Citation: I Just Am. "Re-Connection to SourceSpirit: An Experience with Pharmahuasca (Syrian Rue & DMT) (exp108895)". Erowid.org. Jun 27, 2019. erowid.org/exp/108895
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Re-Connection to SourceSpirit. MysticalEXP
Before I start I must mention I have never tried any psychedelic like psilocybin, salvia, LSD, or ketamine or any of those high level psychedelics. MDMA with Cannabis was probably the highest I've even got with psychedelics. Although I have had ego-death spiritual experiences, through meditations, visions, near-death experiences and dreams from time to time in my life which lead me to cannabis and psychedelics in the first place. DMT just happened to fall into my life before the others. (This will be long as I have been updating it a little bit at a time for about 2 weeks now.)
Setting prayer/intention to learn what I need to learn at this time in existence and to show me divine truth I need to see and re-connect to my eternal being once again. To be guided by love, light and wisdom through this journey and experience what I need to experience to better myself and become more in balance & harmony once again. (Must mention I decided to use the 1 gram of syrian rue seeds (powdered) I had left over from an old experiment
I decided to use the 1 gram of syrian rue seeds (powdered) I had left over from an old experiment
and make a tea 1 hour before the actual trip.)
I loaded the bowl with mullein then 35mg of soul spice then ashes from hemp wick and another layer of mullein on top. I take some walks bare foot out in nature just before the the transition (if you may) to calm myself down and ground myself. The first few times were frightening because the intensity of the feeling was so Alien to me but the more I done it the more I realized I've had similar experiences and been to these places before, like a shadow memory. Its just very intense and fast paced which is probably what makes it shocking and makes the ego clench up around the body. I think changa is the better way, they say its more calming and welcoming?
I blessed the spice/water with love, light, gratitude, so that it affects all that it comes to contact with and I take a deep breath out and start pulling. After I rip it, I know the longer I hold it in the better, I really wanted a breakthrough this time because other times I never got there and the intensity made it quite frightening in the first few times and seconds and having not meditated for a while I realized the ego might of been out of balance. I just wanted to get ripped out of existence where I no longer have any memory of having a ego/body or be able to sense myself as I know my true inner-being is so much more powerful.
I held it in but then I started to feel like I'm dissolving into mist again and my head spinning and spiraling so fast felt like I was going to lose consciousness and losing complete control of my body and my breath just let go on its own at about 6-7 seconds of holding it in where my aim was 15-20 but I think due to the intensity my body just goes in shock and resorts to breathing to survive and prevent and in fear of loss of consciousness.
Just after the exhale there is a buzzing/winding/charging sound or feeling the vibration is getting faster and faster (humming) and a higher pitch noise like a carrier wave as my body has been sparked on and vibrating higher and higher like an ancient engine or primal organic machinery turning on for the first time in a long time. Like twisting the key to the ignition and all of a sudden a piece of metal moves around, sees & goes all sorts of places. If you think deep enough it isn't really no different. In this cause its not a piece of metal but energy so think anything is possible instead of just going from point a to point b or visually seeing things.
I felt as I did in the previous sessions there were some beings on my sides and around my head trying to push me or gently pull me towards moving out of my body? Or moving forward and others gesturing me to come forth which I didn't understand at the time but they were as gentle as could possibly be.
I began to see Bands & strings of energy flowing in and out of me and existence as well as numbers/letters/patterns creation each other and communicating with each other yet showing me and I understood what they were telling me and helping me in a way. It felt like my whole reality became a vibrating guitar string or a tuning fork as I was the fork and just been struck my lighting dissolving in and out of realities. I also noticed the sounds of birds outside my window chirping away and then the strangest thing happened the sounds slowed down, I mean really really slow like I was almost about to time travel or stop time.Then I lost focus of that and I was becoming multicolored strings of energy myself instead of just seeing them, I felt like I was one with them and understood myself and everything I was experiencing as my children, my creation.
As these energies flew through me they turned into a goddess and divine feminine presence a twin-flame? Spirit of Gaia? God? Whatever it was, it was the most amazing feeling felt with every core cell of my body vibrating and more like dancing vibrations. Like every cell in my body just stopped doing its job and just started to dance yet still in perfect harmony with its normal functions.
We were playing with each other like we've known each other for eternity, like two children free from culture, social, worldly conditioning, attachments and expectations that are still pure and unconditionally loving to everything and everyone around them yet at the same time not leaving everything else out but still feeling one with all creation. I couldn't love anything I saw, felt and experienced any more or less than anything else, I felt like I achieved God Consciousness, I could love a speck of dust the same as I would love a friend or family member. To me at that moment they were no different, I understood the simplicity of all creation, Its all one.
Feels like my body turned into rainbow strings of energy waves gliding with this female energy wave in sync with me flowing and dancing with me yet the movements are some form of language the whole experience there was communication going on in ways that are un-explainable through text. Not a word type of language nor telepathic, this was something even deeper and more primal or authentic. Every cell in my body felt and understood as a whole. Like I was the liquid in the spray bottle in the
Beginning as one yet even when turned into mist each part of me was still functioning as a whole no matter where every droplet of mist went.
Continuing on... There was another familiar feeling, the vibrations left of trails of rainbowy light and they would vibrate and paint wherever I keep focus on and soon as I turn my mind or think something else or look somewhere else the vibration and paint-like substance would follow like some sort of beings creating and hypnotizing environment for me to help let myself go. I saw a lot of them painting energy waves of the infinity sign multiple times and at one point the infinity sign showed me a version of my younger self which took me back to a time where I felt like I almost lost consciousness, a forgotten memory.
I also felt I was in some kind of rainbow small dome spiraling in circles as the figures were painting motions of sacred geometric patterns and I understood everything in the universe like I was inside the library of the universe and understood everything that they were saying, what was happening but now I cant remember what the hell and how I understood.
Although when I try to think deeper, about those energy wave paintings and deeper feelings I had, it was showing me how my mind creates all.
Wherever my attention was there was these energy waves following me, becoming me yet they were trying or telling me something, like waves of the ocean through my being, to help me surrender and let go possibly? But I was just struck in awe by the whole experience however I did notice when I thought of words love/surrender and just let a big breath out everything that I saw became like crystal light or angelic-light and saw a diamond shaped white face and had a super-cyan glow to it.
The strangest thing for me is the feeling. Whatever I felt, thought, literally became and turned into language
Whatever I felt, thought, literally became and turned into language
and reflected back by what I was experiencing. Is this the universe trying to tell us how our thoughts, feelings, actions shape the world around us and attract whatever we put out?
The feeling felt beyond real, beyond physical sensations, frightening at start yet feelings of comfort and home as those energy waves turned into beings and fairy-tale creatures and all happy/smiling and dancing beings around me. We were in a spiral of stars and light dancing in circles at the same time speaking an Ancient language yet not words but sounds and vibrations and music and felt like understanding oneness, dancing in vibrations, 5D beings and so on..
What was even more interesting was I was communicating with these beings in a playful/child-like way but without me choosing to say or do anything it just came out of me like the real me came out and knew all these beings, everything I said and they said was in perfect harmony, every movement, everything was exactly where its meant to be in perfect synchronicity and I was feeling like I was jesus or god or something as all the beings felt this divine presence within me and loved being around me at the same time they were learning off me yet I was learning from them.
The thought of love changes the reality of the state instantly, at moments I feel no body, I don't focus on that and focus on love and peace and let go it feels more real then real itself, which can be shocking as I am not used to it, I haven't really connected to the real me since I was born yet it feels more familiar and closer than physical reality I have been living my whole life here on earth which is one of the most mindblowing parts about it.
Everything in the energy realm communicates with me one way way or another, either by visuals or sound or other forms that are beyond my explanation. I feel like every single moment, something divine was learned, in a way was it teaching me that everything we go through and experience in life is equally as powerful and meaningful then another? Every moment felt Divine, as should every moment here in the physical state?
Feels Home, like I'm waking up into the spiritual world from a dream and this whole life here one earth is the dream and shortly after I wake up, earth and the physical world and all that stuff quickly starts to fade away similar to when we have dreams here.
As I let go I am completely vibrating one with the universe and at times I can completely forgot about my physical body and that life because in the higher dimensions is feels closer to my true self, my true Home. It gave me an understanding that We go through lower dimensions to help learn and grow to exist in higher dimensions. Ultimately, Everything feels a billion times more vibrant and authentic then the world we live in, its frightening at times how strange everything feels. Very familiar feelings and vibrations as something I felt before I was born or when I was very young, the dizzy/vibrations/high end psychedelic visuals showed me a reflection of younger self at about age 7-10 and have the exact same feeling I did then, some sort of old - trauma/fear came up, was it healed? I don't know but I felt wonderful afterwards and one with love/oneness.
some sort of old - trauma/fear came up, was it healed? I don't know but I felt wonderful afterwards and one with love/oneness.
Its only the first few moments that are a bit unusual and strange to get used to but it all depends on one's state of mind I guess and how relaxed I am. Maybe this is why people say Changa is better for first timers or that you should meditate often and practice spirituality for a while before going on a DMT journey as you are more aware and in-tune to these kind of experiences that you are more than just a physical body will make it easier for you to let go and surrender to all that is.
I felt I already knew this place as I just went to sleep to educate the others in the lower realms (If you will). Many divine beings around me all sorts of characters and patterns/colours vibrating, ever-changing life forces, energy beings and even cartoon like creatures and shapes and even those bizarre things I only see and recognize in dreams would show up in my view and the thing about this experience is that I don't just visually see things I feel them in my bones, in my soul in my cells like they communicate with me and 99.9% of the time its happy, loving, comforting vibes which shows us that to be kind and compassionate and practice love and peace is our true nature, that is what our greater consciousness is trying to show us.
One of the strangest things about the beings I saw was that I knew them all and they all knew me and we were all about laughter and smiles because in those higher realms everything is about love and similar vibrations.
Spirals of light and beings. The whole experience there was some deep communication but it felt like there was this deeper/wiser me that took over. Full of light and power one smile turned 1000 dark thoughts into mist and filled the view with crystalline light. Many moments in this experience showed me exactly how the universe worked and I am ever-grateful for it as at one moment I said to everything that I was experiencing at the time, Thank you I said and as soon as I said that
everything become much more beautiful and in harmony. As soon as I think or be something loving everything instantly think home/comfort/mother-divine. Home how a plant or flower would feel in a forest.
Now as they say in spiritual teachings, in the higher dimensions everything happens instantaneously similar to dreams, yet in physical reality due to the dense vibrations it takes time for manifestation to occur but regardless our core is still energy which this has showed me that if we keep doing loving things being kind, compassionate, peaceful and grateful and focus on the good things, good food, good life, meditation, books, art, nature, they will soon come to be our reality as we are evolving closer to the higher levels of life. Many people will think what is said here is crazy but until you go through these experience in life yourself, you can't really say anything about it no matter who you are or what you've you accomplished. This could completely change your life around in a blink of an eye.
It showed me that we attract what we are, what we think/feel/expect/put out we get back and everything here is a creation of our own mind, its like a virtual organic school of remembering with a deleted memory. IN MY Opinion. We are here to learn and grow so we can come back home naturally and end the reincarnation cycle (as the buddhist teachings say) and help earth ascended to the higher realms. This is why nowadays I no longer care about money, or material things or the physical things that much, I give and spend and just do whatever brings me my greatest joy, as I am giving to myself ultimately. Many times on MDMA I re-connected to the higher-self (if you may) and I realized something that I didn't wanna give away was just my ego holding on to material possessions when it doesn't matter at the end of the day we are all one. After I gave that away freely without any holding back I started to feel better and better every day. As I did a good deed and helped someone then I was getting helped by the universe back because ultimately that someone was just another version of me so I helped myself.
Back to the trip as I went deeper yet only was a few minutes it felt like I was going in through space and the earth itself but becoming one with them, they felt part of me, they were my babies, my creation, I created this all. I had unconditional love for everything as I was one with everything again. I loved the walls, objects, patterns, beings, energies, sounds, vibrations equally. They were all reflections of self and my creations and I was them all in one and we were talking to each other. Talk about mind-blown huh? Very happy but as powerful as it was, I felt 99.9% of it I learned something new, something updated, DNA activated was added to my program. Like I downloaded knowledge in the universe stored within me to help me with future circumstances in life and how to handle them better.
Although I must mention before I took flight I asked for this. My intention was for healing, for awakening a deeper me and showing me the truth, to heal DNA restore my mind/body/soul to a more natural/primal/balanced and pure level of consciousness again. Similar to when I did a 14 day water fast, I never felt so pure and balanced in my life.
I was going through vibrations bit of trouble letting go but I then started to visualize all these energies restoring and re-connecting/re-balancing me back to my optimal self. Breakthrough or not I learned and felt the whole existence and all creation for 20 minutes that felt like a extremely fast-paced eternity. I mean look at all this text I have written and it was only 10-15 minutes experience.
Also had deep feelings of genuine gratitude for the experience even if it wasn't a breakthrough on DMT everything that I feel, think or do feels 10000x more effective and authentic that when I say one thank you, I mean it from within, it isn't just the mind because I realize how powerful one thought can be, imagine how amazing I could create my life on earth.
Vibrational waves of loving and comforting energy around me as the divine goddess and other energy beings fused with me and danced as one energy just wow. Soon as I surrender or let go fully I feel this divine ease within me. The mind just tends to wonder off and probably need to meditate more often. The Molecule lifts the vale/vibe so I can see and feel actual reality once again.
Everything small becomes equal as everything big one and the other is the same. One has equal power as the other. One can change all as all can change one.
Its like when I smoke the molecule it releases a chemical exchange in the body that unlocks the soul/spirit that awakens the eye and I vibrate and exist beyond the body, I see whats beyond what we normally see. Everything is 1000x more vibrant and alive and flowey. Its like a cosmic energy light unlocking in my body that chemical reaction caused a certain vibration or tune to occur to unlock the higher dimensions of self very rapidly.
I felt these moments in deep meditation, it's just very slow and comforting.
I felt these moments in deep meditation, it's just very slow and comforting.
The spice is intense so if I don't meditate often it could be frightening. Scared me many times at the start but the more I get used to the feeling the more it becomes one with me and the more I remember this is how I originally existed and feel we just have been so distracted with the physical reality that when we transition to pure vibration/energy we think we are dying or losing ourselves when in reality we are
just waking up.
Its just hard to let go with such a physically focused and constructed society have (in a sense) brainwashed people on many levels. Meditation and a healthy lifestyle or being with someone I love and doing what brings me my greatest joy in life is the only way to heal and re-wire everything and release the self from man-made creations as well as these wonderful psychedelics of course.
When I fell in love with my Ex-I had my spiritual awakening and showed me all of this in a blink of an eye because I was so immersed in that love vibration that everything around me was beautiful and peaceful, I had no fear whatsoever. I would walk with her in dark places I would be scared to walk alone yet had no fear whatsoever and nothing ever happened because I was in that state and vibration of love and I only attract what I put out. Instead just be.
Bit more on the trip..
I was the vibration. I was all of it the energy/the experience, everything was one consciousness. I was thinking about restoring my body/mind to balance at one point as I noticed I didn't breakthrough but wanted to get the most cosmic download from the experience as I possible can and I felt these 2-3 energy beings Elf like floating in and around me healing me in a way I understood what they were doing at the time but now it is hard to comprehend but it felt like they were putting broken pieces of my being back in place. Like some kind of soul surgery puzzle very happy (They had only upper bodies similar to the female beings dancing with me the lower halves were pure energy and trails and fractals of patters and colours).
One of the hardest things to remember seems to be the words spoken out loud while we were dancing in spirals but yet it feels like they've been downloaded in my subconscious and will present themselves when the time is right possibly? This made me realize we are all in a way a living, organic, super computer as the physical, but the energy that powers that biological machine up is our true form/self, our higher dimensional self possibly? Our soul? The Light that gives the spark is us. We are light, We are love.
I also remember some deja vu feelings of me as a child. Seeing my face, my being, the innocent soul within, lost in a man-made matrix. The Molecule in a way connected me to that younger self again. Feels like I am reborn again or touched with the place I was just before birth. Don't ask how I have this memory, its more of a feeling than a memory but the experience gave me that same feeling again. Just before the blackness there was something magical.
Did I mention I could see and smell sounds and colours? As sounds play in the background or vibrate they create a harmonic frequency or sacred geometry waves that creates a visual vibration that I understand in a form of language and learn yet I don't know what it was but I know something was learnt. I managed to even say love and om during the experience and I felt my whole body and this whole universe became that vibration as I chanted ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm lovevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv the mmm and the vvv vibrations became a part of my being and everything else was flowing in that one vibe felt extremely deep and real and I don't even know why I did it, it just happened.
At one point it did feel like the female spirit wasn't too happy with me cause I panicked at the start like I wrapped myself around my body and didn't want to let go and a memory hit me similar to when as a child I didn't want to let go of the toy that mum couldn't buy from me. This divine female looked at me in a way that I didn't have enough to breakthrough or didn't hold it in long enough but I must of been very close or maybe I was in bit of both worlds because since birth this experience has been next to falling and opening myself up to love, one of the most powerful and knowledgeable experiences of my life. 20 minutes felt like 100 lifetimes here on earth.
My conclusion to all this is that DMT is not going somewhere, DMT is simply waking up to where I actually am. The physical reality is going somewhere at least. Like a game we tune into. We just lost touch with how to tune out like a radio frequency and wake back up. We must find balance between both realities.
Further in thought it was like my whole life or previous lives all flashed in front of my eyes in a short period of time yet I felt all of it at once and it was quite overwhelming but the the divine feminine within always makes it calmer and easier to harmonize with the vibrations. Deja vu was dripping from every interaction, every gesture, every laugh
Deja vu was dripping from every interaction, every gesture, every laugh
and there was a lot of laughing and giggling of angelic like beings/energies around me and with me. Time even stopped at one point and extremely slowed down as I noticed the relaxing music I put on my computer went really really slowwwwwww.. Possibly because when were vibrating at such a high frequency that in higher dimensions we exist beyond time/space?
Reminds me mostly of dreams when I was young, some felt like 100s of years yet only 8-10 hours of sleep had past here in the physical world. In a way I felt like I was much wiser and knew things from within that I couldn't explain to others. Maybe this is why I was so different growing up in school, I was always called weird, strange, pointed out, left out and it went on and on and on. This lead me to extreme darkness in my teenage life and through so much darkness I found light again and since then I have never stopped fighting and standing up for truth and spiritual knowledge no matter what anyone thought I knew there was something more which lead me to psychedelics and DMT and I can honestly say if it wasn't for Cannabis coming into my life I would of gone crazy by now and probably be in a nut house.
My past dark experiences is why I am so much more peaceful and kind these days and I treat friends, family, animals and everything in general I treat them all like one big family fundamentally and I think this is how all of us should treat and think of each other because we are ultimately one. Its just ego & separation that blinds us.
This is all I can remember for now, I also remember rainbow infinity signs at the start but then they turned into beautiful golden-rainbow like mandalas and or mayan-like calendars. I also forgot to mention at the start when I was seeing this rainbow ever-changing visuals and numbers/patterns it was like some little flying jesters/gnomes were painting it all out for me and trying to get my attention maybe to help me let go? I was just going with the flow but it sure always seems like there is beings/creatures always trying to make me focus on something or trying to help me with something. I understood what they were doing had something to do with helping me surrender or letting go (when I think deeper into this I realize they could be reflections of my own consciousness helping my ego-self let go and calm). It almost seemed like they were trying to distract me from something else by creating these vivid hallucinations for me.
The strangest thing about this whole experiences that I already knew and believed in all of this stuff to be possible, I knew from within I was something more and part of something bigger I just couldn't confirm it and this experience reminded me of everything I once knew in a flash and I remembered everything even though I don't now, deep down I understand.
As days go by and I add more to this, I think that's exactly what I needed to bring me back to balance again, I needed something so strong and powerful so the ego completely shits itself knows its place and who's really in control. In a way even though I felt a bit frightened the first 10-20 seconds deep down I was happy for this to happen so it steps down to its place and learns to respect its master and know that the inner-being is far more powerful.
Thinking of this deeper(1 week later). Ultimately it felt like my eternal self was helping my mind/ego self let go and all those beings helping me during the experience sas ultimately me and a manifestation of my consciousness.
The substance literally unlocked my 3rd eye to its maximum and instantly put me into a dream/astral world in a sense.
DMT made me realize I am that higher intelligence I experienced within the trip, those higher beings as I recognized helping myself through their actions, I was sent to help self understand itself better and a vision told me something that I never really thought about until this trip and it was like me asking myself or the divine feminine within, if this physical reality and physical world is the only true world and reality that exists, why would it be limited? Wouldn't I think the realest most authentic form of life would be unlimited and godlike so anything is possible? Why are we free in dreams and limited here? Clearly everything is taught backwards.
DMT showed me everything, as I am everything, this is why we know everything and remember everything whilst on it but then forget how we knew everything when back in the physical, this is the body's self defense mechanism so one can learn individually without having memory of its infinite intelligence within or it would be pointless to exist within the physical. When one goes back there one remembers everything again Smile (Like when I go back to re-urring dreams, I remember everyone and everything like I've always been there, similar to that episode of star-trek voyager in the holo-deck when they are spending time in that town).
In one part I remember touching a number 9 and it felt like I just read every single book in the universe that relates to the number 9 and it went beyond that I even knew things about that go beyond explanation. The experience does unlock something within, the more time goes by the more things come to me.
If there was no more DMT in the world I would still be happy for a lifetime, even if I didn't breakthrough. I remember now, I did before, in past lives and higher forms of life, I've always been everywhere and knew everything and my dreams as a child gave me tastes of those realms.
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