Citation: Alters of Oceans. "I Considered It to Be My Prescription: An Experience with Phenibut (exp109379)". Erowid.org. Apr 4, 2019. erowid.org/exp/109379
A Long Extensive Look into My Journey on Peanut Butter
I donít see too many in depth reports about the extensive use of phenibut. Even online, there are only reports about the dangers of extended use. Iíve tried to find information regarding the pros and cons of using over time, along with experiences from those users. There is not much information out there apart from the scientific explanation of composition, marketing points from vendors, and horror reports from abusers. Iím sure there is more out there to compile a more extensive ďlaymanísĒ study, but for now, I will report on what Iíve come to find. Iíve been using and loving Phenibut (to which I will refer as PB or peanut butter moving forward) for just short of 2 years now. I have learned many things from this curious supplement and have had many ups and downs. Overall, I would say that it is a miracle drug and I plan to continue using for an undetermined length of time.
First, I will give a bit of background. I am a 31 year old, slightly handsome, medium tanned dude. I am 6í1Ē and 210lbs give or take depending on the season (put it on a bit in the summer, I have no idea why). I have been a mild drug user for all of my teen years on in to my lower to mid-20ís. Iím pretty well adjusted and have always had a positive disposition with sharp intelligence and quick wit. Around the age of 25 or so I decided, along with my wife, to give up drugs. We smoked a lot of pot, and were hitting the coke a little harder than we should have. We both decided it was time to put it all down, and for no reason other than it was time to grow up and move on. This wasnít a very hard thing to do considering I had been an everyday pot user at that time in my life, longer than I had been a non-user. However, we did continue to drink alcohol. At first, it wasnít an issue. I would drink socially, have a good time, laugh and joke and so on. Over time however, it became a problem. I didnít drink every day, but I drank every time I had the chance. I loved being drunk
I didnít drink every day, but I drank every time I had the chance. I loved being drunk
, having a buzz, the euphoria of the warm alcohol blanket. In my head I was superman, I was funny, smart, free caring and sociable. By this time my wife and I had a child, a little girl whom I love dearly. My wife didnít approve of my drinking, and long story short, my habit got to the brink of losing both of them.
I started looking for an alternative. I have always been into natural herbs and plants that harbored intoxicating properties. I used a lot of Kava, passionflower, mugwort, California poppy, lotus flower, VERY SMALL DOSES OF DATURA LEAVES, etc. Nothing really seemed to effectively substitute. I was looking into Kratom one day, and chanced upon a vendor which also advertised a white powder substance labeled Phenibut 99.9% pure. I was curious, what a strange name for a substance, Iím willing to bet there is something to this mysterious white powder. After all, anything fitting those criteria and marketed as 99.9% pure is surely to be worth a deeper look. After some research and intrigue, I decided to place an order along with some kratom, which by that time consequently measured less interest. After a few days with sweaty hands and anticipation shits, my package arrived. I pulled out the plastic zipper pouch which contained the white crystalline powder (and the kratom was there toÖ whateverÖ fucking haza! I guess. Iíll try it out later). It came with a little plastic measuring spoon equivalent to 250mg, instructions on proper use as well as a certificate of analysis from the batch lab.
Later that night I was on a job at a pretty dangerous chemical refinery. The refinery industry is pretty big in my area and unless youíre a doctor or lawyer, this vocation was going to be my only means of breaking into a 6 figure income. I was apprehensive about trying out my new bag of mysterious magic. It is reported to cause drowsiness and I needed to maintain constant vigilance for my job. After a couple of hours I decided, what the hell, I might as well try a little bit and see what happens. I knew from my research that it would take up to 2 hours to kick in, and I wasnít going to be on that job for too long so fuck it.
*I should note here, that I left the little 250mg scooper at home. Everything that I had read cautioned to keep the dose between 500mg Ė 1g. The best scooping devise I had was the cap of a 16oz bottle of water. I carefully filled the cap about half way, estimating what I could eyeball as 1g more or less. [Erowid Note:
Two samples of powder (even of the same chemical) with equivalent volumes won't necessarily weigh the same. For this reason, eyeballing is an inaccurate and potentially dangerous method of measuring, particularly for substances that are active in very small amounts.
See this article on The Importance of Measured Doses.]
I dumped the powder from the cap into the remaining portion of my water bottle which was approximately 4oz. I screwed the cap back on and commenced to shake it for a short time. ďHere goes nothingĒ, I tipped it back and swallowed down what I could only describe as the yellow sweat of Luciferís ass balls. Fuuuuccckkk this shit is foul! It has a very sharp salty / citric taste, and lingers on the taste buds for approximately eternity. Luckily, I had some Gatorade with which I could wash out the horrible witchcraft water. I waited about 1.5 hours with no noticeable effects. Like a typical fucking middle school novice on the verge of critical butt hurt, I decided to re-dose. I repeated the method in the same steps previously described, only this time I was out of water, I only had the Gatorade. It didnít taste any better with Gatorade. Nothing works for the taste, no matter what I put it in, it will make that drink taste like the congealed liquid from Gene Simmonsí boot after a summer night KISS show (KISS is an older bandÖ your parents could probablyÖ. Whatever boot sweat, you get it). Iíve found it best to just drink with water, over time the acridness tends to diminish.
After about another 30 min there was no guessing. I was fucked up. My head was buzzing hard and my body felt like it was floating. My coordination was noticeably discombobulated, and when I say noticeably, I only mean that it was noticeable to me. From an outsiderís perspective I was totally fine, I could communicate well, I was well balanced and cognitive. On the inside however, I was partying. I felt like I was wasted on alcohol, but functionally wasted. It was great! Iíve heard a lot of reports compare the effects of PB with benzos, but I dare say thatís an injustice and blasphemy. To be honest, I couldnít compare this with any other drug in my catalog, nootropic or otherwise. My body was drunk, my mind was lucidly expanded. I would have sporadic peripheral hallucinations, like flashes of pictures or lights, everything was much more vivid and vibratory. It was like walking in a lucid dream. It was fucking amazing. I took that feeling home with me, and quite effortlessly fell asleep.
*I should also note that I did drive home. This is not a good idea until you are absolutely sure how this drug will affect you. In case you didnít ascertain from my dosing log, I overdosed. I was too impatient and took more than I needed. Though to me it didnít register as a negative overdose, I found it incredibly difficult to drive and in my inebriated state, I put myself and others in severe danger. [Erowid Note:
Driving while intoxicated, tripping, or extremely sleep deprived is dangerous and irresponsible because it endangers other people. Don't do it!]
The next morning I woke up still very much under the influence. I was very drowsy, but didnít find it difficult to get out of bed. My body and head was buzzing hard. My euphoria was still at peak, I felt great. I felt alive and also tired, drugged tired. I felt the effects continuing on for the rest of the day, totaling 24 full hours approximately. I just couldnít believe how powerful this shit was. This little 50 gram bag of white powder purchased so inexpensively over the internet, on such a practically small dose, got me that fucked up for that long. I was onto something, and I just couldnít wait to find out more.
My use continued over the next few weeks, though I was much more conservative with my measurements by that time. However, I still didnít look at that tiny 250mg scooper with any measure of seriousness. Instead I would use little kitchen measuring spoons. Most days I would use about ľ teaspoon, others Ĺ. If I really wanted to party I would take a whole teaspoon, but I would always take a break after 3 days of using.
Before I dive too far off topic, I did experiment with the Kratom. Whenever I take herbs and plants, I always prepare it in a tea. I never felt any of the effects described by Kratom users. Even with relatively high doses I could only remark on a slight ďglowingĒ feeling. There were few occasions where in I would combine the PB with my tea. I didnít do this for long however, and after only a few times of doing so did I discontinue the use of Kratom completely. To explain, Iím not 100% on the synergy of these two substances, but on the times I would use both, I noticed black outs (as much as one can notice a blackout). My wife had told me that on one night, I went into my daughterís bathroom and stood in the tub, staring at the wall. She asked me what I was doing, to which I replied, ďComprehending MommaĒ. There was another instance where I had gotten up off the couch late one night. I told my wife that I had to go pee and walked right into my daughterís room wherein she was fast asleep. My wife went in after me. Curiosity sleuthed about her dumbfounded face as she gazed upon her husband, standing in a dimly lit room, combing his hair with paper towels. The only explanation given here was that ďmy feet arenít the only ones doiní stuffĒ. Neither of these situations do I remember to this day.
There was one that I do recall however, and it was the last one. I was dispatching for my job at the time. This was something I did from home at night and on weekends. A refinery terminal would call my office line, which was rolled to my phone. They would request the services provided by my industry and in turn, I would dispatch out one of our employee contractors to service said request. It was one such night that a call had come in around 2 in the morning. It was somebody asking questions regarding a laboratory analysis (one of our services is testing chemicals). I can clearly remember hanging up the phone and it was like I was in a dream. Think astral projection. I was awake and conscious, but not. Something in my head told me ďYour Wife knows the number to [location], ask her to call them and (get the answer)Ē. Now there was no fucking way on Earth my wife knew the number to [location], nor would she even be able to comprehend the subject of question. That was absolute nonsense. Nevertheless, I walked right into the room while she slept and asked, ďHey will you call [location] and ask if theyíve started on the sulfur and chlorides for that slateĒ. As you could imagine, my wife asked me what the fuck I was even talking about. I immediately snapped to reality, and while still looking at my phone replied cunningly, ďOh, speak to textÖ. Sorry didnít mean to wake youĒ. Fucking idiot. Needless to say, I put the Kratom down after that. Not that experiences such as those are necessarily a bad thing. If I were back in my youth, I would probably continue experimenting in such a manner. However, by my own accord, Iím too old for that kind of nonsense.
As time went by over the next few weeks I noticed a shift in the way peanut butter affected me. No longer was it causing me the overwhelming feeling of being intoxicated. Now the drug took on more accentuated nootropic properties. My memory became much clearer, my thoughts and speech were as fluid as a 17th century poet, and my humor was sharper than it had ever been. Music was also much more profound and enjoyable. Much like taking ecstasy, I would react to music with more passion and vitality. Equally, itís important to account that Iíve never had too much a problem with anxiety in the past, though there were occasions where in I would become rather anxious. Much like many semi shy dudes, I had some slight trouble communicating with very attractive women, presenting myself in front of large crowds, speaking cohesively under duress, etc. Phenibut blew all of that right out of the water. Never in my experience was there ever a remedy so hard hitting and effective for decimating all levels of anxiety. I would find myself effortlessly speaking with intimidatingly beautiful women, and even flirting a safe bit. However, just for the record, I am a very dedicated husband to my wife and family, to whom I pledge my whole heart and no one else. Nevertheless, I had no problem just being the man Iíve always dreamed of being. It was an absolute miracle to have found this wonderful ticket to the golden me. I completely quit drinking, as by that time PB took away any and all desire to use alcohol. There were a few occasions where I had consumed maybe 1 or 2 beers, but it did not mix well with the PB. I found the effect of alcohol to be heavy and uncomfortable, my mind was totally recalibrated.
After a few months I had slipped into an everyday habit. I was no longer using caution about the issue of tolerance.
After a few months I had slipped into an everyday habit. I was no longer using caution about the issue of tolerance.
Once I reached the peak of my use, I found a balanced measure of what I needed to get off. My threshold dose is about 4.5 Ė 5 grams, or 1tsp approximately. Anything over that would be more than I would need, and then I would get into the overwhelming drowsiness / nodding off stage which is a common and annoying side effect of overdose.
I would take Ĺ tsp in the morning and Ĺ tsp in the late afternoon. I carried on that amount for the length of my using, and still apply it to my continued use. At some point I asked my doctor about Provigil (Modafinil). I was pretty well read on nootropics by this point, and Modafinil was one at the top of the list. It wasnít a problem getting the script as my job, which I have previously described, is one in which requires constant alertness. Also, my schedule is on call 24 hours a day for 5 solid days, and 3 days off. It wasnít unusual for me to be on a job for 24 straight hours or more. My doctor diagnosed me with shift work disorder and wrote the script with gusto. There was one issue however, my insurance company at the time did not want to pay for the Provigil and instead they suggested Nuvigil (Armodafinil). I didnít have any problem with this, though I thought it quite curious how they didnít want to cover a medication which cost significantly less than the other, but I am in no position to comprehend the incomprehensible methods of Big Insurance. Nevertheless, the Nuvigil ushered in a turning point in my use. The two drugs worked so well together, it was like I was on fire. I could best describe the synergy as euphoric and determined. Much like the effect of Adderall. Shit eating grin, glowing vibration of the soul, powerful energy, sharp work ethic, but without the jittery sweaty nervousness. I had achieved nothing less than the perfect combination of substances.
The love affair didnít last long however, before I realized the truth of dependence to this stuff. One particular day I had run out of my supply. I had more on order but there was a delay in shipment, so I wouldnít have any more until later that evening. I took my last dose the morning prior, so I was more than 24 hours over due. I didnít think much of it, as I was still ignorant to the symptoms of withdrawal. I figured I would just take my Nuvigil and go about my day as normal.
It wasnít long after that when withdrawal kicked in. I was terror stricken nervous, paranoid, sweaty, jittery, and my hands were shaking like the DTís. I was more uncomfortable than I had ever been in my life at that time. I knew then that this stuff was nothing to fuck with in the manner in which I was. I went home from work claiming to be sick, and laid uncomfortably in bed until my shipment had arrived. I told myself then that I needed to put the stuff down and take a break. That can which had arrived was to be my last and I developed a taper plan to safely and comfortably discontinue use.
I developed a taper plan to safely and comfortably discontinue use.
Over the next few weeks I stepped down my dose incrementally. I went from a half tablespoon down to 500mg within about a month. After I got down that low, I stopped using completely and successfully.
The first couple of days of abstinence werenít too bad, I had some L-Theanine to curve the symptoms of WD and it fucking worked great. I had no real issues coming off the stuff and actually had a moment of epiphany concerning my previous WD. After some in-depth thought, I realize that what most contributed to the negative effects was the Nuvigil. I hadnít even thought about how strong the Nuvigil was on its own because I had never taken it just by itself. The slight WD symptoms I had experienced while tapering off were vastly different and much more docile than on that day. The legitimate WD symptoms of PB when tapered properly were laughable.
So anyway, I had stopped using and tried to carry on my dayís peanut butter-free. Everything was fine, I was abstinent for about 2 months or so. It was about that length of time whenever I started to take into consideration the reasons I enjoyed using the most. I worked a lot at my job being on call. I averaged anywhere between 70 and 80 hours per week, with some weeks clocking in over 100 hours. The three days I had off were often times spent laying around hopelessly exhausted. These were the days my wife counted on me for the typical honey dos, and the days in which my daughter anticipated quality play time with Dad. I never really took into consideration how peanut butter erased my day-off exhaustion. Without it, I was like a dead log. With it, I was glad to do all the things required of me, I was excited to. Iím fucking Super Dad, destroyer of closet trolls and garage clutter. It was at this point where I looked upon PB as a prescribed medication. I considered PB to be my prescription, my medication. It did so many positive things for me. It helped me in ways that no other substance could, and apart from the tolerance had no real setbacks. It was at that point that I decided to continue using my medication. I ordered myself the biggest bulk container my supplier had and continue to use today, even every day. The taper was so easy and worked so well, I was no longer afraid of dependence. Iíve even stopped here and there on random days with no noticeable WD. I use my medication every day and plan to continue until I damn well please.
Now I should like to conclude with this bit of discretion. Iím not sure if it has anything to do with long term use or not, which is the spark of my curiosity. Iíve noticed some things within the latter end of my present days. There was a patch of some weeks, measuring less than two months here recently, where I fell into a deep depression. It was like nothing I had ever felt before. My depression was so aggressive and virulent that I often had thoughts of suicide. This is totally uncharacteristic of me, especially on peanut butter. Nevertheless, I was so remarkably depressed and angry about every single thing. I was having a rough time at work, sorting through some unrelated ego problems. I know that had a lot to do with it. Also my wife and I were having some issues with our relationship which could have also been a factor. I tried stepping up my dose of PB to try and combat the horrible sadness, but somehow that just inflated it more. I tapered down to a very low dose, thinking that maybe it was the PB. After almost 2 solid years of using pretty much every day, this was the outcome. I guessed that all good things have an expiration date, and this was mine. I continued at about 1g using every day and looked into reprogramming myself.
This stuff is really good at making me more introspective. I could go deep into my own mind on a level never before discovered. Iíve also noticed that my empathic abilities have become much sharper. Iím not saying Iím psychic or can read minds, but Iíve been able to read people quite remarkably. I can figure someone out effortlessly, I can feel energies and tune in, in ways I never even noticed before. I could do the same for myself in my depressive state. I meditated a lot, I focused on myself deeply. I envisioned myself from my childhood, carefree and imaginative. I told that little boy several times throughout the day many positive things. I did this every day for weeks. I filled myself with positive thought, even if I didnít believe it. There came I time where I just couldn't tolerate debilitating depression. I donít have the time or luxury to mope around all day wanting to off myself. There is way too much expected of me as a father, husband, and provider. Now, Iím not taking away from those who have an actual chemical imbalance, and thus do not have the means mentally to fix their own imbalances. I myself believe that I am able to reprogram my own mind and condition, and I did just that. Over the next few weeks of meditation and positivity rap, I started feeling much better. Much, much better. I started coming back to my old self, and thus far remain so. So I canít definitively say that it was the PB which put me in that state, but I do know that taking more didnít help the situation at all. I can attest to it giving me the ability to look at my condition in a more analytical way. I was able to strip away layers and layers of subconscious deterrents and develop a healing strategy, where before I would have probably just decided I was fucked in the head and got put on antidepressants.
Another effect that Iíve come to notice which I feel is important to note. This stuff makes me dream hard. Very, very vivid dreams, sometimes stressfully vivid. Just about every night my mind is washed in tales of adventure, horror, action, science fiction, mystery, or any combination of the mentioned. Iíve had incredibly lucid dreams more than Iíve ever had before. Iíve had the opportunity to discover that I was dreaming while doing so, and analyze the texture and composition of it. Iíve always been a bit of a lucid dreamer, but on this stuff every night is a wild one. Every single fucking night. Itís gotten to the point where I sometimes wake up exhausted and stressed out because of my nightly adventures, crazy shit. Iíve started a dream journal just to get some of these things out, so many of them are so fantastic that I may be able to write a book someday.
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