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I Saw The Whole of the Moon
Citation:   Quartz. "I Saw The Whole of the Moon: An Experience with AL-LAD (exp108744)". Jul 2, 2016.

300 ug   AL-LAD (blotter / tab)
I made a beautiful and frightening mistake.

My second time trying a lysergamide (my past experiences in psychedelics consist solely of DXM) I took 300μg of AL-LAD. Having been told that AL-LAD was gentle even in higher doses, I thought that I could handle it.

With two tabs down my gullet I settled down, preparing the house for my day of tripping balls. I put Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey on Netflix and paused it, I opened up [ ] on my desktop and opened some links, and I logged onto [ ]. I was ready for whatever I may wish to do.

I ended up watching the beginning of an episode of Cosmos and then taking a shower, but leaving the shower once I realized the rush of the come-up was freaking me out a bit. I wanted to peak in a familiar zone, my bedroom. Sitting on my bed I watched the most amazing feats of physics - dancing patterns on my walls, flowing strands of carpet akin to majestic seaweed, the transformation of all the objects in my room to breathing, jelly-like replicas of themselves. The entire room was dancing in colors and all the shapes conformed themselves to beautiful geometric forms. Pretty soon, nothing was based in reality anymore.

And this began to bother me.

It felt ... claustrophobic. I felt naked, vulnerable. I began to look around for something that wasn't tripping balls, but I couldn't find anything that was normal. Even my own hands were covered in dancing patterns and flowing and morphing. I admitted to myself that I may have bitten off more than I could chew.

I rushed to my computer, trying to find some comfort on [ ]. I announced 'I'm on 300μg of AL-LAD, anyone have any good music?' someone gave me a link, the music was nice but I was still very unsettled as my wallpaper was flowing and morphing at an incredible speed and my entire monitor was squishing and moving while being filled with tracers. Reading was ... difficult.

Someone asked me, 'What does the headspace feel like?'
'Not too bad. But the visuals are bit overwhelming.'
I decided I wanted to go outside. 'Brb. Going outside.'
As I was walking across my morphing, breathing living room to exit through the front door the tv caught my eye. I slowed my walking to see what was going on and was greeted by my favorite astrophysicist, Neil deGrasse Tyson. He was speaking about the end of the world - a truly fascinating subject. He said something along the lines of 'And it will continue on like this for billions of years.'

But something was wrong.

The look in his eyes, the expression on his face, the vibe from the television, it was all very, very wrong. (I still get chills typing this out.) I stopped in my tracks and stared into his eyes. They became dark and scary - terrifying. His voice morphed into a shrill, robotic screech. I was frozen, petrified by fear. The room became dark and a menacing wave washed over me and everything bright and colorful died. I felt like a child, separated from all he knows - as if I had been thrown into a deep, dark woods and left to die. I ran for the door - I had to leave this place, NOW.

But something was in my way. My kitten, tiny and black, was sprawled out in front of my door, sleeping. I was instantly filled with hope, my kitten could save me.
I was instantly filled with hope, my kitten could save me.
My kitten wasn't scary, he was beautiful and lovely - I could feel a sense of safety coming from him. I knew I would be okay if I kept him with me. Nothing could hurt me if my kitten was with me. I snatched up my kitten and sprinted back to my bedroom, slamming the door behind me. I had locked out all the evil that was contaminating my house. I was safe in here. I was overwhelmed, and scared - but I knew my room was safe. I set my kitten on my desk and reached out to those on [ ].

'Nvm, headspace is for real right now. Send chill out music.'

'Uh. I think _______ would sound good on LSD, I guess.'

Another said something like 'Yea, maybe.'

I felt helpless. These people weren't helping at all. I was trapped in an evil house and losing my sanity, but nobody was there to help me except my kitten. I kept watching my kitten, gently petting him - begging him to not become evil. To stay safe.

Then suddenly a thought occurred to me. I remembered seeing a Bob Ross video on [ ]. It was posted with the title 'In case of bad trip: Bob Ross painting happy clouds. ' At first, this seemed to fix everything. The positive vibes coming from this man were amazing. He was so kind and calm. But, again, something was wrong. At about 1:25 he started making paint strokes, and as he said 'Just painting little X's.' the strokes sounded like knives scraping together. I felt the evil radiating out from my computer. I realized that this man, too, was out to harm me. It seemed as if the entire universe was conspiring against me. I closed my browser and hopped away from my computer. I then realized that even my room wasn't safe anymore.

I glanced around my room, I was still tripping absolute balls. If anything, the visuals had increased. I walked over to my window and opened the blinds. And I saw my destination: outside was where I needed to be. Outside there was no evil, I would be safe there and I would be free. I wouldn't be trapped in my room.

The only solution was to climb out the window. But the drop from my window was high, and I was scared. No, I decided, I had to face my fears. I had to escape my house, and the only way was to get past the demon on my television, Neil deGrasse Tyson.

I grabbed my kitten and opened my bedroom door, I amassed the courage needed and ran through my house, towards the front door. I saw the television and Neil deGrasse Tyson, with his evil eyes and menacing grin spoke to me saying something like, 'And this is how it will always be.' in a demonic, haughty voice. I opened my front door, and slammed it shut behind me. I was free. I felt an immediate release of all the negative tension and felt a more pure, natural vibe. I set my kitten on the ground and sat down in the grass. I began to calm down.

At this point, I began to become absorbed in inner dialogue and completely forgot about the evil locked within my home. I began to question my beliefs, began to see my ego and recognize my shortcomings. I sat there for an unknown but seemingly agonizing long time dissecting myself and exposing my weaknesses. My mind seemed to have several thought streams going on at once and was hopping from one to another, frantically.

As I reached the other side of my peak, and settled into my plateau, I began to see the beauty around me. I live in the middle of a pine forest, and the entire woods was morphing, waving, and flashing in color. As insects flew past me I heard their buzz like a nascar on a track. The breeze howled in my ears, and the sky split into fractals of clouds and deep blue. Everything was moving, and everything was alive.

Having forgotten about the evil in my home, me and my kitten returned inside. I didn't plan on going back outside, so I locked my front door. I saw Cosmos on the television and quickly turned it off, before it could scare me again. I then realized I was hungry and decided to make a sandwich. But I was caught in a thought loop. I would come to and realize that I was hungry, but when I would go to the kitchen, I would find myself back in my living room thinking I was hungry. Eventually I found my way to the pantry and grabbed a container of peanut butter, I repeated to myself 'I am making a sandwich. I am making a sandwich. I am making a sandwich.' so I wouldn't forget. I switched out the peanut butter for bologna 'I am making a sandwich.' grabbed a slice of cheese 'I am making a sandwich.' and put mustard on the bread 'I am making a sandwich.'

I eventually made the sandwich.

To my surprise, I looked down and my sandwich was almost all the way eaten. I barely remembered eating it. I grabbed my earbuds and started listening to Flume's new album Skin.

I decided that I should go back outside, and the nearest door was the back door to my house. I grabbed my kitten and marched to the door. Suddenly, I had a revelation. I never had to face Neil deGrasse Tyson, I could have left out of the back door, completely avoiding the living room. The revelation completely shocked me and I couldn't shake the feeling that it was somehow divinely inspired (don't ask, I don't understand either). It felt as if some higher power was showing me that the obvious way isn't always the right way. As I opened my door I said to myself, 'The universe is fucking with me today.' Immediately after saying this, a lyric from a song said 'Now fuck me right back.'

My mind suddenly lurched into its highest gear and slammed the pedal. I formed a thousand connections all at once and felt as if I had just heard the words of God himself.

I stepped out of my door and fell to my knees. I looked up at the horizon and asked aloud 'Is that you, God?' I felt as if the universe gave me a resounding 'Yes.'

'Are you the God of the Bible?'

No answer.

I decided that, of course, it was impossible for it to be the god of the Bible, because this higher power I sensed was far too intricate and clever to be that ancient fairytale. I quickly dismissed this thought stream and turned my attention to the morphing world around me.

I eventually moved back into my front yard, and at one point I looked at my front door. I realized that the door was locked, and that I couldn't enter back into my house that way. For some reason, this really hit me hard. It felt as if this had some kind of cosmic significance, as if it signified a change in me - as if I would never be able to enter back into my normal life the same way again, I would forever be resigned to using 'the back door.' This still resonates with me to a degree, because I feel as if I am swimming against the mainstream by exploring my mind and the world with psychedelics. At this time, I also formed a connection with wanting to escape from my house earlier through my window (the unorthodox exit) and suicide, which I have contemplated many times in various depressed states of my life so far. In that moment, I realized that climbing through the window wasn't necessary, that I was strong enough to force my way through the front door and that the back door (which I associated with psychedelics) was also a valid choice of leaving the home. Either way was the correct way, either way got me to my destination (outside). I'm laughing at these ideas right now, but I have to admit, even sober they strike a chord with me.

The rest of the trip consisted of me playing around with the visuals, staring at things and watching them create the most amazing patterns and images. I closed my eyes and was overwhelmed by a myriad of colorful squares brighter than the outside world. Keeping my eyes closed was too overwhelming, so I mostly kept my eyes open.

Music began to wrap around me and I felt as if it was a blanket, covering me in ecstasy.

As the trip died down I began to laugh at my nonsensical beliefs I had earlier in the trip, that God has spoken to me, that Neil deGrasse Tyson was a demon, and that Bob Ross tried to kill me with paint strokes. I retired to my room in near darkness, aside from a strobing stop light I have on a shelf, and stared in amazement at the (now dulled and less intense) CEVs. I watched as tunnels formed and stretched on to infinity and complex, amazing geometry built itself from my imagination.

It began to rain and I felt an immense urge to go out into the downpour. I sat with my legs crossed in my yard, watching my kitten play with the grass in the wind and rain. I felt as if the rain was washing away all of my fears, stress, and as if it was rejuvenating me and recharging me. I felt completely at peace with myself and my place in the universe.

When I came back inside, I changed and laid down so I could try to sleep as I listened to music on shuffle. Fittingly, one of the first songs to play was The Whole of the Moon by the Waterboys. I felt as if these lyrics perfectly described my day:

And you know how it feels

To reach too high

Too far

Too soon

You saw the whole of the moon

I felt as if I hadn't just visited Pink Floyd's dark side of the moon, but I had seen the whole of the moon.

From the trip I gained an immense respect for LSD, and that respect will go forth to all other psychedelics. I thought I could handle it, and I became a scared shitless baby who clutched onto a kitten for the safety of his life.

I won't be tripping for a while again, even though I have a large stockpile. I'm a little scared, and am still having trouble processing some of the feelings and thoughts I had on this trip. Hopefully this will stand as a reminder to others not to overestimate yourself, because as I said to myself during my trip 'Lucy will kick your ass if you think you're tough.'
Peace out, ☮ ✌

Exp Year: 2016ExpID: 108744
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: 18
Published: Jul 2, 2016Views: 3,456
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AL-LAD (603) : Nature / Outdoors (23), Difficult Experiences (5), Alone (16)

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