Citation: Fleuriel. "Ego Stripping: An Experience with H.B. Woodrose (exp108047)". Erowid.org. May 2, 2020. erowid.org/exp/108047
Before I explain my experience I want to state that I've never been drunk, or smoked cigarettes, I had smoked weed, eaten edibles and taken MDMA twice in my life before this experience and had very little knowledge of psychedelics at that time. I had a great deal of trust for the person that I experienced this with who has had experience with psychedelics. This was my first time with anything psychedelic.
We were in his apartment and had talked throughout the day about the HBW seeds. He offered me the opportunity to experience this with him and though I was quite shy about it I gathered the confidence I needed to take the next step in my human experience. I was ready. Also I did eat a meal sometime before this and said a little prayer and asked my guides to support me through this experience.
After I felt I understood what I was getting into I took 7 seeds. He had taken 14; about 10 at first, then 4 more later. He said he felt nothing for a while, saying it was very subtle. I was relaxing, paying attention to my body's subtle cues and allowing myself to relax and welcome this new experience.
I was relaxing, paying attention to my body's subtle cues and allowing myself to relax and welcome this new experience.
I felt I had to sit down because I felt I was getting heavier. Not necessarily my body, my energy felt heavy with weight. I sat for a while and then decided I needed to lay down, as I was feeling a bit tired. So I laid down for what seemed like an hour or so. The experience was equally steady that whole time. I felt weird energies within me but they were not extreme. At one point when I did close my eyes I saw these images of my partner dancing around naked and silly, his bobbing and bouncing without a body in my mind. I decided not to close my eyes after that xD.
Suddenly this wave of energies I never felt before hit me like a tidal wave, flowing within me with strength like the ocean. It's hard to explain, but it made me feel like I jut wanted to close my eyes and wait 'til it was over. I was feeling very nauseous, my head was very heavy, and my body even heavier and quite ungraceful. My partner was laying with me during this time and I had this very clear knowing that I needed to throw up.
'I needed to throw up but I don't want to', I said.
'Do what you need to do, don't hold it in', he assured me.
When I got up to move I realized how trying a task it was. I didn't want to exert the energy to move 10 feet to the bathroom but it was a destination I knew would be a worthwhile journey. I hung over the mattress just hoping I could throw up there, seeing the long and arduous quest ahead of me. My partner encouraged me to move to the bathroom and it gave me the ambition to push myself in that direction. Every foot that hit the floor was the stomp of a giant, my body flinging around trying to avoid the walls that separated me from my salvation.
I threw myself at the mercy of the porcelain god, my head heavy, smacked down on the alter rim. I started creating affirmations in my mind, that I was safe and the pain felt good. The pain I felt was that of nausea and my body working hard to convert my food into vomit. Not long after I puked and it was glorious. The pain turned into comfort and I started feeling a lot better. (Blessed all the days I practiced my affirmations).
The journey just began. I didn't throw up much before I took shelter on the bathroom floor. I felt very safe in that bathroom. It was my partner's turn to vomit, which it took him some time to do. He had a hard time 'letting go'. I asked my guide to help him and shortly after he was able to release.
Now we were at the same point in our journey. I was pretty balanced and feeling a bit nauseous but only a little every so often, not enough to through up but enough to make me want to stay on that floor, breathing deeply and freshly, filling my body with healing.
Now I need to explain my partner's intentions which were personal but I feel I need to share the point of this experience. He had something he needed to tell me but had a lot holding him back. Likewise, we were at a point in the relationship where transparency was lacking and it was harming us on a spiritual level. So this experience became an ego-stripping event.
The rest of the time we spent in that bathroom was admitting, confessing, and releasing all unbalanced thoughts and emotions that we had held back; were afraid to express, no matter how insignificant the other thought it was. At this point we had relieved ourselves of our clothing and he took the role of shower-messiah and washed away our sins.
Despite my creative writing I had not experienced hallucinations; visual or else (except that short moment when I closed my eyes at the beginning). My experience was strictly on a physical level and maybe something else I can't explain. While we were letting go of our emotional set-backs, I had no feelings or emotions during that time. I don't know if it was the physical discomforts that prevented me from connecting to my emotions or if it was indeed the seeds. Either way, I did not feel any remorse, guilt, sadness, or fear of any kind, likewise I felt no joy or ecstasy. Only the nausea, heaviness of the body, and the spiritual/emotional muscles of holding things back. At one point I realized I wasn't feeling physical pain. Looking down at my wrist/elbow which was pressing into the hard floor I realized I should take the weight off because even though I didn't feel the pain I knew that it was under stress. I made sure to be conscious of my position so not wake up the next day with bruises and aches.
It's also important to note that after we both threw up the first time he told me that the nausea is something that we are holding back and need to release. I don't know if that was true or, if him telling me that, made it true to me
I don't know if that was true or, if him telling me that, made it true to me
, but I felt better after I confessed things, things that surfaced to my mind, and felt nauseous when I held them back.
This went on for time I can't comprehend. Then it finally was coming to an end. I felt the experience slowing, wearing away and good thing too because I was done confessing for some time. Near the end I started thinking of other people that I held stuff back with. One was my grandma, who smoked a lot when I was young. Knowing at a young age that it was harmful to the body I threw my grandmas large box of cigarette packs into the garbage. She found out and yelled at me. I held that memory with me, feeling extreme sadness that she valued her addiction more than she loved me. So after letting go of all the things before that, I knew now how harmful it was to hold onto these things. So I opened up and pushed myself to let go of those feelings that I held onto. Then in a brief moment I felt my grandma take a deep breath and I thought she died. Only later did I realize that me holding onto those thoughts not only afflicted me but actually afflicted her too, and the breath I felt her take was one of relief. That I had freed her somehow, by freeing myself from those stuck emotions; an experience we both shared.
Finally it was over. I didn't want to leave the bathroom. I was so happy there but we had soaked in that shower long enough. He had retired to the mattress and I was still very happy on the floor. It took a while but eventually I made it to the bed. Laying there and enjoying the relief of not being nauseous anymore. It took me a while to fall asleep so we spent sometime relaxing and talking. At one point I saw this dark blob of energy up in the corner above the bed with red or yellow eyes. The room was dimly lit. I was not afraid and didn't focus on it and it didn't bother us.
This experience brought to me the realization that when we hold onto baggage, and thoughts and feelings we feel we should share, we are not only hurting ourselves but are weighing down all those involved, and that freeing ourselves will indefinitely free the world.
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