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Il'l Never Ask for a Better Mother
Cannabis
by apupu
Citation:   apupu. "Il'l Never Ask for a Better Mother: An Experience with Cannabis (exp108096)". Erowid.org. Jun 2, 2020. erowid.org/exp/108096

 
DOSE:
  smoked Cannabis

BODY WEIGHT: 130 lb


Before I start, I suppose I should give some background information on my family.

My mom was raised in a family of 14 kids, and money was scarce. She was kicked out at 14 years old and became a stripper in her youth. Growing up, I've heard many stories from her about how much fun she had in her 20's. Although beautiful, she never felt obligated to have sex with anyone, and most people paid her only for her company since she's so entertaining to be around. She smoked for free, ate shrooms for free, and drank for free--all while making a hefty income and living in a lavish apartment with my uncle. She later settled down with my dad in her 30s. Because of her meager upbringings, she had raised my brother and I with unconditional love, something that her own mother never gave her.

My father was a dealer and dishwasher. He tried coke with my mom once and they both decided never to try it again after my dad's nose started bleeding. I don't know all too much about my dad in his younger days, his violent alcoholism prevents the possibility of a strong bond between us.

My brother and I are 2 years apart, me being the older sibling. He started smoking weed at 13, having connections through his school friends. When I first found out he was smoking, I was absolutely disgusted. The repulsion I felt was due to years of being told, 'Don't drink or do drugs, or else you'll never do anything meaningful!' in school programs. It taught me to fear drugs and alcohol, instead of trying to understand. My brother told my mom soon after he started, and she welcomed him with open arms.

When I was 16, I was going through my first break up. I was utterly destroyed, having dedicated 3 years of my life to someone horribly negative and manipulative. A couple days after the break up my cousin came over, and my brother and mom had disappeared with her into the basement. I followed behind them, and found that they were going to smoke. They pressured me, and I surrendered to temptation, hitting a bowl for the first time. I didn't get high the first time because I was intimidated by the smell. I also didn't know how to properly hit a bowl, or hold a hit in.

The first time I got high, I smoked with my brother before leaving to go to the movie theater with my mom. I laughed a lot on the ride there, and the sun was bright, vivid, comforting, and warm. When I got to the theater I was mostly focused on my nachos. I felt great, and before I knew it I was smoking every day one to four times in that same day with my brother. I have depression and anxiety, stemming from family fights due to my alcoholic father. Being a school reject and a target of bullies from a very young age were also causes.
However, smoking one to four times a day for a couple years seems to have made smoking weed lose its magic for me. Every day is me looking forward to going home for the next bong, and the routines become tiresome. I haven't drawn much these past couple years I've been smoking, which is quite the blow to someone who would like to be some sort of artist one day. The routine had progressively gotten worse, and I easily lost motivation to play video games or draw because I was stoned all the time. There were many days where I had spent up to 16 hours in bed, simply because I was exhausted from smoking too much, or because there was nothing to smoke.

I've thought a lot about quitting, since I can never get as high as I used to. Even still, I love smoking. I've mulled it over in my head these past years, continually asking myself if what I was doing was bad. I think completely quitting is not the solution to my problem. My mom has been smoking since she was 14, and takes only one puff of a pipe when she decides to relax on a day off from work. I believe the solution to my problem lies within such an example, I just seriously needed to stop smoking so often and so much. It has been hard since it's so easily accessible in our home. If I ever want, all I have to do is ask.

As of writing this, I am 19 years old. Recently, I've been slowing down on my consumption, and feeling more awake.
Recently, I've been slowing down on my consumption, and feeling more awake.
I only smoke once in a day, which is a big step for me. Hopefully I can start to reduce my consumption a little more. I don't want to quit--I love marijuana, and I don't think it's wrong to love it. I'm an A-B student, and nothing makes me feel more excited and confident than art. I love life, and am passionate in my work. I don't see why smoking is a problem in this case.

There was a time my mom, brother, and I trespassed on a closed beach with a bottle of baileys and a densely packed pipe. We explored an abandoned building together, took pictures, laid in the warm sand, and walked the shore line without another person in sight the whole time. It was beautiful, and is something I'll remember for the rest of my life. We've had many similar, adventurous bonding experiences like this together. Our love doesn't come from us smoking together, but from seeing each other as equals on a familial level in which we hold the deepest of care and respect for one another. I love my mom and brother, they are both very important people in my life that have impacted me immensely. I'm glad my mom had raised us the way she did, and I'm grateful she's so understanding and supportive of us.

Exp Year: 2012-2016ExpID: 108096
Gender: Female 
Age at time of experience: 19 
Published: Jun 2, 2020Views: 284
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Cannabis (1) : Various (28), Depression (15), Families (41), Retrospective / Summary (11)

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