Syrian Rue & B. caapi
Citation: andalite_rock_chick. "Eight-Hour Ego Nightmare Enter the Void: An Experience with Syrian Rue & B. caapi (exp106273)". Erowid.org. Dec 28, 2017. erowid.org/exp/106273
6 or so syrian rue caps and 12 caps of ayahuasca bark
Me and a new buddy took this together. I had taken acid a few times before, and I knew this experience would be intense, but nothing could have gotten me ready for this. I’d been watching near-death experience videos, ayahuasca experience videos, and doing as much research as I could to find out what the experience would be like. I was expecting to see fractals and talk to gods and experience a higher level of understanding about the universe. I knew I was going to face demons, but I really had no idea what that would be like.
We took the syrian rue about a half hour before taking the root bark. I’m really not sure about the dosages, but the pills were pretty big - like big multivitamin size. As for mindset, it started out positive - we had a fun trip-sitter and some of his friends, and we were just hanging out watching The Pick of Destiny and singing and rocking out to good music and having a good time. I was nervous, but I had a positive outlook about what was going to happen. After waiting a half hour for the syrian rue to be ready, we took the bark caps and kept hanging out and waiting.
It hit my buddy before it hit me, even though I’m a really petite girl - he started saying, “I’m feeling weird,” and said he felt like he was melting into the bed, and he pulled a blanket over himself and looked like he was resting and experiencing whatever it was that he was experiencing. Our sitter kept saying, “You’re feeling NOTHING?” I got spacier every time he asked, started thinking about my family a little bit and wondering if they really loved me, but was starting to wonder if anything would happen, and was feeling a little bummed that not much was happening. I took a couple more caps full of the syrian rue just in case.
Meanwhile, my buddy really started wigging out. He was saying, “Oh my god, oh my god, this is too much…this is too much…no, no, why did I do this....” He kept moaning and started acting like a toddler, kept begging for the experience to stop. He kept reaching out to me and our sitters saying, “Hey.... Will you please kill me? Kill me…. Oh no, I’m dead, I’m deeeead, oh my god, kill me....' He also mentioned creatures crawling all over him. He started babbling toddler-like nonsense at one point and repeating things that our sitter was saying. Sounded like he was in a really bad place. It goes without saying that I was starting to get pretty nervous because the drug was starting to affect me too. I rested under my blanket and closed my eyes and relaxed into a zone of patterns and color that was sort of acid-like, and I just waited.
I don’t know when it came on full force, but oh man, I totally lost it. Everything became terrifying. I started getting freaked out about multidimensional theory and thinking about how the highest dimension is infinite possibility, and nothingness is just the possibility of everythingness
I started getting freaked out about multidimensional theory and thinking about how the highest dimension is infinite possibility, and nothingness is just the possibility of everythingness
, and I felt like our world was this horrible nothing void place and everything was doomed, nothing was real, etc. My friends were trying to give me bottled water, and that sent me off on my conspiracy theory chain, and I was saying, “Why do we have to drink bottled water? That is fucked up…” and started getting it in my head that our country is this war zone and the wool is pulled over our eyes and we could get blown up at any minute, and we have to drink bottled water because there is no pure water anywhere else. Acid has done the same thing to me before too - thinking the government was spying on me from the satellite dish on the neighbor’s house, terrifying stuff.
I looked outside at the trees and they looked like giant aliens, and I thought that the trees were this mighty deities whose world I should never know because I would never understand it. Much more intense than acid - on acid I had watched trees grow branches in this smooth dark spiraling motion, and it was cool and peaceful and beautiful, but this was like looking at scary alien tree gods. I started thinking about insects too, horrible insectoid aliens (even though I really like bugs in real life).
At one point I was screaming out the names of various family members, ranting about my dad, ranting about anime and animals and dragons, ranting about Jesus (embarrassing but I’d watched all these near-death experiences where saying “Jesus” was like a magic word that saved them from hell, and I’d been a Catholic kid for about four years of my life and was trying to draw on the positive energy from that time - although I wasn’t dying, I was just desperately trying to make it stop - and anyway it totally didn’t work, I was just stuck in hell the whole time). I kept talking about the people in my family and how they were beautiful, loving, wonderful people, but I was so psyched out and horrified at the same time. I started thrashing around, wailing at the top of my lungs, screaming, “This SUUUUCKS. EVERYTHING SUUUUUUCKS!!!!” and clutching at people who were trying to hoist me onto the bed, chomping the hell out of my cheek, grinding my teeth horribly loudly, to the point where my friends were saying I had beautiful teeth and needed to stop, that I was going to need some dental work otherwise. I kept screaming, “DOES ANYBODY CARE ABOUT ME? DOES ANYBODY LOVE ME AT ALL? WHY AREN’T YOU HELPING ME?” even though people were trying to help me.
At one point they were pouring water into my mouth while I was lying down, but I started choking a little bit and screamed that they were trying to drown me. I reverted to this crazy feral, infantile state like a wild animal, screaming about how I was a dragon, screaming “FUCK ME” to pretty much whatever guy was trying to help me at the time (even though I am not normally a sexual person like that!!) - UUGH - and they were frantically trying to get me to stop screaming and thrashing around - I felt like I was breaking things, I wanted to break things, I wanted to destroy everything, destroy myself, make the horrible ego nightmare end. My friends kept talking to each other, and it sounded like they were trying to figure out how to get me to be quiet, and I felt like I needed to explode so I just refused to quiet down, and I was paranoid and scared that they were calling the cops for some reason, kept screaming at my friend, “WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME? THIS SUCKS! I HATE YOU! WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?!” and screaming, “AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!! AAAAHHHHH!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!” like death metal-style even though I really needed to keep it down because we were in a quiet neighborhood. My tripping friend had come out of it, and he kept saying, “I am so, so sorry, I am so sorry I did this to you.” (Felt really bad about that, because I know it was me putting the pills into my own mouth and diving into the experience by my own willpower. I just felt like I needed to blame everyone and everything in the world for the horrible experience.) I kept speaking in this really slow voice about the wonderful people in my family too at various points. One of the guys was super-wonderful and was slowly saying things to me like, “All is well. You’re in a safe place with good people….” And I heard that, and I think it helped (even though I continued to go nuts), so I’m glad I had somebody like that around.
I think I had started tripping at 5 or so, and I kept looking at the clock trying to understand time and understand when the thing would be over, and I knew that my sense of time was all stretched out and I was going to be experiencing this for a looong while. I think I was freaking out for a few hours at least - I didn’t feel like I was calming down until about midnight. I felt really embarrassed and bad about all the crazy shit I had said, and I felt like I’d destroyed this guy’s room (although things mostly looked okay). I even pissed my pants, man. They told me there was a point where I was bleeding from my mouth and they were really scared (I had been chomping my cheek so damn hard). My buddy was worried that I had brain damage. It was a horrible fucking ego nightmare.
And then, when it started getting better, it got a LOT better. So much better that I was actually glad the whole thing had happened (although it was hard to hear people recalling some of the things I’d said, and I felt so, sosososo bad about thrashing and possibly breaking things and attacking those nice guys). I started daydreaming about positive changes I could make in my life - taking better care of my cats, spending more time with my family, and all of that. It was the most terrible and powerful experience I have ever had in my life, a nightmare I thought I would be trapped in forever, but when I got out I felt refreshed and new and optimistic (not to mention tough as nails). I felt at peace, more so than I had felt before I’d started tripping, more peaceful than I’d felt in a long time. I didn’t go to sleep until the sun had come up, just kind of sat there thinking happy thoughts (and trying to fend off some uneasiness that was hanging around). I felt anxious when everybody woke up and I wanted to go home rather than hang out - felt like I should just disappear from their house for a while. I slept from 8 am to about 9:30 am and then felt ready for the hour-long drive home. Took a nice nap at home with my cat, chatted with one of my roommates for a while and tried to send him good vibes, mentioned that I was going to try to be a more positive person around the house.
One thing I’d kept saying during my trip was, “Why would anyone do this? Drugs are horrible….” But I feel really conflicted about that because I took away what feels like a super-healthy mindset. I feel like I passed through hellfire and emerged as a shiny jewel. It was insane, man, I went totally nuts. I want to tell others to be careful, but I really don’t know how one can be careful about it. I felt really overstimulated - maybe that was how it all happened - I think some people were trying to watch TV or turn on the lights or something and it was all just too much for me to handle. Good that I was in a place where I could go absolutely banshee insane and not scare the neighbors. Natural light good, but that can be intense too. MAKE SURE OTHER PEOPLE ARE THERE TO TAKE CARE OF YOU. I'm a cerebral person who gets tripped out about things like multidimensional theory even when I'm sober. It ALL came at me.
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