Citation: Captain. "Blended Emotions: An Experience with MDMA & 5-HTP (exp107342)". Erowid.org. Oct 13, 2020. erowid.org/exp/107342
My first time doing MDMA was riddled with mistakes, and ended up being both incredibly euphoric and enjoyable, as well as rock-bottom terrifying and depressing.
Let me start off by saying I was raised with and believed the “drugs are bad, end of story” mentality. I smoked weed maybe once a year in high school; one time out of a bong which I absolutely hated and turned me off drugs in general for a long time. I drank the occasional martini that my mom would get me to make us, which I enjoyed quite well, and I remember the first time I got pretty buzzed was when I was 17. The first time I got black out wasted was when I was 18.
Almost all my friends had tried ecstasy before the end of high school (something I thought was beyond stupid) and almost everyone I knew smoked weed occasionally (once a week/couple times a month). I started smoking weed more once I graduated, and ended up enjoying it, but realized how much of a lightweight I was after greening out (and puking) two or three times pretty easily.
So to sum up my life with drugs before I was 20, it was practically non-existent. Smoked a joint less than once a month, however I did drink more often than not, but not excessively at all.
My friends had gone to a couple raves without me, inviting me both times, but me turning them down because I was just unsure about the whole rave scene, with “hard” drugs and everything. From what I was told by adults and the media, raves were overall bad places to be, so I wanted nothing to do with them.
However my best friend practically begged me to come to one of the biggest ones of the year in our city, so I ended up buying a two-day ticket thanks to a mutual friend who couldn’t make it.
This may be important (but probably won’t be) later on for the sake of the story and atmosphere, but I accidentally gave myself a buzz cut while attempting to touch up my hair a week prior, so I looked kind of ridiculous, as my hair has never been shorter than a couple inches.
I knew I would take MDMA that weekend. And that was about all I knew. This was my first huge mistake. I did literally zero research on… well, anything. My friend said “we’ll do some m” and I said “k neat,” or something along those lines, and left it at that. I however don’t completely regret not doing research, as this whole experience has taught me to look up the chemical compounds, read good and bad trip reports, what to expect, how to deal with bad situations, how to test substances, what to take after to help the hangover, etc. But I still made a big mistake by not doing any research.
The day of the rave, my body decided to be an asshole and develop a fever. The tickets weren’t cheap, but I was more concerned about ditching my friends yet again, so I forced myself to get up and shower and clean up. My dad took me to the doctor, and somehow by the time I arrived, my fever had almost completely disappeared. I told the doctor I was going to a rave, and he said I’d be fine as long as I don’t drink anything or take any drugs. Well thanks for the advice, doc, but I think I’ll just do what I want. Again, mistake.
I ended up meeting my friends at about 4pm at the hotel we got right beside the venue. All I had was a black t-shirt and jeans, while they had spirit hoods, loads of kandy, sunglasses, and other rave stuff. I felt like an outcast from the get-go, even though these were really good friends of mine. I ended up getting a pair of pinhole sunglasses from a friend from his last rave, so I didn’t feel too out of place.
At about 6pm we left the hotel and made our way to the venue. My best friend (let’s call him D) claimed to have “the best m you could find.” My other friend (let’s call her S) claimed to have some pretty good stuff, but it took a while to kick in. She ingested hers (as a powder in a cap), then and asked if I wanted one. Without hesitation, I said sure and took it. D took his own at the same time, about 6:30pm. I found out later (like last month) that these caps were about 120mg, as they were packed so tight.
Like I had mentioned earlier, it was the end of December, and couldn’t have been more than two degrees out. Luckily we live in the only city in North America where there’s no snow in the winter, so it wasn’t too cold, but all I was wearing was a t-shirt and jeans.
We got into the venue (which holds about 60,000 people) just after 7pm. After we got through security, we walked to the bleachers to form a meet-up spot in case someone got lost or separated from the group. By then it was about 7:30 and D asked me if I was feeling anything. I felt kind of strange, but not “high.” I had no idea what to expect, but I tried to just flow with it. D told me what would happen – the euphoria, happiness, lights will look cool, feeling things in general will be awesome, etc. He also said his had kicked in and he was feeling pretty good. He was smiling a lot, which I thought was funny.
S came up to me and said she didn’t feel anything, and asked if I felt anything. When I said no, she took another and asked if I wanted another. I (one of the good decisions I made) opted out, and said I’d just wait for mine to kick in to see what it’s like.
I had never been to a rave (or a club with “dancing” other than jumping up and down a bunch), so I had absolutely no idea what to do. D had perfected some kind of quickstep or something, I’m still unsure as to what it’s called, and my other friends looked so natural while doing whatever they were doing. I tried jumping around and moving my legs but I thought I just looked awkward.
At about 8:00pm, D came up to me and said he’s going to take another one of his, and asked if I wanted one. I thought about it for a second – he took one when I took one, so if I take one the worst case scenario is we both end up really high? Plus the one I took obviously isn’t strong as I don’t feel a thing yet. So it should be safe, plus I’m with friends so they’ll help just in case something goes weird.
So I took another 120mg cap an hour and a half after taking the first.
About 10 minutes later, D turned to me and said he had hooked up with a girl I was kind of seeing (but recently broke up with) and he had never felt so horrible in his life. Him and I go back to the first day of kindergarten, when we were both barely five years old, and we had hung out practically every day for years straight until we both got jobs and we both moved to separate parts of the city. At first I felt pretty bad, but I was able to brush it off pretty quickly. He took me closer to the main stage so we could dance and forget about everything. He kept telling me how much he loves me as a best friend and he doesn’t ever want our friendship to end and he’s so sorry, and I was basically like “yeah it’s cool, let’s go dance.” I was unaware that he was high as hell and I had no idea why he was so hung up on it after I said it’s fine.
About 20-30 more minutes passed and I started to feel weird. Incredibly dizzy.
I didn’t have the knowledge then, but I do now, and I’ll explain it briefly. S’s MDMA takes about 2 hours to kick in. Something to do with the release capsule, I’m not sure, but it takes about 2 hours. D’s cap takes about half an hour to forty minutes to kick in. So do the math quickly; 2 hours for my first one to kick in, and I take another an hour and a half in, which takes half an hour to kick in. And on top of that, at the time I was only about 150lbs. So that’s pretty much 240mg of “the best m you could find” at once, for a lightweight’s first time.
I started to see stars and I could hardly stand up. My legs went incredibly weak. I wanted to say “I have to sit down,” but all that came out was al oud sigh. I managed to walk to our meet-up spot in the bleachers and sit down. My head fell backward and I felt like I was going to vomit. D ran after me and sat next to me, I think oblivious to my incredible discomfort at first because he was laughing saying how sweaty he is. He then asked if I was okay and I couldn’t even talk. I tried to say “no” but it was just a grunt. D became a little concerned and tapped me and told me to get up so we could get some water. I couldn’t even think about moving, as the entire venue was spinning and the lights were filling my vision, and I felt like I was going to puke any second.
I had never really fainted before, but I felt like I was blacking out. I couldn’t see anything, and the faint lights I could see seemed either really far away, or shooting all over the place. I was incredibly scared but at the same time felt like I didn’t care if I would die, as there’s no point to much of anything. It was a strange feeling. My emotions were torn between fighting to stay conscious and giving up and ending it all.
D started to walk down the stairs to the floor and toward the water fountain, yelling at me to follow him. I didn’t want to be alone, strangely enough because I didn’t want security or police to see how fucked up I was and arrest me or something, so I forced myself to get up – probably one of the hardest tasks of my life. I followed D to the fountain, the world turning and spinning, and my eyes half closed. I vividly remember walking behind D, taking steps forward, but to the left then to the right and back to the left again, all the way to the fountain. I didn’t care what anyone thought, I just wanted to do what D was telling me to do.
I don’t remember getting to the fountain or drinking water at all, but I did. What I do remember however, is one guy by the fountain telling me to get in front of him because I looked really fucked up, and I remember feeling so happy that people would do something like that for somebody.
I don’t remember a hell of a lot for the next two hours or so, but I know I felt a lot better. D and I made our way to the front of the main stage and all of a sudden my pants felt amazing against my legs. I was so happy, my jeans felt so good and I couldn’t stop rubbing them. By then my shirt was off, I don’t remember when I took it off, but it was tucked into my belt.
I probably rubbed my jeans against my legs for a good five minutes before D pulled me away to go sit down again. Him and I sat down with our group of friends in a circle and all held hands and closed our eyes. I had never thought I’d be one of “those people,” but it was amazing and euphoric and just… I can’t explain how good of an experience it was. It just felt like this was what was meant to be.
There was also an instance where a friend massaged my shaved head, which was the best fucking thing on Earth. Usually I’d be kind of weirded out or uncomfortable if a guy touched me in any way other than a handshake, but I couldn’t get enough of this. It just made us feel like closer friends, and was an overall good feeling.
The next thing I remember is being back in front of the main stage again. I seemed to know everybody. Seriously, I ran in to probably two dozen people I knew in like half an hour. I knew their first and last names too, which was incredibly weird because at the time I sucked with people’s names. Then I realized that half of those people…. Actually weren’t who I thought they were. I would go up to random people and ask if they’re (first and last name) and say it’s been a while, and shake their hand, and they’d be like “sorry man I don’t know you” and I’d insist that I knew them.
It was kind of disappointing coming to this realization and I was confused as to how they weren’t that person I knew.
I had absolutely no idea what time it was, and I totally forgot about the music altogether (I don’t know how, as whenever I take MDMA now I can’t do anything but focus on the music), and there were a few pretty big name DJ’s there.
I can’t remember much of the rest of the night, but I ended up ingesting another 120mg cap. Which I guess didn’t turn out that bad, but at the same time didn’t turn out too good either as I honestly can’t remember a single thing after probably 9:30pm, and the rave went on until 1am.
Actually, what I do remember is chewing my tongue and cheek and thinking I had gum which was really just saliva from a really dry mouth. One of my friends actually gave me their gum to help. He was chewing it, and bit it in half and gave me half of what he had been chewing. Sounds weird but even now I know how that made me feel – I was so happy that someone would do that for someone else.
I don’t remember leaving the venue. I don’t remember walking back to the hotel. I remember it was cold, but I don’t remember… well, anything other than that. I don’t remember getting back to the hotel.
What I do remember is it was about 4am all of a sudden. I was lying on this piece of horse shit sofa in the main room of our suite, with two of my friends sleeping on the floor next to me. I kept seeing red yellow and orange lights flying around the ceiling, kind of like spotlights. I didn’t know if they were really there or not, but I absolutely could not sleep for the life of me.
The guys on the floor ended up getting up at 5am and taking a taxi to one of their places to get an actual sleep, which was about a 40 minute drive, even at that time. I don’t blame them.
I honestly, for the life of me, cannot remember what I did that Saturday. All I remember is taking one 200mg 5-HTP pill when other people got up (I didn’t sleep at all, I don’t think) and did the same. Again, I didn’t ask any questions, they just said “it helps with the hangover,” which I was confused about because I didn’t have one. I don’t remember getting back to the venue 10 hours later, either.
However I do remember it being about 7:30pm when I took my first 120mg cap, from D, that night - my fourth if we count the ones from the first night.
And I made the big mistake of texting the girl D had hooked up with and asking if we could talk. I don’t want to go into great detail, but she ended up being there the second day, and we met up and talked. Which was basically consisted of me moping around while she went into detail about what she did with D and why she did it and that she hopes we could stay friends. I couldn’t muster up the courage to really do anything, probably being burnt out from the night before and the first cap from tonight hitting me, so I didn’t say a hell of a lot, which irritated her because it was her first time doing MDMA too, and she didn’t want to have a bad trip. So she gave me a hug and left with her friends, and I walked back to my friends in front of the main stage.
For about half an hour I stood practically still and hardly moved while my friends danced and jumped around. Another friend, let’s call him A, told me to just start jumping and dancing and pretty soon my mind will go blank and that’s all I’ll be paying attention to.
So I did that, and whattayaknow, it worked! I was feeling great right away and took my shirt off and jumped and “danced” and had a great time. I took another 120mg cap at around 10:00pm, which felt absolutely amazing. My pants felt great like from the night before, I couldn’t stop smiling, I talked to anyone I saw, I gave my friends hugs and reminded D that I wasn’t mad at him and that I’m glad he’s my best friend. I even met up with some old coworkers who I hadn’t seen in ages. It ended up being an amazing night.
I left to go back to my place instead of the hotel at about 12:00am, to give myself enough time to get my stuff from coat check (don’t remember leaving it there originally) and get home safely.
Although I spent the majority of my time in the area, I had no idea how to get to the train for some reason. It was quite cold, being the end of December, so my high was wearing off pretty quickly, but I still felt strange. I ended up walking up to a group of cops (no idea what I looked like at the time), and saying, “hey, I’m from here, but for some reason I can’t find the train… can you point me in the right direction?” And without missing a beat, the cops smiled and pointed toward the train.
I don’t remember the train ride at all. But I do remember the bus ride, and every kind of noise I heard I thought was music. It was cool but strange at the same time, as I had never experienced anything like this in my life.
A couple other friends knew I had gone to my first rave and tried MDMA, and they called and asked me to come over so they could see how messed up I look.
While crossing the street – a huge street, incredibly busy during the day but dead as hell at night – I swore on my life I saw ambulance lights and heard a siren zoom toward me from my side, and it made me jump. However nothing was there.
I ended up at my friend’s house and they both laughed and told me to look in the mirror. My pupils were huge. I thought it was hilarious because I thought it was just an exaggeration when cartoons (like Brian from Family Guy) had huge pupils, but holy shit it really happened! Cool.
My friend talked me in to taking a bong toke, which to this day I still don’t know if it was a good or bad idea, as weed apparently calms you down and helps you sleep and relax after doing MDMA.
I got home soon after, and my girlfriend was sleeping in my bed. I got to sleep and had a pretty decent sleep, actually.
The Sunday after everything, I felt fine. No headache, nausea, depression, anything. I felt pretty exhausted from the weekend but other than that I was fine.
Monday, on the other hand, was a fucking nightmare, and the worst I’ve ever felt in my whole life. It’s been nearly a year since this happened, but I can remember every event vividly. I woke up feeling… off. I couldn’t tell what it was, but it was just strange. I worked at 2pm (thank fuck for that), and it was about 9am when I woke up. Something hit me when my girlfriend turned over and put her arm around me, and I started crying. I didn’t know why at first, but then I started thinking sad thoughts. Nothing really in particular, just… general sadness. I cried. I wept. I bawled my eyes out. I didn’t know why and I didn’t know how to stop. My girlfriend was kind of scared, thinking I had done something horrible, but I could hardly talk. I just cried. I felt absolutely horrible. I cried for about two full hours, non-stop, until I forced myself to get up and take a shower. After my shower I stopped crying, kind of got my mind off things, and walked downstairs to make breakfast.
Then it really hit me.
I was depressed. I knew as soon as it happened. I was sad earlier, I had one emotion to hang on to. I could tell now, I had absolutely nothing. I felt like nothing. Life was meaningless and I was going to be like this forever. I wished life would just end. I paced back and forth in my living room with my hands on my face, not knowing what to do with life. I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t be angry. I was rock-bottom, zero emotion, zero energy – nothing.
I tried texting D, but I couldn’t without feeling like I was hurting myself somehow by talking to him.
So I called my dad, and I still wish he had picked up so he didn’t have to listen to the fucking voicemail I left him. “Dad… I don’t know what to do… I’m sorry…. Please call me back. I love you.” He knew right away what was going on when he got my voicemail, but it was a few hours from then.
I then called A, a friend who is incredibly smart when it comes to drugs and how to stay safe, healthy, etc. Right away he said he knew what to do but to text him. He told me about 5-HTP, so I left instantly without eating breakfast, to the nearest drug store.
I surprised myself when I forced myself to go to work, and I actually didn’t feel horrible the rest of the day. My dad picked me up from work and gave me the “drugs are bad mkayy” talk. In all honest though, he went to Woodstock and has done his fair share of drugs. He’s intelligent and understanding when it comes to the subject, so we actually did have a good talk, which was nice.
I took 5-HTP that night again, and again the morning after. However the morning after, while on the bus, I was unable to talk to D via text, as I would instantly start crying. I was unable to talk to anyone really, without tearing up. At work I had to focus on the computer and getting work done so my mind wouldn’t wander and start to make me cry. This persisted every day until about 4pm, for a good week. I lost 10lbs that week from not eating much of anything.
Eventually I felt better. There were a couple days in there when I’d see my mom and instantly start crying and just not be able to talk to her. It was without a doubt the worst week of my life. I understand what depression really is. It isn’t “being really sad,” it’s “being really nothing.” I felt like nothing, and like I was empty inside. However after a week I really did feel fine again.
So all in all… I could have done a hell of a lot more to prepare. The first time is apparently the best, but this was definitely not the best. It was far from it. Even the rave experience, there were incredibly joyful, fun parts to the two nights, but they were easily countered with horrible, mood-destroying parts. I’ve done MDMA again, several times, and taken 5-HTP after, which is a life saver. Zero depression in the week after.
I learned my lesson from this experience. When using MDMA now, it’s one of the most amazing, happy experiences of my life, and if others wish to experience it, just… make sure you know what you’re doing.
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