Citation: Alexanderthegreatttt. "The Infinite Lady and Unity: An Experience with DMT (exp108869)". Erowid.org. Nov 17, 2019. erowid.org/exp/108869
||(powder / crystals)
||(powder / crystals)
The Infinite Lady and Unity: First DMT Trip Report
Amount: 50 mg of DMT
Method of Vaporization: sandwich method from a bong (ash at bottom of bowl, DMT crystals, thin layer of ash on top)
When I took the first hit, I was immediately met with some apprehension. Typical first time DMT feeling, I’m sure. Am I doing this right? Will it even vaporize? How much should I hold in?
Am I doing this right? Will it even vaporize? How much should I hold in?
And some deeper more profound worries too. What if everything I have believed and preached about consciousness and unity and spirituality is wrong? What if this experience just proves that I am charlatan with no idea on what he is talking about? Well rest assured, the ego was most definitely the source of these doubts, and it was definitely the first thing to go when the neurotransmitter started doing its work.
And started soon it did, by the second hit, I already experienced a pulse through my visual field, with underlying red fractals, almost like I was seeing the information that comprises all of reality, being visible as the wave propagated through everything in my vision, from my girlfriend to the surrounding living room. I have caught glimpses, or at the very least very vivid imaginations of fractals and geometry previously with psilocin and LSD, but never literally over my visual field, with no imagination required. In fact, as I went further into my trip, I literally did nothing but bear witness to the incredible hyperdimensional landscape unfolding in front of me. Let me preface by saying that I firmly believe that what I saw was NOT simply within my own mind, that what I saw was NOT just a product of chemical reactions occurring in the parts of my brain responsible for visual information and critical thinking. No, I firmly believe the things I saw there came from somewhere outside my brain. It couldn’t have been self-generated, I had never before ever seen anything remotely similar to what I saw; the brain would have had no source material from which to emulate and generate the hyperintense visuals.
By my third hit, I knew that I had ingested enough, so I turned to my girlfriend, told her “see you on the other side”, and laid down, closing my eyes, ready for whatever awaited me. Instantly, as soon as my eyelids closed over my vision, I saw it. I was in a dark space, tinted midnight blue, like the color of my bong, and at first it resembled an infinitely complex, self-transforming hyperdimensional shape, like a higher dimensional Rubik’s Cube constantly shifting, evolving, and pulsating under its own autonomy. Then at other times, it would take the form of a lady, just her face, and just the profile, more like a silhouette, since I couldn’t really see her features, but within her cheek on the side of her face, there was another, slightly small copy of her, but upside down. And within that iteration of her, another version right side up again. Ad infinitum. I later took to calling her the “infinite lady”. And it was she, along with the multidimensional hypershape she would occasionally take the form of, which dominated the foreground of my experience. All around I could see fractals shifting and rotating in higher dimensional space. It was absolutely beautiful, nothing could ever behave or physically exist with these properties in this universe (the one our bodies inhabit), I thought to myself. And the longer I looked at these wonderful shapes, the more wordless and formless yet infinite information was being integrated into my being, teaching me the secrets of the universe.
Now, five days removed from the experience, I can only remember the secondary feelings of what it felt like to have that understanding. Still though, that will be enough to suffice for quite a while for me. At the same time as the information entering my soul, I felt as though every moment spent there was more and more breakdown of my individual identity. True ego dissolution. I thought I had encountered ego death with the other, lower psychedelics I had done, but in reality, it was most likely only ever ego suppression, albeit very intense ego suppression, suppression nonetheless. I experienced the briefest of moments being terrified. For I had felt that as a consequence of this loss of individual self, even if in exchange for unity with The Infinite, that this was a bad thing. After all, I had put a lot of hard work into this meat reality.
I opened my eyes. Everyone and everything was still there, albeit looking a little pixelly. I remember touching my girlfriend’s arm, and her touching me. And the incredible experience that touching things is when under the influence of DMT. I felt as though I really couldn’t tell the difference between the toucher (me) and the touched (her). I felt as though we were the same consciousness experiencing itself, that the energy underneath the flesh and bone of my body, and that of hers was the same, with only these feeble and contrived physical experiences and mortal bodies separating the universal consciousness from itself.
Reassured that my outside world and my physical external body was still there, I closed my eyes again, this time allowing the dissolution to happen with far less resistance. I was given the feeling that everything would be alright, and it would be over sooner than I’d know, by now means would it be permanent. It’s just for now, the feeling said, enjoy and learn from this higher state while you can.
It’s just for now, the feeling said, enjoy and learn from this higher state while you can.
You are still Alex, it’s not like the past twenty years of accomplishments, trials, and growth are completely trivial, I just want to show you that you are also far more than that. After that, after letting go willingly and consciously, I felt as though my very physical, or metaphysical existence ended at the edges of my face. I felt as though I were simply a face floating in an infinite ocean of consciousness. I was still me, the water behind the face was still the Alex that I had grown to be for the past twenty years, it’s just now, I realized that I was indeed so much more than that. Everyone is. Identity is just the mask or the illusion of separation that comes packaged and taught with these three dimensional, weak, instinct-driven, cellular bodies that we inhabit. But underneath, past all the differences that different experiences and culture have imparted onto us, we are all literally one consciousness, that same vast ocean, connected, and interacting with itself as if there were ever more than one. That grand consciousness collective is The World, The Universe, The All, God. It’s not that I forgot who I was, I just, for once, consciously decided to let go of all of what my individual identity meant to me in that moment. And I still consider it one of the most spiritually significant and emotionally empowering and freeing experiences of this life for me.
Although this was easily the most influential experience I’ve ever had, I knew instantly after coming down (and this was not like LSD or psilocybin or cannabis at all, I didn't come down gradually, with the drug eventually letting go of me, asymptotically approaching sobriety, no, literally one moment I was still reeling from experiencing hyperdimensionality, and the next moment I was back, completely sober, with not even physiological traces of the trip, like higher heart rate, sweat, heavier breathing, ANYTHING! It was a complete night-and-day, vertical drop into sobriety, but at the same time it wasn’t jarring at all. I was just emotionally overwhelmed, almost on the verge of crying from how beautiful that place and those feelings of complete unity and loss of individuality really were), that I had not broken through. I knew that I had merely visited what most psychonauts call “The Waiting Room,” as I was still able to open my eyes and return to this reality whenever I wanted to, and that the views of that higher reality that I was seeing and the complete breakdown of my individual self only really occurred under closed eyelids, I could still see visuals like pixelation and what many DMT users have described as that “warm, golden plasma” saturating one’s vision of reality, but I knew that if I had truly “blasted off” I wouldn’t have been able to open my eyes whenever I’d wanted to, I would not have still been able to hear the music and noises of the outside world (I could, they just sounded as though they were very far away), and moreover, there would not have been enough spice left for a second trip. I realize that this was probably due to the nervousness and slight apprehension I had upon seeing my bong fill up with that thick white smoke, which smelled and tasted of plastic and “South American”, a phrase I recall myself saying on the voice recording I took, whatever the hell that means.
After much discussion and sharing of our experiences with my friends that I taken the DMT with, and after convincing my friend Melissa to overcome her anxiety and take it with us on the second time around, I torched the rest of my crystals under that sandwich of ash from my bong and went back, willingly, and now with some degree of preparedness relative to the previous trip, which in reality happened only a couple minutes previously, but to me felt like a long amount of time ago. The second time, closing my eyes and laying back after three hits, I once again was met underneath closed eyelids with the Infinite Lady and her many self-transforming forms, but this time the background of my hyperdimensional personal waiting room was cyan, teal, blue-green, a little brighter, and it felt like I was on a ship, a seafaring ship, sailing across that ocean of infinite consciousness, of which I was composed of too as well as the ship itself, towards the horizon where there was what I could only describe as some sort of higher dimensional analog to a sunset, or sunrise rather. It was a very bright, uplifting to look at, light. I’m sure that that destination was probably “the other side” that I would have gotten to if I had properly vaporized and smoked all 50 mg of my DMT rather than just tripping twice from two separate uses of it. And like the last time, although it felt like I was in “there” for much longer than five minutes (which is what my girlfriend reported that it took us), and that when I got back, it felt like the same subjective feeling of having seen a place you haven’t visited in years, it was over before I knew it. Overall, I was left not with apathy and shame towards this lower dimensional world, but even more questions and wonder about THIS life and THIS world, after having been offered a glimpse at the very edge of this 3-dimensional universe across the brink to The Higher One.
The hardest part has been trying to integrate what I saw and what I learned to my own life.
The hardest part has been trying to integrate what I saw and what I learned to my own life.
But the one thing I knew for sure from what my emotions AND logic both agreed on, was how thankful and blessed I was to have the life I do, to have the amazing and selfless and fearless friends that I have, especially the ones who opted to jump out the metaphysical plane with me (Shout out to Melissa and Veda), to have the most amazing compassionate, warm, loving, and devoted life partner that I do (Lily), and to have gotten to have this beautiful and amazing experience, which is the closest one can get to seeing what lies after death, in this life. I mean, how many people can say they’ve been brought to the edge of this world’s capacity for consciousness like that? My experience, I believe, does not make me better or higher than my fellows who have not shared in it, but if anything, they brought me to the utmost humility and empathy and love for all people and forms of life and showed me how utterly meaningless boundaries such as race, sex, religion, and culture are. I hate to sound like the clichéd stereotypical “awakened hippie”, but that truly is the kind of person I was shown I can always choose to be. The stereotype is no longer stale or trivial when one has the chance to observe and embody it from the OTHER side of the curtain.
My only regret is that I didn’t smoke enough in one sitting to break all the way through, but despite that, the Waiting Room still left me with more feelings of awe and the deepest humility and capacity to perceive beauty in all things than anything else I have ever bore witness to. And that is all we really are, simply witnesses and observers to the grand scheme that this life has in store for the consciousness that we all share underneath our differences and individual egos. 100/10
PS any feelings of anxiety, doubt, or momentary fear I did have were quickly and effectively overcome by this amazing molecule.
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