Citation: TheShaman. "Loops of Love: An Experience with MDMA (exp105433)". Erowid.org. Oct 23, 2020. erowid.org/exp/105433
| T+ 1:00
| T+ 3:00
| T+ 5:45
||(powder / crystals)
| T+ 6:40
||(powder / crystals)
Having had a good two years of experience with substances (Weed, Hash, BHO, Codeine, Speed, Cocaine, LSD, Laughing Gas) under my belt and a ridiculous and rather stupid amount of experience with medium dose (75-100 mg) party environment MDMA trips and one large 200mg trip at a bar, I wanted to see just how far I could take MDMA. I’d read a lot about how heavily reliant MDMA is on set and setting and that with just the right amount the drug and the right people and setting you can have a genuine “trip”. I’d snorted MDMA before, still in a party setting, and experienced when I really concentrated or went somewhere quiet for a bit the slight psychedelic effects of MDMA that go beyond the feeling really good and things looking crisper aspects of it.
But, I really wanted to experience them. Be able to revel and get lost in them and enjoy them before being interrupted to go play beer pong or dance.
So I collect four friends, 80$ collectively, and set up our apartment for a good night.
• Blacked out windows to stop outside noise/street lights/morning sun from coming in. Also to warm up the place a bit, since it was -30C out and our heating is shotty.
• Removing all lights and replacing them with fairy lights strung out in a spiral on the ceiling and a few miscellaneous colorful ones on the wall. A lava lamp on the floor.
• Bringing out all our mattresses and laying them on the floor along with cushions, pillows, and blankets. The place became one giant cuddle palace including the couch and lazy boy.
• Crushed ice for us to pop in our mouths to stop the inevitable Bruxism, stay hydrated without over hydrating, and keep us cool.
• And one hell of a playlist that I had been working on for a while. (XXYYXX, Jai Paul, Flume, Explosions in the Sky, God is an Astronaut, Purity Ring, SZA, Maths Times Joy, Henry Krinkle, Odessa, Flume, Jesu, Nosaj Thing, Baths, Gold Panda, SBTRKT, Pink Floyd, Bonobo, Velvet Underground, Teen Daze, Tycho, Disclosure, and tons of other chillwave, gentle EDM bands, or classic trip bands). Anything heavily reliant on good bass line that isn’t annoying club dubstep and is relaxing/almost ethereal to enhance the floating or rolling wave sensation and keep the good vibes going or play with our consciousness.
After having perfected our environment we ate a good meal (it’s around 6:30 pm now). Light, but healthy enough to keep us going throughout the night. I walked down to our dealer's place enjoying the cold air already feeling like it was gonna be a rad night. His dogs greeted me happily and I handed him the 80$ and watched him chip the MDMA off the rock and pop the crystals into 50 mg caps, eventually diverting my attention more towards the dogs.
Upon getting back to my apartment I noticed that it seemed like we had a hell of a lot more than 8 caps of MDMA. I was right. He’d given us 16. For our 80$ we got 160$ of MDMA. It was a collective fuck yes moment for all of us. Even the two who had never tried it before we’re excited about the amount we had. I don’t know how or why it happened, but it did and we were all thankful for the random freebies.
It was time to start our night. I told Friend 3 and 4 to be careful, it being their first time, to start with a half cap, wait a while, and see if they could handle more. I’m fiercely protected of my friends and wanted to make sure they would be safe and having a good time, they protested at first, but after having told them about other friends who did too much their first time they listened. Bad experiences obviously being something everyone wants to avoid.
• Me, Friend 1, Friend 2: 1 cap of 50 mg each of MDMA taken orally as a starting dose.
• Friend 3, Friend 4: ½ cap of 50 mg of MDMA making their starting dose to 25 mg each taken orally.
(4/16 capsules gone)
Normally during any come up I have a bit of a bad experience feeling nauseous and spacey, as does another friend, so we decided to pass the time by putting on Psychic IIIs and play CAH to pass the time and make the transition smoother so we pay less attention to the gross feeling.
Very much to my surprise I’m already started to get that warm fuzzy body high feeling and none of us can concentrate on our game. Because I was, up until then, very concentrated on the game I don’t chalk up the early onset to placebo effect. Everyone else felted it somewhat too. I’d never had MDMA start this quick for me, usually taking an hour or so for me to notice anything, but then again this was a new setting. After about 5 minutes of talking and being surprised with how fast it hit and the growing come up and the lack of attention span that goes with it we abandoned the game.
All of us were feeling pretty good, but without a doubt not high enough. It was time for a re-dose. I handed everyone their respective cap (I was in charge of dosing all night and also making sure everyone was peeing and drinking enough). This is the point where Friend 3 decided I was to be called The Shaman. All of us feeling pretty good found the idea of it hilarious. The laughing pushing our good moods even further. We just all gathered around giggling and smiling as I fished the capsules out of the small baggy which made me notice my depth perception was a little off already
• Me, Friend 1, Friend 2: All take the second cap of MDMA we had paid for. Another 50mg for us each, put our dose now at 100mg.
• Friend 3, Friend 4: Take their other 25 mg half caps. Making their doses now 50 mg each.
(8/16 caps gone)
Brilliance. It’s all I can describe. I was lying on the soft suede couch gently bobbing my head up and down to Maximalist by Baths. The swelling cheery bass and the way the music purposely cuts out like it’s being paused repeatedly (look it up you’ll know what I mean it’s hard to describe) completely playing with my and everyone else’s senses. It feels like I’m lying on a leaf as it slowly sways and drifts through the air like they do when falling to the ground. I’m perfectly aware that I’m not actually floating, but it feels like I am to the point where I want to extend my arms and fly like a bird, I restrain from doing this because I’m not quite high enough to fall that far into the feeling. My euphoria and comfort is through the roof. Never have I ever felt this at peace and happy, every muscle in my body, besides my jaw, feeling utterly relaxed. Even with the heavy jaw grinding, we’re all smiling through this. All of us lying together, a few of us playing in each other’s hair. We all felt a collective state of completely aware of each other but, lost in our empty happy happy heads. Time and the music seem to mend together like water going through a river. It was a beautiful flowing experience of waves coming and going, but never going for long or coming back to roughly. Everything felt incredibly fluid and time and negativity just seemed to disappear completely. My head felt a clearness that I’d never in my life ever had before. The only thing it comparable to is the feeling of right before you fall asleep. But despite how absolutely indescribably great we all felt, we didn’t really felt like we were full on tripping out.
Everything was completely fantastic, but we had extra pills, why not go further? My friends were a little nervous about the idea, afraid of an over-dose. I assured them that all of us being healthy, happy, hydrated, and in control there’d be no over-doses and if anyone wasn’t feeling up to a re-dose it was fine. They all trusted me enough to join me in the re-dose.
• Me: Another 50 mg capsule orally. Bringing my dose 150 mg.
• Friend 1, Friend 2: Decide to split one in half between themselves. Bringing their doses to 125 mg each.
• Friend 3, Friend 4: Took each another half capsule. Bringing their doses to 75 mg each.
(11/16 capsules gone)
12:00 – 1:30 AM
With 150 mg of MDMA in my system I was well ahead of my friends in where I was. Friend 1 and 2 were dancing together to whatever music was playing. Friend 3 was enjoying the sudden new found softness of blankets and Friend 4 was sitting on the couch with me. I remember having issues with my vision at this point. Sizes of things seeming different, colours seeming off in a beautiful way, every few minutes my vision would very rapidly shake bake and forth, before eventually going back to a stable state. My eyelids would drop and eventually close. This was the part that really got me. I’d only ever experienced what was about to happen right before falling asleep not mid high during an intense peak. The reality that I was in disappeared when I closed my eyes. I no longer heard the music or my friends, no longer felt the couch, or was even connected to actual reality. I’d fallen into what I’m fairly certain is a hyper realistic lucid dream. I’m aware of MDMA playing with your serotonin and dopamine and that those affect your dream and sleep cycle. One minute I was on the couch watching my friends dance and be happy with music in the background and a cozy feeling washing over me – next I was in the next room, but instead we were sitting around the table eating the meal we’d made before having the same discussion about the night to come that we had before. Before I realized I wasn’t in reality I snapped back to reality. Utterly confused. How did I go from eating a deja-vu supper with friends to watching them dance? It took a few seconds for me to remember that I was in fact watching them dance, had a flashback of some sort, and then came back to the reality of watching them dance. Woah.
My friend’s must’ve noticed me sitting there quietly and invited me over to dance. Girls by Slow Magic was playing. With my balance being off I sat down to dance, closed my eyes, and sat there snaking my upper body to the music – like a belly dancer would do, but slowly. It felt like every inch of me had turned to air or water or some other kind of free flowing substance. My body was moving so freely and perfectly to the music almost like I was a puppet and the music was controlling me. It was an amazing sensation to say the least and then a subtle, but still noticeable, CEV came. It looked like metallic lines or snakes or cords of some sort moving the same way I was in front of my face. If I opened my eyes they disappeared, but closed, they came back immediately.
“Guys you have to try this!” I said and friend 1 and 2 joined me on the floor in a circle and we held hands, now all of us moving together in a snaking manner, gently pulling on another. My suggestion was met with “woahs” and “wows” and I opened my eyes to peek at them experiencing this with me, the smiles on the faces going from ear to ear. After doing it long enough the CEV slinky snake whatever it was felt like it was beginning to grow or elongate and I with it. It felt like some high power or force was slowly and very comfortably making me grow like a pant. Friend 3 tripped on a blanket and the sound of him falling snapped me and Friend 1 and 2 out of trances immediately. I was almost out of breathe from how good that had felt. But then again, with a dose of MDMA like that, everything felt great. But it could feel greater? Couldn’t it?
I suggest re-dose. Friend 3 being a fan of snorting drugs knowing I was too, suggested we each snort a small line.
• Me: A half capsule, bringing my dose to 175 mg in total.
• Friend 1: A half capsule, bringing her dose to 150 mg
• Friend 2: A full capsule, bringing her dose to 175mg
• Friend 3: A full capsule, bringing his dose to 125 mg
• Friend 4: A half capsule, bringing his dose to 100 mg (friend 4 has a low tolerance to any substance and was in the same state of mine as the rest of us)
(14/5 capsules gone)
Friend 2 and 4 went back to enjoying themselves while myself and Friend 3 gathered around the small coffee table and being the dithering high fools we were spent what felt like a short amount of time (but ended up being 20 minutes) trying to open, crush, make into lines, and roll a bill up. We only used a half a capsule of MDMA to make into lines. Friend 2 decide to join in and we finished the lines. I stood up completely an able to remain what had just happened in the last five minutes and was immediately shot into an intense MDMA peak. At this point it was hard to even know what I felt and I’m not even sure I could feel. Everything felt like a lucid dream or like I was watching reality unfold before me. My eyes were know not just sporadically shaking, but apparently moving like a chameleons eyes. Which explains why I would sometime, not see double, but see just two flat out separate images before they’d eventually crash back together and shake. The lights on the walls appeared as if they were melting and I was falling in and out of lucid dreams, the lucid dreams now being about reality also. I was somewhat freaked out at this point. Completely unable to tell the difference between reality or lucid dream and would get stuff in thought loops. But thought loops about absolutely nothing. It felt like every movement I did was repeated five or six times before completed and to my complete and utter astonishment I even got tracers like on LSD.
Suddenly snapped out of my period of continuous loops and lucid dreams or flashbacks I realized I had to pee, and badly too. I definitely struggled to the bathroom due to the complete lack of depth perception and the feeling of not really being part of the world. Surprisingly enough the pee came easy and it felt like all kinds of built up evils and toxins were leaving my body. I felt at peace again and drawn back to reality from being in the cold quiet brightly light white bathroom of our apartment. You could hear the music over the fan. The fan sounded like it went forever, like the air was being sucked into oblivion. Like if I let the fan pull me I’d be sucked into somewhere great. Somewhere empty and void of existence, but great. I thought for a second that that’s what heaven was. A great nothingness, but then realized how ridiculous my thought was and laughed it off coming back to the reality of it just being a noisy bathroom vent fan. I was enjoying the bathroom. It gave me a sense of calm and killed the overwhelmingness of my high. I was enjoying it, but realized how overwhelmed I was when I was in the living room turned tripped zone. I stayed in the bathroom for a while, thinking about life and everything else that sounded it and the positivity of everything and all the love I wanted to offer everyone. But MDMA being MDMA I got bored and distracted fast. The lines of the tiles looked like they were floating above the actual likes, like if they were having an out of body experience, but if I stepped on them or moved they went back to normal.
I then looked in the mirror. My face incredibly close to the mirror and it looked like the reflection of my eyes went on forever into oblivion like the sound of the fan had before. I washed my hands and the water snapped me back to sobriety. Nothing. It was like static on the radio. Disappointed I grabbed friend 3 and suggested we break open the 15th cap and split it into lines. Friend 4 came and orally took the 16th cap. We only used a half pill for our lines so friend 1 took the other half and friend 2 joined us in the snorting.
Shortly after the snorting, that happening at around 3:15, my memory is entirely blank. All I can recall is the what was going on in front of, but nothing having to do with myself. Like I didn’t exist, like I was an invisible entity watching tv. All I can remember is feeling like my physical body didn’t exist. I was there in thought, but not person. The only physical aspect I remember is the spiral lights on the ceiling spinning like water going down a drain and the walls looking incredibly more distant than they were. It was as if the harder I looked the more the walls grew. I also could really make out sound. I heard it. But understood none of it. The only time anything made sense was if I closed my eyes and fell into another lucid dream. But then I began wondering if when I couldn’t move or understand just simply observe was the lucid dream or if the being normal and able to move and understand was the dream. To this day, a month later, I still don’t know and can’t figure it out. Everything seemed controlled by something else or thought out beforehand. Like if life was just a play or a game of sims. And all the colours now seemed dimmer, darker, like if someone were turning down the brightness of their screen.
I don’t remember anything from the period between everything dimming. Not fully going out or fully going black, just dimming to a lower frequency. It’s a blank period. Like if I had entirely cease to exist. Friend 1 – 4 were too high to take notice of anything other than what was going on with themselves too. I asked them what had happened in the last 45 minutes – an hour and where I’d gone or what I’d done and no one had an answer. There was no way I’d fallen asleep I was standing up and looking at the TV that had a screen saver playing. Weirded out I went to the bathroom again, my chill zone, and upon coming out of the bathroom had once again completely forgotten what’d I’d done, why I was in there, or what had happened while in there. I also didn’t take notice to friend 1 – 4, I could barely figure out my own existence, never mind pay attention to theirs. I felt like I should’ve been scared by this, I knew I hadn’t fallen asleep during that period, cause I’d been sitting up right the first and the second time.
I’m back in touch with reality now and am having minor hallucinations. (Like my legs are hairy like a man’s, or that snow is falling inside, or that the lights are once again melting, the walls are subtly breathing, and there’s subtle trails behind my hands). None of the hallucinations as power or vivid as my LSD ones, but still just barely there enough for me to take notice for the quick second that they last.
We’d all been up for 28 hours now and Friend 4 suggest to try to relax. We unplugged the fairy lights and only left the lava lamp on. Changing the music from chillwave, edm, psychedelic, to Iron & Wine and other bands of the sort to calm all our brains down and drift into sleep. Everyone seem to have calm down immediately, I starred at the ceiling my brain running so fast I couldn’t even remember the last thought I never had the chance to finish. I turned over on my side and looked at my asleep friends. Their faces momentarily going from peaceful sleeping humans to rotting corpses staring at me with dead eyes, before snapping back into peaceful humans. I asked friend 4 if we could switch sides so I could be facing the wall and he obliged. Eventually I managed to fall asleep around 9:30 AM having wildly vivid dreams and the constant sensation of drifting or gently falling or spinning which would wake me up. I also had, just like when trying to fall asleep on acid, the aggravating unending sound of flies buzzing in my ears. But, because this was MDMA and not acid I had more control now that my head was a little clearer and was able to make it stop. I finally fell asleep and woke up at around 3 in the afternoon, still feeling spaced out, but pleasant. My body and my psyche we’re entirely exhausted.
All in all it was a great experience. Absolutely wild and hard to piece together completely. I’d never recommend anyone take an amount like I did. The MDMA we have is strong compared to some of the other stuff in town from other dealers which I’ve all tried. It’s hard to explain MDMA when it gets hallucinogenic, I can’t at all compare it to those of LSD, MDMA hallucinations are a type of hallucination of their own. I’d only once before taken 4 capsules of MDMA and that was at a bar and the experience far less crazy and trippy than this one. I never would’ve thought set and setting could play that immense a role.
It’s going to be a long time before I take MDMA, my brain and body still a month on feel a little off from it all. Most of the snorted doses are guesses, we had MDMA spilled from the splitting of the caps taken orally.
Again MDMA isn’t a toy, and paying careful attention to one's limits and comfort zone and that of others is important.
COPYRIGHTS: All reports are copyright Erowid and you agree not to download or analyze the report data without contacting Erowid Center and receiving permission first.
Experience Reports are the writings and opinions of the individual authors who submit them.
Some of the activities described are dangerous and/or illegal and none are recommended by Erowid Center.