DOSE:

oral

MDMA

BODY WEIGHT:

125 lb

My boyfriend C and I went to the city with our bassist J on a Thursday night. We were going to a PC Music rave, so I dressed in a colorful outfit and wig to match.

J drove us down, and we stopped to meet a friend who was in town for a little bit for some molly. He said that this stuff was better than last time (it was kinda bunk last time, 'moon rocks'), that they used a new recipe, it was tested and 'burned black' so it must be really good.

We said bye and went to a parking garage, and dipped there before stepping out of the car. J opted not to. C and I had about three dips each, with what we thought were roughly equal doses (though who knows, in a car in the dark). The taste was putrid as usual, so I washed it down with some of J’s Red Bull.

We started walking to the club, maybe six blocks away or so. After I'd say ten minutes, I started to feel a compression on the sides of my head, seemingly squishing it in a little from the sides and making my field of vision a little narrower. It was pretty uncomfortable, but I tried to just relax and wait through it because I hoped it would get better. I didn’t want to concentrate on it and have a panic attack. I started to get a headache and felt a little weird in general, which C said was strange because he definitely wasn't feeling anything yet.

We got to the club. I was definitely feeling something by now. C stopped to hand something to the man standing at the front of the line, and with a little stroke of panic I realized that I didn't know what he was doing, but I hoped it was handing out his ID. So I pulled mine out and handed it over, feeling some relief that I guessed correctly. We stepped inside to the ticket counter, which marks the exact moment of crossing the threshold both physically and mentally/visually.

As soon as we stepped inside, I saw tracers off of people's arms and the lights around me, and things were moving in slow motion. C showed the QR code off of his phone to collect our tickets, and I stood there feeling dumb and hoping that nothing was expected of me. There was some sort of problem at first, but it was fixed and we got our tickets. C handed his ticket to the bouncer and stepped through, and I tried to hand mine over but missed his hand because my coordination was a little off. I took a breath and handed it over correctly this time, worrying that he'd know how high I was and kick me out.

Things become kind of a blur at this point, because my reality and how C recounts things to me after the fact don't exactly match up. What I do recall is that after walking in and making a small round of the different rooms, I immediately had to puke. I casually retched on the right side of the pathway and kept going, and while normally I'd be horrified I kept walking and acted like it was no big deal.

Then I realized I needed to puke again. C went to the bathroom, so I let J know where I was going and headed to the women's. The lighting was purplish-blue according to a video I took, though I thought I remembered it being green-blue. Maybe it changed.

Either way, I ended up making at least 3 trips to the bathroom throughout the night, maybe 4 or more as C told me. It all kinda blends together. The first time, (I think?), I ran in and didn't make it to the toilet, instead going in the sink. I stared at myself in the mirror, huge pupils, wondering who I really was. Some vomit was streaming off my face, my wig, my jacket. I took off my wig and hairnet and took out my bobby pins, revealing my inferior still-damp messy hair.

I started trying to wash my face off. A girl stepped out of the stall and (paraphrasing here), asked if I had too much to drink. I guess I said something to the affirmative, and she said that everything was fine, that we're having a good time. She called me pretty, helped wipe off my face, helped me put my things together, and said to keep them safe. At some point she had a water bottle, and placed it in my purse, zipping it up so I wouldn't lose it. (Apparently C had been standing outside the bathroom worried about me because I'd been in there a while, and he handed it to her to give to me.)

She introduced herself as S. She kissed me on my right cheek. I just remember her looking so angelic and beautiful in the light, and her smile and comforting voice inspired confidence in me. She had a look that C later described as part of the 'health goth' trend. She had blond hair, soft-looking skin, a headband, maybe a jacket, an athletic crop-top with a nurse's cross on it, and I think a skirt. She was absolute beauty to me in that moment. I have always joked that I only like looking at girls and that’s as far as my bisexuality extends, but I suddenly realized how attractive she was. She left, telling me something like 'now go have fun!'.

I'm not sure if this part happened before or after, but it is the most vivid and scarring memory for me of the whole night. I went into a stall to try and throw up, but not much would come out. I didn't want to be high any more, I was feeling too in over my head. Suddenly I coughed up some blood. It is one of the worst fears I've ever had in the back of my mind, and it was coming true. I was suddenly convinced that I was about to die in that bathroom stall. I found myself with my hand down my throat trying to make myself puke up everything I had taken, and then I wondered if that was before or after the blood. I didn't even understand of how I had thought to do that, it was all just happening at once with the timelines merging together. It surprised me how deeply I could put my hand in down my throat. Time and realities fused together in a way that wasn't quite linear, so it was all happening at once. I took my hands out and saw the thick, red substance dangling off of my fingers and dripping down into the water. Kneeled over the toilet, I rocked back and forth a little, murmuring to myself over and over 'please, please.'

My teeth started chattering uncontrollably. This is a classic characteristic of molly of course, but I had not experienced it to this scale before (it was my third time taking this kind of drug). My lower jaw was flapping very quickly, independently of my best efforts, and I kept trying to grab it and keep it still.

At another point, I sat down on the bench and looked into a mirror. I remembered that I had my video camera with me. I took a short video of myself to convince myself that I still existed, and kept repeating my own name over and over in some sort of self-validation act. Someone else walked in to the bathroom, so I suddenly became embarrassed and stopped.

I finally came out of the bathroom, after what felt like an eternity. C noticed my jaw clenching, the wild, scared look in my eyes, and the blood that I showed him on my fingers. He said that maybe we should go to the hospital. He looked up symptoms of overdose on his phone, and he said that I matched about half of them. I was feeling very, very warm and we tried to find a place to go outside to cool down, but there were no in's and out's at the club. The best we could do was the smoking area, which was roughly four feet wide in-between two constantly-opening doors. It did not help my anxiety. C took my jacket off of me, which he later told me was completely soaked through with sweat.

I managed to take one more video during the night, of some of the DJ's sets. It's very shaky and you hear some speech. I already have a high-pitched voice, but C said I sounded especially childlike.

I couldn't see straight, because my pupils kept rocketing back and forth in a constant side-to-side motion (nystagmus). It was a little unsettling and uncomfortable, and I just wanted it to stop. I couldn't walk straight very well. C took me by the hand and we were trying to find J to see if he could drive us to the hospital. Unfortunately, J said that he was already a bit drunk, so he didn't think he could drive us.

C said that he was feeling great, so he didn't think the substance was laced with anything. He was feeling the classic good effects, whereas maybe I had just taken too much for me to personally handle. We weigh roughly the same amount, but he is a much more experienced psychonaut than I.

I tried to stop my teeth from clamping down, and I kept thinking about how horrifically obvious I was. I moved my tongue under to stop, but just bit down painfully on it by accident.

We got to the main dance floor, where there were at least some fans pointed down at the dancers. I sat down on the stairs while C traversed through the crowd to the bar, to get some more water for me. Suddenly I looked up, and there were some imposing figures standing over me. One of them was an EMT, and I realized later that the other(s?) were bouncers. C got back in time to see them, with an 'oh shit' look because we thought we were in trouble. Turns out they have an on-site EMT, and they took me into the medical room in the back.

She introduced herself as L, and asked me questions about if I had too much to drink, and I looked nervously at C as if to ask permission. 'Uhh.... not quite,' is something along the lines of what I said. I didn't want to get us in trouble, but I was more afraid of withholding information and dying because of it. I told her what I took , and C confirmed that we both did it.

To my relief, she didn't say anything judgmental. L performed eye tests on me, checked my pulse and my throat, gave me some water, and monitored my breathing. She asked me questions to test my memory and make sure that I remembered who I am and where I was. I apologized several times and thanked her for doing her job. Before I knew it, I had apparently chugged six water bottles in a row before she told me to stop because it was too much. I asked her for a hug, and thanked her again.

She let C sit next to me so we could cuddle and I'd feel better. I remember having a hard time with balance, because my foot kept twitching up and down. I was leaning on the trash can next to me, and I kept leaning my chair back because I couldn't sit still and my head kept reeling. I was obsessively ruffling my hair, constantly pushing my bangs back over my forehead. The bouncer asked if I wanted a hair tie to keep it out of my face, but I assured her that it felt good and I wanted to keep doing it. I was speaking through clenched teeth and still chattering uncontrollably. I kept apologizing, and the bouncer said 'Don't worry, you're not the first, and you won't be the last.'

Our favorite song came on by the one DJ we came to see – this particular musical project’s only song. It was the one performance we came there to see. C begged L to let me out to see that one song, but she said that I had to stay there so she could keep monitoring my vitals. Then we asked 'Pleeeease, this is all we want to see!' so she said 'Alright, and then after this song you have to bring her back!'

We danced out the door and sang the lyrics in each other's ears, me with my arms wrapped tight around his neck because otherwise I felt I would lose him forever in the sea of people. It was a wave of comfort and familiarity in the frightening, vast unknown. We returned to the room. C then realized that we should probably find J and tell him what was going on, so he left his number with L and left to go find J. There was always at least one bouncer in the room with us at any given time. I found myself opening up to L and telling her incredibly personal things about myself.

J returned, exasperated at my state and I suppose the antics that C and I tend to get into. I kept asking periodically if I could go to sleep, because I was so very tired, but L wouldn't let me because she said she had to keep monitoring my vitals. Eventually she told us that I was free to go, that I should keep drinking water/taking it easy but that I shouldn't need any more medical attention. I asked for a second hug and she gave me one.

After my release, we decided to get out of there. I saw S again in the crowd, and I thanked her and she told me to have a good night. She was dancing with people and for a second I wished I could be her. Then I realized how badly I wanted to kiss her, but then I remembered how I had been puking beforehand and how that wouldn't be very nice.

We managed to get back to the car, and I kept asking C if I could sleep and he said it probably wouldn't be a good idea. I told him I couldn't last that long. My teeth kept chattering and grinding hard and I wanted so badly to make it stop. He gave me a cap off a bottle of water to put under my teeth, and it actually helped a lot. He sat in the back of the van with me so I could rest my head on his shoulder. I did pass out for a while, but he had me take the cap out of my mouth at one point so that I wouldn't choke on it.

When we got home, I decided to put a clean sock in my mouth to stop it from moving. In the morning, C pointed out that my pupils were still huge and I was still clenching my teeth while speaking. I also noticed that my mouth/lips kept moving independently of me, and it was disturbing. My jaw/teeth/tongue also hurt like hell. He had to go to work, and I hung out until I had to as well. I spent most of my shift trying really hard to concentrate, and trying to minimize how noticeably still high/weird I was acting.

The next few days were a nightmare for me. I was crying at random times, thinking about the blood in the bathroom stall. I fucked up my tongue and mouth very badly, so for about a week I was in a lot of pain just from drinking, eating or talking. As a result of my chattering, canker sores also covered the left side of my tongue, and the inside of both cheeks. It's was absolute torture. I began taking 5-HTP to help replenish my dopamine levels, as well as lysine, an amino acid that's supposed to help heal the mouth sores/restore the damaged skin. It was very slow-going.

When I tell people my story, they usually laugh. I guess I've just been trying to make light of it and normalize it, but it actually highly disturbed me that the thought of me actually dying was amusing to others. I felt truly alone at that point in time, and it was terrifying and full of nihilism. C made light of my situation at first, but became increasingly concerned because I kept bringing it up and becoming more depressed over time.

It reached a point where I had to confront the pain. C asked me to think back to the worst memory of that night, and shatter it into a million pieces (like a random enemy encounter in Final Fantasy X). And then to take those shards of glass, and send them out to the sun where they'll burn up, taking the negativity out of my head and instead using it as fuel for our life force. I found the idea helpful.

I was very fragile and weak after that night, and in a lot of pain. It gave me some time to reflect. I want to look back and learn from this, but maybe it's also a sign that this kind of thing isn't for me.

I don't know what would have happened if I didn't receive medical attention that night.

Exp Year: 2015	ExpID: 106197
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: 22
Published: Jul 23, 2019	Views: 631
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MDMA (3) : Rave / Dance Event (18), Hangover / Days After (46), Health Problems (27), Difficult Experiences (5)