Citation: Gaygoat. "My Death Was Imminent: An Experience with LSD (exp106386)". Erowid.org. Oct 17, 2019. erowid.org/exp/106386
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I got my tabs from a really good guy. They were pure and white; 100ug each. I had been wanting to try psychedelics for a few weeks before this trip, and my dad was okay with me doing them as long as I was a safe environment the first time. The event happened late in the afternoon on a Saturday and early in the morning on a Sunday (October 18th-19th, 2014).
I took the first tab at 6PM at my parents house, then the waiting game followed. My dad and I talked about his past experiences with psychedelics in the meantime for some extra mental preparation. About an hour went by and the chemicals weren’t having an effect on me. Then at around 7PM my body started feeling warmer, with a slight euphoric sensation hitting me. I just felt happy to be around my family and thought everything was great. The only problem was that the acid wasn’t hitting me. I was under the impression that after an hour I would start seeing the walls melt, and my dad was thinking the same thing.
So, foolishly, my dad told me to take the second tab because he thought the acid wasn't strong enough
foolishly, my dad told me to take the second tab because he thought the acid wasn't strong enough
, which was one of a few mistakes that happened during the course of my trip. Immediately after I took it, I started seeing the ceiling in the dining room move around. The texture on it resembled sand, and the way it was moving looked like sand shifting on the beach. It was cool, so I started wandering around the house looking for more things to observe. Strangely enough, the oriental pattern-filled rugs around our house were doing nothing for me, and I never ended up paying attention to them in the long run.
At 8PM the visual effects really started kick in. I could see the patterns on the walls and ceilings around my house slowly moving and I loved it. The plants were also slightly breathing up and down. I also went outside to the backyard where my dad was building a bonfire. We live right next to a park, and since it was getting dark the lamp posts were illuminating the branches and leaves on the trees. Many people report seeing the trees “breathing” on while tripping, but I just saw them constantly melting, which was interesting enough for me. All these things I was seeing were what I was hoping for when experiencing LSD and, honestly, that’s all I really wanted out of it. Of course, I found out the hard way that visuals are not entirely the point of psychedelics, but I’ll get to that later.
I went back inside the house, and things started turning really difficult. One thing I should point out here was that even though I was eager to try acid and research as much about it as I could, I still had a few misconceptions. As profound and eye-opening the experiences you think about as a result of the drug are, these experiences may simply be manifestations of these misconceptions of what the drug is about, and they can sneak up on you and make your trip take a turn for the worst.
It began when I looked at my cat and picked her up. Sitting down on the couch with her gave me my first “enlightened” experience. As I was petting my cat I basically thought: “my cat is meat. I eat meat. I wouldn't eat my cat.” I’ve had these thoughts plenty of times before but this time I got a pit on my stomach while thinking about it. “Why should I eat other animals if I wouldn't at my cat?” It didn’t make much sense either because my parents have tripped literally thousands of times while touring with the Grateful Dead and they still eat meat. I didn’t like these thoughts at all because I didn’t want to give up eating meat either. I had a Burger King a few days after this trip though so I guess it wasn't a problem for me, haha. But yeah, not saying being vegetarian/vegan is wrong at all, it’s just a diet I choose not to partake in. These thoughts basically went away within a few minutes too, but the negativity that came with them stayed with me.
I went back outside to my dad and I could see the quantum strings that make up the fabric of the universe in the air. Then I looked up at the clear night sky and I could see small red dots orbiting around the stars, which I perceived to be planets. This was my favorite visual effect of the drug and I actually asked my dad if those planets physically existed, and he said “it’s your third eye seeing celestial bodies orbiting around the stars” which may or may not be true, but I digress.
At this point all the visual aspects of the LSD became completely meaningless to me and I started diving into the really metaphysical shit. The concept of free will and predestination came into my train of thought. In my head, I saw a web. This web was the web of existence; the web of all living things on Earth, and in this web were an infinite number of paths that I could take in my life. The way I was seeing it was the path I was currently taking was brightly lit up, highlighted you could say, while every other path was dim and sort of faded out. Each and every path was heading toward something. I guess this would be God, but my father calls this “The One.” I call it “The Great Attractor” because it wasn’t a single entity. It was just… a force. A force that I wanted to be a part of. I thought back to the many times sceptics have said that psychedelic effects are all in your head, and how mathematics were the only true way of mapping out the universe, but what I was experiencing was indescribable even by the most complex of mathematics. I asked my mom and dad how long they knew about the Great Attractor, and honestly I forgot what they said because I was too engrossed in my own thoughts. The funny thing is that my dad reminded me of a shaman while he was standing in front of the bonfire he made, which made me have another epiphany: “that’s why shamans exist, the want to be a part of the Great Attractor while still alive on Earth.” In a nutshell, I concluded that the whole point of living was to discover the Great Attractor, and that once you knew the Great Attractor’s existence, you die.
I started to get scared here; extreme panic and anxiety started engulfing my body, and this was near the peak of the trip at around midnight. In my mind I was saying “yeah, I discovered the meaning of life, but that doesn’t mean that I want to DIE right then and there so close before my 19th birthday. I wanted to experience the world we live in before I pass on to the next plane of existence.” A trillion and one more thoughts started entering my head: “Oh God. OH GOD! I’M BECOMING TOO ENLIGHTENED! THE GREAT ATTRACTOR WANTS ME TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK AND DIE SO I CAN BE A PART OF IT! I CAN SEE MY PATH IN THE WEB OF EXISTENCE BECOME MORE AND MORE ALONE BECAUSE NO ONE HAS EXPERIENCED THIS LEVEL OF ENLIGHTENMENT BEFORE! NOT EVEN IN THE 60s! PLEASE STOP PLEASE STOP PLEASE STOP!” Keep in mind that these were all internal thoughts. Externally, I was trying to keep as calm as I possibly could so that I wouldn’t freak out my parents, even though there was a battle in my mind between calling 911 or not. I was CONVINCED that I was going to die. Thinking now, this was probably the ego death everyone refers to.
I was CONVINCED that I was going to die. Thinking now, this was probably the ego death everyone refers to.
Nothing was calming these feelings down. I took a walk around the park, I listened to music, I tried eating and drinking, my mom gave me a massage, nothing worked. According to my thoughts, every thing I found pleasurable on Earth became meaningless, and they were merely distractions from dying and becoming a part of the Great Attractor. My thoughts made me think that my parents (mostly my mom) were lesser beings for not achieving as high a level of consciousness as I was. To tell you the truth, they weren’t being very good babysitters in the first place, focusing more attention on the Notre Dame game than their son who is tripping his balls off, lol. Anyway, this negative thought loop just kept going on and on, and time seemed to be slowing down rapidly. It felt like I would never get out of this trip.
Thankfully, this was the point where I started entering my coming down stage, which probably around 2AM. I told my dad that I wanted to walk along my town’s main street (I live in a big 10 college town and attend said college, too) because I was still having a plethora of paranoid thoughts like “oh shit maybe this type of trip is something only people my age have experienced so if I engage with other college kids they would understand what I’m feeling,” so we did. It was a Saturday night/Sunday morning, so the street was in fact packed with college kids. Along with my panicked thoughts of some imminent force killing me (seeing a near collision while crossing the street didn’t help that at all), I began experiencing auditory hallucinations for the first time. As I was walking, I could hear and decipher EVERYONE’S conversations. I can’t remember anything specific, but I could literally hear what everyone in a bar across the street from me was saying. It was interesting, and one of the few other silver linings that happened on my otherwise terrifying trip. We bought some treats at a convenience store and went back home.
Not much else happened that night. I remember my dad driving me back to my dorm and then to the lake and talking to him about how scary my trip was, but at that point my anxiety really started coming down. It wasn’t until 4:30 or 5AM when I went back home and slept in my parents’ bed. I actually did fall asleep too, but only for 5 hours. When I woke up I grabbed my belongings and went back to my dorm room.
Well, there you go. The trip was a mindfuck and life changing experience, but I really don’t know if I want it to be life changing. Maybe they can be therapeutic for some people, but all it made me do was question the nature of time and reality way too much. I also had panic attacks from smoking weed because it takes me back into that fear-driven tripping mindset. I have experimented with stuff like mushrooms and MDA as well, with most of those experiences being pretty good, but I just think I’m done with psychedelics forever.
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