My First Shamanic Circle
Citation: Freedombucket. "My First Shamanic Circle: An Experience with Ayahuasca (exp108800)". Erowid.org. Jun 17, 2018. erowid.org/exp/108800
On November the 14th of 2015 at 9:00am I arrived with 2 friends to a tipi in a land far away. Inside there was a fire pit surrounded by a circle of people lounging in their sleeping bags and blankets. Near the fire pit there were totems and charms made of natural materials around the edges and crystal medicine wheels on the stumps. There was a pleasant aroma in the air made of pine, Palo Santo, sage and other incense. The facilitators greeted us with warm hugs and smiles. I was shown to my spot where I rolled out my sleeping bags and sat down. Unfortunately I was near the door so it was very cold so I crawled into my sleeping bag and waited for the experience to begin. It seems weird but somehow everybody seemed familiar to me even though I don't recall ever seeing any of them before. There were even international participants from Spain, Germany and England and they still looked familiar to me.
After everybody arrived (about 20 participants) a man entered the room with a burning abalone shell. He walked around the circle and smudged everyone with sage smoke. The facilitator passed around native tobacco (chemical free) to smoke during the smudging. He said it helps with the cleansing process. I had some and it smelled wonderful, like a cigar without toxins. I couldn't tell if it was cleansing me but I did feel more relaxed.
After the smudging was complete, a sacred plant vine was passed around and we each gave a reason why we decided to journey that day. When I had the vine I shared about my desire to meet the spirit of the Earth. The facilitator then gave us some guidelines then they brought out the medicine. Every participant walked forward one at a time to receive the medicine. When I came forward to take the medicine the facilitator poured it in a small cup and I drank it like a shot of alcohol. I did not want to taste it because I’ve been told it is the worst tasting thing to drink. Actually in my honest opinion it was not that bad. I've had worse. I then went back to my sleeping bag and sat down like normal. It appeared that everybody else did the same.
After everyone had their dose, the facilitator and apprentices started to drum, sing and dance in a circle around the fire. I didn't feel any different but I wanted a spiritual experience so I started to meditate like I normally do. I felt at peace and I really enjoyed the music being played. I was getting really hot so I took off all my jacket and hat. I closed my eyes and minutes later I started to see an odd pattern forming behind my eyelids. I thought I was imagining it so I opened my eyes and the pattern was gone. I closed my eyes again and seconds later the pattern formed. I stared at the pattern more and realized it was the 'flower of life” pattern that I've seen during my sacred geometry research. As I kept staring, the 'flower of life' then started to pulse and spin slowly.
At this point I could hear other participants 'purging' or cleansing by vomiting and crying. I felt a little motion sickness but not enough to vomit. I suddenly had to pee so I asked a volunteer to take me to the outhouse. After I was finished the volunteer asked me how I was feeling so I told him 'I see flowers when I close my eyes but that is all.' He smiled then he recommended taking another dose when the facilitator offers again. I went back to the tipi and laid down on my sleeping bag.
The man next to me seemed to be having a great journey. He kept saying 'it's so beautiful and amazing.' Moments later he started shouting 'woo' and 'yeah' and laughing. His reaction to the medicine was encouraging to me. I closed my eyes and the flowers immediately appeared but this time the pattern was much more defined and it was pulsing, spinning and weaving from side to side. At this point I was getting really nauseated so I opened my eyes to get the motion sickness to stop but this time the flower pattern was still there. It was all around the tipi, anywhere where light was shining.
My thoughts started to get scary. I told myself that this was all a mistake and I should have never taken the medicine. I told myself that these people a part of a cult and they are just messing with my weak state of mind. This is a scam! I heard my wife telling me 'you are putting yourself in a very vulnerable and dangerous situation, you’re going off to the woods to meet with people you don't know and taking a strange drug which alters your mind!' (This was an actual conversation I actually had with my wife the night before.) I felt very regretful for my poor decision.
So there I was with my own thoughts and I told myself 'if they find out you're not on a journey, they will force you to drink more or worse.' I told myself to 'act the part' I convinced myself that I can just throw up and act like I'm journeying and just ride it out without suspicion.
I also wanted whatever I just drank to leave my body. I bent over my purge bucket and just stared at it trying not to draw attention to myself.
I convinced myself that I can just throw up and act like I'm journeying and just ride it out without suspicion.
As I was on all fours hunched over my purge bucket, I could hear other participants purging horrifying sounds. It sounded like an exorcism was happening with the man on the other side of me. The facilitator's rattle was getting louder and every time it shook I could feel my spine vibrate. I really thought these so called 'facilitators' were messing with us and they had foul intentions. I then heard a lady purge with a horrifying screeching sound. Like a demon was trying to hold on as she was purging it.
At this point I was feeling very sick and I really wanted to vomit but when I tried to purge, nothing would come out so I just stayed there on all fours staring at my bucket. I felt helpless, I couldn't vomit and I couldn't leave, my regret was building up more and more and my fear was multiplying. I couldn't do anything to help the situation. I then remembered a lady talked about how she purged by crying. So I tried to do so. I thought of my family and how I abandoned them to come to this stupid circle. I thought of how I may never see them again. Then I felt the regret fill my eyes and I started crying really bad. I cried like I just had the biggest heart ache happen at that moment. I cried like I haven’t cried in years. It actually felt good to let myself do so. After I stopped crying I tried to vomit but nothing still would come out. I felt a pain on the left side of my lower back; it felt like a cue ball was in my kidney. I was afraid to tell anybody because I thought they would try to cut it out with a knife even though there were no sharp objects even present.
Moments later I felt a warm hand caress down my spine. Another hand touched my forehead and cheeks then landed on my heart. I heard a woman’s soft voice say 'you need to surrender” she then snapped her fingers on each of my ears and said 'surrender' softly. She placed her hand back on my heart and said 'in here, you need to surrender, just let it go.' Her voice very soft and loving, not forceful at all; however I'm not sure what she meant. Did she mean for me to let my heart go? For me to allow myself to die? 'Hell no, I'm not giving up!'
I thought. She stayed with me with her hand on my chest and after a while I realized my heart was racing really fast. I was freaking out and I needed to slow my heart beat back down. The only way I knew how to do that was by breathing slow deep breaths so that is what I did. Once my heartbeat was back to normal I felt the warm hand leave my chest. I heard the man next to me say 'just surrender, it's amazing!' but when I looked at him it appeared he was not referring to me. His eyes were closed and he was still on a journey.
'Hell no, I'm not giving up!'
After failing at purging I went back to kneeling and I tried to meditate and keep my heart beat slow and steady. I kept my breath slow and steady. The flower of life pattern was very vibrant and pulsing. The colors would change from violet to pink to white. Eventually the flower of life pattern faded and four 'grey aliens' (greys like Roswell style) appeared in front of me. I didn't sense any evil or good intentions, they were just there. They were just looking at me with no expressions on their faces. Their skin was white and smooth with no wrinkles. They had oval, slanted, black eyes with no iris visible. They didn't appear to have a nose but instead just 2 small slits. Their mouths were small with no expression. I could only see them from the neck up. I could not feel any of them touching me if they were. They did not move their heads or look like they were communicating in any way that I could tell. They never looked away from me and they never blinked.
I then saw their faces fade away and a pattern of skulls and voodoo masks took their place. The pattern started pulsing and spinning. This made me very nauseated and I really needed to vomit so I grabbed my bucket and let it go. This time I vomited a lot, it felt like I was emptying my belly of everything. However when I looked down into my bucket I didn't see that much vomit. Instead I saw a bunch of tiny black ants crawling within some orange liquid. I vomited again or 'purged' and this time there was what looked like a bunch of black spiders bunched up inside the bucket.
My nausea did not go away but I felt like I had nothing else left in my belly to vomit so I laid down. I noticed my heart was racing again so I continued to breathe slowly and deeply. I felt my heart slowing down but this time it was getting too slow. I started to get really cold so I put on every layer of sleeping bags, jackets and blankets I had. I started to shiver really badly and I felt colder and colder. I felt my face lips go numb.
The music was getting more intense. There was a lot more rattling and the drums were beating faster. My mind started freaking out again. I heard that there were more exorcisms and they were getting worse. I remember hearing a facilitator forcefully pour medicine down a man's throat and hearing him gargle but it actually did not happen. I saw a woman get up and run out the tipi and a volunteer sprinted after her. I thought I saw my friends leave without me, laughing at me while sneaking out. Later I found out that these were all illusions and misunderstandings. I will get to that later. I then saw a volunteer point in my direction so I closed my eyes and smiled, acting like I was on a good journey to avoid detection. I heard a facilitator ask a woman if she wanted more medicine and she said yes but a lower voice came out from her and shouted 'no!' Whatever was inside of her did not want to be purged and it was verbally expressing it. Eventually she did drink another cup and purged with a horrifying grunting noise.
While I laid there with my eyes closed and a fake smile on my face thinking I was fooling the facilitator, I started to feel my smile being stretched further and further apart. Then I felt my nose and cheeks stretching and eventually it felt like my face was melting. However I felt no pain. Soon after I felt some force pulling my spirit like a vacuum was trying to pull my spirit out of my body. I tried with all my mental strength to keep my spirit in my body. Every-time I would tell myself 'I'm not ready to go. I don't want to die!' I then heard myself asking me 'why not?' while still pulling on my spirit. I said 'I love my family; I love my beautiful wife and my kids I don't want to lose them!' Then I heard myself saying 'if you love your family so much then why do you not listen to them when they speak?' I was speechless. 'You don't respect any of your in-laws 'you can't wait for the house to be empty so you can have 'I time.' 'You don't listen to your wife when she asks you to do something or when she wants to tell you about her day.' 'You don't acknowledge your kids when they show you their toys and art and what's important to them.' 'You don't acknowledge your family; you don't give them the attention they deserve. If that is your purpose to keep living then why live at all?' I was speechless.
I then saw images of my kids showing me their stuff and me not acknowledging them, of me not taking my eyes off my computer screen to look at their art and their toys. I saw my youngest daughter tugging on my arm wanting to show me her teddy bear but me not turning around to acknowledge her. I saw my wife telling me about her day but instead of paying attention to what she was saying I would just nod my head and watch her words go in one ear and out the other while my mind was somewhere else.
Then I was shown their disappointment on their faces. I could see their hurt in their eyes. I literally felt their pain and sorrow. I could feel them questioning their importance to their dad and husband. I could literally feel their hurt. I could see that although I was physically there, I was not mentally and spiritually there for them.
I felt the pulling of my spirit happening more and the skull and voodoo masks pattern appear much more vivid and scarier. They were bright green and purple and they were pulsating more powerful and faster than before. I really felt like I was going to die. I shouted in my head No! I'm sorry, please forgive me!' I broke out into tears and I was bauling like a baby. This kept repeating over and over and I felt like I wasn't able to hold on to my spirit much longer but I kept shouting 'forgive me! I'm so sorry!' 'Please please give me a 2nd chance!'
After a while the pulling got weaker and weaker until it eventually stopped. The skull pattern faded and the flower of life pattern appeared and my face stopped melting. I heard what I thought was a cat meowing multiple times. I started to hear harp music and my nausea was fading. I sat up and looked around; the flower of life pattern was still visible but was faded. I saw that mostly everyone was out of their journey and staring at the flames dance in the fire-pit. One man shouted 'No!' in horror; it seemed that he was still on his journey. A volunteer wrapped a blanket around him and held a crystal orb to his chest. He stopped screaming but continued his journey with the help of the volunteer and the facilitator.
I sat there and stared at the fire. I noticed that when I looked at any organic object, I would see traces of light outlining its edges. The light was white and gold. When I looked at people's faces, I could see glowing lines under their skin. Like their blood vessels were glowing with white light. One of the ladies had a face like a 'wood elf'. She was the volunteer holding the crystal orb to the man's chest.
Moments later everyone was out of their journey and we were served veggie soup. When I was eating my soup one of the facilitators approached me and asked about my journey. I told her about a lady's voice and a hand on my heart. She explained to me that it was she that saw my heart was out of place and that she was guided to put it back in its correct position. I didn't know what to think at the time but I thanked her for helping me. Another participant had a question for her so she was pulled away from me.
I went back inside the tipi and we each shared a small summary of our journeys. The facilitator officially closed the ceremony and we were all given the ok to leave whenever we felt it was safe. They also offered for anybody to stay the night in the tipi which many ended up doing. The rest of the night was spent talking to each-other about our journeys in greater detail and giving lots of hugs while sipping hot cinnamon tea. I talked to some volunteers about my journey. I asked if a lady had run out the tent and the volunteer told me 'there was a woman who walked out but she was not running. We caught up to her to check on her and see if she was feeling ok, eventually she did come back inside.' I told her that I heard somebody run after the lady. She said 'that was my daughter running to get more paper towels.' There was a young girl there and I found out later that it was she that was making the meow sound which I thought was a cat. She was just bored apparently she has been to many 'circles' and healing ceremonies. I asked about the facilitator forcing somebody to drink. She said 'we would never force anybody to drink; we will help and assist if the participant asks but they always have the choice to swallow.'
I asked about the exorcisms going on and she explained to me that many participants have trouble purging on a spiritual level. Some have deep blockages and when these blockages become healed they often manifest and try to prevent the purge. These blockages are many times issues in somebody's life that can prevent their conscience from expanding.
I asked about the screeching and grunting noise. She said that many times our spirit animal will show us our inner power and often times it can manifest its sounds. This is a good thing because our spirit animals are guides to help us expand our consciousnesses. There are other noises that happen when somebody purges and sometimes these are the sounds of the blockage being purged. Many noises are heard when somebody vomits. Depending on with what part of the body the blockage is coming from the esophagus opens in many different ways to allow the vomit and many times the voice box gets in the way as a last defense from preventing the purge. Many times the horrifying sound is the voice box opening oddly. This happens especially when a person is not relaxed and tries to fight the purge. On a spiritual level when the person's spirit wants to heal a wound, the entity attached to the wound will resist and manifest. It will try to take over the person's mind in order to prevent the purge. This is normally the person's unhealthy portion of the ego.
I spoke to some others about their journeys, the man next to me whom I mentioned earlier, in his journey he was on a wave of sound surfing the cosmos. Another lady who made the screeching noise while purging felt the power of her spirit animal. Another woman met her 'star family' and many of the participants saw sacred geometry like myself. A man I talked to was transported to a 'mountain of knowledge' and he had a deep conversation with the Earth spirit.
I gave my 2 friends a warm loving hug but it didn't feel like I was hugging them but instead the spirit of the Earth was hugging them through me. It turns out that they did not leave. My mind was using an illusion on me to get me to leave the tipi and to not get healed. They both had some amazing experiences and they were both happy to participate. I gave everybody hugs. I wanted to hug and talk to everybody I've never met before but I felt connected to them all. I felt that we all went on a journey together and we pulled through. Everyone I talked to had healing done and everyone seemed happy. I wanted to stay the night at the tipi but I also wanted to get home to my loved ones.
Eventually once I felt sober enough I gave everyone one last loving hug and said good bye to everyone. My friends and I packed up our stuff in our cars and drove home. When I got home I gave my wife the most loving heartfelt hug I've ever given before. Like as if I was gone for a year in a land far away. I could sense the divine feminine within her. My kids were asleep but I watched them sleep for a moment just enjoying their beauty and enjoying their creation I felt so blessed to be their father. I appreciated them very much but I didn't want to wake them. I just wanted to hug everyone and show them my love and appreciation.
I wanted everyone to know that I loved them but I was taking them for granted and that I was sorry.
I just wanted to hug everyone and show them my love and appreciation.
When we finally went to bed, the flower of life would appear whenever I closed my eyes. I noticed that my heart was starting to race again and the pain in my back returned. I remembered to breathe deeply and slowly. Eventually my heart went back to normal. I would then imagine the spirit of the earth sending healing energy to me. This calmed my brain down enough to sleep.
The next morning I felt wonderful. I desired to make breakfast for everyone so I made pancakes. Throughout the day I would feel chills shooting up my spine to the back of my head. I was very happy and very aware. I had a deep desire to show love and respect to every being whether it was human, animal, plant or rock. I even wanted to talk to my neighbor which I've never wanted to before. I could feel the Earth's energy flowing through my feet to my heart. Colors were more vibrant and the air smelled fresher. I was so happy to be alive. I spent quality time with my kids all day. My older daughter who usually watches TV and YouTube all day didn't even turn on the TV. She wanted to play with her little sister and spend time with me. We put together puzzles and played with her toys. Later that night we did watch a family movie but it was a comedy with decent morals. We really just enjoyed laughing together and being together as a family cuddling on the couch.
When I went to work the next day I felt that it was a lot easier than usual even-though I had more tasks assigned to me than usual. I had a constant smile on my face and I said hi to co-workers which I usually try to avoid. It seemed that my happiness was making others around me happier. I saw work as service to humanity instead of a task that needs to be done.
I believe the spirit of the Earth changed my frequency and in doing so changed my desires so that I wanted others to be happy over my own selfish desires. It appeared that anybody else who came into my space also had their frequency changed. Nobody had a rude comment or a snarky attitude. Nobody teased and made foul jokes like they normally do either. (I work on a construction site.) Normally I'm surrounded by rudeness and selfishness but not that day.
I believe that this is the secret that has been kept from the common people for thousands of years by financially powerful bloodlines and the military industrial complex. This is how to change the world. Frequency is the key.
Love is a very powerful force. It is what makes the most wonderful decisions become reality. Decisions to create, to cleanse, to unite, to communicate, to seek knowledge, to desire selfless ambitions, to harvest, to explore, to journey, to teach, to forgive and most of all to Love. I choose a world of peace and most of all,
I CHOOSE LOVE!
|Exp Year: 2015
|Age at time of experience: 33
|Published: Jun 17, 2018
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|Ayahuasca (8) : Group Ceremony (21), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Guides / Sitters (39), Families (41), Difficult Experiences (5), First Times (2), General (1)
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Experience Reports are the writings and opinions of the authors who submit them. Some of the activities described are dangerous and/or illegal and none are recommended by Erowid Center.
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