I've been drinking to stay hydrated comes, the toilet bowl literally overflows with my puke. I flush by I puke for a few good solid minutes thinking I will die from not being able to breath. I lay on my side so if I did puke again I wouldnt choke on my puke.

I passed out and felt like hours if not days had progressed. When I came too it had only been a few minutes. Everything was silent, not even the normal ringing in my ears I usually have. I thought I had died, I kept constantly wondering if I was still actually dying on the floor. All my other sensory perceptions wear normal, so I moved on, called out of work for the next two days.

Still thinking this is all a hallucination and I was slowly dying, I Recovered the best I could, I saw the world differently, just things here. No actually meaning other things to exist. I went out and walk through the city which also seems empty and brumous. I think the moment when I was in the Public garden in Boston alone hit me the hardest. We are all here just to exist, there is no goals, there is no meaning, only to what we assign those values too.

I was still in the mindset of if this is my afterlife, I am going to enjoy it. Right before I went back to work, I bought a motorcycle, I did things to make me happy, I met people, I felt more alive dead then when I was alive. I had this amazing afterglow for thinking I had died. I did this for a couple months until I decide to move back to my home-state. I packed everything in the car and left. When I got to my new home, I went to the airport and flew back to Boston with just my Riding jacket and helmet, I had to leave my bike at my friends house until I came back.

Well I drove the bike home, Over the scenic route home, all 1,800 miles. I went up mountains, down beaches, to cities, bars, slept with people, I wandered on no strict path but in the direction toward my home. I now still miss those days.

I remember the moment reality came back within a split instance, I was in Pennsylvania passing thought penn state, and the one point where the highway met the skyline. A single flash, almost too fast to ever notice, but I knew the afterglow was gone and I in fact was alive. For someone to experience this, I took it quite well. I finish the rest of my trip and went home. For someone who thought he was dead, quit his job, and moved, everything was okay, I knew the sun was still coming up tomorrow and the next day, with or without me.

Its only been about six months from today since that, Still on my mind but I feel grateful it happened, I still see the world differently but for the most, everything is normal, as normal as it should be anyways.

Exp Year: 2014	ExpID: 105255
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 21
Published: Jun 11, 2018	Views: 825
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MDMA (3) : Health Problems (27), Hangover / Days After (46), General (1), Small Group (2-9) (17)