Citation: Chipper. "Life - The infinite Rorschach Test: An Experience with 1P-LSD (exp107726)". Erowid.org. Jan 24, 2016. erowid.org/exp/107726
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I've been struggling to keep up with myself lately; my emotions, my thoughts, the fast pace I seem to be stuck on, and my responsibilities. I'd been medicating ADHD, anxiety, and depression with Methoxetamine for a week beforehand, but, while it helped with back pain, muscle tension, and gave me the energy I needed to keep up with my own pace, it seems to create barriers and hampered my communication skills and memory. I would feel insightful, but utterly lacking the vocabulary to express it.
I decided to take half a tab of 1P-LSD, lie back, and just let my thoughts drift. Often, I'll 'try to meditate', which perpetuates the same strain of continued mental over-effort. While daydreaming, while closing my eyes I dreamt that I was the Brahman dreaming of an infinite Samsara of infinite possibilities. There was no story in particular, but rather a collage of possibilities. The idea of time being infinite, somehow, filled me with a sense of both resign, of giving up, as well as acceptance, of giving in to the present moment, and at the same time, all the possibilities and wisdom of infinite lives. Before the trip, I felt a bit like my mind was like a deck of cards someone had played '52 pick-up' in, but with a thousand cards. After the trip, it was like the cards had been reshuffled and sorted into a neat deck, but that there would always be more cards added to the deck, or cards that were previously stacked neatly slipping out. Such is the law of entropy. To argue with this would be like arguing with the laws of physics themselves - time better used for actually grasping physics, or stacking cards.
I felt like I was surfing on the flow of time, like time itself flowed through me as much as I flowed through it. There was no past or future, only the eternal moment. I felt like I could really breathe again.
As I sobered, on my bed, in my room - I didn't see my room, I saw a Rorschach test, a mirror of my own thoughts and feelings. I saw the everflowing present moment, not as something to cling on to, but as a stage for theatrical art. Comedy, drama, thriller, romance - everything under the umbrella of 'life'! Whereas before I felt like time was slipping away, now I felt like I was falling with it, freefalling through time - like skydiving where you can tense up, fear for the possibilities and lose out on the sensations, or just feel the wind in your hair while you're up there.
The following few days I felt myself really slowing down. My attention span has improved. The anxious thoughts haven't stopped, but they've slowed down and become manageable, I'm more inclined to remember why I'm here, and treat my own mind and body like I would that of a loved one. I've been allowing myself more time to relax and think, to pause, and to step back and appreciate each moment as it comes, as an opportunity for ever-improving art, but now I realize, the point isn't to improve, but rather to be present in each scene.
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