Citation: Oldboy. "The Night Time Broke: An Experience with MDMA & MDA (exp105332)". Erowid.org. Apr 8, 2021. erowid.org/exp/105332
||(powder / crystals)
||(powder / crystals)
We were told the crystals were primarily MDMA with some MDA mixed in. It was my first time with either, but as I later found out, most MDMA rolls are pretty much the same. For this story, I want to focus on the influence of the MDA.
The ratio of the drugs was a mystery, but we each had 200 mg wrapped in tissue parachutes. This was in preparation for a hip-hop show at a local venue. I was a little nervous, but mostly I was just excited to try something new. Up until this point, my drug experience was incredibly limited, and I was ready to start pushing my horizons. The comeup scared me, and I was worried I was going to be locked into the couch I had claimed as my sanctuary, but about ten minutes in I calmed down enough that I was ready to go. The walk to the venue helped kill the fear, and before long I felt ready to take on the night.
All I felt at first was the beginning of a pretty standard roll. We listened to some of the opening act before we went outside to smoke and talk, and gradually I started to feel weirder, like the world was off-kilter in spite of how right everything felt. From inside the venue, I could hear a song one of my friends had just shown me that night, a song he had recorded quite a while ago with some of his buddies. Were they really playing this at the show? Incredible! My spirits were lifted, and we all went back inside to await the main act.
I honestly don't remember much except standing in the dark with my back to the wall, feeling the waves of heavy bass wash over me. I could hear the music, but I was absent, lost in my own thoughts. Actually, lost doesn't quite describe it. I was locked in an ever-growing cycle of individual statements that rotated and built on itself like a carousel gaining one rider at a time.
A B C
A B C D
Even though the end changed, it always led back to the beginning, so it wasn't quite the end at all. The entire string seemed to be one long thought that I would have in the future, which I had the clarity to consciously piece together before I was supposed to. It no longer seemed like a carousel, but a ray that I was moving back and forth on, each time moving further into infinity. I can't remember what exactly I was thinking, but it had something to do with the universe expanding and contracting endlessly, like the lungs of some great immortal being. Every incarnation of reality was essentially the same, defined only by small, inconsequential differences.
I suddenly understood that deja vu was the closest we could come to realizing the truth of the cycle in our sober lives. We feel like we have already been because we have – we simply don't have the power to realize it. This was now the most intense part of the night for me, like my brain was constantly on the edge of cumming but could not find release. I could see the truth, but there was nothing I could do about it. Every time I felt like I could break through the barriers of reality, the horror of my own inadequacy set in. The universe was a machine, and I was but a cog. Everything I was experiencing was preordained, would always be experienced by me with every new birth of the universe. My “enlightenment” was a farce. Life was a trap.
In spite of how all these realizations made me feel, the worst feeling of all was knowing that at the end of the night, everything would go back to normal. I would remain a cog, blissfully unaware of the truth of my surroundings. I can't describe how desperately I wanted to cling to what I had found. My friends pulled me outside to smoke a couple cigarettes, and I tried to articulate my thoughts to them. It was difficult because that feeling of intense deja vu refused to leave. “Even this conversation has already happened and will always happen.” They must have thought I'd lost my mind.
The rest of the night is far too hazy to remember, but the next day I found out that my friend's song had never played at the show.
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