Citation: Errata. "Unexpected Liberation - Will It Last: An Experience with Cocaine (exp108776)". Erowid.org. Dec 31, 2016. erowid.org/exp/108776
||(powder / crystals)
Cocaine has never been on my list of drugs to try. My substance use to date has all been in the name of exploring my inner consciousness. Cocaine just seemed like a party drug for superficial people; I never imagined it could bring me any insights.
I take back all the snide remarks I ever made. Last night I tried coke for the second time in my life and it brought me a deeper, more meaningful insight than all of my psychedelic exploration put together.
I was prepping with four friends to go to a disco-themed party when one of my friendís neighbors asked if we wanted any ďparty favors.Ē My friend handed off some cash to her. I chipped in, even though I didnít have any intent to imbibe at the time.
Iíve only done coke once (rubbing it on my gums) and I found it underwhelming. It made me horny but also made me incapable of concentrating and uninterested in conversation - seriously unsociable. I decided it was not my drug.
But when the lines were out, my partner decided to do a couple for the first time in 23 years. Well, okay then! After everyone else did their lines, I swept up what was left on my finger and rubbed it on my gums.
The effects were less strong than last time but more enjoyable. At first I felt like it upped my sex drive; I did wind up making out with my partner for a bit. Then he left and the rest of us went to a party, and over the course of the evening the effects clicked - and exposed lingering psychological damage from an abusive relationship that Iíd long thought healed.
For the past ten years, Iíve had social anxiety at parties, but I never realized why. My various psychedelic explorations didnít link the dots for me. I thought it was just part of getting older, that I didnít have the ease that I did in my twenties.
Then last night at the party, I was friendly and flirty with my friends just as I was back in the day. We had tremendous fun. And, after a while, I realized why I wasnít having anxiety. For a decade, anytime Iíve socialized with anyone at a party, Iíve heard the lingering echo of the voice of my abusive ex-boyfriend telling me that I was a slut, that I was disgusting, that I was a whore, that no one could ever want me. Thanks to a little bit of cocaine, that evil voice was completely shut off, and I felt somehow reset to being the true me.
I know the peak effect of cocaine is supposed to wear off after a few minutes and leave people craving more. The heart rate elevation and urgent horniness did wear off quickly, but the more subtle effects lingered for hours (which maps to how long the drug actually stays in your system). And itís those subtle effects that were the most illuminating for me, and far more enjoyable than the peak.
I left the party and came home to my partner, quickly dragging him to bed for mind-blowing sex. Our sex life has fallen into a rut for the past year, and Iíve been especially aware that Iíve been sexually blocked for some time. As I went down on him with enthusiasm, I realized where the blockage came from. Once again, it was the lingering voice of my abusive ex-boyfriend that was making it difficult for me to fully engage in bed. His damaging messages had come back slowly over time, so slowly I didnít even notice them creeping back. It was only due to their sudden and dramatic absence that I realized that theyíd ever been there in the first place.
Itís now about 20 hours later. I expected a rough morning and some sort of depressive comedown. Instead, Iím still cheerful despite an underslept evening. This morning I had more sex with my partner, just as enjoyable as last night. I know that the coke must have left my system by this point, but those nasty messages imprinted on my brain by my ex-boyfriend have not made a resurgence. I know theyíre there, but I can also see that he was a messed-up human being who was trying to tear me down, and that his statements were invalid.
I am hoping this effect lasts. I hope that the awareness that my struggles of the past few years have come from the psychological landmines left by my ex-boyfriend allows me to achieve some sort of healing. I donít expect one tiny dose of cocaine to be a magical wonder drug that erases the damage forever (although wow, wouldnít that be amazing!) I can see where this could be habit forming and itís a habit Iíd like to avoid. But if a year from now I find myself slipping into the same social anxiety, sexually blocked hole, I know how to get a reminder that the nasty little critical voice in my head comes from an abusive jerk who does not deserve even the tiniest space in my brain.
Thanks, cocaine! I promise not to bad-mouth you anymore.
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