DOSE:

3 tablets

oral

MDMA

BODY WEIGHT:

160 lb

What happened to me was permanent this far, 15 years and on….
I was a fairly regular kid but I knew I was sensitive or suspected that I was sensitive to drugs as I compared my hangovers to my friend’s reactions when it came to trying mushrooms, weed, drinking.. nothing crazy, but I just never used as much as they did generally.

So when I was in grade 6 something happened to me, a switched flipped week, I became depressed. And of course at that age I didn’t notice it but other people commented. Shortly afterward I became ~Bipolar~ I guess… I thought I was just depressed and it took me probably 5 years to actually notice. “Hey, I’m super on top of the world where everything is just fucking great, and I just love everything for 1 day, and then I crash and 29 days, I’m feeling terrible, just depressed”. When it’s happening to you, it’s really hard to figure out that there actually is a pattern. It’s like I was too close to the problem and couldn't see what it was, like having my nose to a poster.

I had seen my own personal psychiatrist who worked with me for a while, had tried multiple meds including Lithium and some SSRI’s. Nothing,.. it just made me feel more fucked up and I felt like someone else. It sucked because I really had no idea ~who~ I actually was or what I actually liked.

By the time I was 24, I was circling suicide. All that kept me here was just the idea of ~hope~… and that I loved my family. But everyday was the worst ever.

By the time I was 24 I had tried ecstasy twice in the previous year, 1 pill each time… I liked it because the immediate feeling was - I felt NORMAL. Then once it really kicked in I felt everything pleasant people normally claim. The first couple times the high lasted 6-8 hours.

Then after not doing it for 9 months, we went to system sound bar in Toronto and we all did it again, all of us using the same lot from a large dealer who we were with and he was using the same pills… he took at least 9 of them. I took my usual 1 and it really didn’t do much of anything, like 1/3 of what I had experienced before. After 1.5 hours I took a second. After 30 min, nothing. I took a 3rd, which I had slightly more response to, but probably just up to 40% of what I had experienced before.

That night I knew it was gonna be my last time doing MDMA. So when I got back home I thought I’d rub one out as I normally would do. They say it's supposed to be amazing on E. So I got started reluctantly which isn’t normal. After 2hrs of frustration not pleasure, I came. And it was 20% of the feeling of cumming I was used to. And I remember thinking, wow… hope this isn’t permanent.

Turns out it was. I tried to cum the next night and cam in 30min, but 1/3 of the orgasm and 1/3 of the ejaculate.

After about a month I’d say I feel about 40% of the orgasm what I felt pre-E, and still 1/3 the ejaculate. And it’s been the same ever since.

Now for the good part.

I following day, I felt different. Not good. Not Bad. Kinda in the middle. And I thought ok, this is the recovery phase. 4 days later the same. Not good. Not bad. 2 weeks later the same. I didn’t know what to make of it... IS THIS PERMANENT?!! I couldn’t really cum, but I felt really fucking stable mentally. It was really fucking weird to be... Not depressed! I didn’t really know how to feel or who I was for that matter. It’s like being a new person, I'm still ~me~ but I'm not drowning and being bombarded by depression and that feeling of being caught in a tornado. I imagined is this what other people feel like?!? NO wonder they can get stuff done and look 'normal'. Fuck this is easy when I'm not being destroyed everyday by a tornado.

After that my life just came together. Went to school for medicine, got a job. Not getting fired -weird- Everyday's the same. I feel the little emotions of life's ups and downs. Let go of a few girl friends, which I know I would have killed myself if I had to deal with that before. But doing great! In a body where when I go to bed, I wake up the same person. It still amazes me today. I’m with the absolute girl of my dreams, I can’t even believe most days that she’s with me, and I appreciate her everyday...everyday.

That is just what happened to me, my story. Anything could have been in those pills. But I know what it's like to be on the edge and not care... don't do anythings stupid! Listen to your inner person!

Exp Year: 2001	ExpID: 109328
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 24
Published: Oct 10, 2016	Views: 1,722
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MDMA (3) : Depression (15), Post Trip Problems (8), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Retrospective / Summary (11), Not Applicable (38)