Citation: MNTR. "Still in Absolute Awe That I Could Feel Like That: An Experience with DMT (exp107550)". Erowid.org. Apr 24, 2021. erowid.org/exp/107550
First DMT Experience From an Analytical View
Iím writing this as of one week after my first experience. Itís important to me to note a couple of things before I begin. Firstly, Iíve not had any experience with psychedelic drugs prior to this experience, nor any drugs at all other than regular recreational cannabis use. I have never smoked cigarettes, and I drink socially. I should also add that on this occasion I smoked it twice consecutively, first a ďslightly smaller than average amountĒ then with about 5-10 minutes break afterwards followed by an ďaverageĒ amount. (I donít have specific dosage measurements.)
Secondly, I went into this with a specific interest in the positive mental health attributes that have been observed by others.
I went into this with a specific interest in the positive mental health attributes that have been observed by others.
I should note that I had developed some fairly persistent social anxiety from the 3 darkest years of my life about a year and a half prior to now, which though I had overcome, the life issues had left me with this persistent anxiety, and I was curious to what effect, if any, it would have on this.
Third, I should also note that I am a massive purveyor of science, and wanted to come at this from as objective a standpoint as I possibly could, both because Iíd researched it long before the decision to actually seek out the experience was made, and because I wanted to try to be able to present whatever I came back with in as rational a way as possible (Hah, I know, right?). I also made it a point to record everything I could afterwards, which I find was a good idea as it feels like itís managed to stick a bit better than Iíve heard of by some peopleís accounts.
We were in a nice house up in the mountains, my friend and I had just run in from the cold winter winds that were quite billowy that day. Iím a fan of neat, yet kind of dim lighting in places, it just gives it a good feel to me, and this house was like that which I found a bit comforting right off the bat. I was quite nervous and cautiously optimistic leading up to this, as I had done my research prior and new that I was in for something that I couldnít possibly have imagined, which is of course completely accurate. I should also note that the timing leading up to the experience felt absolutely perfect as well. It felt like an existential culmination was occurring within me, and it was much stronger than most of my daily ins and outs, to the point that I had quite easily noticed it, and had also sent my sister messages telling her this as well. Iím kind of comforted in a way by the fact that I can see those messages, as in some ways I still canít believe that this all actually happened, and itís a bit like a further confirmation for me.
I smoked what I was told was a slightly smaller than normal amount of n-n-DMT that I believe to have been quite pure as it was very nearly white in colour, bedded with a small amount of cannabis and a smoke-able herb to fill out the cone. There was loud, but ambient music playing, which was very peaceful and calm for the most part. It took me at least 5 minutes to work myself up to the point of smoking it. I laid back on the couch, keeping my breathing in mind, and feeling mostly very relaxed. When it started, I noticed that there was a distinct weirdness to the room, though I couldnít figure out exactly what it was about it. My friend recommended that if you close your eyes youíre able to explore it, and my eyes began to feel heavy. I said to him ďWeird shit is happening.Ē
This is the point at which visuals began for me. I was shocked by the almost immediate incomprehensibleness of it all, and I was largely taken back by just how unlike anything your senses have ever had anything to do with it was. I felt very confused initially, like my senses just couldnít figure out what the hell was going on. I could see movement and I could tell that something was going on, but I couldnít understand anything, and nothing seemed to have a purpose or meaning. Then the music began to drive it, as that was the main thing I was able to kind of consistently grab onto, so to speak. In hindsight, I now believe this to be the point that I began to move beyond the veil, as the music sounded distorted, disjointed, and not entirely how it did earlier, and I began to feel confusion turn into anger, as though the music were going to detract from the experience, or that I wasnít really getting what I came here for, completely unaware of how far away I already was. Things began to move frantically as I got angry, and there was an immense amount of frantic motion followed by what I can only describe as me, being my consciousness, unimaginably far away looking at a universe, and several things happened simultaneously at this point. There was the introduction of what I would describe as another consciousness that knew I was angry, appeared, and ďspokeĒ in a completely incomprehensible language ďintoĒ me, into my essence, that was brief and perfect in a way that immediately put me at ease, however right as it had come into existence, and right before I had arrived at the view of the universe, I screamed ďTake me where Iím meant to be!!Ē and there was the universe, and the consciousness had at that same time simultaneously invited and suggested that I scream out as I had. It all happened synchronously in a way that felt past how time operates. I should note that I didnít scream externally (as far as Iím aware).
The scream echoed in a way that felt beyond eternity, and the feeling was more powerful than anything I had ever felt. It felt like a projection of what I can only feebly call my ďessenceĒ, as though I had somehow projected some part of myself in some way that is beyond anything we know, as the scream, and it all felt incredibly important. The way it echoed was beautiful in a way I couldnít imagine, and itís troubling that memories canít do it justice. Itís like, itís right there in my memory, yet itís just so far away.
After this, it felt as though there were some more interaction and visual aspects, but I was amazed by the fact that it was very definitely a universe that I was ďin frontĒ of, though I donít know that directionally speaking I was anywhere near/in front/behind/whatever to it locationally, yet I was just there. And then I sunk in, my existence, my body, my mind, my everything just ďsunkĒ to this other place. I felt very heavy, in a very strange way. The visuals were good here, but meaning felt more confusing than anything. Visually I was seeing a lot of glowing geometry, fractals inverting and coalescing into each other, circles of exploding rainbow colours more vibrant that anything Iíve ever seen in my life, on top of a background of unimaginably immense motion, fractals everywhere, all glowing and moving, intertwined in a way thatís absolutely beyond the scope of our perception. I opened my eyes and the circles I had seen internally were turning the outer reality into what I can only describe as similar to the rippling across a body of water. I closed my eyes again wanting to explore this place, but wasnít able to find much more meaning from it, and came out rather soon after. When I came back, I felt very excited, confused, and comforted in an oddly huge mix. I was told I had been ďgoneĒ for 20 minutes, and I was absolutely shocked. It hadnít felt more than five at the very most.
I was absolutely astonished by everything that I had seen, but I was also left feeling very confused, and wanted to go deeper. We took a short break during which time I tried my best to language out anything I could, and mentally digest everything that had happened, completely unable to wrap my head around it all. The size if it all was absolutely overwhelming, and itís really hard to rationalize the scope of whatever/wherever that was, however you want to look at it.
I get the feeling that the anger I remember was stemming from the disjointedness of the music at the time, and all of the events involving the screaming, the appearance of the other consciousness and itís suggesting that I scream and comforting me all happened in a way that I can only describe as happening perfectly, synchronously, and in a way that was beyond time. That was one of two instances that gave me the very clear impression that time isnít something that necessarily exists in everything, though I didnít grasp that as much at this point as when I did later. It felt like the consciousness was emitting moods, and they were primarily of comfort. When it ďspokeĒ it felt more like what I would describe as a transfer of information, the phrase ďit knows so I knowĒ kind of meshes with how I feel about it. I feel like there was a lot of interaction between it and I, and I felt as though it went from indifferent initially to happy though I donít know why. I should also note that there was an enormous amount more that had happened, but these are the things that have stuck with me about the first trip.
So after about 10 or so minutes of completely inadequately trying to compile some thoughts on the first trip, I was off on the second, this one larger and much deeper. We had very calm, bassy, ambient music this time, and I think that, combined with the fact that I had more of an idea what was going to happen aided me in going deeper this time. I was immediately off in a way that I want to say felt extra-dimensional in some way that Iím having a lot of trouble articulating. I felt as though I was outside all of the machinery that makes up what everything really is, and could view each layer or reality for what it all was, and it was infinitely immense and complex, layer upon layer of realities, each with incomprehensible attributes, all of which felt like it made sense at the time. I felt like I was capable of understanding this while there, as though I could handle the scale even, but outside and after is a much different story. Itís absolutely mind boggling because I have the memories but they donít translate in some fundamental way, itís like they just canít compute properly. But I could see it all, and all the layers of reality were covered in the most gorgeous glowing geometry you can possibly imagine, everything was glowing and coalescing and motion was vast. I felt as far from the layers at this point as you feel when you look at faraway galaxies that Hubble has taken pictures of, yet at the same time it was as though it was right up against me, and it was all pulsing and moving and glowing in this absolutely amazingly gorgeous and intricately detailed way.
The beauty was beyond astonishing, and I was in awe. Externally I could feel myself smiling broadly ear to ear, and itís important to note that I experienced a lot of synaesthesia throughout both of these trips. All of the colours were feelings and all of the feelings were good, I could see music, and was even able to see it through my closed eyes at one point. At some point it felt as though I was getting closer to the layers again, and then another consciousness came into my awareness again (I donít know if it was the same one from the first trip, I didnít really feel any indications that that was the case). I had the presence of mind at this point to wonder to myself if the consciousness was me talking to myself in some way, and I definitely did not get the feeling that that was the case. Objectively, I have no idea of course.
The impression that I got from whatever it was, was that it was an entity, and it was totally beyond us, just completely beyond comprehension. It invited me to ask it whatever I wanted in itís incomprehensible way of ďspeakingĒ, which in hindsight makes me almost wonder if it was in response to my questioning itís existence, which I donít have an answer for. But of course I asked it what all of this is all about, whatís the purpose of everything, and it fed my essence with what felt like information on some level about it all, and it felt like a mind-numbing, paralysing amount of information. It transferred information to me and simultaneously we were closer to the layers now, and I could see shapes, just immense mountains of fractal shapes glowing and blasting everywhere. It all dimmed and faded at some point, and amongst the blackness there was a massive sprinkler type of motion made of glowing rainbow shapes made of good feelings firing out of nothingness, and all of the colour looked like vibrant glowing viscous liquid, and all around everything were explosions of the colour feelings, and they bombarded me. Love was beginning to be explained to me, and suddenly everything was love, explosions of love for all of infinity, itís just so far beyond description. There truly are no words that do it any justice, and Iím still in absolute awe that I could feel like that.
It was all the most pure, intense feeling of love Iíve ever felt, and it was as though they were all hitting me in some way while not. After the sprinkler motion there was something that I can only describe as looking like a massive column of separate sections of massive expanses of the glowing viscous paint looking liquid made of interlocked but moving fractal shapes, with massive outer spinning ďarmsĒ similar to a helicopterís rotors, and as it appeared the background dimmed for a moment again as the ďrotorsĒ were spinning at incredible speed and dropping/throwing the material it seemed to be made of everywhere, the background exploding back out in geometric shapes again into literal infinity, all made of the purest colour and love Iíve ever seen or felt. I could not believe it, and still canít. I had already given myself up to this, but I absolutely gave in at this point, I have never felt a feeling like that, and I donít think that I ever will again. I was completely and utterly at the mercy of whatever all this is, and I was absolutely blissful. It was the perhaps the happiest feelings Iíve ever had.
As I gave in I had another of what I suppose Iíd call synchronous moments in time and beyond it, when I could feel myself wonder if I had died, know that I hadnít, and wanted to know about death at the same point, and I got the distinct impression that love and death are mechanisms woven throughout all of the layers of realities, as though theyíre the consistent factors. The consciousness explained these completely incomprehensible things to me about the other layers, and all I could do was sense it all in totally overloaded awe. I should note that I didnít have a body throughout all of this, it was simply what I would have to call my consciousness. I didnít get the feeling that the other thing was god, or a god, or anything like that, but it was definitely completely beyond our comprehension. I have a hard time describing what it looked like as it was strangely visible and not at the same time in some way, and when it was it seemed like it was just too hard to grasp, like a morphing smudge of something, or a blurred pixilation. Mostly it just ďspoke into meĒ filling me with these things that felt like explanations of something entirely beyond our perception. It felt like the immense layers that were near and far was now a massive tree like shape over the top of the background of infinite explosions of colour and shape and emotion. I was absolutely overwhelmed by it all. I continually have the urge to call this shape the ďtree of lifeĒ though I have no memory explaining why that would be the case, it may just be an association. It was as the other shapes had been, made of glowing, pulsating, morphing, viscous fluid like colours that glowed vibrantly in the exploding blackness, as simultaneously there were the colour feelings everywhere, exploding and shooting everywhere for the infinite distance that I could see, everywhere frantically blasting with motion and emotion.
As I started to come back little by little, I could focus on the music more clearly, and opened my eyes and could see it shooting past. I felt disbelief because it was so gorgeous; I knew what it was right away because I could see the sound waves in the form of the same colour/feelings as the other things, and they were moving away from the speakers in the way youíd expect to see sound waves travel, but they were leaving a distorted wake, which I kind of attribute to the fact that time was distorted as well. I donít know for certain that thereís a connection between those things but thatís the distinct impression that I got.
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