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Post Breakup, With Mirror Gazing
by E for Elephant
Citation:   E for Elephant. "Post Breakup, With Mirror Gazing: An Experience with LSD (exp109320)". Erowid.org. Nov 20, 2016. erowid.org/exp/109320

1 hit   LSD (blotter / tab)


LSD Tabs Double Strength
plus Mirror Gazing

In preparation, I sit with and accept my karma. This is the purification ritual. If shown my faces and asked to choose a face, I choose none, and so the rest follows.

It's a Thursday evening and I've just broken up with my boyfriend of 6 years, which was an immense relief for both of us. We had been trying to do it gracefully for the past year or more and hadn't yet succeeded. I am drinking some wine and decide that the thing I need at that moment is to drop this blotter acid that I've been saving, which is quite strong. A year previously my friends and I each took a half tab of the same on a Tuesday evening at Burning Man. The following trip was intense and lasted the entire night and included a birth and rebirth as well as a very powerful goddess sighting at the temple of Mazu. This dose of a full tab that I've given myself on this night is the strongest psychedelic trip that I've ever signed up for in my entire life.

That being said, I put off taking this substance this year at the Burning Man Festival, though I did prepare myself as if I were going to trip. I'd better do what I set out to do.

-The come up-

As I lay on the couch in our dark living room still tipsy from the wine, the room is suddenly so intensely illuminated from nothing but the municipal street lamps that charmingly light our downtown neighborhood at night. At this time my ex-partner walks in the room, and I admit to him what I've just done to myself. He smiles and accepts and goes to bed. Later on in the evening I bother him for some cigarettes which he obliges.

What follows is several hours of me digesting the swirl of information that has comprised my consciousness for the last few years, work, play, social media, friends, relationships, family. All is unfolded before me.

The trip washes over me in waves as I sit peacefully, rave to myself quietly, or explore what appears to be the merging of the spiritual world with the very fabric of my reality. I do this for several hours, most of the night in fact.

At some point I have placed my folded yoga mat in the middle of the kitchen, and I watch as the tiles are transformed with nothing other than the otherworldly mandala that sits at the heart of all things. My little black cat chooses this moment to appear crouched in the middle of the yoga mat as if he too sees the abyss beneath us and has chosen my mat to reside upon as if were a life raft amid the turbulent waters.

At another point I decide to tear a book recommended to me by a friend straight in half using the old phone-book trick. I guess that served as my critical review of that content. I shared the pictures with him in a text message. I hope he appreciated the humor. I think so, he's very into situationist theater and dadism. He's also a dad. Joke.

In the early hours of the morning, after using the toilet facilities and nicely cleaning off the crusty gunk on the inside of the toilet bowl, as well, so very nice of me, I decide to embark upon a mirror gazing journey. Yes, because if I'm going to go deep I might as well go that deep. Lucky for me all the work I did in preparation that previous evening, night and the months leading up to the drop left me open to experience what was shown without spiraling into ego-craving meltdown. I'm a dumbass. And reckless. As. FUCK.

Brave also. Very very brave.

I sit gazing into the mirror and watch as my face ages into this life and then flashes past all the rest of my lives on this spiral. It is true what they say, I am a very old soul. I have lived many long and full reincarnations on this spirit so my past lives happily look like nothing less than a long procession of very attractive and happy grannies. My name suits me well.

After a time I was asked to choose a face so I played with this concept a bit, but in the end chose no face. Happily I was gifted with a fleeting sight of what I believe is the Buddha face gazing back at me. I've had a few visions before of Buddhist teachings shown to me, very memorable the Abhaya Mudra amid a swirling cloud as I lay trance meditating something during the period in which my Grandmother passed.

And then, because I think he has been on my mind a lot in these recent days, just about since August 28th, right before I left for Burning Man, I see all my new paramours lives and ancestry as well. I won't reveal a story that is not mine to tell but a few notes:

I didn't know that was a thing.

I wonder if he is a gemini, and I shall ask him next time we meet.

It was at first uncomfortable to wear another person's faces all at once, no less a man's faces but then also realizing that it was someone I knew. Very intense. As a result I decided to ask him if he had some time to spend with me over the weekend. I wonder what he will reply.

After that, it was back to a little cross eyed gazing and symmetry viewing. I should review what the mechanism is that tends to give this impression with LSD specifically. After that I decided that I needed to give my eyeballs a rest and not go heavy on the contact wearing for the next few days, and remain unassisted if at all possible. I think I can do it if I enlist the help of some friends. I am functionally blind without correction so this is a pretty serious request. I think modern optometry is very effective but it can be very jarring and stressful on the eyes if one's vision needs extensive correcting.

I am very afraid of total vision loss so this is something I should explore more in the future. As a visual artist there are many implications and professional ramifications of this loss of vision. Not all bad. Some great art is achieved by functionally blind artists.

As I come down I get an e-mail alert that a job that I would very much like to have is matched to me. It seems I've already applied for this job and am stonewalled by the indifference of internet jobs databases. So I do something kind of ballsy and send an email to the founder of the company at which I was just laid off to see if he could assist me with getting an interview.

More comedown. A little attempts at napping and figuring out what I'm meant to do with myself for the next few days. Good morning to my ex who's happy to be on his way to work and not displeased to see me. We can be friends again and that is a relief after all the fighting because we really are good friends. I'm overcome with the urge to share writing on a platform of my choosing and it appears that the droplet (virtual server host service) with my install of Ghost that I set up about a year ago is still live. I forgot the password though, and I may not have set up my e-mail settings correctly to retrieve lost passwords on the server side of things so I'll have to debug that later when I'm a little less loopy. I'd rather troubleshoot than have to start all over from scratch. It was a pretty big feat to set up in the first place as a first ever Linux server admin project. And now I sit writing and getting ready to make my first ever submission to the Erowid vaults on LSD.

Good times.

Exp Year: 2016ExpID: 109320
Gender: Female 
Age at time of experience: 32 
Published: Nov 20, 2016Views: 1,531
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LSD (2) : General (1), Alone (16)

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