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After Ten-Year Abstinence - Not So Nice
MDMA
by HappyDays
Citation:   HappyDays. "After Ten-Year Abstinence - Not So Nice: An Experience with MDMA (exp108850)". Erowid.org. Jul 24, 2016. erowid.org/exp/108850

 
DOSE:
T+ 0:00
120 mg oral MDMA (powder / crystals)
  T+ 1:00 40 mg oral MDMA (powder / crystals)

BODY WEIGHT: 85 kg


I recently took some MDMA after a 10 year abstinence. It was horrible...

My history with the drug was one of prolonged use in my 20s - pills of unsure purity were used with alcohol and hash almost every weekend. This, combined with my increasingly unhappy life situation led to a loss of magic and pushed me to radical action. I gave up all recreational drug use and began a 10-year spiritual search which involved 5 years of ayahuasca use in ceremony - about 25 sessions in total, along with meditation, bodywork and holotropic breathwork, along with other modalities. This allowed me to deeply see and clear many issues of early trauma, unprocessed grief and other issues that contributed to alcohol and other drug use/abuse in the first place.

My life situation is now one in which I am very stable, happy and clear. In the last few months, I have used mescaline, 2C-B and changa for inner work also for fun and appreciation of beauty. These have been very rewarding experiences for me and my husband.

I decided after reading of the positive effects of MDMA that it might be nice to take some with my husband and enjoy the euphoria and love that I remember from my early days with the substance. Also I had access for the first time ever to pure product that was of genuine quality. I was excited. We were alone in our lovely home and in positive mindset about the coming experience.

The whole affair was a disaster. The negative effects of the drug far outweighed anything positive. I danced and enjoyed music, but even in the peak, I felt distanced from my husband, suffered anxiety and social paranoia and I looked a total mess - just like my late-stage use in my 20s. I was convinced my husband didn't like the music and I kept changing it, unable to settle on anything I liked. I had a hangover for 4 days.

The night after I took it, while going to sleep, my mind recreated perfectly my old apartment - and my husband even turned into my ex in the bed beside me. I knew intellectually that this was not the case but in my visual knowing and visceral feeling, I was back in time to a place I really didn't want to visit. Old memories of hangovers surfaced, and all of my unhappiness at that time was present in my field. This was different to a psychedelic feeling of something surfacing to be worked on and purged or learned from - there was no intelligence to it or sense of learning or insight at all.

I have read since that MDMA more than any other drug takes up where it left off, this was certainly the case for me even after a 10-year abstinence. It seems that the ego state that built up in my previous use of the drug was still there in a dormant state and was reinitialised on ingestion. Not a pretty tale of bliss and euphoria, but a caution to anyone in the same boat. I thought I would share this to alert anyone that might have a similar history with MDMA :)

Exp Year: 2016ExpID: 108850
Gender: Female 
Age at time of experience: 39 
Published: Jul 24, 2016Views: 5,445
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MDMA (3) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Hangover / Days After (46), Difficult Experiences (5), Retrospective / Summary (11)

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