DOSE:		smoked	Heroin	(powder / crystals)
		insufflated	Heroin	(powder / crystals)
		smoked	Cannabis
		smoked	Tobacco

BODY WEIGHT:

75 kg

A Year's Review

I’ve been using heroin for just under a year now; At first I was so cautious, putting it off for a while after first getting it, waiting for when I particularly needed a sedative - one night after going out drinking with some acid I first got it out, some nice pure white No 4 from SE Asia. I got a good first lesson because of mixing it with alcohol, which I overlooked because it was around under 5 pints and I probably didn’t feel that drunk because of the acid; but going to sleep I had a real visceral feeling of falling backwards, which was relatively scary, and imbued me with a fair bit more respect for such ‘rules’ as not mixing it with other sedatives. It did unlock some feeling of energy pathway in my very lower spine, which theoretically I had unlocked with yoga - but it had been some time since practising, or having a close human relationship, so maybe it’s a relativity to the opiate system. On the other hand, spiritual types say drugs open one up to ‘entities’, and dope has a definite dark character to it - perhaps it’s something to do with this as well.

I read on Heroin Helper that chipping should be at most once every three days - that is to say three days sober. I fell into this pattern quite soon, initially thinking that I would only use it to come down off acid or stims, or use it recreationally once a month, or once a week perhaps. After roughly 2 months of this chipping pattern, I thought to push my boundaries, because there’s a Damon Albarn song where he talks about ‘5 days on, two days off’. Maybe it was in fact ‘three days on, two days off’, but I remembered it as the former. I then binged for 5 days (lightly, evenings, ish) playing assassins creed, which has been a favourite past-time throughout this last half year, then stopped cleanly when I attended a wedding. Feeling fine all day, at night I woke up with THE WORST restless leg syndrome - jolts of pain down my arms and legs, with the base of the spine feeling like the epicentre of a vacuum. Apparently I woke up every 4 minutes or so, and indeed I spent a while struggling to get back to sleep through bed acrobatics. I read afterwards dope changes the way your body uses glucose, and this is your brain running out of glucose while trying to defrag the brain or whatever. Explains why a sugary tea or soft drink is so yummy while nodding.

Another point; tolerance comes. I looked this up too and apparently it’s basically never the same. Those few weeks with assassins creed will always have a special place in my memories. I also had some nice convos with my parents, who I live with (23). A book (pharmakognosis) I have says the character of the poppy is mother’s boy. It definitely slows me down to a vibration more like theirs, which I have felt snowed-in under since I moved back in - I can’t think or be myself here because I make like so much telepathic noise I was irritating my parents, not that they expressed this. But I definitely felt ‘within their rhythms’ since moving back (after uni).

The next general period in the story I did loose chipping, something like one day on, one day off, one day on two days off, two days on one etc off - having to use more just to feel anything! Like many bumps on foil (No 3). I found the rush off No 3 delightful, and after I could hit it properly this is what sparked more frequent use - I still got No4 when I could because it was a bit less fun but more nice (insufflated). One time maybe in early summer (its September now) I got through .5 of No3 and .5 of No4 costing £90 in two weeks. I managed to justify this because prior to this whole time there was a period where I was easily smoking £10 of bud a day, though I noted that I must not make a habit, and have to scale back tolerance. Usage through this period was more or less everyday.

I weened myself off with codeine (cough syrup, available legally don’t you know), tapering that down (sort of) before going away for two weeks, sober. This presented no problem, except for some boredom, which I related to an apparently strong internet addiction, and not getting to sleep until 3, but this is more or less pre-existing for me. I had work to be getting on with and books to read, as well with good weather and food. Didn’t notice any physical cravings or withdrawal, but I chain read all the Morbo2000 stuff in the first week, which I found haunting and enticing. I arranged on holiday that I would be ‘in stock’ as soon as I was back, so here I guess one can see quite a mental attachment. It is really rather nice though. I’ve even been smoking less bud (some days none at all) as dope is more functional / not psychedelic. On returning home though, I chain smoked a .5 in 3 days, playing another assassins creed game, which just wasn’t as good as the first one. More to the point it just wasn’t fun. I still played it for 3 days though. I was really attached to the sense of an oasis I’d created with the same recipe just some time before.

After those 3 days, I woke up not being able to get a full breath of air - a feeling of damage to the lungs, which as I've figured out is probably a combination of inhaling a copious amount of organic matter quite forcefully - inhaled aluminium (didn’t pre burn the sheet, didn’t affect anything noticeably before though), and general suppression of the cough reflex throughout. This was disappearing slowly until recently, which is two weeks since then, and I accidentally inhaled some glue from a pipe I was fiending when I ran out of dope. Instant feel of something heavy stuck in my chest, instant chemical taste from within. This subsided only with time, not drinks, and a week or so after when I guess it wasn’t so bad I went to a friend’s and smoked a few spliffs, and had proper hetchy coughs the day after - I guess I’m still very much on the edge of recovery. It is all the symptoms of emphysema, which I have experienced before a bit more than a year ago, in a heavy period of smoking, where I was having a fat spliff every half an hour, in the end coughing and retching after every tiny draw. I put the rest of my stash into oil, which I ended up not using that much as I had an essay to do anyway. This was all sparked by the death of my grandma who I was living with, not that I wasn’t a heavy smoker before - but there was more of a dip in dopamine, and I found myself using cocaine for college, until after a couple of grams and one particularly heavy sesh with ethylphenidate I started getting heart pains, so I stopped doing coke (or ritalin) and started takings herbs for my heart. I started using laughing gas quite a lot, which does get the opiate receptors, or does dopamine or whatever, but was quite impractical.

So I must say I have found papaver very useful. Very strong in small amounts, very heavy which I got used to (or forgot) but relaxing, and functional - not like being stoned which is only good for watching movies and for inspiration. I guess I started using dope more after getting picked up by the cops, when I basically had a bout of psychosis, staying up all night writing poetry (which was great, by the way) on ritalin and smoking. I even wrote in the poem that I imagine police and fear of getting arrested interact in some annoying way. And then in the morning I have my first college obligation, to enroll, and the journey into London is far so I arranged to go to my friends after, brought lots of goodies. Near college I see a flank of cops walking, overtake them, go into a shop and get an energy drink, turn outside and sit by a wall and make a snap decision to roll a spliff. I KNEW I was meant to stop using tobacco as well, on some higher angel sh*t. A combination of this with probably thrill-seeking was the case, because except for a few loose pills in the baggie I would have easily rolled and been on my way. I don't think I was ever planning to smoke in that spot. So I just finish rolling and holding it and the PC walks round the corner.

I basically have to have stuff out in front of the feds to get stop searched - I have heard this is different if you are black. I spent ten hours in a cell and got a caution later, this was pretty harrowing and traumatising, but it did kick my butt into gear for my new course. Irrational worries are coming back with a vengeance though since fucking up my lungs, a side-effect of the discomfiture from struggling to get a full breath - on a mental and physical level. I also have concerns with the H coming from Afghanistan with all the dead children and what not. I have more or less made myself complacent with philosophy; no different to oil, will make up for the karma, break some eggs to make an omelette etc. I feel more guilt than with the blood on coke from all the stuff there. But the war in the middle-east is my war, so I have been experimenting with agreeing with the war - I have been getting more dark / serious / military-y / right wing for a couple years anyway. I’m on the fence in general but this is a point, it actually weighs on my mind a fair bit, again, especially since the lungs.

I think with the lungs I can see the shadow of things I’ve read in all the worst trip reports. It speaks to a pattern of usage. During term-time I was keeping busy with tai-chi, martial arts etc. multiple times a week as well as work, and I found that it did genuinely complement many activities, esp. the down-slope (relaxing in the evening). Since summer’s hit it’s gotten more out of control - but not fast - it is also good for reading books which I’ve had to do. But people say Heroin takes everyone from you, family and friends. After a good couple months of what must be close to full-time use, with the holiday in between, I’ve come to a point. I ran out and tided over with kratom or codeine as before, but didn’t really taper so had the leg issue at night again, which was soothed with a top-up of kratom. But I went and saw friends and was sober (well md and ket, not ‘fixed’ as it were), and stayed over and spent the next day watching TV there. I hadn’t seen my old friends much at all this year in particular, but seldom since school, and I just came back and was really sad like two days in a row.

I guess this is withdrawal, but there was a strong emotional component. I’ve been working so hard and full-time, on my own with no human connection (except for my parents - no friends really) for this year solid. Something like this happened before back last winter when I was still in that first .5 of SEA No 4 (which lasted for a while - in total I have gotten through roughly 4-5g). I went out with a casual friend and his circle, took 8 tabs and fled the club in a metaphysical quandary, heading straight home (which took a good couple of hours as I was in a different city - I snuck aboard a coach bound for London and bumped through ticket barriers on the train as I left my coat in the cloakroom). I was thinking about all my grief on the way home - I think what was triggering (except for the high dose of acid, slimy club vibes and hallucinations of demons) was that it wasn't my circle of friends - I felt like I was trying to relive the past. Same as when I got arrested, I was in some festival mindset in west-London (posh bit), no bueno. I don’t dress like a ragamuffin anymore either. Point being, I got back home still tripping nicely, sort of broke down crying in the mirror for about half a minute, then drowned my sorrows in sweet white dope. Had a good face for when my parents and sister came home, and had a nice moment with her which sort of cleared some old baggage.

This was the same thing recently, I was on the edge of tears, for longer as I was dry (sober), and was just feeling all the feelings again. I realised with clarity how I block out all pain, which I guess I always knew. But I guess I saw why people imbue heroin with animate spirit when they say it will take everyone from you, blocking emotional pain with drugs isolates me from everyone else, not least because it floods my body with the chemical I'm supposed to get from human interaction. My problem is that I have no one I can talk about all my problems to, but at the same time I stopped yoga and meditation which are quite balancing because drugs are easier. Difference is with a clear head I get this energy that draws people to me - and drugs are just very isolating, like a private chemical show. I am on an intense course and spending a lot of time on my own and dope does help me, but I can see that if one uses it to fill a hole it will suck everything down; it’s a black hole, a bottomless pit of despair. I reached out to some some friends emotionally, but H is still largely a secret. Which is kind of hard, too.

Going forward I think I will continue using it, I basically have to do this course well, and there’s no time for my emotions (or it feels like it). But it’s not like I’m going to slow pace work-wise after this course, so I’m definitely going to regulate it more stringently . I’m also not sure how much my angels like it, but I think they are quite gracious with me and not so strict in an ethical sense - tobacco thing was because it was actually doing damage to me. Which is I guess why ‘they’ have been exacerbated by the lung damage, for which I have gotten an inhaler which is not actually as good as bud, which I’m vaping, for the asthma. As well as some herbs for lung health. From what I’ve read COPD can be cured naturally, and though I think I’m too young for that, I think I definitely need to regrow some air-sacs, and I’m sure all will go well. I’m ready to go to the doctors though, and certainly will if there’s not a marked improvement within a week. But I’ll keep my ears open for that good guy on my shoulder, reassess my habits and return to having some days off (should be easy re-starting all those [sports] sessions) before I start getting dope-sick, which I am on the verge of.

So yeah, certainly there’s a stigma, but certainly it’s some heavy stuff! My heart goes out to all my kin in the US dying at an unprecedented rate because of the fentanyl. I think all of us need to urgently think about what sort of society we will engender going forwards. Everyone would be as sad as these teens if not for all the pharmaceuticals they are on. I listened to Ram Dass a lot esp. about how to handle death (and life) in a sane and loving way, then when my grandma fell ill I ran away from the pain, as usual. Barely saw her in her last days, didn’t talk to her and used the fact that I had college work as an excuse as I ran upstairs to have a spliff - medicating the pain IN ADVANCE. Not even doing life things. I was astounded by how unceremonious death is. Our culture definitely sweeps emotions, death esp. under the rug. I’ve had a peek under and I’m feeling a spring clean is in order. Our culture is so schizophrenic, not even engaging emotionally with each other as we war with distant countries. I’ve been trying out this whites = evil metaphor in an unbiased way to comprehend some of these things, and it goes some way. I feel there’s a definite danger of getting sucked into justifying some truly bad things with that, though. ‘One God’ is another, but how then to cultivate the ‘good’ specifically - I think it is as according to Kabbala, in the upper worlds is form and in the lower realms is lack of form. I think as long as one has their personal reasons, it’s something they can review when they die.

I definitely went over a few guilts and things, reaching out to friends and to past memories and transgressions. I feel very bad for letting my grandma die alone (some of her children and spouses were knocking around, but one didn’t show up - this emotional distance is somewhat of an inherited problem), although I certainly can, and have sugarcoated this and every other time I have shirked pain. I will stay a chipper on the edge of the whirlpool as I may be. Why is there so much pain. Shanti shanti shanti

Exp Year: 2016	ExpID: 109204
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 23
Published: Aug 19, 2020	Views: 2,647
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