DOSE:

100 mg

oral

Pharms - Tramadol

(pill / tablet)

BODY WEIGHT:

175 lb

I've just come off an Ultram bender, and it's time to describe it in an even-handed way.

Ultram, you beautiful little bitch. You're a reliable old lover -- we know our way around each other, don't we. And it's fun being with you -- until it isn't. And it can be hard to know exactly when that line is crossed.

I love opioids. This must have something to do with my personality -- I'm serious, even brooding, and prone to worrying. It's 24-hour weltschmerz, the complete works of Bataille and Deleuze read backwards to the accompaniment of doom metal.

But there's a way I can change my feelings: just take a little pill. Amazing. That first feeling when it comes on -- that sudden lightness -- feels like such blessed relief. At last, a lessening of my load: the cure for all that ails me. For 2 decades, I've had off-and-on love affairs with every opioid available in pill form, right up to Dilaudid. To a pillhead, Ultram is kind of a cheap contender, but I find it serviceable, and the reasonable price and easy availability online make it a good cheap date.

I'll start with one 50mg pill one night. Ah, that old familiar lightness! Then another the next night. A few days later, I'll be taking 2, which is where the fun starts. (I know to take it on a full stomach, and to take a dose of miralax every night before bed; no need to deal with constipation.)

And then it's weeks later when things start to get raggedy-ass. Or is it months? Who can say? It's a blur. My memory feels shot. The scribbles in my checkbook look unfamiliar. Do I have an appointment today? Am I behind in my commitments? Here's the key point: there's a cumulative effect to opioids, a screwed-up psychological wave that the literature doesn't do justice to. And it sneaks up on me, a little bit each day. It's like the story about the frog in a pot of water. The temperature rises so slowly, you hardly notice that you are being boiled alive.

So what I'll do is take a break. Cold turkey. The days that follow are dead and severe. Depression sets in. Life is now absent any passion, or drive, or purpose. I know this part of the walk. It's a march through a snowstorm: keep the head down, put one foot in front of the other. Man up, soldier on. And I must keep repeating this, even though I can't see my destination and have no indication that it's even out this way. About a week later, my brain returns, in bits and parts and sputters.

Right now, I'm 5 days into sobriety, and just starting to get my forward momentum back, and a little vision of how I might make a happy life on this forsaken rock hurtling through emptiness.

I just checked the prices online. It's still quite inexpensive.

Exp Year: 2015	ExpID: 106372
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 46
Published: Mar 27, 2019	Views: 1,004
[ View PDF (to print) ] [ View LaTeX (for geeks) ] [ Swap Dark/Light ]
Pharms - Tramadol (149) : Unknown Context (20), Depression (15), Addiction & Habituation (10), Retrospective / Summary (11)